The Best Medicine #2: More A$$holes

In the spirit of getting other people to write my posts for me, here’s C to help us ponder why we don’t / can’t laugh the way we did when we were young…

I'm not much of a laugh-out-loud type of person! - but oh I miss those helpless giggles that make your eyes water and your stomach ache and definitely seem to have disappeared with age - though very occasionally they do appear and when they do it feels so SO good. It's always the odd things that do that, abstract things somehow that tickle me, so humour in songs can fall a bit short and I do think it's a bit of an acquired taste. Having said that, your post straight away reminded me of one humour song that I've liked since first hearing it - sure you know it... From 1993 but (of course) still very much relevant today…

Ah yes, I had that one on CD single, C. I was a big fan of Dennis Leary back when he used to do those short, angry MTV videos. It was a more mainstream version of what Bill Hicks was doing, and it appealed to my Angry Young Man phase back in the early 90s.

Drive-By Truckers - Assholes

I decided to do a bit of research into why I can’t laugh at things like I used to, and I found an article in The New York Post that says we start to lose our sense of humour at age 23! So I reckon it’s long gone for most of us now.

Childhood is often carefree. Adulthood often isn’t. The average 4-year-old, the authors write, laughs as many as 300 times a day. The average 40-year-old will take two and a half months to log that many chuckles. 

Apparently having a job is one of the main reasons we stop laughing so much. That, and all the added responsibilities of adulthood – mortgage, bills, children et al.

August and The Spur of the Moment Band - The I-95 Asshole Song

The good news is, if we live long enough (and live far enough into our retirement years to overcome the trauma of adulthood), this chart suggests our ability to laugh will return…

I dunno… I look at my Mum. She doesn’t have a lot to laugh about these days. Confined to the house, eyesight almost gone, scared to leave her chair in case she has another fall, carers coming in to get her up in the morning and put her to bed at night… as she approaches 100, I’m not sure she’s laughing the way she did when she was 25. That said, my Mum’s always had a good sense of humour, and the fact that she still has it at 97, despite all she has to cope with… I think that’s amazing. I doubt I’ll be in such good spirits if I’m lucky enough to live that long.

Jim's Big Ego - Asshole

As the title of this series reminds us, laughter is great for our mental health. Can we get it back into our lives? The investigation continues…

Maybe there's also some mileage in wondering why we find offensive words so amusing. And pondering the difference between asshole and arsehole... is one funnier than the other? Or does it entirely depend on context?

Celebrity Jukebox #141: Ozzy Osborne

I'm not going to pretend to have been a huge Ozzy fan, but I could easily have been. It's the road not travelled...

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

After all these years of myth-making, the TV show, the family, the self-mockery and the colossal caricature (not to mention biting the head off that bat), I readily accept that there are two types of people who know much more about Ozzy than I ever will: the dedicated heavy rock fans (I dabble, but I'm not a connoisseur) and those who know very little about music at all... but just enjoyed the Show. (And by that, I don't just mean The Osbornes.)

Ozzy Osborne - Perry Mason

I'll let you in on a little secret through... whenever I come across an old Ozzy track I've not heard before, like the one above, I dig it. Because I've always had a soft spot for metal that isn't too metal. Really, it's just pop music with louder guitars.

Ozzy Osborne - Let Me Hear You Scream

If nothing else, Ozzy was a Show. And beyond that, he was the very best kind of rock star: one who never took himself too seriously... or at all seriously. That's the way he came across to me, anyway.

 

As is customary in this feature, I went looking for songs that might mention the dearly departed. And only then did I realise just how far Ozzy's influence stretches... and how much bigger he was in the States than in his home country. As you'd expect, some of these songs are quite loud...

Alien Crime Syndicate - Ozzy

We saw Ozzy on our first date

Our special song is Crazy Train

Making out in the middle of the pit

How come Slayer doesn't sing about this

If anything comes between you and me

Then heavy metal heaven, that's where we'll meet

Nerf Herder - Pantera Fans In Love

I know metal is dead

But I want to bang my head

And throw my fists up into the air

I know Ozzy Osbourne's old but I don't care

Diesel Boy - Cock Rock

But they're not all rock songs.

I'm a cross between Manson, Esham and Ozzy

I don't know why the fuck I'm here in the first place

Eminem - Still Don't Give A Fuck

Quite a lot of rappers mention Ozzy in favourable terms... perhaps for obvious reasons. But you might not expect him to pop up in a country tune...

