Showing posts with label Police. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Police. Show all posts

Thursday, 9 July 2026

Cancel Culture Club #10: Dreadlock Holiday


And so we arrive at the final edition of the Cancel Culture Club, a worthy experiment, but one that has become more and more tiresome as time has gone on, because with a few worthy exceptions, I (and the majority of the committee) don't actually believe in Cancel Culture, even for the most offensive of old records. "Different times," as Mark Radcliffe often remarks, and we can probably leave it at that.

Still, it was fun while it lasted, and I've been impressed, humbled and immensely grateful to all the contributors for taking time out of their busy schedules to give me their opinions. You're all amazing, proof - and believe me, proof is needed on a daily basis - that it's not quite time to cancel the human race.

Our final tune then, comes as a special request from my "brother from the gutter", Ernie - although I did already have it on my longlist. Let's go back to 1978 when this Ode to the Gentleman's Game by Stockport's finest was at the top of the UK charts... 


I was going to say that we'll kick off today... but that's not an appropriate metaphor, is it? Instead then, here's Walter from A Few Good Times In My Life to make today's first delivery...

10cc had a real hit with this song. Criticism has been levelled at the song for using too many stereotypes of Caribbean people in the lyrics and for linking their dialect directly to crime. We all know that generalisations are inaccurate. However, I doubt that Mr Gouldman intended it that way. Should it be ‘cancelled’? No, because there are too many songs whose content can be misinterpreted if one so wishes.

I started with Walter because his comment pretty much sums up the general consensus regarding, if not this particular song, then certainly the series as a whole. There are indeed too many songs whose content can be misinterpreted if one so wishes, and we've only scraped the surface of them here. But all good things must come to an end.

The Police - Roxanne

From Germany then, we jump up to Scotland to hear from Alyson and her Jukebox Time Machine. So Alyson, Dreadlock Holiday... What's It All About?

I had a look at the lyrics to Dreadlock Holiday last night and although I didn’t think of it back in the day, they are not particularly complimentary about the Jamaicans the tourist met along the way. Also, a white band from the North-West of England singing a reggae song would just not happen today. 

Perhaps not, but it's amazing how many British bands jumped on the reggae bandwagon back in the day, isn't it? From the Police to The Clash... and if we were happy to let those guys do it, we can hardly chastise 10cc for the same cultural appropriation, can we?

The Clash - Bankrobber

Sorry, Alyson - please continue...

BUT, like nearly every song we’ve explored in this series, it was written when the thinking about such things was not as highly evolved, so I’m not particularly blaming Graham Gouldman for having done so. He himself admits he wouldn’t write that song today although at the time most of the lines in the song were taken from real-life conversations he and Eric Stewart had whilst on separate holidays to the Caribbean. So, like nearly every song we’ve looked at, I’m going to give it a pass. The world was a much smaller place back in 1978 with travel to far-flung places only for the well-heeled. Globalisation has meant we now know about people from all over the world and we no longer make jokes about their perceived idiosyncrasies - they are often real people we know in our day to day lives. We now just need to get the warmongers off the global stage and life would be far less scary.

Hear hear! Though I'm not sure we're any more evolved these days - we just have a greater awareness of cultural sensitives. Well, some of us do anyway. Although there is a strong contingent desperate to turn back the clock to times when it was "OK" to be racist or sexist or homophobic - perhaps the white male elite who feel threatened that their patriarchal grip might be slipping... 

Like with many of the other songs we’ve looked at, although I’m giving it a pass, I don’t really want to hear it on the radio anymore and I can’t say I have for a long time, so job done.

Jonathan Richman & the Modern Lovers - Egyptian Reggae

We'll stay in Scotland for our penultimate contribution today - and check out what The Vinyl Villain himself has to say about 10cc's Jamaican odyssey. What do you think, JC

One thing worth remembering is that 10cc were a highly-regarded musical act, critically as well as commercially, as can be see from the run of hit singles and albums they enjoyed in the early-mid 70s.

