Monday, 24 December 2012

My Top Ten Deadly Christmas Songs

It's not only soap operas that fill our Christmases with death, suicide and murder. The festive season can be the deadliest time of year in the world of pop too...

10. Johnny Cash - Delia's Gone

Nothing to do with poisoning Delia Smith's Christmas cake.

Although the lyrics don't make direct reference to it, the real life crime that inspired this classic murder ballad took place on Christmas Eve 1900. In the video Johnny Cash recorded for the American Recordings sessions, Delia is played by Kate Moss. Johnny ties her to a chair, shoots her in the side, and buries her in a shallow grave. A smashing Christmas present to anyone who thinks she's a pointless stick.

She was low down and trifling
And she was cold and mean
Kind of evil make me want to
Grab my sub machine
Delia's gone, one more round
Delia's gone

9.The Sensational Alex Harvey Band - There's No Lights On The Christmas Tree, Mother, They're Burning Big Louie Tonight

Do they really execute people on Christmas Eve? They do in Alex Harvey Land...

8. Carolina Buddies - The Murder of the Lawson Family

Another murder ballad inspired by a grim Christmas crime. This is what happens when you're forced to spend too much time with your family over the festive season... 

7. Giant Sand - Thank You, Dreaded Black Ice, Thank You

I think you can probably guess where this one ends up... but you'd be wrong. Howie Gelb makes the most of a pile-up on the interstate by using it as an excuse to stay the night with his new lady...

6. Glasvegas - Fuck You, It's Over

Meanwhile, Glasvegas spend the festive season getting all bent out of shape by bitter memories of an ex-lover. Good will to all men and women... unless they dumped you during the preceding year.
Remember it when,
You promised me how,
This time this Christmas things would be different by now...

All I wanted was to be,
Where your heart is,
But that's all changed now,
Now you're dead to me

(Repeat last line to fade.)

5. Simon & Garfunkel - Silent Night / Seven O'Clock News

In which Paul and Art bring yuletide cheer to all by mixing a sweet performance of the timeless carol with 70s news reports of war, assassination and mass murder. The old funsters.

4. Ben Folds - Bizarre Christmas Incident

Ben wakes up on Christmas morning to find the corpse of a fat man with a big white beard stuck in his chimney...

Well, honey call the lawyers fast
'Cos Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass!
On a far more serious note, I'd also recommend BF's song Brick, the heartbreaking story of a young couple faced with a post-Christmas abortion.

3. Jona Lewie - Stop The Cavalry

The perennial favourite about not dying for your country at Christmas time.

2. Bonnie 'Prince' Billy & Dawn McCarthy - Christmas Eve Can Kill You

The best new Christmas single I've heard this year... although it's actually a cover of an old Everly Brothers tearjerker. The message appears to be: if that hitchhiker you don't stop to pick up when you're driving back to your loved ones in the snow on Christmas Eve doesn't make it home alive... you'll be to blame.

Of course, if you do stop to pick him up, he'll probably turn out to be a serial killer. But maybe that's next year's song.

1. The Killers - Don't Shoot Me, Santa

The Killers release a new Christmas song every year, but this is my favourite. And Brandon Flowers' Christmas jumper is tops!

So, you survived my Christmas killing spree... but what's your fatal festive favourite?


  1. That's put me in the mood good and proper. Merry Christmas and humbug!

    1. Good tidings to all men, even you, Steve. ;-)

  2. Suicide Snowmen, Marilyn Manson? Tenuous link to Christmas :

    Or possibly Black Xmas - Venom
    You take his place you're crucified, Black Xmas, Devils Eve

    Both wonderfully cheery songs ready for the stereo tomorrow when Gran arrives. Hope yours is as much fun :)

  3. Wow. Sometimes, Kelloggs, you reveal hidden... scary... depths.

    Have a great time with Gran!


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