Sam started High School on Tuesday. It's easy to forget what a big leap this is, but early signs are good. He's catching the bus to and from school, so I'm no longer required to pick him up and drop him off from wraparound club. Seeing him in his uniform that first day rather choked me up - so big, so grown up, what happened to my little boy, etc. etc.
Sam appears to be taking it all in his stride. He's very resilient young man. He certainly doesn't get that from his dad. I hope he has a better time in High School than I did.
Another one of Richard Herring's Emergency Questions to jump-start our Friday conversations...
What's the worst experience you've ever had in a hotel?
Unlike the Frequent Flyers and Another Holiday Already? types that read this blog, I don't spend a lot of time in hotel rooms. Louise isn't fond of hotels, so most of our family holidays are spent in rented cottages. Sam and I brave a Premier Inn once a year for our annual boy's getaway - he's a big fan of the All You Can Eat breakfast. Imagine his horrid during the post-covid year when we booked into a Travelodge that promised "breakfast included" to discover that it constituted a Kellogg's variety pack (random choice) and a carton of Kia Ora. Never again!
Is that the worst experience I've ever had in a hotel room then? Sam would certainly say so. And I'm not sure I can think of anything worse... no rats or cockroaches or views of the local rubbish dump. I'm sure you guys can help out with that though.
My only other vaguely relevant anecdote today is from a holiday with my sister and her family in my teenage years. This was either Jersey or Brittany... I can't remember which, but they were the only two holidays I went on with them. File this one under disconcerting...
The cottage must have had three bedrooms: one for my sister and her husband, one for their two kids (my eldest nephew is only four years younger than me) and one for me. I'd reached the age where it was no longer cool to go on holiday with my parents, but I wasn't old enough to go off on my own... and I never had mates who suggested a week in Ibiza (thank GOD).
Anyway, I woke up one morning to discover that my pillow was missing. When I looked, it was over the other side of the room... wedged under the door, as though trying to stop someone or something getting in. I hadn't done that myself (not consciously, at least) so I wondered then... and still wonder today... how that happened.
Musicians spend more time in hotel rooms than just about any other profession, except travelling salesmen and Ernie. Most of the time, they're not trashing them and throwing the TV out into the swimming pool (that's just Ernie)... instead, they just sit around writing miserable songs about life on the road...
The most evocative of these doesn't mention the word hotel in its title, but it was the first track I thought of today. Anyone who's seen Lloyd Cole live in the last 25+ years will have heard him explain what a Spectra-Vision girl is...
Just another bunch of would be desperados Failing to pace themselves against the grain Strung out on semantics, Holiday-Inn vigilantes, Late night, early town Am I supposed to sleep, here all alone 'Neath the shadow of the mini-bar, with the promise of a Spectra-Vision girl?
What's the worst experience you've ever had in a hotel?
I should have featured the former Mayor of Cincinnati on the Celebrity Jukebox following his untimely demise back in April... but it seemed like too big a task. The name Jerry Springer has become synonymous with a certain kind of lowest common denominator trash TV, so it's an easy shorthand for songwriters to drop in if they want to diss the worst elements of society, the ones happy to air their soiled undergarments and then have a big ruck in front of millions, thereby fulfilling Andy Warhol's 15 minutes prophecy. But I think there was more to Jerry than all that - he started out as an adviser to Robert F. Kennedy, before becoming a lawyer and then a major public figure... he even considered running for President. And let's face it, he couldn't have done a worse job than the Orange Manchild. As for his notorious TV show, Jerry clearly had a sense of humour about the whole thing (unlike his loathsome UK counterpart, Jeremy Kyle), happy to join in when others were poking fun at it (and him), most notably in Richard Thomas & Stewart Lee's hilarious Jerry Springer: The Opera.
Speaking of rappers, here's a guy who could easily have been a recurring guest on Jerry's show...
I strangle you to death then I choke you again And break your fucking legs till your bones poke through your skin You beef with me, I'mma even the score equally Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally
"Partner is the "mature" effort of two best friends named Josée Caron and Lucy Niles. Together, with Rock as their trusty guide, they explore a variety of themes in an attempt to understand the meaning of life." Which must be one of the worst artist biogs I've ever read. Shame really, because they make a spendid racket, and tell cool stories too...