Ever since I met you, girl, you been on my brain

I can't think of nothin' else but you all night and day

It's like I got a first-class seat up on Ozzy's train

And it's drivin' me insane

Dierks Bentley - 5-1-5-0

Maybe it's more to be expected in the place where country meets rock...

So I never saw Lynyrd Skynyrd but I sure saw Ozzy Osbourne

With Randy Rhoads in '82 Right before that plane crash

The Drive-By Truckers - Let There Be Rock

Punk rockers obviously tipped their hats to Ozzy...

Tipper, what's that sticker sticking on my CD?

Is that some kind of warning to protect me?

Freedom of choice needs a stronger, stronger voice

You can stamp out the source, but you can't stop creative thought

Ah, Tipper, come on

Ain't you been getting it on?

Ask Ozzy, Zappa or me

We'll show you what it's like to be free

The Ramones - Censorshit

"We came home and found our son

Lying dead on his bed of a gunshot wound

He had his headphones on

And there was an Ozzy record on the turntable

So, we called our lawyer"

The Dead Kennedys - Triumph Of The Swill

And while I'm pretty sure this reggae hit from the 70s wasn't about The Prince of Darkness... it would be nice to imagine he might have been an influence.

Rasta Ozzy from up de hill

Decide fi check 'pon 'im grocery bill

An' when him add up de t'ings him need

De dunny done wha' him save fi buy likkle weed

Pluto Shervington - Dat

Even ultra-cool Canadians love Ozzy...

Pop pop, fizz fizz

Ohhhhh what a sweet leaf it is

Like Ozzy Osbourne I was born to perform

Aww, zeah?

Chilly Gonzales - So-Called Party Over There

Now before we get to today's winner... here's Beck's tribute...

Beck - Ozzy

When it came to choosing my favourite Ozzy tribute song though, there was no contest. Especially as the lead singer of this band once left a comment on my blog. Here's B4S with a song about the passing of time, and all its sickening crimes...

She hates time, make it stop

When did Mötley Crüe become classic rock? 

And when did Ozzy become an actor?

Please make this stop, stop, stop...

Snapshots Spillover: More Songs To Help You Get Through The Working Week

Welcome to the working week!

Here are some more songs about struggling through 'til payday... starting with the obvious one, clocking in at less than 90 seconds... Album #1, Side #1, Track #1...

Elvis Costello - Welcome To The Working Week

And then, of course, there's the one that I hinted at on Saturday... but which would have been just two damned obvious...

Dolly Parton - 9 To 5

And speaking of obvious...

Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job And Shove It

What else can I offer you?

Drive-By Truckers - This Fucking Job

Well, there's no need to swear. We're not going bowling.

Well, I get up at seven, yeah

And I'll go to work at nine

I got no time for livin'

Yes, I'm workin' all the time

Rush - Working Man

Early in the morning, factory whistle blows

Man rises from bed and puts on his clothes

Man takes his lunch, walks out in the morning light

It's the work, the working, just the working life

Bruce Springsteen - Factory

But I keep my nose on the grindstone, I work hard every day

Get tired on the weekend, after I draw my pay

But I'll go back workin', come Monday morning I'm right back with the crew

I'll drink a little beer that evening

Sing a little bit of these working man blues

Merle Haggard - Working Man's Blues

Now we're talking, Merle! Let's focus on the pay packet...

Jesse Winchester - Payday

Deacon Blue - Wages Day

Or, at the very least, clocking off time. 

Hello, darlin' - I'm home again

Covered in shit and aches and pains

Too knackered to think, so give me time to come round

Just gimme the living room beat to the TV sound

The Jam - Just Who Is The 5 O'Clock Hero?

On the bright side though, Paul, it's always five o'clock somewhere...

Self-Help For Cynics #20: Ninety Second Emotions

Last weekend, Louise and I had a bit of an argument. It wasn't a particularly important one, just one of the hundreds of squabbles most human beings living under the same roof as other human beings will subject themselves to over the course of the year. I can't even remember what it was about now, but at the time I was livid.

The O'Jays - 992 Arguments

I'm kinda putting off tackling the subject of anger in this series, because it's a huge kettle of anchovies. I'm avoiding it because it looks like it'll be hard work... and those of you who read last week's post will realise that's rather counter-productive of me. Hey, I'm not claiming to be following my own advice all the time - take your "physician, heal thyself" comments and stick them where the sun don't shine. 

