Positive Songs For Negative Times #86: Bigmouth Strikes Again

Every time Morrissey speaks, I shudder.

You can't have failed to miss the latest desperate plea for attention from the deluded mind of the once great SPM, entitled A SOUL FOR SALE. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Sparks - Lighten Up, Morrissey

Where do you begin?

Any serious investors should make contact:

eaves7760@gmail.com

The Associates - Stephen, You're Really Something

Rol: I'm waiting for Morrissey's reply to my offer. £5.54 and a vegan pastie. Reckon I'm in with a shout.

Ben: I considered throwing a quid at him.

Ben: And a boiled egg sandwich.

Rol: Does a boiled egg sandwich trump a vegan pastie? Damn you for using your insider knowledge!

Ben: That's what they had to eat with him, wasn't it? I think I read an article a few years ago that he made them all eat only boiled egg sandwiches when they were touring the early years in the van. I think it was an interview with Rourke.And he was saying it smelt worse eating the sandwiches than the farts it would make them do.

Manic Street Preachers - Dear Stephen

The 'eaves' business email address has been switched off due to the colossal response to Morrissey's announcement of his wish to pass his "Smiths" interests over to an investor. Although Morrisseys' love for the songs of the Smiths era will never waver, he is tired of the disagreeable and vexatious characters involved in "The Smiths" business. After thirty-eight years of insults and abuse, Morrissey has had enough. All (or most) of the 'eaves' emails will be answered in time.

That's good. I await my reply.

In all seriousness though... those songs are priceless. Such a pity that the one man most desperate to tarnish their memory is their co-creator. 

Often, when I'm forced to discuss this subject, I end up quoting the lyrics to Rubber Ring...

The passing of time and all of its crimes

Is making me sad again

The passing of time and all of its sickening crimes

Is making me sad again

But don't forget the songs that made you cry

And the songs that saved your life

Yes, you're older now and you're a clever swine

But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

Today though, this one seems far more appropriate...

Madness in (formerly) great ones must no unwatched go.

 

Listening Post #30: Dear Stephen

You're still my bad habit

My dark little secret

My illicit unseen drug

My secret hidden love

There's a track on the new Manic Street Preachers album about Morrissey.

Dear Stephen, please come back to us

I believe in repentance and forgiveness

It's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be kind

To paraphrase one of your heartbreak lines

Songwriter Nicky Wire has gone to great pains in interviews to state that the song has nothing to do with Morrissey's controversial public persona these days, his nasty opinions that have driven away so many long-term fans.

I'm still ill, I'm cursed to stay

Under your spell for all my days

I'm still a prisoner to you and Larkin

Even as your history darkens

Wire claims, “The only moral judgement on this album tends to be about me...”

“The song is about many things and it’s multi-layered. It’s about me critically looking at my own reliance on the past – about why those years were so scorched onto me. It goes for a lot of people, to be honest, but being between 12 and 18, I don’t think I’ve ever shaken them off for the imprint they’ve had on my aesthetic appreciation of music, literature and film. It’s an investigation of that.

“The idea that I had this postcard off Morrissey as well that said, ‘Get well soon’ and I kept it, it was quite a worthless thing that I imbue with so much meaning. It’s about so many different things but mainly about not being able to get out of that, and the amazing comfort and joy it brings. It’s a love letter to my former self as much as it is everything else.”

Which is all very well, and I can see why Wire might want to tow this particular line in the press (particularly the NME), but it's blatantly obvious that there's another meaning to these lyrics, a meaning that goes beyond Wire's past and one that will touch the heart of lapsed Morrissey fans everywhere. Maybe not those who have cut him off completely, but those for whom his work meant so much in our earlier lives, that however we might want to hate the singer, we cannot hate the songs. I'm thinking of myself, of Martin, and of JC particularly here. 

The passing of time and all of its sickening crimes

Is making me sad again

But don't forget the songs that made you cry

And the songs that saved your life

Yes, you're older now and you're a clever swine

But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

The Smiths - Rubber Ring

Earlier on in my blogging career, I spent many hours trying to defend Morrissey's slow descent into fascism as a mis-reading of his intentions. I was wrong, and I've got to own that now. But I still can't let those songs go, those songs that meant so much to me, that spoke to me like nobody else's ever have...

Morrissey - I Have Forgiven Jesus

Yes, Nicky, songs are about many things and [they're] multi-layered. But this one is clearly saying what so many old Morrissey fans are thinking. Although the very fact that you steal a line from I Know It's Over suggests you know it's all just wishful thinking... too late, was the cry.