There was often a bit of the theatrical about them, with them trying to perhaps show themselves up as being better than their peers, and to be fair the sounds/music that came with the 1975 ballad ‘I’m Not In Love’ were quite unlike anything many of us had heard before

The splintering of the band in 1976 saw the more avant-garde and creative duo of Kevin Godley and Lol Creme go one way, leaving Eric Stewart and Graham Gouldman to keep the band name and lucrative record deal.

The hits did still come via ‘I’m Mandy Fly Me’ and ‘The Things We Do For Love’ and then in 1978, came ‘Dreadlock Holiday’.

It sold in huge numbers…..spending three months in the chart between mid-August and late November, and laying the foundation for the parent album ‘Bloody Tourists’ to hit #3.

But it came at the expense of the critics turning on the band.  And rightly so as Dreadlock Holiday is a stupidly cheesy piece of music, almost akin to a novelty record, with a lyric that was in some places cringey and toe-curling and in others horrific for stereotyping Jamaicans as having two loves in life – watching cricket and mugging white holidaymakers.

And let’s not forget that some of these lyrics were delivered in a faux-accent that nowadays would, rightly, be called out as racist behaviour.

It was, of course, a different time and I’d never dream of calling Stewart or Goldman racists – there was so much of that going on across ‘popular’ culture of all sorts, including some of our most watched television programmes.

Times, thankfully have moved on.  It’s best that we bury Dreadlock Holiday in a vault and do our best to forget it ever existed.  

The thing I like the most about JC's wonderfully considered response is the awareness of time, of effectively judging the song twice, once by the standards of the day, and once through more contemporary eye-glasses. We've had to do that a lot as this series progressed, and it's made me aware of how much the lens we view the world through changes. Not just society's lens, but our own individual lenses too. This may explain why we might now have friends who were radical lefties when they were young, but find themselves swerving towards Farage in later life. That swerve might be the result of a subconscious belief on their part that the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. Or it may be that we're all destined to become Daily Mail readers in our dotage. I do hope not.   

Paul Nicholas - Reggae Like It Used To Be

All of which brings us to today's final contributor, someone who I can't ever imagine turning to the dark side like that, even though he's sat out most of this series due to a "live and let live" liberalism which is most admirable. But when something does get his goat... watch out!

Andy Fairweather-Low - Reggae Tune

Take it away, Ernie from 27 Leggies...

I'll start by saying that as much as I dislike the record I wouldn't cancel it. It is easy enough to avoid these days. That said I do really, really dislike it.

My main problem isn't with the dodgy accents in the choruses. They are clearly a bad thing and hopefully wouldn't be repeated if heaven forbid the song was recorded today, but to an extent you can use the "it was of its time" argument that has appeared in earlier editions of the CCC.

My problem is the lyrics. To illustrate my point I will make a comparison with another well-known example of dodgy Caribbean accents from the 1970s - "Barbados" by Typically Tropical.

Typically Tropical - Barbados

Take away the dodgy accents from "Barbados" and what you have is a harmless song about a man in a dull job looking forward to his holiday. This perhaps comes through more clearly in the Vengaboys' classic remake...

The Vengaboys - We're Going To Ibiza!

Take away the dodgy accents from "Dreadlock Holiday" and what you have is something which is unpleasant, sneering and has nothing positive to say about the country at all. It trots out all the worst Jamaican stereotypes and the only Jamaicans to appear in the song are muggers and pushers.

It is hard to imagine the Jamaican Tourist Board will invite 10CC to the island in 2028 to celebrate the record's 50th anniversary, as happened to Typically Tropical in Barbados last year.

(Ernie sent a link to this, but I couldn't get it to open. You may have more luck.)

Graham Gouldman has claimed in interviews that "the idea was to take the mickey out of a white person trying to emulate West Indian cool", which sounds distinctly like what a professor of logic might describe as a load of post-hoc bollocks. If that was really the case then there must be plenty of ways of doing so without portraying Jamaica in an entirely negative way - unless of course Graham thinks mugging and drug-pushing are cool (they're not kids!). And it certainly wouldn't necessitate calling the locals "brothers from the gutter" (Graham has at least had the good grace to disown that particular line).


