Product Placement #26: WH Smith

It's a sad day for Huddersfield with the announcement that our local WH Smith is closing down. The Piazza Shopping Centre, a wonderfully 70s concrete carbuncle (built two years before I was born) is to be demolished and replaced with some shiny space age Jetson's promenade... and Smiths has elected not to seek an alternative location in the town. 

There are those who argue (quite vocally on local areas of the book of faces) that Huddersfield town centre has been dying slowly for years now, and that this is another nail in its coffin. I'd rather not be drawn into such debates. The town centre where I spent many a happy Saturday morning with my mum, stopping off at all the local newsagents (including Smiths) to see what new comics I cold find... that place is long gone. But so is the culture that fed it. Back then, in the pre-internet era, I could buy four comics for a pound. Nowadays I'd be lucky to buy one and get change from a fiver. You can't turn back the hands of time.

Here are a few songs in honour of WH Smith. You may have won the battle with John Menzies, but nothing lasts forever...

Let's start not in Yorkshire, but over t'other side o' Pennines...

I kissed my girl, by PC World

I dropped me crisps, outside WHSmiths

They chopped down that tree, to build a KFC

Good!

The Lancashire Hotpots - This Lancashire Town

Even further West, they still get their comics from WH Smiths... but I'm not sure they're paying for them...

Then on W.H. Smiths, I steal some books, some graphic novels and some comics

And I spend the afternoon in Maccy D's

Drinking milk shake, reading Spiderman and Tank Girl

Akira The Don - Liverpool

Meanwhile, up in the North East, Richard Dawson pops into Smiths during this autobiographical epic...

I'm starting a BTEC in Engineering at Tynemouth College

My thermos flask leaks parsnip soup on the metro

Clogging up the keys of my MacBook

Carrot pennies steam amidst a pyre of pencils

Ruck-sack dripping up the steps of WH Smith's

To buy a fresh pad of paper

Richard Dawson - The Vile Stuff

The next track is also a very personal tune, from a collection written during lockdown. I can't find out much about the artist, but he's definitely a Slow Burner...

Slow Burner - Week 34: WH Smith

More autobiography to close, from a Southerner - the wonderful Eddie Argos...

Another time I'd overheard you saying you were going into town

And at the time I lived right in between two towns, but I wasn't quite sure which one you meant

So I bought a bus pass, I went to both of them, and frantically looked for you everywhere

And when I finally saw you at WH Smith's, I got scared

  

Product Placement Friday #9: Cadbury's Creme Egg

I know, I should have done this one last Friday. Give me a break. You're lucky I still know what year it is. (1997, right?) Anyway, the Cadbury's Creme Egg... too sweet for me these days, but I was a fan in my younger years. Sam has become rather obsessed with Creme Eggs recently due to a promotional gimmick where if you find one that's half white chocolate and don't eat it, you can win ten billion pounds. Or something. Onto the tunes...

Let's start with a band that played our local venue a couple of weekends back. Sadly I wasn't free, but I'd happily have paid a pound for a ticket...

Ten double-A batteries? (Just a pound!)
Some rubbish CDs? (Just a pound!)
Fifty wooden pegs? (Just a pound!)
Three Cadbury's Creme Eggs? (Just a pound!)
A slotted spoon? (Just a pound!)
A big pack of balloons? (Just a pound!)
A cleaning mitt? (Just a pound!)
A nasal hair removal kit!

The Lancashire Hotpots - I'm Going To Poundland

From Lancashire to Canada... where I was surprised to learn they also have Creme Eggs...

A&W Root Beer

Cadbury Creme Eggs

I can't get enough

Are my teeth on their last legs? (They are.)

B.A. Johnston - All My Teeth Gonna Fall out My Head

Similarly, they sell them in the US too (made by Hershey's though, so I doubt they taste the same). These guys are from Virginia...

