Celebrity Jukebox #45: Cary Grant (Part 2)

Film critic Pauline Kael said of Cary Grant that "men wanted to be him and women dreamed of dating him". The actor’s typically self-deprecating response to this was, "Everyone wants to be Cary Grant—even I want to be Cary Grant". It seems Cary Grant was a screen persona that Archibald Leach became increasingly comfortable playing in real life as the years went by... with a sly wink and an arched eyebrow.

Lyrical references to Mr. Grant broadly fall into four categories then.

1. Men want to be him.

2. Women want to be with him.

3. A combination of the two.

4. None of the above.

Let’s take them one at a time, shall we?

1. Men Want To Be Cary Grant

Bill Boyan – The Kind of Man I Wanna Be

My baby’s kind of fond of Cary Grant
I tried to act like him, but I just can’t
And I don’t need my name on some marquee
But that’s the kind of man I wanna be

Paper Heart – Systematic

It’s systematic
Some say I look like Cary Grant
It’s systematic
I’ll kiss you baby ‘til I can’t

Allan Sherman – Shticks Of One and Half a Dozen of the Other

All day, all night, Cary Grant
That’s all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant
What can he do that I can’t?
Big deal, big star, Cary Grant

Allan Sherman seems to have come back from Camp Granada rather obsessed with Cary Grant. He mentions him in three or four other songs too. Go find them yourselves though, I’ve done enough for you this week.

Meanwhile, over in France...

Dany Brillant – Suzette

Elle se serre tout contre moi
Je me crois au cinema
Je me prends pour Cary Grant
Et puis on eteint la lampe

Which roughly translates as…

She hugs me tight
I believe myself in the cinema
I take myself for Cary Grant
And then we turn off the lamp

Finally in this category, we have Ray Davies, so enamoured of Cary that he’s going to use him to create an artificial man.

Tell it to the people all across the land
We’re going to build an artificial man
With the physique of a Tarzan
And the profile of Cary Grant
Superior beings being totally made by hand
Throw out imperfection
Mould you section by section
Gonna make you the ultimate creation

The Kinks – Artificial Man

2. Women Want To Be With Cary Grant

Peggy Lee – I Love Being Here With You

And Cary Grant, oh-do-dah-day
His utter charm takes me away
But don’t get me wrong
How do you say?
I love being here with you

That's a belter.

Lila McCann – Yippy Ky Yay

When it comes to what a woman needs
You ain’t no Cary Grant

Nena – Kino

Ich warte auf das Happy-End
Arm in arm mit Cary Grant – alles klar!

You can probably translate that one yourself. Good to know Nena wasn’t just about the balloons and the nuclear war though.

Deborah Conway – It’s Only The Beginning

When we go walking along the river
Watch the old men fishing the sunny side of the pier
It’s like a movie and you’re my leading man
The way you woo me, just like Cary Grant

We need more videos set on golf courses.

Karen Jonas – Mr. Wonka

Your talk you learned from great actors
The classics, the best
Your fancy yourself Humphrey Bogart or Cary Grant
Can I hear you? Yes, I can
But you’re not making any sense

Hollis Brown – Death of an Actress

As Madam Faye, you won the role
You even danced with Cary Grant,
And you loved your fame

3. Men & Women Who Both Want A Bit Of Cary

Good Charlotte – Silver Screen Romance

You’re my Bette Davis
I’m your Cary Grant
Let’s make love all night
Don’t get up at the prohibition

I'm not sure why you'd need to get up at prohibition, but what do I know about metaphors?

Alphaville – Sounds Like A Melody

We need the ecstasy, the jealousy
The comedy of love
Like the Cary Grants and Kellys once before

Turns out they weren't just big in Japan.

Meanwhile, big in Germany...

Yvonne Catterfeld - Ganz großes Kino

Ich bin nicht Marilyn
Du bist nicht Cary Grant

I’m not going to insult your intelligence by translating that one either.

Diesel Boy – Me And Kate

I fell in love with the girl on the screen
Just me and Kate
For two hours tonight
We’ll orbit the earth like a satellite
I’m Cary Grant
She’s Sophia Loren

Television Personalities – Don’t Cry, Baby, It’s Only AMovie

You can be my Audrey Hepburn
I’ll be Cary Grant

4. None of the above

Lou Reed – Halloween Parade

There’s Crawford, Davis and a tacky Cary Grant
And some homeboys lookin’ for trouble
Down here from the Bronx

That’s from New York, my favourite Lou Reed solo album. Though I'm not sure Grant rhymes with Bronx, Lou.

Next, a track from a lockdown-recorded Americana album released just last year…

Holm & Tanz – A Dozen Roses

A dozen roses on the table
Wither in a week or two at most
From Cary Grant to Clark Gable
Every rose gives up the ghost

And here’s another lockdown song, from a singer who should not be confused with the Free and Bad Company bloke, because he had a ‘d’ in his name. Anyway, this Paul learned a lot during the pandemic...