Cleckheaton.

Drive-By Truckers - Sun Don't Shine

Anyway, after the argument, I took myself off to stew in the living room. I hate any kind of disagreement, so will take the first opportunity to run away and do whatever I can to avoid it starting up again. This will usually involve not discussing the subject of the argument or anything else for as long as possible, since any form of communication might re-trigger the aggro. Some people might call this sulking. I prefer to term it Crisis Management. 

Billy Bragg - Sulk

After about a minute though, Louise came to find me. "Here we go again," I thought, at which point Louise said...

"Are you finding those new tuna tins hard to drain? I find they leave a ring and you have to press down and it doesn't get all the water out so you end up with really mushy tuna and..."

I'll spare you the rest, but it was as though our earlier disagreement hadn't even happened and instantly we were back to discussing the trivial annoyances of day to day living. Well, Louise was, anyway. Me... I find it much harder to reset my emotions like that. 

The Band of Holy Joy - Baubles, Bangles, Emotional Tangles

In her immensely readable book Unf*ck Your Brain, the delightfully foul-mouthed Dr. Faith G, Harper tells us...

"Our emotions influence our thoughts and behaviours. They are meant to be a physiological signal to the rest of the brain. Once they have done their jobs, they are then meant to dissipate.

Do you know how long an emotion is actually meant to last?

90 seconds.

Seriously, just one and a half minutes for an emotion to run its course. 

But you are calling "bullshit" right now, I know. Because if that were really the case, why do our emotions last hours, days, or years? 90 seconds? Not so much.

Emotions last longer than 90 seconds because we continue to fuel them with our thoughts. We do this by telling ourselves the same stories about the triggering situation over and over. This is when they stop being emotions and start becoming moods."

The Sound - The One And A Half Minute Song

Our emotions last exactly as long as that tune. And this one...

Van Morrison - Hold On, George

And exactly one second longer than this.

The Swell Maps - Read About Seymour

So how do we stop our 90 second emotions becoming full-on hissy fits, extended bouts of pout, or lock-yourself-in-the-toilet meltdowns?  

The answer, according to the experts, presumably people who never experience more than 90 seconds of negative emotions at any one time, is to take control of our own feelings and become emotionally self-aware. 

Slaves - Take Control

Yes, we can self-regulate our emotions! 

Warren G ft. Nate Dogg - Regulate

This all seems like a shed-load of work to me, but here's a few tips from Psychology Today about how to stop 90 seconds of upset ruining your entire day...

“Look at the second hand on a watch. As soon as you look at it, you’re now observing yourself having this physiological response instead of engaging with it. It will take less than 90 seconds, and you will feel better. Of course, you can always go back to thinking those thoughts that re-stimulate the loop. There’s probably a thought somewhere in your brain of somebody who did you wrong 20 years ago. Every time you think of that person it still starts that circuit. When things are getting hot and you’re getting hot-headed, look at your watch. It takes 90 seconds to dissipate that anger response.”

The Sweet - Own Up, Take a Look at Yourself

We keep coming back to this on Self-Help For Cynics. Make yourself aware of what your brain is doing as a first step to taking back control. But how easy is that to do in the heat of the moment when your brain is fired up with the matter at hand? I reckon it'll take practice.

Uriah Heep - Look At Yourself

Sweary Dr. Faith takes this idea one step further. She suggests facing your emotions head on. Sitting down and wallowing in them. relishing them, living them to their full potential.

Not avoiding them.

Not just putting up with them.

Actually grasping the nettle and saying to yourself, "Hey, I'm angry / frightened / sad / etc. right now. This is what it feels like. It might feel pretty awful, but I know it won't last, so let's just give it a bit of time, give it its space."

Primal Scream - Don't Fight It, Feel It

Again, hardly the easiest course of action - particularly for those of us who are Professional Conflict-Avoiders. But, Dr. Faith assures us...

"If you attend to what you're feeling, you get over it way more quickly than if you avoid it. I've noticed I'm bored with myself about three minutes into committing to sitting with my feeling for five. I'm ready to go make a cup of coffee, read a book, find the cookies I hid from myself, or do anything other than perserverate."

REO Speedwagon - Can't Fight This Feeling

Perseverate, people! That's my word of the week. The kind people at Dictionary Corner tell me it means...

...to repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased.

