Cancel Christmas Club #2: Do They Know...?

It's Christmastime.

There's no need to be afraid.

Yes, it’s time to let in light and banish shade as the Cancel Culture Club celebrates Christmas in the best way possible… by giving Bono a kicking.

Now, yes, I know Bono wasn’t the instigator of Band Aid – that was Bob and Midge. But I’ve got nothing particularly against Bob or Midge, so I’m going to credit them with all the good things that can be said about Do They Know It’s Christmas? while I happily let Bono take the flack for everything else. In doing so, I hope to set the record straight / rewrite history in staggeringly Trumpian fashion, because in our world of plenty, I like to spread a smile of joy at Christmastime.

Everclear - I Will Be Hating You For Christmas

But it’s not all about me, me, me, is it, Bono? There were other people in Band Aid, you know. Just as there are other people in the Cancel Culture Club Committee. So let’s hear from them…

Surely we shouldn’t cancel Band Aid? Let’s start by asking C, shall we? She can usually find the best in everybody…

'Do They Know It's Christmas?' Oh gawd.  For me, it's not so much what's wrong with it, but what could possibly even be right with it?  I can't find a single thing for the latter.  Oh, I suppose it had good intentions, but Christ (sorry, and on your birthday too, Mr Jesus) what a tasteless, patronising, mawkish, embarrassing, dumbed-down, nauseating load of absolute drivel of a way to... to "raise awareness"?  On the above grounds, I would most definitely consign it to the landfill of eternal doom along with all the non-biodegradable crap festive debris, never to be played again. 

“The landfill of eternal doom”… ah, C, poetic even in opprobrium.

Sparks – Thank God It’s Not Christmas

What about the wonderful John Medd? Surely he’s got something nice to say?

Do they know...?

A very tired song now. Geldof has consented to so many lyrical changes over the years that it barely represents the original. Put it out to pasture; it's done its job now. It's a crying shame the musical cognoscenti didn't wrap their arms around Gaza with such gusto.

Ooh: little bit of politics. When I first read John’s comment, I thought he was suggesting a charity record in aid of Paul Gascoigne, such is my ignorance of world affairs, and I did wonder what poor old Gazza was crying about now.

Eric Idle - F**K Christmas

But say a prayer… here comes Martin!

Do They Know It's Christmas? is an interesting one. I know we're not allowed to cancel on the grounds of quality or personal preference…

Actually, I think this series has categorically proven that it’s impossible to make a decision on cancellation without being biased by personal preference. And maybe that’s why it’s time to bring it to an end, worthy experiment though it was. There’s enough negativity out there, and I always wanted this blog to be a place to celebrate good music, not slag off the things I don’t like (Bono excepted, of course). Oh, sorry, Martin… I interrupted you mid-sentence…

…but for clarity let's start by binning all the anniversary re-treads since, to which the law of diminishing returns most certainly applies. I'm looking at you, Band Aid 20 and Band Aid 30. They're gone because they're crap and no-one cares about them.

OK, let’s take a pause to consider this. I have to admit, until Martin brought them to my attention, I was blissfully unaware of every Band Aid sequel apart from this one…

Band Aid II – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Now back in 1989, I had no time for it at all. I mean, it was produced by Stock, Aitken & Waterman, for god’s sake. So that explains why Kylie, Jason and Sonia (!) were up front. And Cliff’s on there, of course. And Marti Pellow’s huge, shit-eating Joker-grin. And bloody Bros! With star names like Glen Goldsmith, Big Fun, D Mob and and the jam-pumping Technotronic (incorrectly listed as "Technotronics" on the record sleeve). A gleeful reminder of why the late 80s really was the nadir of pop music.

