My Top Ten Seaside Town Songs

Summer's here and the time is right for ice cream, donkey rides, deck chairs, fish and chips and slot machines...

Here's ten songs about British seaside towns where everyday isn't like Sunday...


10. Chas & Dave - Margate

It was this or Scarborough Fair. And much as I love both Scarborough and Simon & Garfunkel, there's something about Scarborough Fair that represents folk music at its most twee. Call me a philistine, but I'd rather have lyrics that sing, "Behave yourself grandad, or you won’t be going..." than, "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme". Maybe when I compile my Top Ten Herb Songs...

See also Mussels of Margate, written by Kurt Weill. Seriously, you can't make stuff like that up.

9. Mark Eitzel - Southend On Sea

The lead singer of American Music Club probably isn't the first person you'd expect to hear singing a song about Southend... maybe that's why it works so well. Told from the perspective of "just another ugly American melting in the heat"...

You said to me
"You're from California
And you're as dumb as can be"
You said to me
"Are you the Scarecrow, the Tin Man
Or are you Dorothy?"
You said to me
"I'm beginning to think that you're
A part of the enemy"
You said to me
"If I was drowning would you save me
From Southend-on-Sea?"

8. Athlete - Dungeness

OK, so Dungeness isn't strictly a seaside town, it's a headland with a beach, a nuclear power plant and Derek Jarman's cottage on it. But let's pretend it's a big holiday destination, shall we? This song is quite, quite lovely.

7. Half Man Half Biscuit - She's In Broadstairs

Gets many extra marks for mentioning Filey, because Filey is ace.

Maybe she could tell her
I’ve still got her umbrella
She prized it rather highly
It saved her once in Filey
It came on all torrential
And therefore it’s essential

The band Luxembourg also had a song called Broadstairs but the internet hasn't ever heard of it.

6. Philip Jeays - Eastbourne

This is the last resort... I think Philip may be suggesting Eastbourne is full of pensioners.

5. Glasvegas - The Prettiest Thing On Saltcoats Beach

To quote my old music blogging hero, JC, The Vinyl Villain, "the b-side (to Geraldine) is a rather lovely romantic song about one of the least romantic coastal towns on Planet Earth." I've never been to Saltcoats so I'll have to bow to his native knowledge.

4. Luke Haines & The Auteurs - Bugger Bognor

The apochryphal last words of King George V, set to lush orchestration by the perennially grumpy southern Englishman...

Our business affairs are at the receivers
Our assets frozen
There's not much between us
So we put it on a horse
Called 'It's Grim Up North'    

3. Cud - Only (A Prawn In Whitby)

My favourite seaside town (I may even be there as you read this); I can think of at least two people who read this blog who would probably have made this Number One. And who knows, they may well be right.

2. The Beautiful South - Oh, Blackpool

Why do political parties always hold their conferences in seaside towns? Is it just so the waster politicians can ride the donkeys wearing Kiss Me Quick hats? A scathing attack on the Liberal Party (SDP) of the late 80s, this is "somewhat" dated now, but it still sounds wonderful. And there's no mention of Nick Clegg, which is always a bonus.

They wore enamel badges of
David Steel on their sleeves
And "nuclear power no thanks",
"Not sure" and "yes please!"
And their faces were two fold
And their teeth they were gold
And they wore their pinstripe suits
With a rip at the knee

I'm out tonight and can't decide
Between Soviet hip or British pride

See also Elvis Impersonator: Blackpool Pier by The Manics, which already did very well in My Top Ten Songs About Elvis.

1. Queen - Brighton Rock

Songs about badgers, marrying Anita Dobson, that hair... Bryan May's crimes against cool are considerable. But it's possible to forgive him everything just by listening to the guitar solo on Brighton Rock, one of the best songs he ever wrote. Plus, Freddie sings a duet with himself, taking on both male and female vocals. The tale of a doomed holiday romance and the mums and wives who ruin it.

"Jenny will you stay? Tarry with me, pray
Nothing e'er need come between us
Tell me love what do you say?"
"Oh no I must away, to my mum in disarray
If my mother should discover how I spent my holiday
It would be of small avail to talk of magic in the air
I'll say farewell..."

Other Brighton belters include Upside Down On Brighton Beach by Shirley Lee and You're Not From Brighton by local lad Norman 'Fatboy Slim' Cook. See also New Brighton Promenade by The Boo Radleys, though I suspect that'll be the New Brighton in Merseyside.