We live in a world of post-hoc bollocks though, don't we? Trump has made that the predominant language of the world... I'm not sure we'll ever go back now.

In the same interview Graham says that "every West Indian person I’ve spoken to about it has said they love it".  While it is good to know that some of Graham's best friends are black, I still don't like it. Oh no!

Ooh - claws out at the end there!

Thank you, Ernie... and thank you to everyone who contributed to this series over the past nine months. I'm not going to belabour the conclusions we've arrived at... but neither am I willing to flog a dead horse.

Except... there will be a postscript tomorrow that may or may not be of interest. Until then - don't you cramp me style, don't you queer me pitch.

Friday, 27 February 2026

Self-Help For Cynics #44: Get Out Of My Pub!


Over the Half Term holiday, I had a visit from our local Reform Councillor. The first one to be elected in our area, and he was obviously chuffed with himself and his shiny blue rosette. I was loading my car up in preparation for a trip to the tip when I saw him knocking on the neighbours’ doors, and though I didn’t immediately know what party he represented, I had my suspicions.

When he approached and identified himself, I gave him both barrels. 

“Turn around, go away and never come near my house again.”

“Very well, sir,” he replied, obviously accustomed to abuse, “that’s your right in a democratic society. But do you mind if I ask why you’re saying that?”

“Because I’ve seen what’s happening in America and I don’t want the same thing to happen over here.”

“Well, America’s very different to here.”

“It won’t be if you lot get in.”

This went on a bit more, and I ended up calling him and his brethren a “bunch of racists”, which he denied, quietly, as he moved on to the next house.

Afterwards, I regretted my outburst. I should have just turned away immediately and not let myself be drawn into any kind of discussion. Why didn’t I? 

Because he was outside my home. And as such, he was directly invading my Environment.

The Soup Dragons - Vacate My Space 

You may remember in the last couple of editions of this very sporadic series, I mentioned Dr. R. Douglas Fields’ list of nine triggers for anger, summed up in the acronym LIFEMORTS. I’ve previously looked at the first three letters – L for Life or Limb, I for Insult, and F for Family. The next is E – the anger we feel when something invades our environment, our home, our safe place – even our personal space. In a recent interview, Dr. Fields explained…

“… animals who are territorial will protect their territory with violence. And we can see that in many animals in nature. But humans are fiercely territorial. Trespassers will be shot.”

Nirvana - Territorial Pissings

An article in Psychology Today expands on this…

“One of the main functions of territorial behaviour for humans is the preservation of privacy. Having a place where we can control who has access to us and when is essential for normal day-to-day functioning, and a lack of such control can be quite dispiriting and stressful.”

It goes on to suggest that this is one of the reasons homelessness has such profound psychological effects on people. We are hard-wired to need our own safe cave to retreat to when the world gets too much. And when the sabretooth tiger steps into our cave looking for a meal… how can we ever feel safe there again?

The Beatles - Get Back

When I was in the Sixth Form and we’d just started passing our driving tests, we would occasionally get to borrow a parental car and give friends a lift home from school. I have a vivid memory of the time we dropped my friend Rachel off at her house only for her to come running back out in tears moments later. Her home had been broken into while everyone was at work / school, and the burglars had ransacked the place. The police even found a shotgun propped up against a wall in the living room, suggesting that the thieves might have had to leave in a hurry – perhaps when they heard us pull up outside.

Peter Gabriel - Intruder

Rachel and her family were obviously deeply affected by this, but they were tough Yorkshire folk, and I guess they got over it. Her parents stayed in that house for a good many years afterwards, but I know a lot of people never get over a burglary or home invasion, and their only option is to move.

The Pursuit of Happiness - No Safe Place

Scientists suggest we don’t have to be in a place for a long time for us to start feeling territorial. One study, cited in Psychology Today, reported that…

“…when a person seated at a table in a university snack bar for five minutes or less was approached by a stranger who asked them to move, they invariably complied and often offered an apology as well. However, if the person had been seated there for a much longer period of time, they usually refused to move.”