Kate Bush - Feel It

All this makes me think that the brain is like a small child that wants our attention when we're otherwise occupied. You can try to ignore the child's continued efforts to disrupt your day... or you can try to muddle along, balancing the thing you're doing with giving the child a bit of attention. Or you can drop everything and give the child your full attention - blatantly. "OK, I'm watching you... what are you doing? Can I watch you do that too? Show me more! Let me watch YOU!" 

I've actually done this with Sam on occasion, and often he'll get bored with this sudden bout of hyper-attention and actually want to be left alone for a bit. The people in the know tells us that our brain will do exactly the same thing... if we give it the attention it craves.

The Creation - How Does It Feel To Feel?

As with everything else in this series, I don't claim any of this is a magic wand or a miracle cure. But it is something to think about...

Self-Help For Cynics #13: Mentalising Cyclists

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike

I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride it where I like

Queen - Bicycle Race

In last week’s post, I mentioned my frequently expressed hatred of Audi drivers. Martin responded that he used to drive an Audi. Don’t worry, Martin, we all did things we regret in our younger days. It’s good that you can own your past transgressions, that you now see the error of your ways, and I’m sure you’ve spent the time since making up for it – being kind to small animals, giving more to charity, occasionally letting other drivers have their right of way.

Nick Lowe - A Better Man

My reply to Martin was rather flippant, I’m afraid, and I feel I should apologise for that. I said, “And you’re also a cyclist! And yet, I still like you. So you must be doing something right.” 

I need to make it clear that I don’t put cyclists in the same bracket as Audi drivers. Not all cyclists are bad, but I do reserve a particular disdain for the selfish and arrogant ones, usually MAMILs, who believe their hobby / exercise routine trumps the rights and priorities of all other road users. There are times I feel like setting up a desk in the middle of a cycle lane and writing my blog there, or taking the ironing board out onto the Transpennine Cycle Trail and standing smack dab in the middle of it while I press the creases out of my smalls. But such behaviour would be petty. Far better to manage my grievances through mentalisation.

Missing Persons - Mental Hopscotch

On the first week of my new job, just over two years ago, I attended a course that introduced me to the concept of mentalisation. It’s not the best of words, since whenever I hear it, I immediately think of Alan Partridge running away from his obsessive fan, or else I conjure up an image of this guy…

Mentalisation has nothing to do with either of those weird cultural reference points. Science Direct tells us…

“Mentalisation is the ability to think about states of mind (e.g., thoughts, feelings, intentions) in the self and other people.”

Mentalisation is used a lot in therapy, but it’s also encouraged for teachers, business people, anyone who might find themselves in a situation of conflict with another person who appears to have opposing views, plans or wishes to yourself.

Lou Reed - How Do You Think It Feels?

The idea is similar to empathy, but empathy that you think about and apply to a situation, rather than empathy that comes naturally. A quick word on the difference between empathy and sympathy, since it’s something I get asked a lot by students...

A friend of yours tells you what a bad time they’re having since they lost a loved one. You can sympathise as above, without really feeling their pain. Or you can empathise, because you care about them deeply, you knew the person they’ve lost, or because it reminds you of a loss you yourself suffered. 

The other different between empathy and sympathy is that you can have empathy for positive emotions. Sympathy's all about the negative, "feeling sorry" for someone. 

Parquet Courts - Sympathy for Life

OK, mentalisation isn’t quite the same as either of those things. It’s more cold and logical. It’s the Mr. Spock version of empathy. It asks you to carefully assess the actions of another, to try to appreciate why they’re acting the way they are, thereby controlling your own reaction to it.

Charley Pryde - Hope You're Feelin' Me (Like I'm Feelin' You)

Imagine you’re going into a difficult business meeting with someone you know has very different goals and objectives to you. If you think beforehand about their aims and intentions, try to understand where they’re coming from, then you’re less likely to get pissed off when they refuse to play ball with your plans, and you might be more willing to find a compromise that suits everybody.

As a teacher, it’s useful to try mentalising my students. Why is little Timmy throwing his chair through the window? What’s he got going on in his life, at home or elsewhere in school? Is it a cry for help? Or did he just have George's Maths lesson the period before mine?

Elvis Presley - How Do You Think I Feel?

Let’s try and apply mentalisation to my frustration at being stuck behind a cyclist on a narrow country lane. At five miles an hour in first gear up a steep Yorkshire hillside. With no passing places until you get right to the top. And I’m in a rush, because I’m late to pick Sam up from the school because the traffic has been really bad tonight.

