TV On The Radio #21: Doctor Who

It can't have escaped your notice that Doctor Who celebrated its 60th anniversary last week, blasting its way back onto screen with an old face and a Disney+ budget. Like most British kids, I grew up with The Doctor, and your first Doctor will always be your favourite. Which means you can't beat Tom Baker in my eyes. 

The Human League - Tom Baker

Number twelve, there's Amy Chan
Writing down a line for the candy man
About the time she saw Tom Baker
Drinking down the Hat and Fan

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Still, I have a great fondness for most of the other Doctors, including the modern incarnations (although Huddersfield lass Jodie Whittaker was let down during her tenure by terrible scripts). They say we spent large parts of our youth hiding behind the sofa to avoid the show's scarier bits... and I do have vivid memories of being behind that old red leather sofa in our living room on a Saturday night... but I'm pretty sure I was acting out the adventures I'd just seen on screen rather than escaping in terror.  

Here then is a special edition of TV On The Radio dedicated to all the Doctors. 

Search for songs that include the words "Doctor Who" in that order and you're on a hiding to nothing. Unless you want to hear a load of tunes that have nothing to do with Timelords such as this...  

She sent me to the doctor who sent me straight to bed

Elvis Presley - I Gotta Know

Or this...

Well, Janey's got a doctor who tears apart her insides

Bruce Springsteen - Janey Needs A Shooter

I had far more luck searching for words that were unique to the Whoniverse. Such as TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space, as I'm sure you will recall).

Here's someone who would look right at home in an episode of Doctor Who... Thom Yorke.

I'm stuck in the TARDIS
Trapped in hyperspace
One minute, snake charming
The next in a motorcade

Radiohead - Up On The Ladder

Meanwhile, Alison Goldfrapp is having a dreary evening...

I search alone on empty glasses
The lights come on illuminating
A nowhere bar that's like a TARDIS
It's the longest night I've ever known

Goldfrapp - I Wanna Life

And Paul Heaton has managed to incorporate a TARDIS into his chat-up lines...

This heart was like a TARDIS
I went and lost the key in a fight
I've never found a locksmith
Will you be my locksmith tonight?

The Beautiful South - How Long's A Tear Take To Dry?

As Doctor Who's budget has grown, the amount of baddies he has to defeat has multiplied. Yes, there are times when he does face a Massive Attack...

The blues get big, Massive are even larger
Save 'nuff space into the Tricky TARDIS

Massive Attack - Blue Lines

Step outside the TARDIS and you may encounter some of The Doctor's greatest enemies. For reasons explained above, I didn't bother looking for The Master, and only found the odd song that mentioned Cybermen... but the Daleks were all over the place. 

The Art Attacks - I Am A Dalek

You must remember that time The Clash turned into Daleks?

Repression, gonna start on Tuesday
Repression, gonna be a Dalek
Repression, I am a robot
Repression, I obey

The Clash - Remote Control

Kirsty, meanwhile, is trying her hand at online dating... with less than desirable results...

He says the camera is on and

Can I see him yet?

I say "Babe you look like a ghost

And sound like a Dalek to me"

So let's go back to the written word

Even though we both know it's absurd

Kirsty Maccoll - Here Comes That Man Again

And Scots favourites The Supernaturals are having a bad day... cheer up, lads!

I feel like a Dalek inside,

Everything's gone grey but used to be so black and white

The Supernaturals - Smile

Then there's this... which I suppose I'll allow as it's just turned December (still a little early for me).

The Go Gos - I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

As previously established, that isn't the Go Gos we all know know.

Even Siouxsie was a fan...

The Dalek drones are drowning

We're flying, we're climbing

Cars sit corroding

As we soar away

The Creatures - Weathercade

A few more, because Daleks usually travel in troops...

Martin Gordon - Her Daddy Was a Dalek, Her Mummy Was a Non-Stick Frying Pan

Bent - Dalek Party

Rotersand - Exterminate Annihilate Destroy

Spiderbait - Shakespeare’s Tacklebox

Golem Dance Cult - Dalek Rhetoric

Daleks in high collars 
Monologue and I outsmart them 
With a ray-gun and a tweet

Will Wood - The Main Character

Dave Balfe and Alan Gill from The Teardrop Explodes formed the most famous band to be named after the psychotic pepper pots, possibly my favourite science fiction bad guys (the Daleks, not Balfe and Gill).   

Dalek I Love You - Horroscope

Despite my difficulties in searching for "Doctor Who" songs, I still found quite a few that mentioned the Timelord by name (or, not actually by name, since Doctor Who isn't actually his name, is it?). Although many of them fall into the category that causes serious musos to gnash their teeth to the gums... comedy or novelty records.

