Monday, 3 December 2012

My Top Ten Knitwear Songs

Because the nights are drawing in and everywhere you go, the doom-mongers are saying "it's gonna snow next week"... so we all need some quality knitwear to keep us warm.

Special mention, of course, to The Cardigans, who sadly don't appear to have ever written a song extolling the virtues of their woolly (or polyester) namesakes.

10. Malcolm Middleton - Red Travellin' Socks

Malcolm grows to hate his red socks because they take him away from the one he loves. Knitwear with a mind of its own - scary. (Or maybe his excuses are getting more desperate.)

9. Nick Heyward - Blue Hat For A Blue Day

I met Nick Heyward once. He was a thoroughly decent bloke. (I may have mentioned this before. I may mention it again.)

8. Prince - Pink Cashmere

Not on youtube, obviously. Good old Prince.

7. The Smiths - Hand In Glove

Because the glove in question must have been a nice warm one... considering the sun was shining out of Morrissey's behind as he wore it. See also Pink Glove by Pulp, in which Jarvis manages to make an innocent item of knitwear... frankly, filthy.

6. Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Don't Sleep In My Cardi

Some couples will argue about everything.

It's too short in the arm
Too tight in the chest
Why can't you just sleep in your vest?
5. Babybird - You're Gorgeous

Remember that tank top you bought me? What did you write on it?

4. Sam The Sham & The Pharoahs - Woolly Bully


3. Weezer - Undone (The Sweater Song)

A relationship dissolves via the metaphor of unraveling knitwear. So much more imaginative than another bloody song about breaking hearts.

2. The Scaremongers - Cardigan Girl

AKA Simon Armitage, the Poet Laureate of Marsden (i.e. just over the hill from me). Isn't it about time we had a second Scaremongers album, Simon?

1. Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper?

It's all right to say things can only get better
If you haven't lost your brand new sweater
Pure new wool and perfect stitches
Not the type of jumper that makes you itches, oh no
I also found a Third Eye Blind song called Jumper... but it turns out to be about someone throwing themselves off a tall building. Hardly in the spirit of things.

Those were my favourite knitwear songs... but which one makes you drop a stitch?


  1. Woolly Bully... marvellous. Surely an honourable mention for The Cardigans....

    1. I refer you to the honourable gentleman's comment below.

  2. Del Shannon - Hats Off To Larry
    Housemartins - Sheep
    Andy Stewart - Donald, Where's Your Troosers? (Tartan, obviously)
    Haircut 100 - Favourite Shirt. (Knitted and hairy)
    Trad.(Yorkshire, England) - On Ilkley Moor Baht 'at. (A salutary tale of when courting Mary Jane always take sturdy headgear to prevent death by Exposure).
    Billy Jo Spears - Blanket On The Ground. (Which can be worn for warmth following the post-coital rummaging in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia - or wherever the denim dungarees flew off). Which is where we may find ...
    Dolly Parton - Coat Of Many Colors (sic). (Possibly heavily soiled and strewn on Grandma's Feather Bed). Alongside ..
    Tina Turner - Simply The Vest. (Renown for her TV appearances sans bra, Tina, now in her 74th year, sports a practical heavy duty thermal vest).

    1. There's a Shirts and Trousers and probably a Hat Top Ten in the works (despite my inclusion of the Nick Heyward song above... purely because I like Nick Heyward. Did I mention how he's a thoroughly decent bloke?)

      There's also a Blanket & Sheet Top Ten possible.

      And definitely a Sheep Top Ten, if only so that my favourite Housemartins song can be top.

  3. NB - See para 2.
    (Sorry Rol .. couldn't help meself)

    1. Thank you for keeping an eye on these things while I'm teaching.

  4. Does "Donald, Where's Yer Troosers?" count? I mean, it's not the weather to be out and about in nowt but yer kecks, is it? It's going to snow next week...

    1. Also, and not to be a pedant, but the song is about a lack of trousers, hence not about the trousers themselves.

  5. Fair point Steve. Will have to wait for the official (Leveson-style) adjudicator's inquiry - when he returns from work/pub.

  6. A knit one, pearl one YouTube safari which you always send me on lead me to the lads : cable knit sweater. I rather like it.

    1. I didn't mind the sound of that.

      The singer in the video, however, put me in mind of my new favourite German word: “Backpfeifengesicht”.

      Go google that!

  7. Ah! Always happy to hear "Where's Me Jumper?" get an airing. Takes me right back.

  8. I tried desperately to shoehorn in a joke about keeping my jumper in an airing cupboard, but gave up in the end.


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