Simon and Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

Have you ever been sat on a park bench, just enjoying the sunshine and the birdsong, the breeze on your face… and someone else has plonked themselves down on the same bench? On your bench? How does that make you feel? Maybe you’re a sociable soul and you welcome the company. Or maybe it depends how long you’ve been sitting there.

The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me 

Territorial rage can even exist on the interweb. I’m sure I’m not the only one who gets a bit miffed when I receive spam comments on my blog – but it’s worse still when Mr. Angry From Purley has a rant about something I’ve written. And check out all those people getting into heated arguments on social media – your Facebook account is another safe space. When some dickhead invades that with a comment they’d never make in real life… watch out!

Kate Bush - Get Out Of My House

Territorial anger is a natural human reaction then… so next time a Reform candidate comes knocking on your door, don’t beat yourself up about slamming it in his gammony face. 

Here's a song about someone who gets very angry when someone invades his space... be warned that it features a fair bit of bad language. Even worse than what I said to the Neo-Nazi.



Tuesday, 27 February 2024

Namesakes #74: Sting

Here it is. The one you've all been waiting for! 

What is it about Sting that makes us love to take the piss out of him? Is it his lyrics? (Who else could rhyme cough with Nabakov? Or ask us, with a serious face, if the Russians love their children too?) Is it the fact that he claims his name was derived from the jazzy yellow and black pullover he used to wear? Is it because he was one of those teachers who thought all the girls fancied him? Is it all the great work (he tells us) he does for charidee? Is the tantric sex? Or is because he's such great mates with Bono? Whatever the reason, Sting has been a figure of ridicule for as long as I can remember. But let's face it, he's one of a kind. 

Isn't he? 

STING #1

Guitarist Dave Howman and drummer Gavin Dare were the main songwriting team behind London glam-wannabes Sting in the mid-70s. Howman later went on to write music for Monty Python, One Foot In The Grave and the TV adaptation of The Wind In The Willows, as well as forming Melody Maker's 1983 "Band Of The Year", The Boyfriends.

STING #2

Hey ladies! Don't you ever wonder how Sting does it in the shower? Well, here's your answer from 1978 and the The Disco Corporation of America!

STING #3

Next, some Aussie proggers, also from 1978, with a lyric I'm sure Mr. Sumner would be extremely jealous of...

Hey, Mr. Blind Man,
Tell me what you see
Can you picture flowers?
Can you look out to the sea?

STING #4

And now... the main attraction. Unlike Bono, I don't hate Sting. I even think some of the stuff he did with the Rozzers is excellent - particular So Lonely and Can't Stand Losing You, before too much of the cod-Reggae influence crept in. 

Solo though... I can't say he's written many songs that have leapt out of the radio at me. I had a look down his singles chart history and there was a lot of aural wallpaper. In fact, the only solo track I really like is his debut single (probably because he didn't write it), from the soundtrack of the movie version of Dennis Potter's controversial play Brimstone & Treacle, in which Sting "acts". 


Which Sting spreads a little happiness for you... and which Sting has you reaching for the calamine lotion?
 

Sunday, 29 January 2023

Snapshots #276: A Top Ten Doo Doo Songs

All hails Michael McDonald, King of Doo! Well, Doobie. Because he's from the Doobie Brothers. You see? Have I explained that enough?

Here's ten songs with some Doo in them...


10. Filthy.


"The Filth" is not particularly complimentary slang for The Police.

The Police - De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da

Some of Sting's very best lyrics, right there.

9. When Henry Met Serena.

Lenny Henry meets Serena Williams.

Lenny Williams - Shoo Doo Fu Fu Ooh

(Top 40 hit in 1977, pop pickers.)

8. Laverne's Street Blues.

Lauren Laverne from Kenickie & 6Music sings on the Hill.

Lauryn Hill - Doo-Wop (That Thing)

7. He can always sell any dream to me... and may be related to #8.

Joshua Kadison sang "Jesse, you can always sell any dream to me". And this is another Hill.

Jessie Hill - Ooh Poo Pah Doo

6. Interdit aux moins de 21 ans.

That's the warning label that appeared on copies of Serge & Jane's infamous 1969 Number 1 hit. And I'm sure nobody under 21 bought a copy.