Mitch Benn - Call Me During Doctor Who And I'll Kill You

Frazer Hines was a minor Yorkshire celebrity due to his role on Emmerdale Farm in the 70s and 80s (back when my dad used to watch it because they had actual farmyard scenes). Prior to that, Frazer was an early Doctor Who assistant when he recorded this...

Frazer Hines - Who's Doctor Who?

Far more impressive is this offering from the Third Doctor, old Wurzel Gummidge himself...

The closest we've come to that in the modern era is this comic ode to the showrunners who resurrected The Doctor in 2005...

David Tennant, John Barrowman & Catherine Tate - The Ballad of Russell and Julie 

Meanwhile, Dean Gray is keen to note the similarity between the Doctor Who theme tune and Green Day's Holiday...

Dean Gray - Dr Who on Holiday

Next up, Space... well, The Doctor does spend a lot of time there, doesn't he?

Your bank balance took a dint
And now you're Rupert Grint
Nappies cost a bob or two
You wish you were Doctor Who

Space - Fortune Teller

And here's a brand new tune from the band with the best name going. (Not that I'm biased.)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Doctor Who and doublethink
The path not took, fork in the road

English Teacher - Mastermind Specialism

And of course, the great Nigel Blackwell has an opinion on Doctor Who fans...

Weekends, vintage car show, Doctor Who aficionado
No wife, no kids, no way juke box
I get sent the Belstaff catalogues

Half Man Half Biscuit - CAMRA Man

Once All About Eve were done, lead singer Julianne Regan formed Mice. Here's a little timely advice for any of you who might be considering running off with a stranger in a blue police box...

He's my blue sonic boy
I believed in his watery lies
And his half-arsed scheme to rule the world
But you know it isn't easy hanging out with the timelords
When you're a Dalek and can't even climb up the stairs
So when you wake tomorrow, stick a bell in your van

Mice - Blue Sonic Boy

There were lots of artists I discovered during this search who looked like they'd only ever get a gig at Comicon, but these guys deserved a special mention, for enthusiasm, if nothing else...

Graham Bodenham & Leonora Winstanley - Call The Doctor

Nipping on the heels of today's obvious winner, here's a band named after an insult from Star Wars. Wrong galaxy, right tune.

Nerf Herder - Doctor Who

But there was only one song I could choose to close this post, from the insane genius of Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, The KLF, The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu and The Timelords... with a little help from The Sweet and (whisper it now) Gary Glitter. A Number One smash that Melody Maker described as "pure, unadulterated agony" and "excruciating", while Sounds called it "rancid" and "a record so noxious that a top ten place can be its only destiny". What's not to love?

Snapshots #308: A Top Ten Middle Eastern Songs

This is a rather blurry photograph of Shakira. Despite being a multi-million-selling global pop superstar, Shakira was still amazed the first time she saw a phone with a camera in it. We take such things for granted these days, but just over 20 years ago, the very idea was revolutionary. 

You may wonder why Shakira is pictured atop a post featuring songs about The Middle East. Well, it turns out that The Queen Of Latin Music is of Middle Eastern descent - her father's family hail from Lebanon. And Rami Malik, pictured yesterday, is American of Egyptian descent. In case you think I just throw these things together.

Here are ten songs about countries and cities in the Middle East...

10. Found in antioxidants and rubbernecking.

AntioxiDANts and rubBERNecking.

Dan Bern - Jerusalem

One of his best songs, always worth another spin.

9. How Miss celebrates her beautiful victory.

Miss World has a Party when she wins.

World Party - Kuwait City

8. Alan, Alan Jr., Cheryl and Diane.

Alan Ladd (Sr. & Jr.), Cheryl Ladd and Diane Ladd.

The Four Lads - Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

The original... although not the best version. That would be this...

They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

7. Emergency Room in Simone, put all in the pot. 

Put an ER in Nina (Simone) and you get Nerina. Put "all" in pot and you get Pallot.

Nerina Pallot - Damascus

6. First seen in Daredevil #77.

The exact issue of the Daredevil comic that Julian Cope took his band name from...

The Teardrop Explodes - The Thief Of Baghdad

5. ...In The City...In Herre...Is On.

Hot In The City

Hot In Herre

The Heat Is On

Put them together and what have you got?

Hot Hot Heat - In Cairo

4. Sounds like Jean Paul... had a little lamb.

Mary had a little lamb, and her surname sounds like Jean Paul Gaultier.

