Next, a fairy tale tune written by the wonderful Stephin Merritt of The Magnetic Fields... apparently it's from a movie soundtrack. The cast includes Blair Brown, Mia Maestro, Qian Yi, Mary Lou Rosato and
Fiona Shaw... but the interweb doesn't appear to be able to tell me which of them are singing here.
Here's the weirdest thing you'll hear today. I picked this up in a charity shop. It wasn't a keeper, but I sold the CD on the bay of E for a tidy profit, so this band clearly has its fans...
Another conversation starter culled from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions... and some songs I loosely linked to it.
18. Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as you die?
I think my go-to answer for this would usually be Kate Winslet. She has long been my celebrity crush, and the older she gets, the more I respect her attitudes to celebrity and being herself on screen.
To be honest though, I'm not sure I'd want Kate - or any other celebrity, for that matter - running her fingers through my hair. Especially if I was on my death bed. I mean, it's a bit late now, isn't it, love?
Maybe it'd be better to choose a celebrity who can calm me down in my final moments, rather than getting my heart rate up or leaving me feeling frustrated over lost opportunities.
So I did a quick google search on "Who is the most caring celebrity?" and the answers the AI generated included...
Oprah Winfrey
Dolly Parton
Beyoncé
Keanu Reeves
And do you know what? Of those guys, I think I'd choose Keanu. I feel like he'd be the one most likely to make me feel zen about my last moments on earth.
The biggest problem I have with this question is that I don't really like anybody touching my hair. Not because I'm precious about how it looks (I couldn't give a monkeys)... it's just: PERSONAL SPACE, DUDE! Still, I'm sure Keanu would respect that...
9. Richard Hawley - In This City They Call You Love
South Yorkshire's answer to Roy Orbison returns with his tenth album, his first in half a decade - it's taken that long to get him out of the pub. Worth the wait, as always, with more timeless songs of love and loss from the dark, windswept streets of Sheffield...
Well, I was born and raised by the river Slowly it flows through this city of knives Not too far from the mountain that shivers Folks work so hard and they stay all their lives And people in this city call us love
8. The Felice Brothers - Valley Of Abandoned Songs
The guys responsible for my second favourite album of 2021 return with a new record... and a disturbing discovery that they released another one late last year, which I hadn't even heard. (To be fair, it's only available on the Camp of Bands, but it's still a cracker.)
On the Riverside Promenade The whippoorwills alighting A prostitute in pastel tights Through the shadows striding In her hand is a single flower More precious than the Eiffel Tower It’s a terrifyingly eloquent world New York by moonlight
7. John Grant - The Art Of The Lie
Another repeat offender; it's impossible to imagine John Grant making a bad record. I've even grown to love his curious obsession with 80s synths. As long as he keeps writing such personal, moving and at times snarkily funny songs, he can back them with accordion, stylophone and hurdy gurdy for all I care.
I see that cubbyhole and where we used to eat together
I see the walls you built
The room where I slept as a child
I went downstairs into the basеment
Even though the lights arеn't on
I can hear the Beach Boys singin'
And my brothers playin' pool
And sometimes I just want to run into your arms
And let you hold me once again
I feel ashamed because I couldn't be the man
You always hoped that I would become
And if you prefer, there's a political edge too...
“This album is in part about the lies people espouse and the brokenness it breeds and how we are warped and deformed by these lies”, he says. “For example, the Christian Nationalist movement has formed an alliance with White Supremacist groups and together they have taken over the Republican party and see LGBTQ+ people and non-whites as genetically and even mentally inferior and believe all undesirables must be forced either to convert to Christianity and adhere to the teachings of the Bible as interpreted by them or they must be removed in order that purity be restored to ‘their’ nation. They now believe Democracy is not the way to achieve these goals. Any sort of pretence of tolerance that may have seemed to develop over the past several decades has all but vanished. It feels like the U.S. in is free-fall mode.”