But wait, looking back now, I also feel a twinge of nostalgia in the same way my Mum’s generation might get dewy-eyed about air raid sirens and gas masks. Look – there’s Jimmy Sommerville. Lisa Stansfield. Bananarama! Maybe 1989 wasn’t so bad after all… at least there’s no Bono. That in itself should surely grant Band Aid II a stay of execution. Especially when compared to…

Band Aid 20 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Looking at the list of contributors, I figured I might like this a lot more than I did. Apparently Neil Hannon’s on there (somewhere?) and Thom Yorke’s playing the piano. But you wouldn’t notice, because all I got from the video was Chris Martin, Dido, Robbie Williams and that bloke from Keane who looks like a young David Cameron. I quite enjoyed Dizzee Rascal’s bit, but the true horror was reserved for… the return of Bono. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, etc. Oh, and there’s a really cringey bit where a haggard (not faggot - see previous edition) Saint Bob makes all the early noughties pop sensations stand around in the studio watching old Ethiopian snuff movies with a tear in their eye, presumably just before Damon Albarn brings them a nice cuppa. (I credit Damon with that because iffypedia has him down as ‘Tea Boy’ – but that could well be someone taking the piss.)

We will get back to Martin’s thoughts in a moment, but as he started me down this particular rabbit hole...

Band Aid 30 – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Strangely I feel more ignorant about the pop music of 10 years ago than I do about the pop music of today. Thanks to Sam, I am at least aware of the bigger names in pop right now (and some of them I’ve even taken a shine to), but One Direction, Rita Ora and Olly Murs are names I recognise without any context at all. That’s not to say there aren’t people in this mob who get royally on my tits – Ed Sheeran for one, and Sam “nicked a Tom Petty tune for my biggest hit and then tried to deny it” Smith for another. Guy Garvey delivers his line with customary style though. (But… you see… this is where the “personal preference” thing starts to bog us down.) I’m not quite sure how Seal and Sinéad ended up with this lot – presumably they were just walking past the studio and Bono dragged them in. Yes, the Irish Pope’s here again, although he changes his infamous line on this version… 

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight we’re reaching out and touching you

Oh my God, that's even worse. The idea of Bono reaching out and touching me... I feel like I need to bathe in Domestos for a week.

Last year was the 40^th anniversary of Band Aid, but thankfully we were spared another retread… although looking at the biggest names in British pop at this moment (according to the interweb), I’m pretty sure we’d just have been made to endure Ed Sheeran* and Coldplay again… perhaps with added Dua Lipa and Olivia Dean. Maybe Adele, if she wasn’t too busy in Vegas. Instead, we got this…

Band Aid 40 - Do They Know It’s Christmas?

…in which they dug up dragged Trevor Horn out of retirement to mix an “Ultimate Version” of the perennial “Christmas favourite” which featured the “best bits” of all the Band Aids (but nothing from Band Aid II – make of that what you will), including a truly horrific moment when all three Bonos are singing together (original lyrics!) like some multiversal nightmare. To be fair to him, looking at all three Bonos together like that… why, he hasn’t changed a bit in 40 years. Yes, he’s still a c___.

Fascinating Aida - Try Not To Be A C___ At Christmas

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist.

*Interesting interjection regarding Ed Sheeran – apparently he wasn’t happy about his vocals being re-used on the 2014 version because, “a decade on, my understanding of the narrative associated with this has changed”. Sheeran cited Ghanaian-English songwriter Fuse ODG as being the one who changed his mind. Fuse had already turned down the opportunity to take part in the 2004 version because:

"…I recognised the harm initiatives like it inflict on Africa. While they may generate sympathy and donations, they perpetuate damaging stereotypes that stifle Africa's economic growth, tourism, and investment, ultimately costing the continent trillions and destroying its dignity, pride and identity."

See, I didn’t want this post to be purely about making fun of Bono. There had to be some serious opinions in here too. That said, I won’t waste your time with any of the other versions…

Glee Cast – Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Band Aid Liverpool - Do They Know Its Christmas?