Mary Gauthier - Iraq

3. Friends with Elvis, Steve and Faron.

The King Of Rock n Roll, Steve McQueen (the album) and Faron Young...

Prefab Sprout - Jordan: The Comeback

2. Haulage menu in disorder.

"Haulage menu" was an anagram... yes, that's a very young Phil Oakey.

Human League - The Lebanon

How can you not love the 80s when you watch that?

1. Get tu-tuled up with Black's other half. 

Desmond Tutu and Black & Decker makes...

1. Desmond Dekker - The Israelites

Snapshots will be back next Saturday. Trust me - my hips don't lie!

TV On The Radio #4: Buck Rogers

Buck Rogers was created in 1929 as a comic strip hero who eventually translated into radio and movie serials. However, he is best remembered as the star of the late 70s TV show Buck Rogers In The 25th Century starring Gil Gerard and Erin Grey. In this show, Buck is a NASA pilot who's thrown 500 years into the future, arriving in a world where everyone wears sexy jump-suits and the robots are really annoying. And I mean, really annoying...

In the "You Learn Something New Everyday" Department: Twiki, the really annoying robot above, was actually voiced by Mel 'Bugs Bunny' Blanc.

Music in the 25th Century will also be particularly annoying...

Kipp Lennon - Suspension (Theme from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century)

The Splash Band - Buck Rogers

...so Buck will probably listen to quite a few oldies on whatever kind of listening device 1979 creatives imagined we'd be using in 500 years time... I doubt they predicted Spotify.

Let's start with a band named after characters from a science fiction board game, with a song about making a sandwich...

Been out all night, I needed a bite

I thought I'd put a record on

I reached for the one with the ultra-modern label

And wondered where the light had gone

It had a futuristic cover, lifted straight from Buck Rogers

The record was so black it had to be a con

The auto changer switched as I filled my sandwich

And futuristic sounds warbled off and on

The Human League - The Black Hit Of Space

Next up, someone who's no stranger to name-dropping popular TV shows in his lyrics, the mighty Gil Scott Heron, with a song about Reagan's re-election campaign...

Ah yes, they're off and running again. The campaign trail

And doesn't he look like himself?

Back in the saddle again

Roy Rogers and Buck Rogers

Rutherford B. Hayes and Gabby Hayes

Marlon Perkins and Carl Perkins

Gil Scott Heron - Re-Ron

And then we have the Bloodhound Gang...

It ain't your mind you're givin' me a piece of 

As it don't take Einstein to know that's just obscene but 

It's been Buck Rogers' time since I hit other than rock bottom 

The Bloodhound Gang - I'm The Least You Could Do

After that, I'm ready for a Complete Meltdown... and lots of 80s references in this one!

Robotic vision, I'm Terminator 

I'm from the future, I've come to get yer 

I'm Knight Industries Two Thousand 

In my A-team van, aroused and 

I'm building boxes in the back of the shop 

I am Buck Rogers and 

I'm not gonna stop 

I'm weighing spuds, I'm 

Thinking nuclear fission 

I save the world with my robotic vision

Complete Meltdown - Robotic Vision

Next up, George's favourite rappers...

You dress like Buck Rogers, you got a bell-end for a face

Lovely.

Goldie Lookin' Chain - Worms

Then how about some Brazilian post-punk from the 80s?

Ness - Adeus Buck Rogers

Or a Dre who never became a Dr?

Mac Dre - Black Buck Rogers

Or some "Soulless Californian Indie Rock" (their words, not mine)?

Pencil Pusher - Buck Rogers (At the Movies)

Or some Finnish surf-rock? (I imagine it's pretty cold, surfing in Finland.)

The Verticals - Buck Rogers

Or... erm... this?

The Hemingway Solution - Buck Rogers

I'm not sure The Hemingway Solution is a particularly memorable band name. And I like Hemingway! This, on the other hand...

Techno Squid Eats Parliament - Buck Rogers

And that's before we even get to the Namesakes...

Buck Rogers - Crazy Baby

Buck Rogers ‎- Die Schallen

This week's raison d'etre obviously comes from Feeder though, a Welsh indie band with just enough welly to keep them out of the landfill, and still be filling medium-sized venues almost 20 years after they formed. This is their biggest hit, and definitely their best song...

Snapshots #207: A Top Ten Mirror Songs

Mirror, mirror on the wall, which is the best Saturday morning photo-based pop music quiz of them all?

Really? Shucks.

10. Aloe needs one.

Aloe Blacc sang I Need A Dollar.