The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Still - thank you for writing it.

I've been the boy with the thorn in his side

I want you vivid in your prime

Dear Stephen, please come back to us

I believe in repentance and forgiveness

It's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be kind

To paraphrase one of your heartbreak lines

Teacher Songs #2: Spineless Swines, Cemented Minds

More songs and stories about teachers, by a teacher. School's back now after a far too short Easter holiday...

Thank you for your suggestions last week. Our resident Maths teacher reminded of this sweet ode to teachers from Reg Dwight. "I think it is probably very inappropriate," says George. I think, in this day and age, most songs about fancying your teacher would be cancelled... but isn't that just part of adolescence?

I was sitting in the classroom
Trying to look intelligent
In case the teacher looked at me
She was long and she was lean
She's a middle-aged dream
And that lady means the whole world to me

It's a natural achievement

Conquering my homework

With her image pounding in my brain

She's an inspiration

For my graduation

And she helps to keep the classroom sane

Elton John - Teacher, I Need You

Meanwhile, The Blogfather weighed with a suggestion based on an artist we both used to cherish... until we all had to cancel him. JC says...

As much as I can't abide what he's turned into, Morrissey did pen a mighty opus about the profession.....turns out some clever clogs has recently made a video marrying the song to very old clips of 'Grange Hill'. Thought it might be of particular interest to you, Rol.

Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

Those old Grange Hill clips certainly bring back memories. How times have changed, eh? Then again, Morrissey's lyrics reflect that...

Say the wrong word to our children...

We'll have you, oh yes, we'll have you

Lay a hand on our children

And it's never too late to have you

Mucus on your collar

A nail up through the staff chair

A blade in your soap

And you cry into your pillow

To be finished would be a relief

Because here (or 1995, when this was written), it's the teachers he feels sorry for... whereas just ten years earlier, he wrote a very different song in which his sympathies lay far more squarely with the pupils. 

Belligerent ghouls run Manchester schools

Spineless swines, cemented minds

Sir leads the troops, jealous of youth

Same old suit since 1962

He does the military two-step

Down the nape of my neck

I want to go home

I don't want to stay

Give up education

As a bad mistake

Mid-week on the playing fields

Sir thwacks you on the knees

Knees you in the groin, elbow in the face

Bruises bigger than dinner plates

Please excuse me from gym

I've got this terrible cold coming on

He grabs and devours, he kicks me in the showers

Kicks me in the showers and he grabs and devours

In 1985, I'd be 13, just starting my Second Year in High School. I'd grown up watching Grange Hill and was quite terrified of what to expect when I went to the big school, but as I arrived the winds of change were blowing. I remember an older kid getting the slipper when we were in the First Year, but that sort of thing had gone the way of the dinosaurs only a couple of years later. The schooldays Morrissey recalls in The Headmaster Ritual (and ones many of you may have been familiar with) were already on their way out by the time the album Meat Is Murder was released. 

But just because things change... it doesn't necessarily mean they get better.

Listening Post #17: Red Sky In The Morning

On one of the last working days of the old year, this was the sky that greeted me on my journey to work. Doesn't bode well for the New Year and whatever might be waiting for us after January 20th. 

But while we wait for the end of the world, it's back to work for a lot of us today. My commiserations if that leaves you with a feeling of dread...

In a postscript to my year end countdown, I wanted to take a moment to revisit the record at #14, Who Will You Believe? by the Pernice Brothers.

Songwriter Joe Pernice was a huge fan of The Smiths when he was growing up. He even wrote a novel (published as part of Continuum's 33 1/3 series) about growing up in thrall to Morrissey. 

So when I heard the following lyrics, I had to wonder...?

I remember when you spoke with gravitas, with care and eloquence. 

It’s so embarrassing to hear you now. 

It’s so embarrassing to hear you now. 

The United Kingdom Of Song #43: Stratford-upon-Avon

The Smiths - Shakespeare's Sister

When I planned our annual Boys' Getaway this year, I figured Stratford-upon-Avon would be a day more for myself than Sam... in the end though, we both enjoyed it far more than Warwick Castle. Unlike the overpriced Serf Taxation Scheme of the day before, we caught the FREE Park & Ride into Stratford and pootled round various attractions, charity shops and sites of national interest (well, national interest to English teachers), feeling far more welcome than we had at the castle.