Jane Birkin - Di Doo Dah

5. White lies from a Glasvegas social worker.

Glasvegas sang about their social worker, Geraldine.

White lies are fibs.

The Geraldine Fibbers - You Doo Right

4. Played keyboards in the band.

That's Manfred Mann (born Manfred Sepse Lubowitz), who played keyboards in the band that took his name. Paul Jones sang the songs.

Manfred Mann - Do Wah Diddy Diddy

3. The Longer Tonsils.

A rather fitting anagram.

The Rolling Stones - Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo (Heartbreaker)

2. Ask Ethan.

Anyone who watched GLOW will recognise the subject of today's second anagram, the wonderful...

Kate Nash - Do-Wah-Doo

1. Charley's Chandeliers.

Charley Pride sang about Crystal Chandeliers.

An obvious Number One...


Doo come back next Saturday for more Snapshots...


Sunday, 16 May 2021

Snapshots #189: A Top Ten Bottle Songs


Ah, my old friend, Jack. So long parted.... 20 years since we spent any real time together. Not that I think you'd do me any good if you and I were still together. Not right now, anyway.

Sigh. Bottled up answers to follow...


10. 5-0.

As in Hawaii 5-0...

The Police - Message In A Bottle

9. Ian's geriatric haul.

Anagram!

Christina Aguilera - Message In A Bottle

8. Sounds like the paintings of an old crone.

Hag art!

Merle Haggard - Tonight The Bottle Let Me Down

7. Conversational measurement of power.

Ben has conversations.

Power is measured in watts.

Ben Watt - Empty Bottles

6. There's no I, so don't stop.

There's no I in team!

The Go-Team - Bottle Rocket

5. The Man From Mississippi... honey.

The Man From Uncle.

Tupelo Honey, from Mississippi.

Uncle Tupelo - Whiskey Bottle

4. The first martyr was French.

Saint Etienne was the first martyr. Google it.

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

3. Ah, inflated Julia: III.

Anagram (rather an easy one)!

Juliana Hatfield Three - Spin The Bottle

2. Knitting in the exercise room.

Crochet in the gym.

Jim Croche - Time In A Bottle

1. I am not in heroin, neither is the White boy.


Take the I from heroin and you're left with Heron.

Jack White's boy would be Jack's son.



As long as I don't bottle it (pun stolen from CC), Saturday Snapshots will return next week...



Thursday, 22 October 2020

My Top Ten Social Distancing Songs

 


Step back, please. As we all head back into lockdown, it's time to social distance in song...


10. The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me

Let's start with the obvious one, eh?

All the girls in Mr. Sting's class fancied their teacher.

9. Hall & Oates - So Close

A mismatched romance, contained one of the great lyrical couplets to describe such an inequality...

He fell like a rock, 
She kinda liked him.

But as for being relevant to our current predicament, try this...

We believe in tomorrow, though we're stuck in today.
Baby we're so close, so close, yet so far away.

8. Dire Straits - So Far Away

I'm tired of bein' in love and bein' all alone
When you're so far away from me
I'm tired of makin' out on the telephone
'Cause you're so far away from me

Bonus track with the same title...

Stephen Duffy - So Far Away

When I was a young, young man
Back in the Twentieth Century
Well, you made your own amusements then
Flying to the moon

The benefit of hindsight
Is always black and white
There always were contrasting ways
To help you through the night
From bright morning star to morning sun

But they are so far away
That I won’t even ask them to stay

7. Richard Thompson - Keep Your Distance

Keep your distance, keep your distance
When I feel you close to me what can I do but fall
Keep your distance, oh keep your distance
With us it must be all or none at all

6. Suzanne Vega - Solitude Standing

Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met

5. Astrid - Distance

Now that you're far away
I can feel the distance
They say it's only fresh air
But I can feel the distance
And the sun always shines
When you walk my way
Baby, I wonder
Is it sunny with you today?