On the positive side, the oil companies are enjoying record profits and Boris has been let off with a slap on the wrist for repeatedly breaking the law and lying to everyone about it.
So it's not all bad, is it?
The Felice Brothers continue to provide me with a wealth of entertainment. I'm currently enjoying their 2019 album Undress, which contains many fine tunes, not least this one. It seems particularly apt today.
All hail my new favourite band! I've only been tangentially aware of the Felice Brothers until now, but their latest record made me a true believer and set me on a journey through their impressive back catalogue that looks set to keep me delighted for a long time to come.
Ian & James Felice write Americana with a very individual voice. As with tomorrow's Number One record, the lyrical detail here is what impresses me most and keeps me digging further, although this is often more stream of consciousness than storytelling. But their ideas are unique, highly engaging and often bring a smile to my face, from the wide-ranging goals of their To-Do List...
Wash all the pots and linens
Find a psychoanalyst
Go the bank and deposit checks
Sweep up the shattered dish
Return everything that I've borrowed
Change all the bloody gauze
Buy a spinach colored dinner jacket
Defy all natural laws
Ooh oh oh, cancel better homes and gardens
Ooh oh oh, admire gothic arches
...to their reverence for the forgotten Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, Inferno...
...and manage to rhyme Francis of Assissi with AC/DC on the epic album closer, We Shall Live Again.
But perhaps best of all is the opening track, the Felice Brothers' vision of the apocalypse. It sounds like REM playing Steely Dan, or like Jazz On The Autobahn...
It won't look like those old frescoes, man, I don't think so
There will be no angels with swords, man, I don't think so
No jubilant beings in the sky above, man, I don't think so
And it won't look like those old movies neither
There will be no drag racing through the bombed out streets neither
No shareholders will be orbiting the earth, man, neither
It will be hard to recognize each other through our oxygen masks
The successful sons of businessmen will set their desks on fire
While 5-star generals of the free world weep in the oil choked tide
I'm amazed I still get time to write this blog, since I rarely have time to do anything else remotely pleasurable these days. I'm sure many of you feel the same.
Whenever I read a study like that, my first thought is: who commissioned it? Probably the same government minister who told people who were having their benefits cut to "work more hours". We live in a culture where people are being actively encouraged (and oft times forced) to work longer hours than is good for them. That's one of the things that is killing many teachers, but I'm sure it's the same in many other professions... I dread to think what it's like in the NHS. Those who do it get no rewards (it's not as though those teachers working 90 hour weeks are claiming overtime) and those who refuse to do it (me, for one) are put under pressure from both management and peers for not pulling their weight.
Meanwhile, what time do we have for leisure and relaxation?
Oh, it's OK, the scientists just said we don't need it...
If you think you're busy though, spare a thought for the Felice Brothers. Their new single To-Do List puts us all to shame.
Mumble mumble mumble... an offer you can't refuse.... mumble mumble mumble... answers to this week's Saturday Snapshots.... mumble mumble mumble... The Horror!
I can honestly say I never wanted to be Ian Brown, but watching that video now... especially in the current climate... I do get a pang of middle-aged regret. Even though he actually does bugger all in the video, he's doesn't even sing, just ponces about on the stage. But that was the life, eh?
2. Dispute between Mark and partner: only one can stay.
Marks... & Sparks declare... This town ain't big enough for the both of us!
That photo was a bit misleading, I guess, because we only ever think of Sparks as being two people.
For many years, mainly because of Russel Mael's singing voice, but also because of Ron's imposing glare, I thought Sparks were European. German or Belgian or something. I still can't get my head round the fact that they were from California.
1. Unranked flamingos get Rocky.
"Unranked flamingos" is another anagram. But you could up with a non-anagram clue for these guys. Go on.
Top youtube comment for this track:
"I played this song so loud my neighbors called the cops. My neighbors got arrested."