Tudor World sounds a lot more flash than it is, but after the Disneyland vibe of the day before, we appreciated the more am-dram evocation of times gone by.

Herman Dune - Shakespeare & North Hoyne

It's free to wander around the new RSC theatre too, so we stopped for coffee and a cake in their rooftop restaurant... well, I had coffee, Sam had a mocktail. Great view of the town from up there. 

The Crumbs - Shakespeare

Next, a relaxing boat trip down the river Avon...

But the highlight of the day was our visit to Shakespeare's School Room, where you get taught by the very schoolmaster who taught young Will Shakes. (Or it might be an actor.) We lucked out here as we arrived at a time when we were virtually the only ones in his lesson (the next lesson, there was a coachload of American tourists). We learned how the school day started at 6am in Shakey's day, how all the learning was in Latin, and how the schoolroom is still used today by the Grammar School next door. It stayed open all through the Plague and the Black Death... the only time it was closed was during Covid. 

Losers Club - Just Like Shakespeare

The desk below may well have been Shakespeare's sideboard... but it's been rather vandalised over the years by naughty schoolboys.

Michael Anderson - White Trash Shakespeare

Horrible Histories - William Shakespeare & The Quills

Our day finished in The Mad Museum, "an eccentric world of moving art". Well worth a visit...

Unlike Warwick, I struggled to find songs about Stratford, which is why you've got some songs about its most famous resident today. Sadly, I don't think Liz Phair was thinking of the town when she penned this...

Memory Mixtape #32: My Uncool Youth

In his excellent book Listen, Michel Faber asks many important questions about why we like the music we like. Here are just three...

At what age do kids start getting doctrinaire about music, and anxious about the social esteem and reproof that society attaches to various stylistic allegiances?

At what age do kids start to be dishonest about what they like and envious of others' taste?

At what age does the shame begin?

Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love

I've written many times about how I swam against the tide when I was younger, taking an active dislike to songs many of my peers cherished. I even ran an unfinished series called Songs I Hated When I Was A Kid, which included records by The Smiths, Madness and The Pet Shop Boys, all artists I've since come to cherish. 

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Michel Faber continues...

For a child to love the Pussycat Dolls when all of her pals don't love them anymore requires almost superhuman self-confidence - especially since self-confidence tends to arise from doing stuff which inspires the approval of others. By contrast, the social rewards for pledging allegiance to the latest thing that everyone likes are instant and plentiful.

The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You)

I'm not writing all this to champion my younger self as a free-thinking rebels with superhuman self-confidence... since clearly I was none of those things. I was probably just stubborn, contrary, and responding to neural pathways that had been formed by an early diet of Radio 2 and Reader's Digest box sets. My tastes changed as I got older... but I also became more aware of how other people judged them, to the point of apologising profusely for liking uncool things, something I've never quite got over.

Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Below you'll find an excerpt from one of those APAs I found in my mum's attic. This was written in the early 90s, a list of my 100 favourite songs sometime in my early 20s. Many of them won't surprise longtime readers of this blog, especially those of you who shake their head in despair at some of my trad-rock and Dad-rock faves...

That said, I'd stand by much of the Top Ten to this day. If you put a gun to my head and forced me to list my ten favourite songs, I'd be remiss if I didn't include The Power of Love, This Old Heart Of Mine, Thunder Road and There Is A Light. The other six might not make my Top Ten, but they'd still be hanging around in the Top 50. In the rest of the list you'll notice strong showings from the usual suspects: Bruce, Costello, Morrissey & The Smiths, Billy Joel, Jim & Meat... although the song choices occasionally surprise me (Souls of the Departed? Sleeping With The Television On?) here and elsewhere (of all the Stones songs I might have picked, I'm mystified by my choice of Fool To Cry). God knows how Eric Clapton got in there though.  

Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Fire Inside

Beyond that, there are some interesting choices, many of which have more to do with records I was listening to / discovering at the time rather than seriously considering a long term bet. I'd obviously recently bought Suzanne Vega's 99.9°F album and Bob Seger's The Fire Inside. A lot of the choices feel like Greatest Hits fodder (Bo' Rap, Hotel California and American Pie will no doubt cause much consternation among the cognoscenti), although a couple of the deep cuts show a shift away from obvious radio fare (the solitary REM choice is about the only moment where I can claim any degree of cool).  