When I was a kid I used to fake sick Luckily, my mom and dad were Pretty easy to trick
I was biding my time Until the house was all mine To do the one thing I really wanted to
Which was watching daytime TV While there's no one home to watch me I'm hanging out with Maury He's doing a paternity test Are you the father? Well, it's anybody's guess And give me Jerry Springer Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, and a TV dinner I guess the best things in life come free Like watching daytime TV
Bret Michaels was the lead singer of Poison. Despite that, this made me chuckle...
One day Jack came over to apologize He told me, my ex which is his new girlfriend was out every night Jack said I think she's been cheating with my new friend Jim Say you love her too bad cause now she loves him Pulled a Jerry Springer on me now your outta luck My new girlfriend thinks you all suck
When you find out things about yourself That you hadn't ought to know When your grandma calls and books you On the Jerry Springer show And you find out you and your wife of ten years Just might be related Brother, life's not over it's just Simply complicated
There were many, many, many more lyrical mentions of Jerry Springer... but I'm trying to be a little more selective and only link to the ones I like, or I figure one of you guys might dig. Like this little beauty...
Today's winning tune comes from a band I was very into around the turn of the Millennium. Hard to believe it's nearly 25 years since this was released. It's a song in which the lead singer professes his love for the actress Claire Danes, named after the TV show that made her famous (though it also mentions her star-making turn opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet).
I went on Jerry Springer To confess my love to you You said I didn't have a chance And there was nothing I could do You told me I was crazy And wished that I was dead. You threw a chair right upside my head
So last week, Martin set me a challenge (perhaps jokingly) to see if I could come up with 10 songs featuring toasters. Well, I always like a challenge... here's the best I could pop up. No burnt offerings. Etc. Etc.
Let's start with the obvious one to make things harder. Before he started laying his hat in the lap of the common people, Paul Young was in a bunch of different bands (including Kat Kool & the Kool Cats and The Q-Tips). Some still consider this novelty b-side (flipped into a hit by Kenny Everett) to be his greatest moment.
See also Yeah, Toast!, which the internet claims is by Arcade Fire. I'm not sure I believe the internet though...
Lately I've been thinking bout' stickin' my hand in a toaster...
...sings lead Atari Kris Rose on this track from the band's punky (if not Punky - that's #6) debut album from 1997. Woman problems, obviously. Sadly, the live version on t'internet doesn't do it justice.
Great female empowerment tune from the fourth Squeeze album, East Side Story, in which a housewife has enough of housework...
Press the button on the toaster, it's a woman's world Tuck the sheets in on the bed, it's a woman's world Take your apron from your holster, it's a woman's world Shoot the crown off of your head, it's a woman's world
Sometime member of Robert Pollard's US indie band Guided By Voices, Tobin has also released a loaf of solo records over the years. This was his debut solo single from 1995.
Sadly the toaster in question is someone making a toast, rather than making toast. Still, it was the only song I could find that was actually called Toaster, so it deserved a place.
Even when he was writing piffle, Paul Simon still made gold. This was submitted for The Graduate soundtrack but the producers rejected it - perhaps it was a bit too goofy for them, but it still sounds great to me. Somehow far less annoying than when Paul McCartney wrote the same kind of nonsense...
Wish I was an English muffin ‘Bout to make the most out of a toaster I’d ease myself down Comin’ up brown I prefer boysenberry More than any ordinary jam I’m a “Citizens for Boysenberry Jam” fan
I wanted to include Henley's earlier song Long Way Home in which Don moans...
The heat don't work The toaster don't work The car don't work And I guess I know why This house don't work and this dream don't Work no more And lover, neither do you and I
...sadly, it's not available on youtube (not in this country, anyway), so I had to settle for using the grill... which, given the toaster isn't working, seemed like a viable option.
A delicious slice of whimsy written by cartoonist and children's author (not to mention the songwriter who gave Johnny Cash A Boy Named Sue and got Dr. Hook to call Sylvia's Mother) Shel Silverstein. When Bobby's girl leaves him for another man, he goes down to the cellar and cobbles together a mechanical replacement. You can guess the rest...
She always did what she was supposed to Right up to this evening but then She had an affair with a toaster And they ran off and left me again.
See also Tim McGraw's What She Left Behind, in which Tim's lady buggers off and takes the toaster with her. Tim's not smart enough to build a replacement.
Some serious Health & Safety advice from the Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm dudes...
