I remember when we used to spend the day after Bonfire Night running around finding all the half-burnt fireworks from the night before and trying to set them off again. My childhood was a health and safety nightmare.
I'd much rather spend this morning playing you ten songs named after fireworks...
10. Get some more tissue for Marie McDonald.
Lulu was born Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie. Tissue is another name for flesh.
There will be ten more bangers for you to identify next weekend.
(I use the word "bangers" to refer to fireworks and, against my better nature, a reference to that extremely unpleasant term that young people use to refer to a good tune. I feel quite ill for doing it, but a joke's a joke.)
To keep all you football fans happy, I asked the owner of National League club Wrexham to introduce this week's answers. Mainly because I couldn't find any pictures of weather men or weather ladies holding cameras. No, not even John Kettley.
Yes, in case you were wondering, that is Ryan 'Deadpool' Reynolds at the top of the page, and yes, he and one of his Hollywood mates did buy Wrexham. Who are doing very well this year, by all accounts. See how my football knowledge increases every day?
There was another One D... band I could have chosen to illustrate the final edition in the Hot 100 Countdown... fortunately, Swiss Adam saved me from having to go there when he suggested One Dove.
I've been dreading this week since I started this countdown, way way back in January 2018. (Yes, I've been at this for more than two years.)
Partly because I knew there would be thousands of potential ONE songs.
Partly because I knew it'd be impossible to find them amidst all the BlutONES and UndertONES songs, and all the songs about bones and phones; everyone, anyone and no one; money and baloney.
I didn't dread it because I wondered what the winner would be though. I've known that since January 2018.
Before you dismiss it completely, let's not forget that it was written by Nik Kershaw, and came from a movie in which Roger Daltrey played Chezzer's dad.
And, while we're on the subject of Ones & Only... and Only Ones, for that matter... I may as well re-direct you back to this, from way back in 2013...
George will be disappointed to see that Huey Lewis only got to #2 in that countdown. And he was beaten by The Charlatans, for Pete's sake... what was I thinking?
I think it's fair to say I haven't heard that since 1982. However, I was 10 in 1982, and I seem to recall being quite a fan. If you'd asked me, I'd have said this actually won Eurovision that year, but it didn't. It was beaten by Nicole. Still, neither of them were in the same league as the 1981 winners. Witness my nascent sexual awakening at 1 minute 32 seconds on that video.
You may have noticed I'm holding off on the lists this week, folks. There's a reason for that. Over to C...
Blimey Rol, incredible stuff. This must be like a full-time job - perhaps you should charge us for your services to blogging? I'm not even going to add anything, happy just to see what comes up.
The truth is, C, last week nearly broke me. And the prospect of copying and pasting all the one suggestions... and then finding links for the bloody things... I just couldn't take it!
And then Lynchie said this...
Rol - I think you should turn this series into a book.
I would ask who'd read it... but I guess you guys have answered that question over the past two and a half years. For which, I will be eternally grateful... but not so grateful that I could face the colossal workload of this final post.
And then, after whittling his shortlist down to 600, The Swede came to my rescue...
Here's what's left from my hard-drives. Sorry there are so many - for gawd's sake don't post them all!
Do you know what, Swede? That's the best advice I've been given in all my blogging career.
What I'm going to do instead is choose ONE song from each contributor... beyond the ones suggested above.
If anybody cares to see the full list of suggestions, you can do so here.
(Part of me thinks I should have instituted a filtration policy such as this weeks ago.)
Finally, as seems only fitting, here's my Number One contributor... at least in terms of the number of suggestions he's submitted during the lifetime of this series... The Swede.
Just pitching the one this week, mostly because it must surely be the winner...
How right you are, Martin.
(Special mention to Lynchie who guessed the original version, a worthy runner-up.)
As I said at the start, I knew this song would be the winner of the final week of my Hot 100 even before I published the first post. It is, quite simply, perfect...
Which brings us to the end of this feature.
I sometimes wondered if I'd ever reach the end, but I'm glad I did. Chalk it up as another of life's little accomplishments... and thank you all again for playing along. It wouldn't have been half as much fun... and I definitely wouldn't have made it this far... without your contributions.
Final word goes to The Swede...
A thought occurred whilst mulling... I trust you'll be doing a final entry the week after next for zeroes?
Now I don't like to be one to disappoint, Swede, but I just can't face that right now. (Neither can I face "Half Songs" or "Quarter Songs" or anything else, for that matter. If I never see another number again, it'll be too soon.)
However - that's not to say I won't welcome your contributions. If anyone wants to compile a Top Ten Zero Songs and submit it for Guest Post Thursday, I will be happy to let you have the space.
I have got an idea for a feature to replace this one, and I'll be kicking that off in a couple of weeks' time. I've been itching to get to it for at least a year now... and it will require your suggestions (though I'm hoping it won't lead to quite so many as the last few weeks of the Hot 100 has). I hope you'll join me and play along...