REM - Belong

I'm quite disturbed by the lack of female artists - apart from Suzanne, who was clearly a current fave, all I can see is Kirsty (singing a Billy Bragg song), Patti Smith (Springsteen) and Bonnie Tyler (Steinman). I can put that down to the male dominance of rock music back in the day, but still I'm disappointed not to see any Blondie or Kate Bush or even one of my crushes like Belinda or Wendy... hell, I'd even settle for Carol Decker to balance out the testosterone.    

Suzanne Vega - 99.9°F

There are other huge gaps on show - all the indie and Britpop bands came later (and the 80s stuff I discovered through the gateway drug of The Smiths), but there's hardly any Motown or soul (especially The Supremes, one of my first loves). My country roots are showing in a couple of places, but not as much as I might have expected. This is clearly prior to me coming to terms with the greatest song ever written...

Glen Campbell - Wichita Lineman

Even back then though, I was aware of the need to apologise for my taste in music to anyone cooler who might have been reading. Some things never change...

Snapshots #345: A Top Ten Fishing Tackle Songs

Yesterday, I left you fishing for the identities of the ten top tuna makers below. Did you catch them all... or was there one that got away?

10. Blake's gang wear plates to show they're still taking lessons. 

Blake's 7 wearing L-plates...

L7 - Packing A Rod

9. Gordon's alive! (But only 25%.)

Flash... but only a quarter.

Quarterflash - Love Without A Net (You Keep Falling)

8. Regicidal Mac meets Loot-making Joe.

Macbeth killed a king. Joe Orton wrote Loot.

Beth Orton - Worms

7. Michael Ne, Fred Eagle, Ron Sex.

Mike Nesmith, Fred Eaglesmith, Ron Sexsmith...

Here's the full photo...

The Smiths - Reel Around The Fountain

6. BB King on the bus.

Blues Traveler - The Hook

5. They sound a bit like the First Lady of the United States.

The First Lady of the United States is the FLOTUS. These guys are...

The Floaters - Float On

4. Nasty drug and those who indulge.

Amyl & The Sniffers - Maggot

3. Drink cake - it'll help you unwind!

"Drink cake" was a rather obvious anagram...

Nick Drake - Fly

2. Boo! went Richard, when his cake was left out in the rain.

Betty Boo meets Richard 'McArthur Park' Harris...

Betty Harris - Hook Line 'n' Sinker

1. Don't mess with their Toot Toot. 

Toot is probably the shortest anagram I've ever dared...

Toto - Hold The Line

A handful of runners up, left over in the tackle box...

The Little Hands of Asphalt - Bait

Peter Gabriel - The Family & The Fishing Net

Beautiful South - The Lure Of The Sea

And if you're after really big fish...

The Jayhawks - Broken Harpoon

Catch more Snapshots next Saturday.

Celebrity Jukebox #123: Steve Wright

When I was 16, I wanted to be Steve Wright.

I know, I know, all you cool 80s kids were busy taping John Peel and archiving Fall sessions, while I was the one setting the clock/alarm/cassette player to record the first hour of Steve Wright In The Afternoon so I could catch up on what I'd missed while I was at school.

When Terry Wogan left Radio 2 at the end of 1984, I finally turned to the station all my mates had been listening to for years and discovered a wealth of new music, along with some very dodgy presenters. Simon "Our Tune" Bates. Gary "Bit In The Middle" Davies. Whoever was on the breakfast show back then. But Steve Wright... he was a revelation. While he didn't have the warmth and charm of El Tel, he did pioneer the "Zoo" radio format in the UK, and more than any other jock, it was Steve Wright who made me want to go into radio. Because of Sid The Manager. Gervais the hairdresser (different times). The Pub Singer. The Pretentious Music Journalist - "Sonic cathedrals of sound!" (He became a blogger, I suspect.) And then there was The Pervert - "I got this strap from an Arab I used to know"... at 16, I had no idea what an Arab Strap was... but I used to cry with laughter all the same. Best of all was Mr. Angry from Purley. "You make me so angry, I want to throw the phone down!"

Mr Angry with Steve Wright - I'm So Angry

(That was a terrible single, and didn't do Mr. Angry any justice at all.)

Spurred on by Steve Wright, I started working in local and hospital radio, and eventually ended up with my own co-presented Saturday morning show with loads of silly characters and competitions, all influenced by Steve Wright. At the age of 18, I recorded a demo tape that still makes me shudder to think of it, and posted it off to Broadcasting House. I had this great idea, you see, that what Steve's posse really needed was a young lad from Huddersfield to join the ranks...