So... those are my favourite Seaside Town Songs... where will you be wearing a knotted hanky on your head this summer?

My Top Ten Time Travel Songs

Okay. Time circuit's on. Flux capacitor... fluxing. Engine running. All right!


10. Death In Vegas - Silver Time Machine

No, they didn't steal this from David Essex.

9. Busted - Year 3000

I like to think this blog will boldly go where other music blogs never go... Busted!

I've been to the year 3000
Not much has changed but they live underwater
And your great-great-great-great granddaughter is pretty fine...

Busted, of course, went on to spawn McFly... so extra marks for that, at least.

8. Uriah Heap - Traveller In Time

From an album called Demons & Wizards. You've got to love the 70s.

7. Grand Funk Railroad - Time Machine

Don't worry about tomorrow,
I'm gonna love you tonight

You old smoothie, you, Mr. Grand Funk.

6. Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time

Looking for a definition of the phrase "phallic imagery"? Look no further...

Also, you know that nightmare you have where you leave the house without your trousers and everyone is staring and pointing at you and eventually you get chased by a load of sailors...?

5. Robyn - Time Machine

Robyn's DeLorean needs only go in one direction. (And that will be the only time you hear those two words used together on this blog.)

4. The Blazing Zoos - Anywhere But Here

Today's the worst day of Andrew Mueller's life... except for yesterday. And he's not overly optimistic about tomorrow. His solution is to call up every science lab in town, looking for a time machine that he can borrow. You get the idea...

3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show Cast - The Time Warp

It's just a jump to the left.

2. Frank Turner - Time Machine

From the amazing new album, Tape Deck Heart... though you have to buy the Deluxe Edition to get this doozy...

I’m a gonna build myself a time machine
On particle physics and the power of steam
It runs on diesel oil and Donnie Darko daydreams...

Packed up, sat in my DeLorean
Like some kind of amateur historian
I’ll visit the Renaissance and the Romans, the Victorians
Drinking in Deadwood in the 1880s
Rock 'n roll and drive-thrus in the 1950s
Trying not to change things so the plot lines don’t get shifty...

1. Huey Lewis & The News - Back In Time 

Often overshadowed by that other Huey song from Back To The Future, this is the lesser-remembered track that plays out over the end credits. And if that sax intro doesn't take you back in time to 1985, 1.21 gigawatts isn't going to help you...

Tell me, doctor, where are we going this time
Is it the 50s - or 1999?

Ah, yes, remember when 1999 was in the distant future? 



Great Scott! Comments? Where we're going, we don't need comments...

But they're always appreciated. 

My Top Ten Gloria Songs

The climax of my Glorious Trilogy, with thanks to Kelloggsville for suggesting it (kind of). I'll be honest, I could think of only three off the top of my head (and two of those were kind of the same song) but I did manage ten and there were some pleasing surprises along the way...

Special mentions to Gloria Jones, Gloria Gaynor and Gloria Estefan.


10. U2 - Gloria

I make no secret of the fact that I have very little time for Bonio and chums, and this really is only here to make up the numbers. Sorry, U2 fans. I do quite like the guitar, and if I close my eyes I can at least pretend it's not Mr. Vox on vocals.

9. McIntosh Ross - Gloria

A beautiful Scottish-country ballad from the voices of Deacon Blue. Gorgeous harmonies, as you'd expect, but I can't track down a link to it anywhere online I'm afraid.

8. Jon Gomm - Gloria

An amusing little ditty about a love Jon can't forget...

I remember your dad, 
Cos he had a skinhead
And he had a tattoo, 
That the years had turned blue, 
It said “don’t fuck with me”

7. Green Day- ¡Viva La Gloria!

Much as I like Green Day, they're at their least successful when they try to be deep.

Eternal youth is a landscape of a lie

(Also - you try and type an upside down exclamation mark.)

6. Brand New - Sic Transit Gloria Glory Fades

Die young and save yourself

 Excellent storytelling from the Brand New Boys. Their lead singer reminds me of Eddie Munster.

5. Lambchop - Gloria Leonard

Classic Kurt Wagner, from the album Thriller. (No, not that one.)

4. Bruce Springsteen - Gloria's Eyes

Not content with making Number One on my Top Ten Glory Songs, here's Bruce again with Gloria. Not a patch on the aforementioned, but better than I remembered it being. Great guitar.

