My Top Ten Evil Estate Agent Songs

As I mentioned last week, things are particularly fraught here as we prepare to move house. Again. I'd hoped to stay in our current home a little longer as it's the best home I've ever paid a mortgage on, but circumstances conspired to make us realise that if we could move now, we might save some money in the long-term. (The move is inevitable at some point in the next 4-5 years in order to get Sam into the High School we want him to go to... not the one I went to!)

Our house sold very quickly, which has meant there's been a mad rush over the past few weeks to find a suitable new home. We've had some pretty outrageous experiences viewing properties over the years (scarily, this will be the FOURTH house Louise and I have bought together over the last 11 years), and often that's been down to the estate agents selling them.. or the owners still residing in them.

There have been houses with dripping dungeons in the basement, houses with dead squirrels in the garden, one hi-tech Jetson's House with a bright orange shower room and the computer system from War Games in its garage... and our personal favourite, the house that was owned by Keef Richards' hippy brother, who told us: "You can't go upstairs, man - Rosie's in the bath!"

Here's ten songs that remind me of looking for a new house... and the estate agents lies that try to sell you homes you don't want.


10. Shakin' Stevens - This Ole House

Had to start with a bit of Shaky, didn't I?

This ole house is getting shaky
This ole house is getting old
This ole house lets in the rain
This ole house lets in the cold

9. Fionn Regan - Bunker or Basement

Bunker or basement the bills pile up
The sea view never was an option
Below street level, it's a mining disaster
The options are blocked

Try getting a mortgage on that.

8. Reverend & The Makers - Noisy Neighbour

The first home we owned together. A lovely house with stunning views. Spoiled by the arrival of the family from Hell next door.

7. Guns 'n' Roses - Right Next Door To Hell

Just in case you didn't get the message first time. Most of our moves have involved this kind of thing, one way or another. "L'enfer c'est les autres."

6. The Beautiful South - Woman In The Wall

We've definitely looked at a few properties that might have had somebody buried in the walls.

5. John Mellencamp - Little Pink Houses

Nobody wants an interstate running through their front yard, do they?

4. Malvina Reynolds - Little Boxes

Here's the problem with so many modern houses too... tiny little boxes made of ticky tacky!

3. Chumbawamba - Ugh! Your Ugly Houses

Exactly.

2. Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Four Flights Up

I was woken up at four a.m. by your screams and anguished cries
Your mother was singing in the bathroom, she will never be my child
Oh baby talks in her sleep so loud
We're living four flights up but I swear right now it feels like underground!

Love to meet the estate agent that sold Lloyd this one!

1. The Four Tops - 7 Rooms of Gloom

I see a house, a house of stone
A lonely house, 'cos now you're gone
Seven rooms, that's all it is, seven rooms of gloom
I live with emptiness, without your tenderness

 

"But, on the plus side, there is an en-suite..."

Any songs in your collection the estate agents must have lied about?