Keith Lemon & Co. – Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Locked Down Version)

LadBaby – Do They Kn… no, I can’t even bring myself to link to that one

…because I’ve already interrupted Martin far too much today. Please, Martin, continue. The floor is yours…

So we're just considering the original source material, Saint Bob et al's 1984 worthiness. Why might it be problematic? I guess there's more than a touch of white saviour complex to a repeated desire to feed the world, and in the 40+ years since, numerous African politicos have voiced the opinion that other sentiments ("It's a world of dread and fear" and "Where nothing ever grows") have been frankly unhelpful in characterising a continent. Earlier this month, even Saint Bob declared that he was both bored and done with Band Aid.

I did go read that interview, for research, and I’m not sure he quite meant it in the way it was presented in the press. “…I get bored so easily. In this case that’s mitigated by the effect Band Aid’s still having – it’s keeping millions of people going – and by the rage I feel when I see injustice. But, being very honest, often this shit bores me.” Hardly sounds like he’s washing his hands of it completely.

So it seems like a good time to nix the song, right? But, but, but... it can't be cancelled. Quite apart from the step change it made in how people and their entertainers responded to charity, it's a Christmas single that is every bit as engrained as Slade, Wizzard and Wham. This song is a part of our generation's Christmas, as much as tinsel and pigs in blankets. And it's a snapshot of our youth - we can all still remember who sang which lines, can't we? Most importantly though, it's a song that did, and continues to do, more good than any subsequent perceived harm - its ledger is very much in the black, ironic though that might be for a bunch of white saviours....

Ah, well, that’s more like it. I always like to see a diversity of opinion from the Committee members, and Martin is the first to find anything really good to say about Band Aid.

Corey Taylor - X-M@$

But guess who’s coming along to back him up? Only our correspondent from a land where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow… Take it away, George!

Band Aid: I lived through that period of the initial release of the song as a young and immature adult, sneering at the mundane music and has-been pop stars, and I suspect many of your readers adopted a similar pose. But for a single record to raise so much money, and help publicise such an appalling situation is quite remarkable, and to complain about the well-meant lyric is beyond churlishness. So I am firmly against cancelling.

To follow George, how about someone who rarely comes down on the same side of the fence as him? Ernie? Are you ready to throw your arms around George the world this Christmastime?

Band Aid - as long as all the money raised is still going to good causes, I can put up with the patronising drivel (and even B*n*) because we are the ones who make a brighter day.

You do know that’s a lyric from We Are The World, don’t you, Ernie? I mean, don’t even start us on that one…

USA For Africa – We Are The World

Going back to Saint Bob (who also co-wrote the above “classic”), he did apparently admit to an Australian newspaper that he was "responsible for two of the worst songs in history"… so fair play to him for that at least.

What about Charity Chic? Surely he’ll be supportive of a charidee record? I mean, it’s in his name!

Band Aid?

Patronising and pandered to a large number of egos…

But it did raise millions for starving children, therefore it should not be banned even if a number of celebs got a freebie visit to Africa with loads of free publicity.

I’m sure there was an old joke about sending Bono to Africa – weren’t those people suffering enough? Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of YOU. Yada yada yada.

The Arrogant Worms - Christmas Sucks

Over to Germany now, where I’m presuming Band Aid was also a hit (iffypedia doesn’t have the full details, other than to say it was their 17^th best-selling single of 1985)… and in 2014, there was even a German version, led by the lead singer of Die Toten Hosen…

Band Aid 30 Germany - Do They Know It's Christmas?

No Bono in that, so it’s already a step up. Anyway, here’s Walter…

I must admit that I didn't like the song at the time. It was too melodramatic for my taste. Especially when I watched the video, in which every singer tries to pour their deepest feelings into the song (except for Phil Collins, who does what he does best in the video—play the drums). Ultimately, this song is about a fundraising appeal, as has been organized every Christmas season for decades. It is well known that this time, the trigger was a BBC documentary, which, to my knowledge, was the first to report on the famine in Ethiopia that claimed the lives of almost half a million people. So far, so good. Civil war and famine are a thing of the past, and Ethiopia has become one of the most prosperous countries in Africa.