Easter time is here again

And it’s the day we celebrate

The morning that the Easter Bunny rises from the grave

And if he sees his shadow then it’s six more weeks of winter

If he doesn’t see it, everyone gets Cadbury Crème Eggs

And he never sees his shadow, thank the Lord

Paul And Storm - The Easter Song

New Zealand pop sensation Lorde is also a big fan of Creme Eggs. She even rewrote one of her own hits as an ode to the best-selling confectionery item between New Year's Day and Easter...

Lorde - Green Light (Creme Egg Remix)

A few years back, Cadbury's changed Creme Eggs, allegedly making them smaller or nastier to rob us of our childhood. When that kind of thing happens (as it frequently does), only a protest song will do...

Boo Detch - Cadbury Creme Egg Song

I know. I know. All this week's offerings are comedy songs or parodies. And I know that some of you musos feel there's no place for humour in serious pop songs. All I can really offer you in the way of serious music is this. Lou Reed has got the name a bit mixed up... but I'm pretty sure he's singing about Creme Eggs here. No, he definitely is...

 

My Top Ten Fish & Chip Shop Songs

What are you having for tea on Friday night?

Here's ten songs about Britain's great national dish... and the shops that sell it.


10. Denim - Fish & Chips

From Lawrence's middle-period (between Felt and Go-Kart Mozart), and the great "lost" album (until they re-issued it) Back In Denim.

9. Bill Bailey - Unisex Chip Shop

Bill Bailey does an excellent Billy Bragg impersonation / homage / mickey take... so good, if you close your eyes, it could be Billy himself.

I wanted to free her
In my dreams, I would see her
Running naked through the woods round Rainham
If I had some tigers, I'd train 'em
To protect her
From the sexual fascism that was lurking
Round the gherkins

 Mr. Bragg was a fan... he even joined Mr. Bailey on stage to duet on this very song. 

8. The Specials - Friday Night, Saturday Morning

In which Terry Hall pops into a chip shop very late on a Friday night... but only for a pie...

7. Eddie & The Hot Rods - Fish & Chips

...Eddie, on the other hand, knows exactly which Friday night food to choose.

6. Elvis Costello - Fish 'n' Chip Paper

I think it's a shame Elvis Costello got a bit sniffy about his early pun-littered lyrics, because he wrote some absolute belters - and often threw them away on album tracks. This is a typically bilious rant against the tabloid press, probably only bettered by Billy Bragg's Scousers Never Buy The Sun.

If you've got something to hide, if you've got something to sell
If you've got somebody's pride she might kiss and tell
Or wind up with a fight fan in the Hammersmith Hotel
You better speak up now if you want your piece
You better speak up now
It won't mean a thing later
Yesterday's news is tomorrow's fish and chip paper

5. Relaxed Muscle - Battered

Dark and scary, it's Jarvis returning to his Sheffield roots, along with The All Seeing I's J.P. Buckle and Richard Hawley on guest guitar. They're all off on a dangerous night out in South Yorkshire, where it's not only the fish that'll get battered.

4. The Lancashire Hotpots - Chippy Tea

Being a full-blooded Yorkshireman, I can only grudgingly award this song fourth place. If I lived a few miles in the other direction over the Pennines, I might have made it Number One. But look, I let them win against Sheffield, just this once... because the first ever Fish 'n' Chip shop was in Oldham. 

3. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

This one's a bit of a cheat since Chips Ahoy! is the name of a racehorse in the song, not a chip shop. But it would be a great name for a chip shop and this is one of my favourite Hold Steady songs. So until I get around to compiling a chart based around Horseracing Songs...

2. Jilted John - Jilted John

It's still one of the greatest lyrics in the history of music (and arguably the best punk song ever), courtesy of the man who would become John Shuttleworth...

I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop...

Bathos has rarely sounded so good. London Lee even named his blog after it.

1. Kirsty MacColl - There's A Guy Work Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis

Ah, Kirsty. We miss you so much.