Dollar - Mirror Mirror

9. Cots & copies.

Cots are cribs. You can also crib someone else's answers.

The Cribs - Mirror Kissers

8. Western detectives come in all shades.

Pinkerton's Assorted Colours - Mirror Mirror

7. Aunt found in decrepit subject.

Aunt Sally in an old field (as in, "what's your field of study?")

Sally Oldfield - Mirrors

6. Beach Boy goes to work for NASA.

Mike Love goes to work with Rockets.

Love & Rockets - Mirror People

5. Mixed up coin in silky tube.

The mixed up COIN is NICO.

The silky tube is obvious.

The Velvet Underground & Nico - I'll Be Your Mirror

4. Difficult to distinguish from your arse.

You just can't tell your arse from your elbow, can you?

Elbow - Mirrorball

3. Good for drums, eggs and carpets.

They're all things you might beat.

The Beat - Mirror In The Bathroom

2. Advanced scrapple.

Scrapple is an early form of Meatloaf. Apparently.

Meat Loaf - Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are 

1. Founded in the year 2415 A.D.

This is where they got their name from.

The Human League - Mirror Man

More next Saturday...

Neverending Top Ten #2.9 - Love Action

We were listening to Sam CD #94 in the car for the first time on Saturday, and as soon as this tune came on, Sam said:

"This is the band that lives across the road from Auntie Mags."

Auntie Mags isn't an actual auntie, but a friend of Louise's, one of the special kind who gets awarded honorary auntie status. She lives in Sheffield, and true enough, her house is just across the road from a rather unprepossessing 4 bedroom detached property owned by Mr. Phil Oakey. He's had it for years, and we've no idea how often he actually lives there, or how many other houses he owns, but I guess it's his hometown base. In fact, the only information Auntie Mags (who also shares a local with Richard Hawley, "a very nice man") has to reveal about the Oakey residence is that "he always keeps his curtains closed". Well, he would, wouldn't he? He's only human... and I imagine many of his neighbours keep feeling fascination about just what he gets up to in there. I mean... is there still any love action?

I like Sam's idea that the whole band lives there though, Monkees style. They could do a pop band remake of Man About The House with Phil playing the Richard O'Sullivan role and Susan Sulley and Joanne Catherall replacing Paula Wilcox and Sally Thomsett. Maybe former members Martyn Ware and Ian Craig Marsh could be the annoying neighbours next door who can't resist the temptation to peep over the garden fence.

Saturday Snapshots #11 - The Answers

And we're back with answers...


10. Turner & The Equalisers: not too popular on the wireless.

(Insert "nice buns" gag if you so wish.)

Kathleen Turner + Edward (Equaliser) Woodward = Kathleen Edwards (she gave up music... hopefully not forever... to open a coffee shop).

Kathleen Edwards - One More Song The Radio Won't Like

9. Catch these guys for a little drink with the king of the gods.

Jupiter was the king of the gods.

A little drink is a drop.

What can you catch?

Train - Drops Of Jupiter

(Yes, I know Train are really uncool. When has that ever stopped me? And doesn't the lead singer look like the California version of David Gedge?)

8. Age brings about angina for these visionary majors.

Visionary = eyes

Majors = Lee

One of the greatest songs ever recorded. With the best drum intro. Well done to Lynchie for remembering the brackets.

The Isley Brothers - This Old Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You)

Deduct 10 points from your score if you're thinking about the Rod Stewart version.

7. Every X-Factor contestant wants to be one - most are unlucky.

Every X-Factor contestant wants to be a Big Star.

13 is very unlucky.

Well done, Swede.

Big Star - Thirteen

6. Ginger's fella takes over the world, gets dazzled by Bruce's torch.

Ginger's fella was Fred. 

A fella is also a man.

The world is planet Earth.

Bruce wrote the song. His version is better, obviously.

Another point for Lynchie.

Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded by the Light 

 

5. Redknapp for Division One, people!

Division One is a League (even I know that, and I know nothing about football).

People are human (well, some of them).

This is the Redknapp (formerly Nurding) I was referring to...

(You've no idea how long it took me to find a picture of her where she wasn't just in her underwear. About as long as it took me to find a picture of The Human League where Phil Oakey wasn't instantly recognisable.)

Joint effort from Lynchie & Alyson.

The Human League - Louise

4. Often found in California and Victorian London: antiquated lizards.

California and Victorian London both had problems with Smog.

Lizards are cold-blooded.

Antiquated refers to the old times.

The Swede & Charity Chic tag-teamed this one.

