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It's Christmastime.
There's no need to be afraid.
Yes, it’s time to let in light and banish shade as the
Cancel Culture Club celebrates Christmas in the best way possible… by giving
Bono a kicking.
Now, yes, I know Bono wasn’t the instigator of Band Aid – that was Bob and Midge. But I’ve got nothing particularly against Bob or Midge, so I’m going to credit them with all the good things that can be said about Do They Know It’s Christmas? while I happily let Bono take the flack for everything else. In doing so, I hope to set the record straight / rewrite history in staggeringly Trumpian fashion, because in our world of plenty, I like to spread a smile of joy at Christmastime.
Everclear - I Will Be Hating You For Christmas
But it’s not all about me, me, me, is it, Bono? There were
other people in Band Aid, you know. Just as there are other people in the
Cancel Culture Club Committee. So let’s hear from them…
Surely we shouldn’t cancel Band Aid? Let’s start by asking
C, shall we? She can usually find the best in everybody…
'Do They Know It's Christmas?' Oh gawd. For me, it's not so much what's wrong with
it, but what could possibly even be right with it? I can't find a single thing for the latter. Oh, I suppose it had good intentions, but
Christ (sorry, and on your birthday too, Mr Jesus) what a tasteless,
patronising, mawkish, embarrassing, dumbed-down, nauseating load of absolute
drivel of a way to... to "raise awareness"? On the above grounds, I would most definitely
consign it to the landfill of eternal doom along with all the non-biodegradable
crap festive debris, never to be played again.
“The landfill of eternal doom”… ah, C, poetic even in opprobrium.
Sparks – Thank God It’s Not Christmas
What about the wonderful John Medd? Surely he’s got
something nice to say?
Do they know...?
A very tired song now. Geldof has consented to so many
lyrical changes over the years that it barely represents the original. Put it
out to pasture; it's done its job now. It's a crying shame the musical
cognoscenti didn't wrap their arms around Gaza with such gusto.
Ooh: little bit of politics. When I first read John’s
comment, I thought he was suggesting a charity record in aid of Paul Gascoigne,
such is my ignorance of world affairs, and I did wonder what poor old Gazza was
crying about now.
But say a prayer… here comes Martin!
Do They Know It's Christmas? is an interesting one. I know
we're not allowed to cancel on the grounds of quality or personal preference…
Actually, I think this series has categorically proven that
it’s impossible to make a decision on cancellation without being biased by
personal preference. And maybe that’s why it’s time to bring it to an end,
worthy experiment though it was. There’s enough negativity out there, and I
always wanted this blog to be a place to celebrate good music, not slag off the
things I don’t like (Bono excepted, of course). Oh, sorry, Martin… I
interrupted you mid-sentence…
…but for clarity let's start by binning all the anniversary
re-treads since, to which the law of diminishing returns most certainly
applies. I'm looking at you, Band Aid 20 and Band Aid 30. They're gone because
they're crap and no-one cares about them.
OK, let’s take a pause to consider this. I have to admit,
until Martin brought them to my attention, I was blissfully unaware of every
Band Aid sequel apart from this one…
Band
Aid II – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Now back in 1989, I had no time for it at all. I mean, it
was produced by Stock, Aitken & Waterman, for god’s sake. So that explains
why Kylie, Jason and Sonia (!) were up front. And Cliff’s on there, of course.
And Marti Pellow’s huge, shit-eating Joker-grin. And bloody Bros! With star
names like Glen Goldsmith, Big Fun, D Mob and and the jam-pumping Technotronic (incorrectly listed
as "Technotronics" on the record sleeve). A gleeful reminder of why
the late 80s really was the nadir of pop music.
But wait, looking back now, I also feel a twinge of
nostalgia in the same way my Mum’s generation might get dewy-eyed about air
raid sirens and gas masks. Look – there’s Jimmy Sommerville. Lisa Stansfield.