Paul Rogers – Quarantine

Did you know that Cary Grant never won an Oscar?
And Paul McCartney wrote “The Fool On The Hill” alone?
I seen people playing poker, making million dollar bets
I’ve seen rednecks raising tigers just for pets

It’s a fact that Cary Grant never won an Oscar for any one film, only receiving an honorary award after he’d retired from acting in the late 60s. Which, frankly, is a scandal. As to The Fool On The Hill, I'll let Alyson tell you more about that.

Next up, Marlon Brando’s favourite band…

The Godfathers – If I Only Had Time

Today a new sun rises
Look in the mirror, there’s no surprises
Things ain’t what they used to be
Cary Grant’s on LSD

Doctors began treating Cary Grant with LSD in the late 50s in an effort to “make him feel better about himself and rid of all of his inner turmoil stemming from his childhood and his failed relationships”. And you think you’ve got it bad. In later years, he world remark, “taking LSD was an utterly foolish thing to do, but I was a self-opinionated boor, hiding all kinds of layers and defences, hypocrisy and vanity.” In my head, I can hear him saying that.

Punk from the other side of the pond now, though they sound like The Pogues...

The Swinging Utters – Playboys, Punks & Pretty Things

“A penny for your thoughts,” he says
As he swiftly slips from bed to bed
And the thoughtful ones are charmed by him
And the sexy ones turned on by him
And he’s knighted by Casanova’s kin
And his ladies would never turn on him
‘Cause he’s the Cary Grant of the party kings
And the playboy of your wildest dreams

Followed that with a great band name – Highly Suspect. This song has an opening line deserving of the Misanthropes’ Hall of Fame, but it settles down after that…

Highly Suspect – Serotonia

I wish that everyone I knew was dead
So that I’d never have to pick up the phone

We all have days like that.

I’m gonna move to California
I’m gonna melt into the sand
Slow dance with Elizabeth Taylor and Audrey
Bum a cigarette from Cary Grant

Nearing the end now, you’ll be glad to know.

Here’s Pete McCabe, who's having an argument with his wife about all the junk he keeps in his bedside drawers that she wants him to throw out…

Pete McCabe – The Drawers Song

There's a Cary Grant obituary looking just like me
An eight track tape that taught me we all got to be free
Birthdays cards and get well cards and playing cards, no joker
Books on Greek Philosophy and how to win at Poker
An urn that holds the ashes of my guinea pig, Alfredo
A classic meatball sandwich topped with sweet heirloom tomato

And a penultimate word from our favourite Star Wars fanboy “Geek Rock” band Nerf Herder…

Nerf Herder – Come Back Down

Celebrities, they come and go
One day you’re Cary Grant
And the next you’re Scott Baio

Note so self: got to do a Scott Baio entry here very soon.

However, I think my favourite tune today comes from a band I’d rather forgotten about. Luna were the brainchild of former Galaxie 500 frontman Dean Wareham. Rolling Stone called them “the best band you’ve never heard of”…

And at the weekly meeting of anonymous cads
You shuffle your feet and whistle out loud
Listen to what they’re saying – what a load of crap!
You ain’t no Cary Grant
But then again, who is?

Saturday Snapshots #9 - The Answers

We now return you to our regularly scheduled programme... two days late. Apologies, we have visitors from New Zealand, the decorators and a new kitten. I haven't had time to blow my nose, let alone blog...

As usual, you pretty much worked them all out between you.


10. Len met Adam x 2. Said hi to drugs from a witch doctor.

Len (123) Barry + Ryan Adams (Adam x 2) = Barry Ryan.

Hi = hello (or 'elo!)

The Shamen (witch doctors) sang about E's being good...

The Swede worked that out, also recalling that the song was written by Barry's brother, Paul.

Barry Ryan - Eloise

9. Restaurant for birds: glue on the menu.

George came up with a much fancier answer for this clue: The Penguin Café Orchestra.

Rigid Digit takes his birds to much more basic eateries though, meaning he was able to spot Feeder.

Nobody got that cement is a type of glue.

Feeder - Cement

8. Hayes goes feminine on the road to the Cathedral: won't stop listening to Bruce's longest player.

Hayes Carll is a cool Americana singer. A feminine version of his name would be Carly.

Paul had his epiphany on the road to Damascus and ended up a Saint who had a Cathedral named after him... all of which leads us rather tenuously to Paul Simon. One of my more misleading clues, but Alyson got there in the end, even though Chris was convinced this was one of the three sirens from Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

The River is Bruce Springsteen's longest album - well, it's his only double album.

Carly Simon - Let The River Run 

7. The Amarillo Hulk avoids the Flaming Lips' postman.

Tony Christie sang (Is This The Way To) Amarillo? Lou Ferrigno was The Incredible Hulk.

The Flaming Lips have a song called Lightning Strikes The Postman.

Lou Christie - Lightning Strikes

Charity Chic was reluctant to admit to having this poster on his bedroom wall. George had no such qualms. Martin glued the pieces together.