Drive-By Truckers - Slow Ride Argument

If I concentrate my thoughts on me in this situation – my goals, my annoyance, how I wouldn’t have the audacity to keep on riding my bike in this situation if there was a queue of ten cars behind me – I’m just going to get more wound up.

Drive-By Argument - Cyclists Run Red Lights

Instead, let’s try to mentalise that cyclist. Maybe he had a heart attack last year and his doctor told him cycling is the best exercise if he wants to see the other side of 60? Maybe his wife left him a few months back and cycling is the only thing that takes his mind off his loneliness? Maybe he’s in training for a charity bike ride to earn enough money to fly his young son to the States for an experimental medical procedure that might save the boy's life? 

Now, admittedly, this is speculative mentalisation, since I’ll never know the truth, and likely none of them come anywhere near the truth (and maybe the truth is, that cyclist really doesn’t give a shit about anybody else on the road since they’re completely devoid of empathy or the ability to mentalise the needs of others; i.e. maybe they’re also an Audi driver), but it’s the process that matters. It’s certainly healthier to try to mentalise in this situation. And anger is pointless, apparently. But we’ll get back to that another time. The main thing is to try to imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. These songs, from the perspective of cyclists, help me feel the other side of the story...

Lisa Germano - Riding My Bike

Tomorrow - My White Bicycle

Half Man Half Biscuit - See That My Bike's Kept Clean

(And of course, I can't resist the urge to quote well-known rock-cyclist Nigel Blackwell one more time... "Too many psychopaths. Not enough cycle paths.")

If none of that works, maybe I can try to imagine that cyclist is a friend of mine. What if it's Martin? If I imagine that, then I know he’s not doing this out of malicious intent, he’s just doing what he needs to do. If I imagine it’s someone I know, someone I like and respect, then suddenly I feel far less animosity towards them, because I know they're not doing it on purpose just to piss me off. (To be fair, some of my friends would do it on purpose just to piss me off, but that's OK when it's your friends.) Suddenly it becomes much easier to mentalise them. There’s probably a psychological name for doing this, but I haven’t come across it yet. I’m no expert, just a layman trying to make sense of it all to help myself.

I take a few steps back to gain perspective, perspective, 
And kid myself that I can be objective, objective

Next week - joggers!

(Not really.)

Snapshots #282: A Top Ten Southern Songs

I feel like a New Man this morning.

Now we've got that joke out of the way, here are ten songs for southerners...

10. His son's on the lash again. 

This is Albert Hammond. His son is Albert Hammond Jr. He's in The Strokes.

Albert Hammond - It Never Rains In Southern California

9. Cold as ice.

Freeez - Southern Freeez

8. Performed by a bargain basement magician.

Cheap Trick - Southern Girls

7. Rude, tricky verbs.

Anagram!

Drive-By Truckers - The Southern Thing

6. Mia's devilish offspring.

Mia Farrow starred in Rosemary's Baby.

Rosemary's Children - Southern Fields

5. There's a messed up guy online.

"Guy online" is a messed up anagram of...

Neil Young - Southern Man

4. Formerly an influential film director.

He used to be an Auteur. Now he's just...

Luke Haines - English Southern Man

3. Use it to buy the office supplies.

Time to raid the Petty Cash.

Tom Petty - Southern Accents

Johnny Cash - Southern Accents

2. Bebop chops.

The Jazz Butcher - Southern Mark Smith

Classic!

1. Ringing tents in the narrow valley.

Ringing tents would have camp-bells. A narrow valley is a glen.

Glen Campbell - Southern Nights

More Snapshots - direct from the north of England - next Saturday.

Celebrity Jukebox #50: Jerry Lee Lewis

It struck me that I haven’t yet marked the passing of the last of the original rock n rollers, Jerry Lee Lewis. Chuck, Buddy, Gene, Eddie, Elvis… all the rest are long gone. Some died very young (I often find myself wondering what Buddy Holly would have done next), but only Jerry Lee got to really grow old disgracefully. A controversial figure, to be sure, but there’s no denying the power of his music. 