Bananarama! Maybe 1989 wasn’t so bad after all… at least there’s no Bono. That
in itself should surely grant Band Aid II a stay of execution. Especially when
compared to…
Band
Aid 20 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Looking at the list of contributors, I figured I might like this
a lot more than I did. Apparently Neil Hannon’s on there (somewhere?) and Thom
Yorke’s playing the piano. But you wouldn’t notice, because all I got from the
video was Chris Martin, Dido, Robbie Williams and that bloke from Keane who
looks like a young David Cameron. I quite enjoyed Dizzee Rascal’s bit, but the
true horror was reserved for… the return of Bono. Just when you thought it was
safe to go back in the water, etc. Oh, and there’s a really cringey bit where a
haggard (not faggot - see previous edition) Saint Bob makes all the early noughties pop sensations stand around in
the studio watching old Ethiopian snuff movies with a tear in their eye,
presumably just before Damon Albarn brings them a nice cuppa. (I credit Damon
with that because iffypedia has him down as ‘Tea Boy’ – but that could well be
someone taking the piss.)
We will get back to Martin’s thoughts in a moment, but as he
started me down this particular rabbit hole...
Band
Aid 30 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Strangely I feel more ignorant about the pop music of 10
years ago than I do about the pop music of today. Thanks to Sam, I am at least
aware of the bigger names in pop right now (and some of them I’ve even taken a
shine to), but One Direction, Rita Ora and Olly Murs are names I recognise without
any context at all. That’s not to say there aren’t people in this mob who get
royally on my tits – Ed Sheeran for one, and Sam “nicked a Tom Petty tune for
my biggest hit and then tried to deny it” Smith for another. Guy Garvey
delivers his line with customary style though. (But… you see… this is where the
“personal preference” thing starts to bog us down.) I’m not quite sure how Seal
and Sinéad ended up with this lot – presumably they were just walking past the
studio and Bono dragged them in. Yes, the Irish Pope’s here again, although he
changes his infamous line on this version…
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you
Oh my God, that's even worse. The idea of Bono reaching out and touching me... I feel like I need to bathe in Domestos for a week.
Last year was the 40th anniversary of Band Aid,
but thankfully we were spared another retread… although looking at the biggest
names in British pop at this moment (according to the interweb), I’m pretty
sure we’d just have been made to endure Ed Sheeran* and Coldplay again… perhaps
with added Dua Lipa and Olivia Dean. Maybe Adele, if she wasn’t too busy in
Vegas. Instead, we got this…
Band
Aid 40 - Do They Know It’s Christmas?
…in which they dug up dragged Trevor Horn out of
retirement to mix an “Ultimate Version” of the perennial “Christmas favourite”
which featured the “best bits” of all the Band Aids (but nothing from Band Aid
II – make of that what you will), including a truly horrific moment when all
three Bonos are singing together (original lyrics!) like some multiversal
nightmare. To be fair to him, looking at all three Bonos together like that…
why, he hasn’t changed a bit in 40 years. Yes, he’s still a c___.
Fascinating Aida - Try Not To Be A C___ At Christmas
I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.
*Interesting interjection regarding Ed Sheeran – apparently
he wasn’t happy about his vocals being re-used on the 2014 version because, “a
decade on, my understanding of the narrative associated with this has changed”.
Sheeran cited Ghanaian-English songwriter Fuse ODG as being the one who changed
his mind. Fuse had already turned down the opportunity to take part in the 2004
version because:
"…I recognised the harm initiatives like it inflict on
Africa. While they may generate sympathy and donations, they perpetuate
damaging stereotypes that stifle Africa's economic growth, tourism, and
investment, ultimately costing the continent trillions and destroying its
dignity, pride and identity."
See, I didn’t want this post to be purely about making fun
of Bono. There had to be some serious opinions in here too. That said, I won’t
waste your time with any of the other versions…
Glee
Cast – Do They Know It’s Christmas?
Band
Aid Liverpool - Do They Know Its Christmas?