Although They Don't Know had been a big radio hit a couple of years earlier, it failed to hit the chart due to distribution shenanigans. Which makes this, two years later, Kirsty's first chart smash. It always felt like a country song to me (despite the very British location: re-recorded for American radio as There's A Guy Works Down The Truck Stop...), but just to confirm that, Kirsty also recorded a full on yee-haw version. They don't write 'em like this anymore...

He’s a liar and I’m not sure about you...

Do you want bits with any of those? (Or scraps, if you're not from round these parts.)

My Top Ten Online Songs

Ten songs about the internet age... with some very pertinent observations.


10. O Pioneers!!! - Chris Ryan Added Me On Facebook

A bit shouty, but so true.

Let’s pretend, that we are friends 
Just like we were back in high school. 
You can send me messages, that I’m sure that I can relate to
Just like in high school. 
Every other week, you can call me. 
Call me on the telephone. 
We can talk about our misadventures, and our breakthroughs. 
Just like in high school. 

See I’m older now, and I don’t give a damn, if I ever talk to you again.

9. The Lancashire Hotpots - eBay 'eck.

See also: I Met A Girl On Myspace. If you like extremely juvenile innuendo.

Word to your mother - how is your mother?

8. Gym Class Heroes - New Friend Request

So click approve, so simple
Show me some kind of sign and let me know it's time to make my move
Just click approve, come on girl

7. Paul & The Patients - Blogspot

It seems that Paul believes blogs are full of self-opinionated blowhards constantly foisting their twaddlelicious opinions on other people. Well, I think that's JUST RUBBISH.

;-) Winking smiley face. ;-)

6. Evelyn Evelyn - My Space

Wow, is Amanda Palmer really old enough to remember myspace? Is anybody...?

And you can't always want what you get,
When you're looking for love,
In a cafe on the internet.
You want somewhere to hide,
Where everyone can find you.
You join hands with the world and say,
'I just want my space.'

5. Superman Revenge Squad - Woman Hating Internet Pornography

Good old Superman Revenge Squad, making a stand - and mentioning Morrissey in the lyrics too.

4. Chumbawamba - On eBay

On eBay, they bought a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink and a cider drink. Bargain!

See also Add Me...

I'm a loner alone with neuroses and hate
Anger is a permanent character trait
My letter bombs are primed and ready to send
Would you like to add me as a friend?
I'm a wound-up whiner with a fetish for guns
I'm almost 50 and I live with my Mum
I hope my nude picture doesn't offend
Would you like to add me as a friend?

Add me. Add me
My mother says she wished she'd never had me
Add me. Add me
Would you like to add me as a friend?

3. Martin Rossiter - Where There Are Pixels 

From the amazing new album by the former Gene frontman. (Have I mentioned this previously?) Get it here.

I bear the torch, I hold it high
It burns aflame for those who tried
But found the outside far too dim
And soon realised
Their life's online... just like mine

2. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Losers On Yahoo Chess

Good old Nigel Blackwell... he doesn't just get pissed off by life's little niggles - he writes top songs about them too.

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay 

Too late
With your N at E3
Good game, sir, do you want another bout?
Well, Dennis ain't replying cause he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess!

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

Checkmate!
Dennis Bell of Torquay
Too late
With your Nxe3
Good game sir
Do you want another bout?
Well Dennis ain’t replying
‘cos he just signed out
Bad losers on Yahoo Chess

From: Half Man Half Biscuit: Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess - lyrics http://www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/csi-ambleside/bad-losers-on-yahoo-chess/#ixzz2D4YAyPgC

1. Brad Paisley - Online

In which George from Seinfeld creates a whole new internet identity for himself... he is Brad Paisley. (And his dad is Bill Shatner - how cool is that?)

'Cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6 foot 5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black-belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine
It turns girls on that I’m mysterious
I tell them I don't want nothing serious
'Cause even on a slow day
I could have a three way... chat with two women at one time
I’m so much cooler online
So much cooler online

Those were my favourite songs about the internet... but which ones get you logged on?