6. Spock's killer loses her pliers while sympathising with Prince.

Spock died in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (I originally typed The Wrath of Kath, which would have been a much better title.)

Chaka Demus & Pliers were a popular beat combo from the decade known as the 90s.

If you sympathise, you feel for someone. Prince wrote the song.

Chris was first out of the traps this week and nabbed the easy one...

Chaka Khan - I Feel For You

5. Find your fortune in Motown and you'll always stay warm.

If you found your fortune, you'd be lucky.

Motown = Soul.

If you're always warm... you ain't never been cool.

The most obscure track this week, but we can always rely on Martin.

Lucky Soul - Ain't Never Been Cool

4. The 18th provost makes you a suit despite being hunted by Harrison.

R is the 18th letter of the alphabet.

Provost is another name for a Dean.

Tailors make suits.

Harrison Ford was Indiana Jones.

Alyson spotted the artist straight away but figured I was making a reference to George Harrison being a ghost now, so went for There's A Ghost In My House. Like I'd ever be so bad taste, Alyson!

The Swede set her right...

R. Dean Taylor - Indiana Wants Me

3. The sound made by a feuerwehrauto, after almost a century of hot air.

A feuerwehrauto would be a German fire engine, which might go Nena Nena Nena (Nena being German, see).

Almost a century would be 99 years; hot air is what you get in balloons.

I figured Alyson would get this one... though Rigid Digit provided the German translation (Neunundneunzig Luftballons).

Nena - 99 Red Balloons

2. Go to the chemist for gender realignment.

A chemist is a drugstore.

Gender realignment could change lead singer Isabel Monteiro into a man.

Pretty simple, if you know the song. The Swede did.

Drugstore - I Want To Love You Like A Man

1. Scared by basic Maths? Be polite to Quincy.

Basic Maths would involve counting.

Scare... crows.

If you were polite to Quincy, you wouldn't call him a doctor (no, it wasn't a reference to Jack Klugman), you would call him Mr.... Jones.

Another easy win for The Swede (though I'm surprised he took credit for knowing such an "uncool" band... then again why else did I make them this week's Number One?)


Thanks, as always, for taking part.

I'll be back later in the week with possibly my most controversial post yet (particularly right now): How To Be A Morrissey Fan in 2017. Despite all those who are turning against him, I will endeavour to explain why I think we need Morrissey right now... perhaps more than we ever have.

So that'll be fun.

(If it makes you unfollow this blog, well - thanks for sticking with it as long as you have!)

My Top Ten Cold War Songs

This week I will mostly be playing the 80's nostalgia card, thanks to the current tiff between Mr. Putin and Mr. Obama that inspired Dodgy Dave to put on his serious face for twitter.


10. Sting - Russians

Let's get the obvious one out of the way first, shall we?

Ah, Sting. Sting, Sting, Sting. It's not a bad song, it's just... like most of Sting's "issues" songs... it's about as subtle as all the bricks in the Berlin Wall piled up on top of each other in a Sting-shaped heap.  

"Do the Russians love their children too?"

At least it's not written from the perspective of a Russian dog. 

9. Prince - Ronnie, Talk To Russia

Blimey, a Prince song that's actually available on youtube. Not one of his best, but fascinating in a 80's time capsule kind of way.

8. Iron Maiden - 2 Minutes To Midnight

Far more subtle than Sting could ever be.

7. Nena - 99 Red Balloons

So Nena lets off a bunch of (luft)balloons with her boyfriend, only they get mistaken for missiles and BOOM. The world ends. You see how easy these things can get out of hand?

6. Elton John - Nikita

With hindsight, this looks even more unintentionally hilarious than Sting's Russkies, I can see that. In my defence, I firmly believe Elton has a sense of humour (unlike Gordon) - which the video surely proves.

Also, when I was 13, I thought this record was heartbreaking. (Then again, when I was 13, I thought most things were heartbreaking.)

5. The Beatles - Back In The U.S.S.R.

The best Beach Boys song the Beatles ever wrote. Brilliant.

Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the West behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
That Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind

4. Billy Joel - Leningrad

I keep comparing other songs on this list to #10, which is churlish. I really don't have anything against Sting. It's not like he's Bono or anything.

Anyway, here Billy shows the po-faced, bumblebee-shirted former teacher how to do it with class. A stunning piece of serious storytelling songwriting.

3. Donald Fagen - New Frontier

From the majestic Nightfly album, Fagen's 50s flashback finds a young couple planning for their future in the cosy warmth of their backyard bomb shelter.

We've got provisions and lots of beer
The key word is survival on the new frontier

2. The Smiths - Ask

If it's not love
Then it's the bomb
That'll bring us together...

Possibly the least cynical love song Moz ever wrote.

1. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes

I told you it was 80's tribute week. You might not like this song (you'd be wrong) but you can't argue that this is one of the greatest pop videos ever filmed...




If you're still here to read this tomorrow... leave a comment amid the fallout dust, will you?