Smog - Cold-Blooded Old Times

3. The desperate enemy of ladies hits ice. Not as short as you think!

Desperate Dan

Enemy = Foe

Lady = Girl (or Gel)

Ice = Berg

Not as short as you think?

Lynchie really didn't want to admit to knowing this one,,, but he couldn't resist nudging C towards the answer.

Don't blame me if listening to this song sends you into a diabetic coma. However, it reminds me of an extremely foolish, if not entirely regretted, dalliance when I was young and very, very stupid...

Dan Fogelberg - Longer

2. Tom's hairpiece prefers to walk home.

Tom Courtenay's hairpiece would be his Barnett.

Too easy a pic if you know the artist, but I'm a sucker for stars holding cameras.

Well done, Swede and Chris.

Courtney Barnett - Pedestrian At Best

1. Gizmo's dad plays cards with Kalamazoo.

Hoyt Axton was the dad in Gremlins.

The cat was called Kalamazoo.

If that cat could take, what a tale he'd tell...

I think we can all agree, Lynchie is this week's winner. Though he does get up very early on a Saturday...

Back next week, breakdown permitting.

My Top Ten Songs For Tall People

This week, ten songs for Little Johns everywhere. Special mention to The Tallest Man On Earth, and Long Tall Sally, who had her moment in My Top Ten Sally Songs.


10. Django Django - Giant

Darling of young indie types everywhere, this is one of their more approachable songs for old ears like mine.

9. Liz Phair - Big Tall Man

Liz Phair can indeed be a complicated communicator, but she couldn't possibly be any more scary even if she was a Big Tall Man. I like the talky style of this one.

8. The Four Preps - Big Man

Towering 1958 tune from I've no idea where. Sometimes these songs just end up in my consciousness and I have to play them. Great piano intro.

7. Ben Lee - 10 ft Tall

I was very much into Ben Lee around the time he released this, as part of his third album, Breathing Tornados, back in 1998. Not heard a lot from him since, although he's still at it, by all accounts.

Not to be confused with...

6. XTC - Ten Feet Tall

Right, the chemistry is right
This boy has reached his height
This feeling just goes on and on, and on and on
From strength to strength
I'm ten feet long

Andy lets Colin do the heavy lifting on this one, released as a single in the USA because it was as close as XTC got to a "West Coast" vibe.

5. Billy Joel - Big Man On Mulberry Street

Growing up in Hicksville, New York, and being a bit of a short-arse as a teenager led Billy Joel to take up boxing to defend himself. He became quite successful on the amateur circuit until his nose was broken and he decided to concentrate on his piano playing instead. He became a bigger man that way...

And so in my small way
I'm a big man on Mulberry street
I don't mean all day
Only at night when I'm light on my feet

I was a huge Joel fan as a teenager (imagine how cool that made me!) and I also loved the TV show Moonlighting. So I was like a pig in clover when the two came together...

4. Johnny Cash - A Thing Called Love

Six foot six
He stood on the ground
He weighed 235 pounds
But I saw that giant of a man brought down by
A thing called love

This is a song I remember Radio 2 playing when I was a kid but despite it being a biggish hit on both sides of the Atlantic, it doesn't often feature on Greatest Hit collections, so I had to hunt down the album of the same name - released in 1972, the year of my birth - to get it in my collection. A good move this, because the rest of the album is pretty cool too.

A Thing Called Love was written by Jerry Reed Hubbard who also gave Elvis Guitar Man and recorded the theme to Smokey & The Bandit... in which he appeared as Cledus Snow. 

3. Human League - Empire State Human

This early Human League single (from 1979, folks!) apparently deals with Phil Oakey's boundless ambition to become a pop superstar. Arguably, while the Human League would record far better pop songs (realising Oakey's ambition), they would sacrifice a little of the quirkiness and fun heard on this early track in the process.

With concentration
My size increased
And now I'm fourteen stories high
At least!!
Empire state human
Just a bored kid
I'll go to Egypt to be
A pyramid...

2. Jim Croce - Bad, Bad Leroy Brown 

Based on one of Jim Croce's old army "buddies", this song deals with a guy who's always on the lookout for trouble. 

All the downtown ladies called him 'Treetop Lover'
All the men just called him 'Sir'

But no matter how big you are, or how bad you are (even if you're "meaner than a junkyard dog"), there's always someone bigger and badder... and by the end of the song, Leroy looks "like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone".

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown was a US Number One - Croce's last before his tragic death in a plane crash in 1973. The song would later be covered by Frank Sinatra, as well as inspiring Freddie Mercury to write Queen's Bring Back That Leroy Brown and Loretta Lynn to pen Mrs. Leroy Brown. There's even a couple of wrestlers who took their name from this song: Bad Leroy Brown & Junkyard Dog.