Regular viewers will realise we can't let Morrissey win one of these - not even to a band who named themselves after one of his songs. I say because it's because he needs to maintain that perpetual losing streak, you probably say it's because he's a nazi.
"Jack who?" you cry. Surely Judith Durham claims a victory here.
Except...
There's something about the perkiness of Georgie Girl that has the worst kind of 60s sound to my ears... and that Jack Lukeman track is pretty damned good, actually.
A nice simple acoustic John Martyn song vs. the operatic pomp of Freddie & Montserrat, a track from the Barcelona album which I've not listened to in ages. I was almost about to give this one to the girls too, but around the 2 1/2 minute mark, Freddie only goes and blows the bloody doors off. Wow.
I'm going to confess something now... for many years, I considered Andrew Gold's Lonely Boy to be a masterpiece on a par with Morrissey's I Have Forgiven Jesus in regard to describing how my life felt... in fact I think I may have listened to it a bit too much.
On the other hand, I first heard Lonely Girls on an Uncut compilation CD and it was probably the track that introduced me to Lucinda Williams.
Arab Strab are hilarious, and this is one of their best.
But... Boys of Summer is one of the greatest songs of the 80s, and one of the best summer songs ever recorded. I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac...
5-4 to the boys.
1. The Cure - Boys Don't Cry vs. Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons - Big Girls Don't Cry
Too close to call, surely?
Let's call it a draw to keep everyone happy...
But what would your verdict be? Boys or girls? Whoever wins, the losers don't cry...
Just a few miles south of the town I work in is sunny Rotherham. I skived off work one afternoon in the summer a few years back and went to have a look round their charity shops. (CC would be proud.) I recognise the buildings in the picture above, although to be fair it's not representative of the rest of the town.
Rotherham is the birthplace of Pulp drummer Nick Banks; Jo Callis, guitarist from The Rezillos, and later The Human League; Chris Wolstenholme, the bassist from Muse... and The Chuckle Brothers.
I could only find two tunes that mention Rotherham, but both a worth a spin. First there's this...
In Yorkshire near Rotherham, he had been on the ramble
Weary of traveling, he sat down to rest
By the foot of yon' mountain
Lays a clear flowing fountain
With bread and cold water he himself did refresh
And then, perhaps more obviously, there's this classic Rotherham rhyme...
And yeah, I'd love to tell you all my problem
You're not from New York City, you're from Rotherham
So get off the bandwagon, and put down the handbook
(Shout out to all residents of Hunter's Bar in Sheffield who also get a nod in this song.)
186 miles down to the West Country next week for a truly spiritual experience...
I was never a John Wayne fan. I found him a pretty unpleasant character on screen... and I believe he was actually quite a bit worse off-screen.
My dad though... my dad loves John Wayne. If there's a John Wayne film on TV, he'll stop everything to watch it, even though he's seen it a hundred times before. Therefore, this Top Ten's for my dad...
Scottish rock band gets upset that all their culture is imported from the States. Consider...
Every time there's a story, I turn around, you're turning into John Wayne, You're turning into John Wayne, Now here's a grey Scottish theory, Have you lost latitude and longitude? Your latitude and longitude.
Now I know that I'm contradicting Everything I own was made in the US of A, Made in the USA
Directed and produced by Wayne, many still believe this movie to be an accurate historical document, despite an iffypedia-quoted expert saying, "there is not a single scene in The Alamo which corresponds to a historically verifiable incident". Songwriters have been fascinated with this famous battle for years too: see The Ballad of Davy Crockett, The Ballad of the Alamo and even Remember The Alamo... which doesn't have quite the same message as the Indelicates song of the same name.
John Martyn believed John Wayne to be a very scary man.
Don’t you dare look behind you
For you know I will be there
You’ll feel my breath on your neck
Turn, face me if you dare
I’ve come to measure you
I’ve come to fix you up
I’ve come to measure you
Fix you up. I am John Wayne
I believe I’m John Wayne
You know, my name is John Wayne
Get on your horse!
John Wayne becomes the perfect metaphor for callous, hard-hearted rejection from this little-known Irish indie band...
You know your neglect
Is the reason that I'm so obsessed with you
And when I asked you your name, you said John Wayne
And I guess it's true
'Coz then you shot me down
Doubled over and I hit the ground right in front of you
I guess in the Wild West
It's OK to shoot the pest that's annoying you
1. Buddy Holly & The Crickets - That'll Be The Day
Perhaps not the most obvious Number One... until you realise that one of the biggest hits of the rock 'n' roll era is actually named after a line from The Searchers. 60 years later, this is still one of the greatest pop songs ever recorded.
Which one makes you want to get off your horse and drink your milk? (John never said that, apparently. It was Little & Large.)