3. Patti Smith - Gloria

I reckon this is sufficiently different from the Van Morrison version (see below) to get a separate entry. All Patti keeps is the chorus, everything else is hers.

Jesus died for somebody's sins
But not mine

2. Laura Branigan - Gloria

Children of the 80s, rejoice... although the video may spoil your enjoyment. I'm not sure I've ever seen Laura Branigan before, but she looks like a barmaid doing karaoke in your local on a Friday night.

1. Them - Gloria

How do you spell teenage lust, Van?

She comes around here
Just about midnight
Ha, she make me feel so good, Lord!

See, I'm getting to the age now where if she came round about midnight I'd tell her to bugger off. What's wrong with half past seven? Some of us have to get up and go to work tomorrow morning.

You may prefer the Doors' somewhat X-rated version... though in the current moral climate, there's probably a Newsnight investigation being planned into that as we speak.





So - which of the Top Three is your glorious Gloria?

(I'll be amazed if anyone prefers any of the lower seven.)

My Top Ten DIY Songs

With a new baby on the way, there's a lot of decorating and DIY needed in our house. Sadly, I've never been particularly good with a hammer or a drill... but I can knock up a damn fine Top Ten.


10. James Taylor - Handy Man

This handyman can fix broken hearts twenty four hours a day.

9. The Beatles - Fixing A Hole

Anything to stop the rain from getting in!

8. Bernard Cribbins - Hole In The Ground / Right Said Fred

National Treasure.

Of course, you might argue that the workmen in both songs are experts rather than amateurs... but they're hardly professionals.

7. The Wonder Stuff - Change Every Light Bulb

Miles Hunt is a man after my own heart. Stick to the easy jobs, Miles. 

6. Nick Drake - Man In A Shed

Neil Young believed A Man Needs A Maid... but most blokes would be happy with a shed to hide in. Nick's shed, of course, was where he hid from the world. I doubt he had a large selection of power tools in there. 

5. Peter Gabriel - D.I.Y.

I can't believe that B&Q hasn't used this in an advertising campaign. Maybe they tried to and Pete refused permission. Good on him, if that's the case. 

4. Radiohead - Just

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

No, Thom, that's not what I meant by DIY. 

3. Luxembourg - Sick of DIY

I've seldom been mistaken
For being good with my hands
So it's all so convenient
That you have your own wrench
And I know not to mention
Things that clearly I don't understand

David Shah wisely leaves the DIY to his other half. 

2. Bruce Springsteen - Jack Of All Trades

Bruce will mow your lawn, clean out your drain, mend your car, harvest your crops... he'll even shoot your bank manager, should you so desire it.

1. Billy Bragg - Handyman Blues

When Louise first heard me playing this track from Billy's new album, she said, "he's written that for you". Well, Billy's been writing songs for me most of my life... but this one goes out to men of a certain age everywhere... as represented in the new video by Kevin Eldon, Johnny Vegas, Stewart Lee, Phil Jupitus and various other men of a certain age who'll never be the man around the house their father was. 

Don't be expecting me to put up shelves
Or build the garden shed
But I can write a song that tells the world
How much I love you instead!

Which one makes you want to Do It Yourself?

My Top Ten Glorious Songs

Not quite as glorious as my Top Ten Glory Songs... but what could be?


10. Go Kart Mozart - Glorious Chorus

Proof positive: you can make a glorious pop song in your bedroom. Lawrence has been making them for years.

9. Skunk Anansie - Glorious Pop Song

Any song with a chorus that repeats the line "You're still a fucker" gets my vote.

8. The Breeders - Glorious

This is what happens when Kim Deal finds herself on her own on Saturdays.

7. Everclear - Glorious

 Their song Wonderful is much more wonderful, but this one's still pretty glorious.

6. Emma Pollock - A Glorious Day

Only a ropey live version on youtube, but even that can't diminish the beauty of this song...

I'll ring Henry immediately... is a top opening line. 

5. Embrace - Glorious Day

Look, if you don't like Embrace, just bugger off, all right? ;-)

4. Andreas Johnson - Glorious

A perfect pop moment... whatever happened to Mr. Johnson?

3. The Pierces - Glorious

The Pierces confess to a serious Abba influence - especially in the video.

2. Eels - Wonderful, Glorious

Title track of the latest Eels album - another belter. E rules.

1. PJ Harvey - The Glorious Land

Best use of a bugle in a pop song ever?





Which is your most glorious pop song?