Thursday, 21 September 2017

My Top Ten Crocodile Songs

A bunch of crazy scientists recently named the giant prehistoric crocodile pictured above after Lemmy. "The nastiest sea creature to ever inhabit the earth", fossils of which were recently discovered, will now forever be known as the Lemmysuchus.

Here's ten more crocodile rockers...some of them very, very scary indeed.

Special mentions to The Suede Crocodiles & Crocodile Harris. (Thanks to Jez for that last one.)

10. Jimmy Nail - Crocodile Shoes

OK, come on then: whose bright idea was it to let Jimmy Nail be a pop star? I mean, Jimmy Nail! And let's not forget, Jimmy Nail didn't just get into the charts: he got to Number One! That said, I will go down fighting to defend Ain't No Doubt (co-written by the aforementioned Charlie 'Pilot of the Airwaves' Dore... see, I don't just throw this blog together, etc. etc.).

Crocodile Shoes though? No, it's rubbish.

Still, the video does feature pantomine horses, and Jimmy's Crocodile Shoes literally cry too... so there's that.

9. This Town Needs Guns - Crocodile

I'm not sure I understand Maths rock. (Attention: there is an s on Maths. I'm not calling it Math Rock, because that would be stupid.) I'm an English teacher.

This is from a record called Animals, on which all the tracks are named after different... erm, Animals. Track 1 is Chinchilla. Track 7 is Elk. Track 3 is Lemur. Track 9 is Gibbon. Track 5 is Quetzal. (No, me neither.) How very 6th Form.

Still... slightly better than Jimmy Nail.

8. The Hollies - Crocodile Woman (She Bites)

Not the Hollies' finest hour, but a hell of a lot better than Wiggle That Wotsit. That's scarier than any crocodile.(Don't click the link. You will be scarred for life.)

7. XTC - Crocodile

 A three scene play from Andy Partridge... I think the croc is a metaphor for jealousy.

6. Darren Hayman & The Secondary Modern - The Crocodile

A delicate little story about a smiling crocodile by the bloke from Hefner. Quite lovely.

5. Janis Ian - Crocodile Song

Great lyrics, great life performance from Janis. She's still got it.

4. T-Rex - Warlord of the Royal Crocodiles

Mad. And it's almost 40 years since he died too. I was going to do a Top Ten Marc Bolan Songs in tribute, but The Swede already did a far better job of that than I ever could
3. Echo & The Bunnymen - Crocodiles

Jimmy Nail will be pleased to hear that the Bunnymen far prefer crocodile shoes to ones made out of alligator. If there's one thing I understand about the lyrics to this song, it's that. 

2. Martin Stephenson & The Daintees - Crocodile Cryer

A song about false friends stabbing you in the back, and it's not even by Morrissey. Can't understand how Martin Stephenson wasn't a bigger star. He even name-drops our Number One artist in he lyrics...
In a house full of fairday fakes 
Where the next-day neighbour makes the cakes 
With Elton John records playing loud upstairs 
It could be just the time to strike 
I'll be casual and ask about 
A will that could be mine throughout 
An opportunist you might think but I have to earn my brass
1. Elton John - Crocodile Rock

Do you remember when rock was young? Do you remember when Elton was young? Do you remember when he was good? Really good? So good, he shamelessly filched bits of Chris Montez's Let's Dance and Pat Boone's Speedy Gonzales to cobble together of the best throwaway pop songs / rock 'n' roll throwbacks of the 70s.
Oh Lawdy, mama, those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
This just in from The Department of Making You Feel Old: Elton John doing a tribute song to the early days of rock 'n' roll in 1972 is the equivalent of me doing a tribute to the second Coldplay album today. Not that I'm comparing the early days of rock to A Rush Of Blood To The Head since it's clear that one of those changed life as we know it on the planet earth and the other one proved Chris Martin couldn't even write a better song than Yellow, but still... time, y'know. Time.

Which one would you snap up?

(By the way, Alligator fans, don't feel left out... your time will come.)


  1. The greatest crocodile song in the history of the world - ever!

  2. Gram Lynch beat me to it. I still remember all the words from when I was a kid.
    This,apart from Mr Nail obviously, is a very enjoyable Top 10 Rol.

    1. I bet you're a secret fan of Wiggle That Wotsit.

  3. "I'm not sure I understand Maths rock" I have an album by a band called Algebra Suicide. Unfortunately it's not as good as I was hoping.

    1. Algebra has driven many people to suicide, I'd guess.

  4. When I saw this title I was sceptical - 10 Crocodile songs but even I had heard of many of them, but must have forgotten. Yes Jimmy Nail was an unlikely pop star but he pulled it off - ye knaa what ah mean leik.

    1. I have tried to forget Crocodile Shoes many times.

    2. Yes but I did like Ain't No Doubt - I can just hear his accent - "She's Lyin' "


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