For songs that mention Jerry Lee by name, we need look no further than Jerry Lee himself. Here are just a few…

Jerry Lee Lewis - A Damned Good Country Song 

Well, I’ve took enough pills for big Memphis town
Ol’ Jerry Lee's drank enough whiskey to lift any ship off the ground
I’ll be the first to admit
Sure do wish these people would quit it
You know it’s tough enough
To straighten up
When these idiots won’t leave you alone
Jerry Lee Lewis’s life would make a damned good country song

Jerry Lee Lewis - Trouble In Mind 

Troubled in mind, I’m so blue
But I won’t be blue always
Cause that ol’ sun’s gonna shine
On ol' Jerry's back doorstep someday

Jerry Lee Lewis -  Rockin’ My Life Away 

I’m just rockin’ and rollin’ my life away
My name’s Jerry Lee Lewis and I’m darn sure here to stay

Jerry Lee Lewis - Better Not Look Down 

In which Jerry Lee gives advice to the Queen. Curious that they both left us within just a couple of months of each other. 

And did you know that Jerry Lee Lewis invented Jive Bunny? He might as well have…

Jerry Lee Lewis – The Return Of Jerry Lee 

Finally, and perhaps most apt…

Jerry Lee Lewis - When I Take My Vacation In Heaven

Jerry Lee is going to spend his vacation in Heaven
With loved ones gone on before Jerry Lee
It’ll be Jesus, my saviour
Forever and ever
Please spend your vacation with me

See? He’s not really gone. Just taking an extended vacation.

What about other songwriters? What do they have to say about Jerry Lee?

Let’s start with Ray…

The Kinks – One Of The Survivors

He digs Jerry Lee Lewis, Dion and The Belmonts, 
And Johnny and The Hurricanes.

In case you’re keeping score, Johnny Paris died in 2006. Dion DiMucci, on the other hand, is still with us. I guess he might be the last man standing now. (Unless we count Willie Nelson, 6 years older than Dion and still going strong.)

The late Ian Dury also placed Jerry Lee in some very fine company…

Ian Dury & The Blockheads – Dance of the Crackpots

From Rosemary Clooney to Jerry Lee Lewis
From Debussy to Thelonious Monk
It’s the modern art of the human heart
The shape of things to funk, funk, funk

And here’s a song that name-drops everyone from Creedence to Otis to Missy Elliott to Korn. Chances are this one will pop up again.

Racket County – The Truth

One more of those, Paul Heaton’s celebration of jukebox records…

Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott – 7” Singles

However, we must remember that Jerry Lee Lewis wasn’t exactly a paragon of virtue. For example…

Big Audio Dynamite – BAD

Jerry Lee Lewis had a child bride
Only thirteen, but he said he's justified

Indie rocker Ike Reilly writes lyrics more suited to a rap song, but though he’s been described as “rude, crude and lewd”, he also has something to say, and does so in quite a clever way.

The Ike Reilly Assassination – I Don’t Want What You Got (Goin’ On)

Chuck Berry, Cadillac, Ludacris, Cadillac
Jerry Lee Lewis with his balls on fire 
In the back of a Rocket 88
With an out-of-state plate and an underage date
Cars and girls and drinks and songs
Leave that shit in the middle of the road
What about love and what about trust?

And that’s not the only trouble Jerry Lee got into. Remember the time he shot his bass player? (It was an accident, apparently, but he still got sued.)

Reverend Horton Heat - Death Metal Guys

Jerry Lee Lewis shot his bass player down
Down to the ground
But death metal guys would have eaten his brain
And people call Jerry Lee Lewis insane!

There’s no denying Jerry Lee had a bit of a reputation… but was he really evil?

Ministry – Jesus Built My Hotrod 

"Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true
Jerry Lee Lewis was the devil
Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world
So there was only one thing that I could do
Was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long"

Then again, you could argue that’s what made him interesting! More interesting than a lot of young rock stars these days…

The Stone Coyotes – American Child

Somebody tell me
What’s going on?
Where are the wild ones?
Where have they gone?
Give me Jerry Lee Lewis
Give me Joey Ramone

Some of these new boys
They say they want to fight
But it takes them three days
To get the drum sound right

In truth, there were far more records that mentioned Jerry Lee than I’ve got time or inclination to feature here. But here are just a few of them…

Mac Davis – Hooked On Music

Ringo Starr – I’ll Be Fine Anywhere

Apple – Doctor Rock

Johnny Hallyday – Excusez-moi de chanter encore du rock and roll

Drive-By Truckers – Demonic Possession

Eddy Mitchell – Les Filles de Jerry Lee Lewis

Kid Rock & Eminem – Fuck Off

Miranda Lambert & The B52s – Music City Queen

Van Morrison – In The Days Before Rock n Roll

But this is the song I chose to close with today. Because Frank Turner understands the spirit of rock n roll that Jerry embodied. And just like I do, Frank still believes…

And I still believe
In the saints
Yeah, in Jerry Lee and in Johnny
And all the greats

My Top Ten Opening Lines Volume 3

I manage one of these Top Tens about every three years (although this one is slightly late). I collect them as I go along and when I've got enough for a Top Ten, I unleash them on the world.