Keith
Lemon & Co. – Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Locked Down Version)
LadBaby – Do They Kn… no, I can’t even bring myself to link
to that one
…because I’ve already interrupted Martin far too much today.
Please, Martin, continue. The floor is yours…
So we're just considering the original source material,
Saint Bob et al's 1984 worthiness. Why might it be problematic? I guess there's
more than a touch of white saviour complex to a repeated desire to feed the
world, and in the 40+ years since, numerous African politicos have voiced the
opinion that other sentiments ("It's a world of dread and fear" and
"Where nothing ever grows") have been frankly unhelpful in
characterising a continent. Earlier this month, even Saint Bob declared that he
was both bored and done with Band Aid.
I did go read that interview, for research, and I’m not sure
he quite meant it in the way it was presented in the press. “…I get bored so
easily. In this case that’s mitigated by the effect Band Aid’s still having –
it’s keeping millions of people going – and by the rage I feel when I see
injustice. But, being very honest, often this shit bores me.” Hardly sounds
like he’s washing his hands of it completely.
So it seems like a good time to nix the song, right? But,
but, but... it can't be cancelled. Quite apart from the step change it made in
how people and their entertainers responded to charity, it's a Christmas single
that is every bit as engrained as Slade, Wizzard and Wham. This song is a part
of our generation's Christmas, as much as tinsel and pigs in blankets. And it's
a snapshot of our youth - we can all still remember who sang which lines, can't
we? Most importantly though, it's a song that did, and continues to do, more
good than any subsequent perceived harm - its ledger is very much in the black,
ironic though that might be for a bunch of white saviours....
Ah, well, that’s more like it. I always like to see a
diversity of opinion from the Committee members, and Martin is the first to
find anything really good to say about Band Aid.
But guess who’s coming along to back him up? Only our correspondent
from a land where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow… Take it away,
George!
Band Aid: I lived through that period of the initial release
of the song as a young and immature adult, sneering at the mundane music and
has-been pop stars, and I suspect many of your readers adopted a similar pose.
But for a single record to raise so much money, and help publicise such an
appalling situation is quite remarkable, and to complain about the well-meant
lyric is beyond churlishness. So I am firmly against cancelling.
To follow George, how about someone who rarely comes down on
the same side of the fence as him? Ernie? Are you ready to throw your arms
around George the world this Christmastime?
Band Aid - as long as all the money raised is still going to
good causes, I can put up with the patronising drivel (and even B*n*) because
we are the ones who make a brighter day.
You do know that’s a lyric from We Are The World, don’t you,
Ernie? I mean, don’t even start us on that one…
USA
For Africa – We Are The World
Going back to Saint Bob (who also co-wrote the above
“classic”), he did apparently admit to an Australian newspaper that he was
"responsible for two of the worst songs in history"… so fair play to
him for that at least.
What about Charity Chic? Surely he’ll be supportive of a
charidee record? I mean, it’s in his name!
Band Aid?
Patronising and pandered to a large number of egos…
But it did raise millions for starving children, therefore
it should not be banned even if a number of celebs got a freebie visit to
Africa with loads of free publicity.
I’m sure there was an old joke about sending Bono to Africa
– weren’t those people suffering enough? Well tonight, thank God it’s them
instead of YOU. Yada yada yada.
The Arrogant Worms - Christmas Sucks
Over to Germany now, where I’m presuming Band Aid was also a
hit (iffypedia doesn’t have the full details, other than to say it was their 17th
best-selling single of 1985)… and in 2014, there was even a
German version, led by the lead singer of Die Toten Hosen…
Band
Aid 30 Germany - Do They Know It's Christmas?
No Bono in that, so it’s already a step up. Anyway, here’s
Walter…
I must admit that I didn't like the song at the time. It was
too melodramatic for my taste. Especially when I watched the video, in which
every singer tries to pour their deepest feelings into the song (except for
Phil Collins, who does what he does best in the video—play the drums).