I did have to fact check that one, Walter. Not to contradict you, but just for my own knowledge. According to The World Bank…

With about 132.1 million people (2024), Ethiopia is the second most populous nation in Africa after Nigeria, and one of the fastest-growing economies in the region, with an estimated 8.1% growth in FY2023/24. However, it also remains one of the poorest, with a per capita gross national income of $1,020.

I guess they’re doing better than they were, at least.

When activists now come along and associate this song with colonialism and white arrogance that has no respect for African culture, I no longer understand the world. Obviously, you can find something negative and reprehensible in every good thought and intention.

I’m afraid that’s the world outside our window, Walter –it’s a world of dread and fear.

Spinal Tap - Christmas With The Devil

Now here’s another clanging chime of doom, straight from Glasgow to our hearts, it’s the Vinyl Villain himself. Band Aid, JC?

With a very small number of exceptions such as Christmas Bubblegum Machine by the Sultans of Ping (which gets a pass cos it mentions Glasgow in the lyrics),  I don’t have any time for any sort of novelty records, be they festive themed, comedy related or released with the aim of raising funds for one cause or another.  Band Aid ticks all three boxes – the middle one as the lyrics are unintentionally funny while I’ll never stop laughing at the bit in the video where Bono goes all sanctimonious on us.

I’m jealous that you can still laugh.

I’m therefore not going to waste too much time and energy on this one.  I hate the song and could easily live without hearing it again while I’m out chasing last minute presents (which I’ll continue to do as I hate Amazon even more than festive themed records).

Bah humbug.

Sultans of Ping FC - Christmas Bubblegum Machine

Personally, I hate real shops even more than online conglomerates. Jeff Bezos wins by pandering to my misanthropy. Which brings us back to The Manchester Grinch, Swiss Adam. I’ve a feeling he won’t have anything nice to say about Band Aid either…

Band Aid - a meritless dirge with more plain stupid lines than most songs have - 'tonight thank God it’s them instead of you', for one, not to mention asking a mainly Muslim country if they know it’s Christmas at all. It's just fucking rubbish. I know, charity etc. Still rubbish.

I watched the documentary about the making of it, and it was entertaining, enlightening even. But it doesn't justify this dreadful song. Cancel it.

Was Bono in the documentary? (Silly question, I know.) If someone can edit a version without him in it, I’ll give it a watch.

Kate Nash – I Hate You This Christmas

Which brings us to our final contributor today, SWC from NoBadger Required. And in the interest of equity, I thought it only fair to ask the opinion of a life-long fan of the band U2 and its deific lead singer…

Cancel Band Aid!

This is my third attempt at writing this, the first turned into a 1000 word rant against Bono and whilst that is never necessarily a bad thing, most of those 1000 words were me just calling him a gobshite.  The second one, was really quite similar, but with less use of the word gobshite and more use of the word “trumpet”. 

OK, I lied. (And yes, I did ask SWC to supply me with his original drafts, purely for my own enjoyment, but he didn’t comply.) Carry on, SWC…

Anyway, we should definitely cancel ‘Band Aid’.  A song which meant to do good (and probably did some good) but one that took a heavy dose of salt and rubbed it casually into the wounds of about two million starving people (or however many people it was).

I mean, we could just take a look at those involved to know: a who’s who of the great and good of 80s music who (possibly, allegedly) could have solved a large amount of the poverty and famine by donating half of what they all spent on cocaine and that would tell us everything. 

But to be fair, we only have to look at the lyrics and then we realise that the blame for this falls in the hands of Midge Ure and Sir Bob of Geldof.

Example One:

Where the only water flowing,
Is the bitter sting of tears
– Sung by Tony Hadley and Sting.

Seriously… I mean what the actually fuck?  I get that people are starving I can see that, I too want to push that fly away from the eyes of that child, but enough with the emotional blackmail guys.  It gets worse, because here comes Bono...

And the Christmas bells that ring,
There are the clanging chimes of doom
– Sung by Sting and Bono

The clanging chimes of doom.  Well, thanks for that.  There are children dying out there and it’s a humanitarian disaster and we get the point, Midge, we really do, but the clanging chimes of doom?  Really?  Actually, I’m not sure even the added presence of Bono can make this any worse…

Well, tonight thank God it's them, instead of you

Oh.  He can.  