Volume 1 (2015)

Volume 2 (2018)

In previous volumes, folks have entertained themselves by seeing how many they can get from the lines alone before clicking on the links to see if they're right. That might be a little harder this time...

10. What a drag it is getting old

Pretty big clue above. I wonder if he looks back on the irony of writing that line when he was so young...

9. Well, it's only been two years, and she already hates my dog

Clearly that relationship is doomed.

8. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called "life".

He certainly helped me make my way through it.

7. Son, I'm 30 - I only went with your mother 'cause she's dirty

He always was a wrong 'un.

6. The trouble with your brother - he's always sleeping with your mother

Ditto the above.

5. When I was a young boy, sniffed a lot of glue

Bit obscure that one, but still a great opening line.

4. Sometimes you're better off dead; there's a gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head...

Don't do it!

3. Honey, don't you be yelling at me when I'm cleaning my gun 

Ditto the above.

2. With the money from her accident, she bought herself a mobile home

Not his first appearance in one of these Top Tens.

1. I'll have a shower and then phone my brother up. Within the hour, I'll smash another cup 

If I were ever to phone my brother up, I reckon I'd end up breaking crockery afterwards too.

Snapshots #204: A Top Ten Songs Named After Famous Actors

Lights, camera, action!

This week's Snapshots brought together ten male Hollywood stars... I'm saving the female actors (or actresses, as we used to call them in the old days) for another time. But not next week. It'll be when you least expect it.

Meanwhile, here are the leading men...

10. The beginning and ending of Stig of the Dump.

St...ump.

Lights! Camel! Action!

Bushes that refuse to burn

See these sandals hardly worn

Raining blood, raining bread

The night we painted Egypt red

Then Charlton Heston put his vest on...

Stump - Charlton Heston

9. Get a loan to build your new privvy.

You need a John Grant, mate.

I got to meet him once, and he was really, really cool.

And when I think about everything's that he's been through,

I wish he'd call me on the phone and take my ass to school.

John Grant - Ernest Borgnine

8. Experts on fairy chimneys.

These are fairy chimneys, also known as hoodoos...

Gene must have made thousand films

He's kissed a thousand girls

And made a thousand kills

And let's not forget he took on Superman!

Hoodoo Gurus - Gene Hackman

7. Often found in crowds.

The madness of crowds...

He picks up useless paper

And puts it in my pocket

I'm trying very hard to keep my fingers clean

I can't remember tell me what's his name

Madness - Michael Caine

6. Known to wage warefare.

Guerrilla warfare.

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad

I got sunshine in a bag

I'm useless, but not for long

The future is coming on

Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood

5. An intense tie.

Anagram!

I keep falling in love

And you're breaking my heart

I know that it's wrong

But where do I start?

It's the end of the day

I'm here alone

And you're so far away

Saint Etienne - Jack Lemmon

4. Adam Sandlers.

Adam Sandler was in The Waterboy.

Cowboy hat, man that ain't no topper

His suit's as slick as a lick by Cropper

He's dressing like a Carnaby Street pill-popper

Dennis Hopper!

The Waterboys - Dennis Hopper 

3. Every bird struck.

Anagram!

Bullet was my favorite movie that I'd ever seen

I totaled my go-cart trying to imitate that chase scene

That Duster had six hubcaps, know what I mean

And I love the way they all flew off when it landed in that ravine

Drive-By Truckers - Steve McQueen 

2. Associated with tramps and babies.

Lady & The Tramp.

Babies go gaga.

Every John is just the same

I'm sick of their city games

I crave a real wild man

I'm strung out on John Wayne

Lady Gaga - John Wayne

1. Where... dare?

Where Eagles Dare, of course!

Well, talk about a low-down bad refrigerator

You were just too cool for school

Sock hop, soda pop, basketball and auto shop

The only thing that got you off was breakin' all the rules

The Eagles - James Dean

Put your vest on again next Saturday morning for more snapshots...