I never heard anything back, but I bet they all had a good laugh.

It all started to go wrong for Steve Wright when he transferred to the Radio 1 breakfast show. After that he had his wilderness years, then reinvented himself as a cheesy and smug Radio 2 DJ. I remember Mark 'n' Lard ripping the piss out of his "Big Show" every afternoon... ironic, really, when you consider that they'd picked up the baton of Steve Wright In The Afternoon and were running with much the same format in their glory days. But the Mark 'n' Lard show had a similar shelf life... it makes me wonder if that kind of show can only last so long before the presenters have to change their ways. If they want to survive. I know Steve Wright didn't invent the zoo format - he just stole it from American DJs like Rick Dees - but everything has its day, especially in radio. Nobody knows that better than me.

I couldn't listen to Steve Wright on Radio 2. The sound of one man constantly patting himself on the back grew tired after about ten minutes. But I'll always have a warm place in my heart for his Radio 1 golden age. And let's not forget, if it wasn't for Steve Wright, we wouldn't have this...

    

Rest in peace, Steve. You were alright, boy.

Namesakes #66: The Smiths

Why has it taken me so long to get to bands called The Smiths? Maybe because the inevitable hornet's nest that gets shaken up any time anyone on the blogosphere dares to mention the M-word. Here we go though, with some bands named after the most common surname in the English language...

THE SMITHS #1

A folky/doo wop curio which I initially thought was going to be a tragic love story about a matador being gored to death on the eve of his wedding (or some such death-disc wonderfulness), but on closer inspection it appears to be about a matador serenading his bull. Were such things allowed in 1959?

THE SMITHS #2

A melancholic and self-pitying offering from this US garage band in 1968... setting the requisite tone for bands named The Smiths, at least. Later they'd recruit singer Gayle McCormick and rebrand themselves as Smith, scoring a US Top Ten hit with a cover of Burt Bacharach's Baby, It's You, as featured in the soundtrack of Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

THE SMITHS #3

Still my favourite band, despite the continuous attempts of their lead singer to tarnish their memory. Why? The lyric below answers that question better than I can.

The passing of time

And all of its crimes

Is making me sad again

The passing of time

And all of its sickening crimes

Is making me sad again

But don't forget the songs

That made you cry

And the songs that saved your life

Yes, you're older now

And you're a clever swine

But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

Do your worst, world!

Celebrity Jukebox #117

The Grim Reaper's been busy again.

John Hyatt

When Ben messaged me to say that John Hyatt had passed away last week, I mistakenly thought he meant John Hiatt. But it wasn't the American singer-songwriter who had left the stage, it was the singer from 80s post-punk politicos The Three Johns. This John balanced his "pop" career with a day job teaching fine arts at Leeds Poly. 

Benjamin Zephaniah

Ben was also the first to inform me of the death of writer, musician and poet Benjamin Zephaniah. Ben remarked...

I think anyone who knew the alternative 80s and 90s scenes, or was involved in English teaching, had a positive view of him.

Very true. Ben and I have both taught English, and Khayem commented in his own tribute that...

...it was an inspirational English teacher at secondary school who burst our predominantly white working- & middle-class suburban bubble by incorporating the poetry of Benjamin Zephaniah and Linton Kwesi Johnson into our studies, a life changing moment for me.

Coincidentally, I'd just featured a track by the poet in my Self-Help For Cynics post on Responsibility when I heard about his death. And here he is again...

Dean Sullivan

Khayem was also responsible for alerting me to the death of actor Dean Sullivan a couple of weeks back. I was a huge Brookside fan in the 90s, and despite his many flaws (drug addiction & dealing, manslaughter, digging up Trevor Jordache), Jimmy Corkhill was my hero. For a jukebox tribute, I did consider that his brother Billy gets name-checked here...

The Beloved - Hello

...but in the end, this seemed like a far better song to play.

Tony Allen

The moment I heard about the death of the "godfather of alternative comedy", one song... hell, a whole album... came immediately to mind. 

In 2011, Luke Haines, Cathal Coughlan and Andrew Mueller released an album called The North Sea Scrolls. It was purported to be an alternative history of the United Kingdom, as told to them by the "actor" Tony Allen. I'm a huge Luke Haines fan, and I think this may well be the best thing he's ever done. I've no idea what Tony Allen thought of it.