Just remember, SWC, if you don't like that line, you can always substitute it for the one where Bono reaches out and touches you...

Let’s just dissect that line shall we – well, tonight, thank, God, its, them, instead, of, you.  It’s the ‘them’ that rankles here.  I mean serious, Bono, was there not at least one point when you were in the studio eating canapes with Paul Young when you didn’t turn around and look at Bob and say “Bob, that line about ‘them’, you sure about that..?”

Do you know what, SWC…? Loathe as I am to do this, I’m going to jump in here in Bono’s "defence".

What!?

I know, I know. But in the course of compiling this post, I’ve read a lot of articles about this song, and I found a couple of different sources where… erm… it appears Bono claims he didn’t like the lyrics himself.

I’m going to quote from his bestselling book Surrender: 40 Songs One Story, which of course I bought in hardback as soon as it came out. I mean, I didn’t just dig up the quote from American Songwriter…

“I had to sing the most troubling line of the whole tune, ‘Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you’. When Bob handed me the lyric, I said, ‘I’ll sing any line but this one.’ Maybe it’s that thought that got me here.”

“I told him I didn’t want to sing the line. He said, ‘This is not about what you want, OK? This is about what these people need.’ I was too young to say, ‘This is about what you want.’ But it was his show, and I was happy to be in it. I knew it needed some force, the line. I kind of did an impersonation of Bruce Springsteen, that was really what was in my mind.”

Now the cynic in me wants to think that writing this in 2021, Bono was trying to seize control of the narrative after years of criticism – to shift the blame back onto Bob and away from his exalted self.

Shall we give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean, it is Christmas… and as to Bob and Midge, the two men in charge of the song’s lyrical content? Well, we’ve already heard from the one who wants you to give them your fooking money… so how about a word from the small biting insect?

“The song didn’t matter: the song was secondary, almost irrelevant.”

That’s from Jim Ure’s autobiography, which has pride of place on my bookshelf beside 40 Songs.

Back to SWC for one final word…

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life 
- sung by various people

Now, apart from being geographically stupid, what with Ethiopia being pretty close to the Equator and there being virtually zero chance of there ever being snow in Africa at Christmas Time, it’s the second bit “The Greatest Gift they’ll get this year is life”, that irritates me the most.  I might be wrong, but I’m fairly sure that if you sat down the parents of a starving child and put two things in front of them – on the left a new video player and hi-fi stacking system and on the right – well survival from war, poverty, famine, or generally speaking ‘life’.  I’m relatively confident that if they really thought about it, they would, as Wham, once told via a T-shirt:  Choose Life. 

I think that’s a pretty good note to end this festive edition on... maybe even a good note to end the series on? I don't know. Let's wait till the New Year and see if I still feel the urge to torpedo any more dodgy old songs... stand by your inboxes just in case. 

I thought I’d end with a positive note about Do They Know It’s Christmas? Here’s why I wouldn’t want to see it cancelled: if it was, I’d never get to listen to the Richard Cheese version again. And Christmas would be so much poorer without that…

Self Help For Cynics #35: People Ain't No Good

Lloyd Cole - People Ain't No Good

Last week, we talked about hating people, and I came to the conclusion that I didn't really hate people, but actually it's "all just an act to paper over insecurity, a tragic lack of self-confidence and a Grand Canyon of loneliness in perpetual conflict with an innate desire to be on my own".

Felt - All the People I Like Are Those That Are Dead

Just as I thought I'd talked myself out of misanthropy, C replied...

You're in good company Rol, I think nearly all the best people I know are people-haters, which doesn't really make a lot of sense and yet somehow it does!

Richard Cheese - People = Shit

And then I remembered the postcard at the top of this page, which Louise bought me some time ago; it's pinned on the wall next to my desk. You may find it interesting to note that Louise ordered two copies. There's also one pinned up on the wall next to her desk. Make of that what you will...