1. Jimmy Dean - Big Bad John

I've loved this song since I was a kid when Terry Wogan used to play it. This legendary giant, who was "six foot six and weighed two forty five" (ten pounds heavier than Cash's big bloke) was the strong silent type at the mine where he worked, although "everybody knew you didn't give no lip to Big John". Then one day a timber cracked and all the miners thought "they'd breathed their last... 'cept John". Some say the heroic measures he took to hold up those joists till all his fellow miners escaped were modelled on the Ancient Greek tale of Polydamas of Skotoussa, though something tells me that might be crediting Jimmy Dean with a little too much classical learnin'.

I learnt a couple of surprising things about Big Bad John while researching this post. First, about Jimmy Dean himself, who I always pictured as a big, bad-ass Johnny Cash type. Not so...

Apparently, he's most famous in the U.S. for his sausage: Jimmy Dean Sausages, a successful brand he founded in the late 50s.

But most surprising of all were the sequels. Firstly The Cajun Queen, in which Big John's ex-girlfriend arrives in town, finds his body, and resurrects him with the kiss of life. Like all bad sequels which destroy the integrity of the original movie, we can choose to pretend it never happened...

Except, then comes the third installment, Little Bitty Big John, in which John's son discovers what his father got up to down that mine.

And if that wasn't enough, there's My Big John by Dottie West, told from the perspective of John's Cajun Queen... wisely ignoring both previous sequels. 





Which is your treetop lover?

My Top Ten Waitress Songs

This is the first time I've ever edited a Top Ten after publishing...but shortly after posting it for the first time earlier this afternoon, Simon popped up in the comments and pointed out the most egregious ommision I have ever made. I've forgotten great songs before when compiling Top Tens, but I've never neglected a glaringly obvious Number One before. Well, I just couldn't let it stand. So let's try this one again...

Ten songs dedicated to hard-working waitresses everywhere.

The image above is the cover to the Felice Brothers' album Favourite Waitress... but sadly, there's no song to go with it.

Special mention (as it's getting close to Christmas) to The Waitresses...

...and to Material Issue - Kim The Waitress

A great little power pop story that starts out sweet and shy... 

Writing poems in a corner booth
That I'd die
If she 
Read

Before taking a much darker turn...

Though I don't stand a ghost of a chance with her
She's pretty (and that bothers me)
So pretty (and that bothers me)
And it bothers me.

It was Number Ten until I had to restructure this list to squeeze in the new Number One, and I didn't want to just drop it completely.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programme...



10. Loudon Wainwright III - Tip That Waitress

Leave it to Loudon to describe the horrors a real waitress faces every night...

She's been on her feet nearly half the damned night
Bringing your beverage and your late night bite
She remains cheerful, when you're nasty and tight
Makes change for a 50 in dim candlelight
Ignoring the groping, hoping you might
Come across with a tip and sympathize with her plight
Tip that waitress!

Mr. Blonde would disagree.

9. Tori Amos - The Waitress

When waitresses go to war. Don't mess with Tori, bitch! She'll kill you.

8. 5 Chinese Brothers - She's A Waitress (And I'm In Love)

A sage warning from the brothers who weren't Chinese (not sure they were brothers either... were there even 5 of them?) about never falling for that smile the waitress gives you...

In her tight uniform with a low-cut neck
And the way that the grease mixes with her sweat
She smells as good as the inside of a new Corvette
She fits your dreams like a baseball glove
And when she smiles at you, that's when you realize
That's not the way she smiles at all the other guys
You see her sneak a peek from behind the pies
She's a waitress, and you're in love

There is no happy ending to this story.

7. Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress

The title track from Stuart Murdoch's most outrageously "pop" album (he even hired Trevor 'Buggles' Horn to produce). Lyrically, it's the usual Murdoch mix: equal parts melancholic whimsy and 'the sun'll come out tomorrow' pipe dreams.

6. Fountains Of Wayne - Halley's Waitress

Any excuse to play some Fountains. This is one of the most laidback tunes in their repertoire. Reminds me a bit of Steely Dan, yet it's still unmistakably FOW.

5. Flight of the Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)

OK, it's a shameless Prince spoof from a sitcom soundtrack album... but that doesn't stop it being one of my favourite songs of the last 15 years. The musos would have you believe that the above disqualify it from contention. I firmly disagree. This song makes me smile every time I hear it. In that alone, it's on a par with Wichita Lineman...