If your toast gets stuck in the toaster Do not put a fork in the toaster while it is hooked up, or look out I did and I got caught in the current Pulled me in and shook me while it held me tight...
A song about the frustrations of being a mother, particular if all Daddy does is breeze in every now and then and your toaster is constantly on the blink.
Pay the grocer You fix the toaster You kiss the host goodbye Then you break a window Burn the soufflé Scream the lullaby
If you can get past the big hair and 80s power-drums, this is still a classic. If you can't, try this cool cover by Ash.
1. Grandaddy - Broken Household Appliance National Forest
Possibly Grandaddy's finest hour, an epic protest song about people dumping their old electrical appliances in areas of natural beauty. You might think that's not a fitting subject for a rock song, but if you ask me, it's a lot more relevant than anything Sting or U2 ever wrote.
Sit on the toaster like a rock No need to worry about a shock All of the microwaves are dead Just like the salamander said The refrigerators house the frogs The conduit is the hollow log...
How bizarre has this weather been lately? It's July in the UK and the temperature is heading into the thirties. There's no rain. And everyone's complaining about the heat! Not a traditional British summer at all... who can remember the last time we had a sunny Glastonbury AND a red hot Wimbledon. It's like the mythical long hot summers of our youths...
Anyway, to celebrate here are ten songs about hot summers. Enjoy them while they last.
For many, many years, I thought John Sebastian was singing "'Til I'm weezin' like a bus stop" which I considered a beautiful line, even though the imagery was rather skewed. Imagine my disappointment to discover it's actually "'Til I'm weezin' at the bus stop". Never mind, it spoils this perfect pop record not one jot.
Please be upstanding for the utter insanity that is the full, minute-long spoken word intro performed by Jim Steinman and Ellen Foley... after that, you wonder how Meat's song can ever live up to it. Amazingly, it does. If I could marry this record, I would.
I bet you say that to all the boys...
1. Don Henley - The Boys of Summer
Nothing says the summers of my teenage years like this song. Not that my own teenage years resembled those described by Don Henley one bit... but I could dream.
I can see you
Your brown skin shining in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
after the boys of summer have gone
I was always quite fond of The Ataris' cover version too.
Hot damn, there are just too many great hot summer songs... ten barely scratches the surface. If the weather sticks, I'll come back with Volume 2 soon... your suggestions welcome, as always (though no guarantees I'll include them).
I know, they're not called Marathons anymore, they've not been called Marathons for years. But until someone writes a song as good as this one and calls it 'Snickers', they'll always be Marathons to me.
Not that I ever liked Marathons. I hate peanuts.
1. The Undertones - Mars Bar
Time to raid the Spar, Feargal Sharkey needs to work, rest and play. (Although he has had ten so far.)
To anybody out there who still eats Twix
Anybody on packets of Buttons
I gave them up when I was six
I hope your teeth are rotten
Genius. See also, Marz by John Grant, which might not specifically be about the chocolate bar... but does mention lots of other sweet treats.
I never kept a diary. The closest I ever came was writing a blog. Sadly, I can find only one record about blogging. Scribbling down your life in a diary though... there's plenty to go at.
Written by Abba, a hit for Blancmange,
but it's the Real Tuesday Weld version I can't get enough of. No
actual diary in this song - but if the writer had kept one, his memory
of the day in question might be a little better.
One of my favourite Beautiful South singles, yet one of their least successful. Heaton's on top lyrical form here... what a pity Soul II Soul felt the need to sue him for it for his "Back to bed, back to reality" refrain.
This is my life and this is how it reads
A documentary that nobody believes
Albert Steptoe in 'Gone with the Breeze'
Mother played by Peter Beardsley, father by John Cleese
The Bluetones adapt the diary of one Solomon Grundy, esquire, for one of their greatest songs. It's a cracker. As Kevin Bacon says, doing his best Frank Carson impression on that advert. Now there's something I never thought I'd see...
1. ELO - The Diary of Horace Wimp
I found the story of Horace Wimp heartbreaking as a younger man. I could certainly empathize with his hopeless quest to find a significant other...
Wednesday. Horace met the girl. She was small and she was very pretty. He thought he was in love, he was afraid - uh oh. Thursday. Asked her
for a date, the cafe down the street, tomorrow evening. His head was
reeling, when she said yes, OK.
Those were the best entries in my diary. Which one do you keep padlocked under your pillow so your mum won't read it?