Finally, three more familiar faces to say goodbye to...

Brigit Forsyth 

Still most famous for her role in Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?, though she went on to appear in many other films and TV shows, including Boon and Still Open All Hours. Brigit was also a musician and singer. Here she is with her band The Fircones...

The Fircones - Girl In The Band

Ryan O'Neal

We used to have a teacher who, if he noticed a couple of students in his class making googly eyes at each other, would loudly whistle the theme tune to Love Story. It became a shorthand for youthful romance in my head. I'm not sure I've ever seen the film myself since someone gave away the ending. But my favourite Ryan O'Neal movie is What's Up Doc? with Babs...

Well, I looked in the mirror can you guess what I saw?

It wasn't Ryan O'Neal kissin' Ali MacGraw 

It was me

It was me

Shirley Anne Field

Another actress not just famous for treading the boards...

Shirley Anne Field - It's Legal

However, Shirley Anne's biggest influence on the world of music must surely come through her role in Karel Reisz's adaptation of Alan Sillitoe's novel Saturday Night and Sunday Morning, a film which may have inspired a live album by The Stranglers...

The Stranglers - No More Heroes

A studio album by Jake Bugg...

Jake Bugg - All I Need

The title of the Arctic Monkeys debut record, Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not (taken from a line in the film)...

The Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor

And, most important of all, the best thing Stephen and Johnny ever did together. Another line from the film, "Why don't you take me where it's lively and there's plenty of people?", spoken by Shirley Anne herself, led Morrissey to pen those famous opening lyrics...

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

And they're young and alive

Soundtracks: The Killer

We watched the new David Fincher flick starring Michael Fassbender this weekend on the streaming service that used to be a postal DVD rental company (remember that?). I'm a big fan of Fincher (Fight Club is one of my favourite movies) and I do like Fassbender, although I have to admit that I can't see him these days without hearing Steven Toast shout, "FASSBENDER!" (Here's Toast's review of MF's Macbeth as an example of his animosity.) 

Anyway, I liked it. For whatever my opinion is worth. It's a slow and meticulous movie that builds a sense of dread, delivers on your expectations, and then refuses to tread the obvious path. And Fassbender is excellent (sorry, Toast). 

However, the best thing about it is the soundtrack. Fassbender's hitman listens to music when he's on the job. to calm and centre him, and his favourite band is The Smiths. So we get lots of old Smiths classics (sometimes disrupted by differing directorial perspectives), and it's a chance to hear them again without all the baggage that weighs down any play of a Morrissey-related tune these days. We get to relive the darkness, the wit, the irony and introspection, the existential nature of those songs that changed our lives, without anyone whispering, "yeah, but Morrissey's a knob now, isn't he?" in your ear. 

I doubt Stephen or Johnny will have had any say in letting their songs be used in this film, nor will they have received a penny for it, since the record company own them lock, stock, I understand. But that soundtrack made a good film great for me, and if it helps introduce a new generation to their music, all the better.

Crashing into this, my all time favourite Smiths song, as the closing credits started to roll was the icing on the cake.  

Self-Help For Cynics #6: Conversations With Ben

Catch a shooting star and put it in your pocket

And your pants will start on fire

One bird in the hand or two birds in the bush

Neither do you any good, when you're stuck in the quagmire

Show everyone you're not sure that they're telling the truth

Then you can be known as the universal cynic too

Bad Religion - The Universal Cynic

Those of you who have been subjecting yourself to this nonsense for far too long will recall that during lockdown, one of the things that really helped me through was the conversations I had via Whatsapp with my former colleague and good friend, Ben. I shared many of those conversations here, as I felt they might on occasion prove entertaining to others, and also because it saved me having to come up with an idea for a post that day. I don't share our conversations so much anymore, not because Ben and I aren't still communicating, but because mostly we just talk about stuff that won't be of much interest to you guys. However, I wanted to share the following chat because it gave this series - and my "journey" (I hate using that word in this context) "of discovery" (ditto) regarding my mental health - a real direction. And it sets up some of the things I'll be talking about in future posts...

The Handsome Family - Your Great Journey

Ben:  How're you doing anyway?

Rol:  Not bad. I'm trying positive thinking.

Stop laughing.

No.

Really.

Stop.

I think that's great actually.

Really helped with my anxiety and low feelings.

REM - Low

I tend to have a few mantras now. Not the shitty religious or spiritualist foo foo ones, but something a bit more grounded.