You're so beautiful...
You could be a waitress
You're so beautiful...
You could be an air hostess in the 60s
You're so beautiful...
Well, you could be a part-time model
(But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job)

I'd probably have made it Number One, but I wanted to save it up so I could use it again on my Top Ten Flight Attendant Songs*, Model Songs, and Beautiful Girl Songs...

(*And if you're wondering where Waitress In The Sky by The Replacements is (Miller), there's your answer.)

4. Don Henley - Waiting Tables

Taken from Don Henley's first album in 15 years, Cass County, which is a damned fine record. Proof, if proof were needed, that he can still tell a great story... and sing it with the voice of a weary angel.

3. Joni Mitchell - Barangrill

Joni at her storytelling best...

Three waitresses all wearing
Black diamond earrings
Talking about zombies and Singapore slings
No trouble in their faces
Not one anxious voice
None of the crazy you get
From too much choice
The thumb and the satchel
Or the rented Rolls-Royce
And you think she knows something
By the second refill
You think she's enlightened
As she totals your bill
You say "show me the way
To Barangrill"

 ...apparently inspired by a stop-off at a late night gas station where the attendant started singing to her (when she wouldn't sing to him).

2. First Aid Kit - Waitress Song

11 months on and Stay Gold is still my favourite album of 2014. (I'm currently considering this year's Top Ten... a tough selection process!) This is one (of many) stand out tracks, a song about wishing you could run away and start over somewhere else, with a sly nod to Cyndi Lauper.

And yes, First Aid Kit were originally Number One on this countdown. Until Simon pointed out the obvious...

1. The Human League - Don't You Want Me?

One of the great songs of the 80s? Apparently Phil Oakey thought it was a substandard filler track and didn't even want it releasing as a single (particularly as the album it came from had already spawned three hits and he thought the record buying public was "sick of the Human League"). It went on to become the 23rd best-selling single in UK chart history - and a Christmas Number One to boot.

Sheffield has a lot to answer for... although the video was filmed in Slough.

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
When I met you...

Please don't leave a tip. I don't deserve one this week. Just don't tell me I forgot another classic waitress song... 

My Top Ten Louise Songs

Today isn't New Year's Day here at Top Ten Towers. It's a very special birthday for a very special person. And in celebration... here's ten songs that mention her name...


10. Jona Lewie - Louise (We Get It Right)

See, Jona didn't just stop the cavalry and spend all his time in the kitchen at parties. He was also a whiz on a pair of rollerskates. And, judging from his vocals in the chorus, he was also occasionally possessed by Beelzebub.

9. Bonnie Tyler - Louise

Ah, yes, our Bonnie - a voice that could sink a thousand battleships... as this video ably demonstrates. This isn't her finest hour (it wasn't written by Jim Steinman), but it did knock Neil Diamond - Hey Louise out of my countdown, so you may be grateful for that.

8. Joni Mitchell - Cherokee Louise

Classic Joni storytelling, though the subject matter's a little grim for a birthday party.

7. Ryan Adams - Thank You, Louise

As is this one from Ryan. Lovely song - but really, you guys know how to kill a mood, don't you?

6. Dean Martin - Louise

Now this is more like it!

Every little breeze seems to whisper 'Louise'...

At last, one I feel comfortable dedicating to my special lady...

5. Grandaddy - Jeez, Louise

Jason Lytle falls foul of Louise's mother - she always hated him. Fortunately not something I have to worry about as my "mother-in-law" (the law never really got involved) is lovely.

4. Scott Walker - Big Louise

Nobody does heartbreak and loneliness like Big Scott.

3. Orange Juice - Louise Louise

Back to the 80s for my Top Three, kicking off with Edwyn Collins and an appropriate birthday wish...

Have a wonderful birthday, dear
Such a wonderful birthday, dear
It only comes but once a year
I'll spoil your party with a punky sneer

And I promise, I will try not to do that.

2. The Human League - Louise

Phil Oakey rides around on a barge, singing into a remote control, bemoaning the loss of Louise. Why did she leave him? The clue's in the mullet, Phil. (I should talk - you should see my hair at the moment.)

This is the best song in my collection with Louise in the title. So why isn't it Number One...?

1. Lloyd Cole - Perfect Skin

I choose my friends only far too well...

Ha - got you! I never said it had to have Louise in the title. (See also Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan.) Here's one of Lloyd's finest, and the line "academia blues" seems a pretty accurate description for his songwriting in general. It's about the girl with "cheekbones like geometry and eyes like sin". A lethal combination, but at least she keeps up to date by reading Cosmo. This is a song of contradictions...