Ultimately, this song is about a fundraising appeal, as has been organized
every Christmas season for decades. It is well known that this time, the
trigger was a BBC documentary, which, to my knowledge, was the first to report on
the famine in Ethiopia that claimed the lives of almost half a million people.
So far, so good. Civil war and famine are a thing of the past, and Ethiopia has
become one of the most prosperous countries in Africa.
I did have to fact check that one, Walter. Not to contradict
you, but just for my own knowledge. According to The World Bank…
With about 132.1 million people (2024), Ethiopia is the
second most populous nation in Africa after Nigeria, and one of the
fastest-growing economies in the region, with an estimated 8.1% growth in
FY2023/24. However, it also remains one of the poorest, with a per capita gross
national income of $1,020.
I guess they’re doing better than they were, at least.
When activists now come along and associate this song with
colonialism and white arrogance that has no respect for African culture, I no
longer understand the world. Obviously, you can find something negative and
reprehensible in every good thought and intention.
I’m afraid that’s the world outside our window, Walter –it’s
a world of dread and fear.
Spinal Tap - Christmas With The Devil
Now here’s another clanging chime of doom, straight from
Glasgow to our hearts, it’s the Vinyl Villain himself. Band Aid, JC?
With a very small number of exceptions such as Christmas
Bubblegum Machine by the Sultans of Ping (which gets a pass cos it mentions
Glasgow in the lyrics), I don’t have any
time for any sort of novelty records, be they festive themed, comedy related or
released with the aim of raising funds for one cause or another. Band Aid ticks all three boxes – the middle
one as the lyrics are unintentionally funny while I’ll never stop laughing at
the bit in the video where Bono goes all sanctimonious on us.
I’m jealous that you can still laugh.
I’m therefore not going to waste too much time and energy on
this one. I hate the song and could
easily live without hearing it again while I’m out chasing last minute presents
(which I’ll continue to do as I hate Amazon even more than festive themed
records).
Bah humbug.
Sultans
of Ping FC - Christmas Bubblegum Machine
Personally, I hate real shops even more than online
conglomerates. Jeff Bezos wins by pandering to my misanthropy. Which brings us
back to The Manchester Grinch, Swiss Adam. I’ve a feeling he won’t have
anything nice to say about Band Aid either…
Band Aid - a meritless dirge with more plain stupid lines
than most songs have - 'tonight thank God it’s them instead of you', for one,
not to mention asking a mainly Muslim country if they know it’s Christmas at
all. It's just fucking rubbish. I know, charity etc. Still rubbish.
I watched the documentary about the making of it, and it was
entertaining, enlightening even. But it doesn't justify this dreadful song.
Cancel it.
Was Bono in the documentary? (Silly question, I know.) If
someone can edit a version without him in it, I’ll give it a watch.
Kate Nash – I Hate You This Christmas
Which brings us to our final contributor today, SWC from NoBadger Required. And in the interest of equity, I thought it only fair to ask the opinion of a life-long fan of the band U2 and its deific lead singer…
Cancel Band Aid!
This is my third attempt at writing this, the first turned
into a 1000 word rant against Bono and whilst that is never necessarily a bad
thing, most of those 1000 words were me just calling him a gobshite. The second one, was really quite similar, but
with less use of the word gobshite and more use of the word “trumpet”.
OK, I lied. (And yes, I did ask SWC to supply me with his
original drafts, purely for my own enjoyment, but he didn’t comply.) Carry on,
SWC…
Anyway, we should definitely cancel ‘Band Aid’. A song which meant to do good (and probably
did some good) but one that took a heavy dose of salt and rubbed it casually
into the wounds of about two million starving people (or however many people it
was).
I mean, we could just take a look at those involved to know:
a who’s who of the great and good of 80s music who (possibly, allegedly) could
have solved a large amount of the poverty and famine by donating half of what
they all spent on cocaine and that would tell us everything.