And then there's the questions and the senses stuff. They really help.

Explain?

Questioning the logic behind thoughts when you spiral. My doc told me to get this book about anxiety and mental health. Not a woowoo book but by a scientist that kind of explains and outlines that actually your brain is a monkey organ that is essentially forced to learn to function in a developed society so it's more about biological survival urges that are misunderstanding what it's being presented with. 

George Michael - Monkey

So questions like "is what you think is happening, happening?" Or "is there any evidence to support that thought?".  And the senses stuff is the non woo woo and more psychological version of mindfulness which is meant to just calm and relax you in the moment but with no snake oil of improving your whole life. When feeling overwhelmed by anything, you sit and spend ten to thirty seconds on all your senses, just mentally describing their sensation. The key is to not explain the sensations, just describe them. Say you start with your taste, maybe it's a bit iron-ish because you've got an ulcer, or you can taste your coffee from earlier still and still some sweetness from a bit of bread stuck in your tooth slowly turning its carbohydrates into sugar. Then touch. What's the chair you're sat in feel like? What's the back support? Maybe one point is sticking into you and it's got leather on the seat that feels cooler on your body than the rest of the chair. Can you feel the lanyard hanging off your neck, how's the top you have on? Then go through the other senses. The whole point is to completely take you away from thoughts running away and just rooting you in a material reality. Really helpful.

Talking Heads - Sugar On My Tongue

There were a few books but two  of the main ones were Unfuck Your Brain by Faith Harper and Don't Feed The Monkey Mind by Jennifer Shannon.

Thanks. I'll look into those. 

What you describe is kind of the process I've adopted, in a ramshackle, amateurish fashion. But I've become interested in the subject (not the rainbows and unicorns side of it) and have started reading up when I get the opportunity. Trying to find the way to approach it while still maintaining my essential cynical bastard side.

Amy Rigby - Cynically Yours

I think there's a lot of spiritual bullshit and business focussed books on the matter and poor support. But those books are what my GP told me to read as, in his words, "look, you're a scientist, so self help bullshit won't work, you need to really understand what's happening in your brain". And the techniques, I think, work particularly well and it's not offering snake oil promises of cures but rather they're intended to help in the moment when you need it.

I'm not a scientist, but I have the same reaction to self hell BS, so this is appreciated. I've started a thing on my blog called Self Help for Cynics in which I try to sift through the dross and find usable nuggets. With extra help from songwriters. Writing has always been a help, as is music, so I'm combining them all.

The Cynics - I'm In Pittsburgh And It's Raining

There's so much of it that preys on selling bullshit and something for people to believe in. I just want to understand it and have coping mechanisms, which is all science can handle.

And I know it's kind of hard to break out of the men have to keep it together thing, but you know I'm about.

Cheers. Never really been one of those types anyway. 

I gather, with your love for Morrissey and pop in general.

Marshall Crenshaw - Cynical Girl

I just need to do something to fix my mindset.

But still. You've got a millennial friend. We're much more open to talk about these things. I know the acerbic wit is our basis, but I like you alive and well.

Teenage Fanclub - Song To The Cynic

Appreciate that, but I'm not about to top myself. Just want to get through the week without ping-ponging between anxiety, rage and other emotions I can't find the right words for because it's very late.

I'm not saying you are, but more so I mean life, when in the depths can be colourless and you become a shell of a person... but I prefer the acerbic wit and humour of you not in that position and the negative impact that has on life.

Now for a put-down to equalise our friendship: Morrissey is a wanker.

Hardly a point of contention these days. And yet...

And there's no-one left to blame

Oh, tell me when will you...

When will you accept your life?

(The one that you hate)

For anything is hard to find

When you will not open your eyes

Reasons To Be Cheerful (iii): Golfer's Elbow

Haven't done one of these for a while, but now seems an appropriate time...

1. Colder nights

After the unseasonably warm weather of the past week, during which I've been sleeping with just a sheet (and a fan in the bedroom!), it was good to feel the need to pull the duvet over me on Wednesday night. Autumn is my second favourite season (after Spring) and I'm looking forward to the nights drawing in, the leaves on the path, even the misty mornings. 

Where are the songs of spring? Ay, Where are they?

Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—

While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,

And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;

Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn

Among the river sallows, borne aloft

Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;

And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;

Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft

The red-breast whistles from a garden-croft;

And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.