I can't understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand

Depeche Mode - People Are People

The jury's still out on hating people then, but here's something I thing we can all agree on: people are very, very annoying.

James - Born Of Frustration

But why is this so?

"They just are!" I heard you cry.

Napoleon - I Try To Despise The Ugly People (But The Beautiful Ones Keep Turning Me Down)

OK, let's start with an easier question. Why does our brain get annoyed?

To answer that, we need an MC...

Ring the bell, school's back in!

MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This

Not that MC. Here's MC Flux, psychologist, neuroscientist and science communicator from the University of Colorado, as quoted in the Grauniad. He says annoyance is “moderately negative, and moderate arousal... it’s basically a flag, saying: ‘Something is wrong, and I should probably do something about it.’”

Green Day - Warning

Now, I'm tiptoeing around this subject because I don't want to get onto anger until I've read sweary Dr. Faith's next book on my reading list, Unfuck Your Anger. And clearly anger is the next step on from annoyance. However, it should come as no surprise that our old friend the amygdala is the main culprit responsible for such emotions. Healthline says,

Anger starts with the amygdala stimulating the hypothalamus, much like in the fear response. In addition, parts of the prefrontal cortex may also play a role in anger.

Frustration, such as facing roadblocks while trying to achieve a goal, can also trigger the anger response.

Now we know what's going on in our brain... but we've still not answered the big question: why are people so annoying? Or should that be: why do I find people so annoying? Are they the same question... or two very different questions?

The Doors - People Are Strange

That Guardian article I mentioned earlier highlights four key answers to the first question: "uncouth habits, inconsiderate acts, intrusive behaviors and norm violations". I think a lot of these come down to what I'd label a lack of empathy, emotional awareness... or just plain arrogance. And once we get onto the subject of arrogance, I need another post. Or ten.

Dean Wareham - Heartless People

Meanwhile, therapist Julia Kristina has an uncomfortable answer to the second question...

Those unfavourable qualities, habits, or tendencies of someone else we react negatively to are really just our own shortcomings that we have turned our back on and refuse to own up to.

They always clap on the wrong beat
They're wearin' loafers on their feet
Greedy awful people!

The Stooges - Greedy Awful People

Ouch. I think I'm going to have to come back to that one as well. But just in case anyone here thinks of me as an annoying person, I consulted Indeed for some tips on how to eliminate my own annoying behaviour...

Be an active listener

This is actually really easy if you don't have much to say for yourself.

The Ramones - Learn To Listen

Focus on the positives

Easier said than done, as discussed some time ago.

Sam Cooke - Ac-cent-tchu-ate The Positive 

Speak at a normal volume

Louise does sometimes get embarrassed when we're out in public (not often, to be honest) as she claims I speak louder than I need to. I don't think I do, but then I am partially deaf...

OMD - Talking Loud And Clear

Avoid interrupting others

Science For People butts in a this point...

Many annoying people don’t even realize they’re being annoying in the first place. Annoying people might violate various social norms, be incompatible with others, try too hard to make others laugh, or even take a phone call while in a quiet library.

Did you know that you could even be the “irritating person” because you’re too positive?

Oh, yes. I knew this.

This type of positivity is known as toxic positivity—and it’s a real thing.

You don't need to tell me twice. There's a post in that as well. 

Georgie Fame - Bird In A World Of People

Clearly, I've only scratched the surface of our central question: Why are people so annoying? There's a lot more to uncover in future weeks...

Snapshots #190: A Top Ten Sick Songs

Perhaps not the nicest subject matter I've ever used to connect songs, but not a bad set of tunes.

When I think of sick, I think of our cats puking up furballs... any excuse for a cat camera pic!

Answers... sorry if they get a bit heavy this week!

10. Count Ferdinand was a heavy metal pioneer.

Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin, that would be.

Led Zeppelin - Sick Again

9. Welsh bays.

Cardigan Bay.

The Cardigans - Sick And Tired

8. The last ding dong. 

Ding Dong, Avon calling. The last time they call would presumably be Z-von.