But to be fair, we only have to look at the lyrics and then
we realise that the blame for this falls in the hands of Midge Ure and Sir Bob
of Geldof.
Example One:
Where the only water flowing,
Is the bitter sting of tears
– Sung by Tony Hadley and Sting.
Seriously… I mean what the actually fuck? I get that people are starving I can see
that, I too want to push that fly away from the eyes of that child, but enough
with the emotional blackmail guys. It
gets worse, because here comes Bono...
And the Christmas bells that ring,
There are the clanging chimes of doom
– Sung by Sting and Bono
The clanging chimes of doom.
Well, thanks for that. There are
children dying out there and it’s a humanitarian disaster and we get the point,
Midge, we really do, but the clanging chimes of doom? Really?
Actually, I’m not sure even the added presence of Bono can make this any
worse…
Well, tonight thank God it's them, instead of you
Oh. He can.
Just remember, SWC, if you don't like that line, you can always substitute it for the one where Bono reaches out and touches you...
Let’s just dissect that line shall we – well,
tonight, thank, God, its, them, instead, of, you. It’s the ‘them’ that rankles here. I mean serious, Bono, was there not at least
one point when you were in the studio eating canapes with Paul Young when you
didn’t turn around and look at Bob and say “Bob, that line about ‘them’, you
sure about that..?”
Do you know what, SWC…? Loathe as I am to do this, I’m going
to jump in here in Bono’s "defence".
What!?
I know, I know. But in the course of compiling this post,
I’ve read a lot of articles about this song, and I found a couple of different
sources where… erm… it appears Bono claims he didn’t like the lyrics himself.
I’m going to quote from his bestselling book Surrender: 40
Songs One Story, which of course I bought in hardback as soon as it came out. I
mean, I didn’t just dig up the quote from American
Songwriter…
“I had to sing the most troubling line of the whole tune,
‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’. When Bob handed me the lyric, I
said, ‘I’ll sing any line but this one.’ Maybe it’s that thought that got me
here.”
“I told him I didn’t want to sing the line. He said, ‘This
is not about what you want, OK? This is about what these people need.’ I was
too young to say, ‘This is about what you want.’ But it was his show,
and I was happy to be in it. I knew it needed some force, the line. I kind of
did an impersonation of Bruce Springsteen, that was really what was in my
mind.”
Now the cynic in me wants to think that writing this in
2021, Bono was trying to seize control of the narrative after years of
criticism – to shift the blame back onto Bob and away from his exalted self.
Shall we give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean, it is
Christmas… and as to Bob and Midge, the two men in charge of the song’s lyrical
content? Well, we’ve already heard from the one who wants you to give them your
fooking money… so how about a word from the small biting insect?
“The song didn’t matter: the song was secondary, almost
irrelevant.”
That’s from Jim Ure’s autobiography, which has pride of
place on my bookshelf beside 40 Songs.
Back to SWC for one final word…
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
- sung by various people
Now, apart from being geographically stupid, what with
Ethiopia being pretty close to the Equator and there being virtually zero
chance of there ever being snow in Africa at Christmas Time, it’s the second
bit “The Greatest Gift they’ll get this year is life”, that irritates me the
most. I might be wrong, but I’m fairly
sure that if you sat down the parents of a starving child and put two things in
front of them – on the left a new video player and hi-fi stacking system and on
the right – well survival from war, poverty, famine, or generally speaking
‘life’. I’m relatively confident that if
they really thought about it, they would, as Wham, once told via a T-shirt: Choose Life.
I think that’s a pretty good note to end this festive edition on... maybe even a good note to end the series on? I don't know. Let's wait till the New Year and see if I still feel the urge to torpedo any more dodgy old songs... stand by your inboxes just in case.
I thought I’d end with a positive note about Do They Know It’s Christmas? Here’s why I wouldn’t want to see it cancelled: if it was, I’d never get to listen to the Richard Cheese version again. And Christmas would be so much poorer without that…