This is the first time I've ever edited a Top Ten after publishing...but shortly after posting it for the first time earlier this afternoon, Simon popped up in the comments and pointed out the most egregious ommision I have ever made. I've forgotten great songs before when compiling Top Tens, but I've never neglected a glaringly obvious Number One before. Well, I just couldn't let it stand. So let's try this one again...
Ten songs dedicated to hard-working waitresses everywhere.
The image above is the cover to the Felice Brothers' album Favourite Waitress... but sadly, there's no song to go with it.
Special mention (as it's getting close to Christmas) to The Waitresses...
Leave it to Loudon to describe the horrors a real waitress faces every night...
She's been on her feet nearly half the damned night
Bringing your beverage and your late night bite
She remains cheerful, when you're nasty and tight
Makes change for a 50 in dim candlelight
Ignoring the groping, hoping you might
Come across with a tip and sympathize with her plight
Tip that waitress!
A sage warning from the brothers who weren't Chinese (not sure they were brothers either... were there even 5 of them?) about never falling for that smile the waitress gives you...
In her tight uniform with a low-cut neck
And the way that the grease mixes with her sweat
She smells as good as the inside of a new Corvette
She fits your dreams like a baseball glove
And when she smiles at you, that's when you realize
That's not the way she smiles at all the other guys
You see her sneak a peek from behind the pies
She's a waitress, and you're in love
The
title track from Stuart Murdoch's most outrageously "pop" album (he
even hired Trevor 'Buggles' Horn to produce). Lyrically, it's the usual
Murdoch mix: equal parts melancholic whimsy and 'the sun'll come out
tomorrow' pipe dreams.
Any excuse to play some Fountains. This is one of the most laidback tunes in their repertoire. Reminds me a bit of Steely Dan, yet it's still unmistakably FOW.
OK, it's a shameless Prince spoof from a sitcom soundtrack album... but that doesn't stop it being one of my favourite songs of the last 15 years. The musos would have you believe that the above disqualify it from contention. I firmly disagree. This song makes me smile every time I hear it. In that alone, it's on a par with Wichita Lineman...
You're so beautiful... You could be a waitress You're so beautiful... You could be an air hostess in the 60s You're so beautiful... Well, you could be a part-time model (But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)
I'd probably have made it Number One, but I wanted to save it up so I could use it again on my Top Ten Flight Attendant Songs*, Model Songs, and Beautiful Girl Songs...
(*And if you're wondering where Waitress In The Sky by The Replacements is (Miller), there's your answer.)
Taken from Don Henley's first album in 15 years, Cass County, which is a damned fine record. Proof, if proof were needed, that he can still tell a great story... and sing it with the voice of a weary angel.
Three waitresses all wearing
Black diamond earrings
Talking about zombies and Singapore slings
No trouble in their faces
Not one anxious voice
None of the crazy you get
From too much choice
The thumb and the satchel
Or the rented Rolls-Royce
And you think she knows something
By the second refill
You think she's enlightened
As she totals your bill
You say "show me the way
To Barangrill"
...apparently inspired by a stop-off at a late night gas station where the attendant started singing to her (when she wouldn't sing to him).
11 months on and Stay Gold is still my favourite album of 2014. (I'm currently considering this year's Top Ten... a tough selection process!) This is one (of many) stand out tracks, a song about wishing you could run away and start over somewhere else, with a sly nod to Cyndi Lauper.
And yes, First Aid Kit were originally Number One on this countdown. Until Simon pointed out the obvious... 1. The Human League - Don't You Want Me?
One of the great songs of the 80s? Apparently Phil Oakey thought it was a substandard filler track and didn't even want it releasing as a single (particularly as the album it came from had already spawned three hits and he thought the record buying public was "sick of the Human League"). It went on to become the 23rd best-selling single in UK chart history - and a Christmas Number One to boot.
Sheffield has a lot to answer for... although the video was filmed in Slough.
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar When I met you...
Please don't leave a tip. I don't deserve one this week. Just don't tell me I forgot another classic waitress song...