Warren Zevon - Don't Let Us Get Sick

7. Found in a dirty, wet hive.

Mudhoney - Touch Me, I'm Sick

6. Montgomery, Huntsville, Mobile.

Three towns in Alabama.

The Alabama 3 - Too Sick To Pray

5. Thank Robbie for teeing off.

Take the T off thank and you get Hank, with Robbie Williams...

Hank Williams - Lovesick Blues

4. Bothered?

Disturbed - Down With The Sickness

If that's too loud for you, may I suggest this version instead...?

Richard Cheese - Down With The Sickness

3. Bee, birds, gopher.

It's an anagram!

Phoebe Bridgers - Motion Sickness

2. Disc knitters.

And another one!

Tindersticks - City Sickness

1. Guitar playing rabbit floats up and down.

Cue the first ever lyric video...

You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, but it'll blow more Snapshots your way next Saturday...

Top Ten Christmas Songs 2020

 

By the time December 25th rolls around, you're probably sick of hearing the same old Christmas songs played over and over again on the radio... maybe even Fairytale of New York. 

So here are ten alternatives to brighten your Christmas morning. Not that I'd usually expect anybody to be wasting their Christmas Day reading this nonsense, but maybe in Christmas lockdown you'll find the odd five minutes...

10. eagleowl - Let's Save Christmas (The Ballad of Nakatomi Plaza)

Is Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie? No, that's It's A Wonderful Life. Die Hard is just the second greatest Christmas movie. This, however, is indisputably the best Christmas song about Die Hard...

Yippee-kay-yay

Lets save Christmas day

9. Billy Idol - Yelling At The Christmas Tree

Just hilarious. I love Billy.

Daddy's down at the pub

Full of Christmas cheer

Probably won't come home till next year

8. The Handsome Family - Stupid Bells

Repent sinners!

This pagan holiday full of tree worship and fairy lights is an affront to Jehova!

The candy cane is Satan's walking stick!

Merry Christmas from the Handsome Family!

7. Richard Cheese - Jingle Bells (Singing Dogs Version)

Sam's favourite Christmas song. Listen and you'll see why.

6. GUMS - It's Christmas, I'm Sorry

Does the snow that falls on Leith

Also fall on Pollockshields?

There's a question for our Scottish friends to ponder on over Christmas...

5. Louis Armstrong - 'Zat You, Santa Claus?

Another of Sam's favourites. (And mine.)

4. Colin Clary - Meow Meow

Christmas wishes to all the kitties in the world - Colin brings you love, and lots of tuna juice.

3. The Futureheads - Christmas Was Better In The 80s

Well, obviously.

 Great song. Least festive video ever recorded.

2. Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler - (Don't Call Me) Mrs. Christmas

From one of the best Christmas albums of the 21st Century. Every track's a classic. 

1. The Black Arts - Christmas Number One

What do you get when you combine Black Box Recorder with Art Brut? A perfect recreation of the golden age of Christmas pop songs. A 70s glam stomper... with a sly postmodern cynicism.

We threw in some sleigh bells and some other festive stuff

A video with artificial snow, like the devil's own dandruff

 

HERE'S THE COMPLETE TOP TEN AS A FULL YOUTUBE PLAYLIST.

Happy Christmas, everyone. Let's make the most of it. Remember what Bruce keeps telling me, to get me through the year...

Someday we'll look back on this

And it will all seem funny...

Cover Me Christmas - Do They Know...?

No Hot 100 this week, I'm afraid. Firstly, I've been busy trying to compile my Top 19 Albums of 2019; secondly because I was in bed with a stomach bug all yesterday. Feeling heaps better today, but still taking it easy.

Here's another Christmas cover for those of you who are sick of the original version featuring Bono, Sting and Sir Thumbs Aloft... or the Band Aid II version featuring Bros and Sonia... or the 2004 version featuring Chris Martin, Bono and Robbie Williams (which I don't think I've ever heard)... or the 2014 version featuring Ed Sheeran, Rita Ora and Bono (which I definitely haven't ever heard). Wonder what Bono was doing in 1989?