My Top Twenty of 2020 #20

 

A quick update... so we moved house a week ago and the new house is much nicer than the old one that we only lived in for 14 months, and only for about 6 months before we realised we hated it. I'll explain why another time. For now I have no internet because Sky have screwed up the broadband transfer and it may be another 10 days before I'm back online properly. Right now I'm tethering from my mobile but that's eating data like I eat scones... so I'll keep this brief.

My Top Twenty albums of 2020. 

Although there's actually about 26 of them. I'll explain why later. 

Most of these are not in any particular order, except the Top Five.

For now, it's another year, another two Drive By Truckers albums (this, and The New OK, released a month or so ago). Both of which were fine (if rather pissed-off, mostly with The Donald) records, though you can't help but wonder what might be the result of them holding their breath and saving up the best tracks for one classic album rather than releasing every random doodling that strays from Patterson Hood's pen. Still, this is the world we live in now. Infinite music, infinite choice, no time to really listen to anything in any great details before the next one comes along. 

My Top Ten 'Hate Your Job' Songs

Inevitable, really...


10. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

There was a time this one would have been Number One, but... y'know...

Still. Has he ever written a truer line?

I was looking for a job 

And then I found a job

And heaven knows I'm miserable now

9. The Police - Dead End Job

Sting has rarely sounded angrier.

Don't wanna be no teacher, I don't wanna be no slave

I don't wanna work no assembly line, like my uncle Dave

The queue gets longer everyday, I just ain't got time to stay

I ain't gonna run away, all I wanna do is play

8. The Walkmen - This Job Is Killing Me

Just like Thom Yorke said...

7. Lou Reed - Don't Talk To Me About Work

I'm not sure Lou Reed ever did a day's work in his life. But it's nice of him to sympathise with the rest of us.

Don't talk to me about work

Please don't talk to me about work

I'm up to my eyeballs in dirt

With work, with work

How many dollars, how many sales

How many liars, how many tales

How many insults must you take in this one life?

I'm in prison most of the day

So please excuse me if I get this way

But I have got obligations to keep

So be very careful when you speak

Don't talk to me about work

6. The Jam - Smithers-Jones

Sitting on the train, you're nearly there

You're a part of the production line

You're the same as him, you're like tin-sardines

Get out of the pack, before they peel you back

And after all that effort, they give him the sack.

This always makes me think Weller must have been listening to Sparks.

5. BJ Barham - American Tobacco Company

Only recently discovered this, but it's been on repeat play.

Now every single morning I walk into this building

I think about my children, and the life they oughta lead

And I try my best

Not to look back

4. The Divine Comedy - Office Politics

This one's about the bastards in charge and how they keep getting away with it.

Intern chokes on his gooseberry fool

Consternation in the typing pool

Press the flesh, do the deal

Book your place on the hamster wheel

See that PowerPoint presentation

Worthy of a BAFTA nomination

Zero hours, maximum pressure

You know what they say about business and pleasure

3.  Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job And Shove It

Who doesn't dream of one day walking into the boss's office and saying these words?

Well, that foreman, he's a regular dog

The line boss, he's a fool

Got a brand new flattop haircut

Lord, he thinks he's cool

One of these days I'm gonna' blow my top

And that sucker, he's gonna' pay

Lord I can't wait to see their faces

When I get the nerve to say

Take this job and shove it

I ain't working here no more!

2. Drive-By Truckers - This Fucking Job

Well, quite.

Workin' this job is a kick in the pants

Workin' this job is like a knife in the back

It ain't gettin' me further than the dump I live in

It ain't gettin' me further than the next paycheck

Workin' this job is like lightin' two fuses

Workin' this job is runnin' out of excuses

It's like a dead-end when a road map is useless

Until I'm dead and there's nothin' to show for my uses

1. Huey Lewis & The News - Workin' For A Livin'

Look, I know you don't agree that this should be Number One, but I need cheering up, OK? And Huey always does the job...

Some days won't end ever and some days pass on by

I'll be working here forever, at least until I die

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

I'm supposed to get a raise week, you know damn well I won't

HARMONICA!



As per the new Top Ten rule, I stopped looking for them once I had ten, so I'm sure there's lots more where these came from. Feel free to throw me your suggestions and I'll happily do a Volume 2. Misery loves company...