(John Keats - Ode To Autumn)

The Smiths - Cemetry Gates

Justin Hayward - Forever Autumn

2. Golfer's Elbow

The good news is, I don't have Tennis Elbow. The slightly less good news is that I have "Golfer's Elbow". Like I have the time (or inclination) to play golf! Still, I'm taking my recent visit to the doctors as a win, and here's why... she couldn't find anything seriously wrong with me. I've had various health concerns over the summer besides the elbow (cramp in my jaw, a weird taste in my saliva, that thing on my back), but none of them appear to be of major concern. 

They hate me when I turn up at the local GP. I don't go very often, but when I do, I bring a list...

Elbow - Lucky With Disease

Elbow - The Bones Of You

3. Micky Does Michael

This really shouldn't work. The last remaining Monkee is releasing an album of REM covers. Apparently he's a big fan, and REM were quite fond of his band too. But it really shouldn't work. 

However... if the first taste is anything to go by, this could be amazing. Dolenz has re-imagined REM's poppiest moment as though it were an out-take from Head. Now I love REM, and I don't feel the muso-snobbery towards Shiny Happy People that some fans do, but there's an argument to be made that Micky's version actually improves upon the original. I don't agree, but I'd readily listen to anyone who thought that way. Lovely stuff... 

Self-Help For Cynics #2: Everybody's Happy Nowadays

Bet you are tired of being upset

Always wanting something you never can get

Life's no illusion, love's not a dream

Now, I know just what it is

The Buzzcocks - Everybody's Happy Nowadays

Except they're not, are they, Pete? I'm sure if you googled it, the statistics would show there's more unhappiness - coupled with anxiety, stress and anger - than ever before. The statistics will prove it, like they always do. I don't need to list the reasons why. 

Ev'rybody's gonna be happy

Which means you and me, my love

The Kinks - Ev'rybody's Gonna Be Happy

You're not helping either, Ray. Actually, for many years I thought he was singing "Everybody's gonna be happy, except you and me, my love", which made more sense to me. But I'm trying to change that attitude, that's the whole point of this series. 

So I'm not googling unhappiness statistics - they're bound to make me unhappy! Instead, I googled "Why am I so unhappy?" And I found so much advice, I could keep this series running every day for the next ten years. How happy does that make you?

For a start, I found a list of 50 Things That Drain Your Happiness. There's lots of useful answers in there, and not too much unicorns and rainbows bullshit. I'll be dipping into that Top 50 a few times over the next few weeks, but let's start with this one... 

You hang out with unhappy people.

Hmm. Rob... what do you make of that?

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.

Chicken or egg? I think the easiest answer to that question returns us to something I wrote about a few months back, the idea that the unhappiest people are the ones who think too much. Those same people are probably going to be drawn to pop music that thinks too much. And they'll probably find their own thoughts echoed in the thoughts of lyrical philosophers, which in turn will make them connect to those artists and stick around to hear more and more of their miserable mumblings. 

And you even spoke to me, and said:

"If you're so funny

Then why are you on your own tonight ?

And if you're so clever

Then why are you on your own tonight ?

If you're so very entertaining

Then why are you on your own tonight ?

If you're so very good-looking

Why do you sleep alone tonight ?

I know...

… 'Cause tonight is just like any other night

That's why you're on your own tonight

With your triumphs and your charms

While they're in each other's arms..."

Didn't take me long to get to this bloke, did it?

The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Alternatively, you could switch onto the hedonism of dance music which has nothing to say lyrically, but instead taps into more positive vibes. Here's FreQ Nasty, aka Darin McFadyen, a DJ and producer who's worked with the likes of Fatboy Slim, Santigold and Roots Manuva... 

I believe that there is a connection between the exalted states on the dancefloor and the spiritual states achieved in meditation...

Music and meditation both allow a fuller and richer experience of our emotions: They stop our incessant and often negative mental chatter and offer us an opportunity to inhabit the present moment more fully and meaningfully. These are all important for good health and happiness in human beings.

So that's where I've been going wrong all these years! I need to get into dance music. 

Sadly, that boat has sailed. 

But I'm being facetious for comic effect. (Who, me?) Because I do get everything from my own musical choices that Mr. Nasty describes above, even the miserable stuff. Here's a song that's made me very happy recently...

The expert says...

If your friends are constant sources of negativity in your life, it may be time to find more positive people.

But I don't think I agree. So my quest continues...

To close, here's a cheery thought to take home with you.