Whenever I think of all those famous people stuck in a recording studio with Bono's ego, I always think: "Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you."

Anyway, this version always makes me smile... and it's only one minute 26 seconds long!

Randy Tuesdays #5: Not Actually A Member Of The Band

5. Randy Fitzsimmons

Randy Fitzsimmons is chief songwriter and manager for Swedish band The Hives, although he doesn't appear to actually play or perform with the band. As such, finding a photo of him was rather difficult. The internet claims that's him in the middle, with the glasses on, standing in between Iggy and Ringo. And, let's face it, if you get to stand in between Iggy and Ringo, with Jimmy Page close by, you've pretty much made it.

I like The Hives a lot whenever I listen to them. I don't listen to them a lot. Somehow, I manage to have accumulated four CDs by them, which I guess means they end up in charity shops a lot, since I've never bought one through more legitimate means. No surprise then, to see Charity Chic feature the band earlier on this month... although I was rather miffed when he selected my two favourite songs: Main Offender and Hate To Say I Told You So. Still, there's plenty more to go at, even though they do all start to sound the same after a while.

One thing I really like about The Hives is that they must be the most self-referential band in rock. I can find about half a dozen song titles wherein they directly reference themselves, and I only own a fraction of their output. These include: T.H.E. H.I.V.E.S.; The Hives Meet The Norm, The Hives Introduce The Metric System In Time, The Hives Declare Guerre Nucleair (which I'm guessing is French for the main aim of Donald Trump's presidency) and this... which is an instrumental. I don't often feature instrumentals here because, you know, I'm a lyrics kid. So whenever I do feature an instrumental, it has to be pretty cool...



Oh, and finally, I thought I'd throw in a link to lounge supremo Richard Cheese's cover of HateTo Say I Told You So because it's... niiiiice.

That's half my Randies done. Have I included your favourite yet?

My Top Ten Sick Songs

There's a new issue of Department of the Peculiar out - and you can buy it here.

To celebrate, here's ten songs about being sick... I know, how lovely!


10. Disturbed - Down With The Sickness

This is about as heavy as I get... and it's pretty light for Disturbed.

I have to confess though, I first encountered this song via the Richard Cheese cover version as featured in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead.

9. Fountains of Wayne - Sick Day

All about office romances that might happen one day...

Contains the pun: Lead us not into Penn Station. Which I like.

8. Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - Sick Tonight

In which Scroobius gets a sick-bag for a head...

I remember when I was a kid and that
Way before I found beards and caps
Pencils came with erasers that
Could erase your mistakes erase, retract
But in the real world things just ain’t that easy
You can’t take back your mistakes so freely
You gotta take them in think about them deeply
Not ignore them and just move on discreetly

7. Matchbox 20 - Unwell

Not a band I rave about, but I do love this song. I'm not crazy... just a little unwell.

6. The Indelicates - Ill

Their sex is a sickness...

Because you'll never take enough of those pills
You know you're too clever to be mentally ill
You'll never fashion your damaged soul
Because you're too clever to lose control

5. Saint Etienne - You're In A Bad Way

Burnt toast, cold coffee, nothing but Bruce Forsythe on the telly... luckily, we have Sarah Cracknell to make us feel better. 

4. The Smiths - Still Ill

Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?

I don't know... but I do know this song inspired one of my favourite Doom Patrol comics.

And, no, sorry, I can't make them Number One every time.

3. Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues

In which Bob invents the lyrics video thirty years before youtube.

See also Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien.


2. Alabama 3 - Too Sick To Pray

Any song that begins thus...

I'm in a lonely room
Hank Williams sings a lovesick blues
Winter's walking up the avenue
But I ain't seen the sunshine since the 6th o' June

...well, it doesn't matter how sick you feel: this'll make you feel better.

1. Tindersticks - City Sickness

One of their finest songs, with a video directed by Jarvis and Steve from Pulp.






So, they were my sick notes... which one makes you feel better?