Up eight flights of stairs to her basement flat
Pretty confused huh?

But if you're looking for a moral... strikes me there never has been one.





Thank you for everything, Lou. I love you, hon'. Have a great birthday.

My Top Ten Going Out Songs

"Do you want to go out with me?"

A question I never actually plucked up the courage to ask...

Special mention to This Charming Man, who would go out tonight but he hasn't got a stitch to wear.



10. Francis & The Lights - Going Out

According to Iffypedia, "Francis and the Lights is the stage name of American songwriter Francis Farewell Starlite."

So, let me get this straight... his real name is stagier than his stage name?

9. The Human League - The Stars Are Going Out

One of Louise's friends lives across the road from Phil Oakey. Fact!

8. Little Anthony & The Imperials - Going Out Of My Head

No. Indeed. They do not make them like this anymore.

7. Tom Waits - Goin' Out West

Well my friends think I'm ugly
I got a masculine face

Count yourself lucky, Tom. People say I look like a girl. A pretty ugly girl. 

6. Kirsty MacColl - (I'm Going Out With An) 80 Year Old Millionaire

He won't last much longer if he keeps drinking gin
I filled up the bottle that's marked medicine
He says that he'll leave all his empire to me
And sitting on top is the best place to be
So don't get impatient now boys you must wait
We'll all have such fun when I own the estate
Britt's got her toy boys but I don't care
'Cos I'm going out with an 80 year old millionaire

Ah, Kirsty, how we miss you.

5. Spearmint - We're Going Out

Shirley Lee: Godlike Genius. 

I know nothing seems to excite you anymore
I know it feels like you've got nothing to look forward to
But it's OK - everybody feels like that somethimes
It's just a phase we're going through, that's all

Put your coat on - we're going out!

4. Supergrass - Going Out

Any father's worst nightmare. Your daughter's going out on her first date, there's a knock at the door, and who should be standing there but one of the scruffy, long-haired muppets from Supergrass looking like they haven't had a bath since before the last Olympics. I'm glad we're having a boy...

3. Younger Younger 28s - We're Going Out

Lipstick, cigarette, packet of three... we're going out.

YY28s: should have been massive.

2. Cypress Hill - Ain't Goin' Out Like That

I suspect the definition of "going out" in this song has little to do with dinner and a movie.

Wins many extra points, however, for the line...

Outlaw, I'll kick ya like Billy Ray... Cypress... Hill

1. Joe Jackson - Is She Really Going Out With Him?

Can we all be upstanding for one of the greatest opening lyrics in the history of pop...?

Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street...

Which one would you go out with?

My Top Ten Egg Songs

Happy Easter - have an egg or ten on me.

Special mention to The Eggs, The Lovely Eggs and... Paul McCartney's Scrambled Eggs.



10. Adam & The Ants -  Never Trust A Man (With Egg On His Face)

That's what the voices from outer space tell me...

9. Beastie Boys - Egg Raid On Mojo

Before they discovered / invented / purloined rap, it seems the Beasties were punks at heart.

See also Egg Man, which sounds more like the Beasties you'd expect. 

8. The Flaming Lips - They Punctured My Yolk

A love story about two trainee astronauts torn apart when only one of them gets to go into space.

Or something.

7. The Seahorses - Happiness Is Egg-Shaped

From a great lost Britpop album that you could probably pick up for tuppence on Amazon if you went looking.

6. Tarnation - Little Black Egg

A lot more jangly than I remember.

Then I discovered... it's actually a cover of an old 60s hit by a Florida garage band called The Nightcrawlers. 

Not bad... but I still prefer the Tarnation version.

5. The Human League - Being Boiled

One of the earliest entirely electronic records... get boiled alive by those synths. No idea what the lyrics are about though. 

4. Fight Like Apes - Poached Eggs

If I'm understanding the metaphors correctly, this song is filthy...

3. Tom Waits - Eggs And Sausage (In A Cadillac With Susan Michelson)

Already featured in my Top Ten Breakfast Songs, but far too good to leave out of this list.

2. Giant Sand - Temptation of Egg

The shape of a woman... temptation of egg

If you've never heard this before, please give it a spin. It's both exceedingly cool and slightly scary.

I wake up with something in my eye.
I pull out one of your lashes
I like the way you stuck in my eye.
I like the way my eye stashes.

1. Mansun - Egg Shaped Fred

Mansun go all 'Coo-Coo-Cachoo' on us, inviting Egg Shaped Fred for tea.

Those were days...




Which one's your Easter Egg?