4. Bruce Springsteen - You Can Look (But You Better Not Touch)

Mess around and you'll end up in dutch, boy

3. Justin Currie - You Will Always Walk Alone

Lying asleep at night under the watching ceiling light
Safe in the fortress of your home
Remember you'll always walk alone

2. The Temptations - I Can't Get Next To You

I
Can turn the grey sky blue
I can make it rain, whenever I want it to, oh I
I can build a castle from a single grain of sand
I can make a ship sail, on dry land tell 'em yeah
But my life is incomplete and I'm so blue
'Cause I can't get next to you

1. The Georgia Satellites - Keep Your Hands To Yourself

Still one of the great unsung rock 'n' roll songs...

No hug-ee, no kiss-ee... glad I'm not dating in lockdown.



If you want to leave a suggestion in the comments box, make sure it's at least two metres from anyone else's.



Thursday, 6 February 2020

My Top Ten 'Hate Your Job' Songs


Inevitable, really...


10. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

There was a time this one would have been Number One, but... y'know...

Still. Has he ever written a truer line?

I was looking for a job 
And then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now

9. The Police - Dead End Job

Sting has rarely sounded angrier.

Don't wanna be no teacher, I don't wanna be no slave
I don't wanna work no assembly line, like my uncle Dave
The queue gets longer everyday, I just ain't got time to stay
I ain't gonna run away, all I wanna do is play

8. The Walkmen - This Job Is Killing Me

Just like Thom Yorke said...

7. Lou Reed - Don't Talk To Me About Work

I'm not sure Lou Reed ever did a day's work in his life. But it's nice of him to sympathise with the rest of us.

Don't talk to me about work
Please don't talk to me about work
I'm up to my eyeballs in dirt
With work, with work
How many dollars, how many sales
How many liars, how many tales
How many insults must you take in this one life?
I'm in prison most of the day
So please excuse me if I get this way
But I have got obligations to keep
So be very careful when you speak
Don't talk to me about work

6. The Jam - Smithers-Jones

Sitting on the train, you're nearly there
You're a part of the production line
You're the same as him, you're like tin-sardines
Get out of the pack, before they peel you back

And after all that effort, they give him the sack.

This always makes me think Weller must have been listening to Sparks.

5. BJ Barham - American Tobacco Company

Only recently discovered this, but it's been on repeat play.

Now every single morning I walk into this building
I think about my children, and the life they oughta lead
And I try my best
Not to look back

4. The Divine Comedy - Office Politics

This one's about the bastards in charge and how they keep getting away with it.

Intern chokes on his gooseberry fool
Consternation in the typing pool
Press the flesh, do the deal
Book your place on the hamster wheel
See that PowerPoint presentation
Worthy of a BAFTA nomination
Zero hours, maximum pressure
You know what they say about business and pleasure

3.  Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job And Shove It

Who doesn't dream of one day walking into the boss's office and saying these words?

Well, that foreman, he's a regular dog
The line boss, he's a fool
Got a brand new flattop haircut
Lord, he thinks he's cool

One of these days I'm gonna' blow my top
And that sucker, he's gonna' pay
Lord I can't wait to see their faces
When I get the nerve to say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more!

2. Drive-By Truckers - This Fucking Job

Well, quite.

Workin' this job is a kick in the pants
Workin' this job is like a knife in the back
It ain't gettin' me further than the dump I live in
It ain't gettin' me further than the next paycheck

Workin' this job is like lightin' two fuses
Workin' this job is runnin' out of excuses
It's like a dead-end when a road map is useless
Until I'm dead and there's nothin' to show for my uses

1. Huey Lewis & The News - Workin' For A Livin'

Look, I know you don't agree that this should be Number One, but I need cheering up, OK? And Huey always does the job...

Some days won't end ever and some days pass on by
I'll be working here forever, at least until I die
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I'm supposed to get a raise week, you know damn well I won't

HARMONICA!



As per the new Top Ten rule, I stopped looking for them once I had ten, so I'm sure there's lots more where these came from. Feel free to throw me your suggestions and I'll happily do a Volume 2. Misery loves company...



Tuesday, 26 February 2019

Hot 100 #50


That's 50 Cent, Fiddy to his mates, introducing us to the second half of our countdown of songs relating to numbers. Here's what you had for me this week...

Charity Chic kicked us off with the theme tune to Hawaii 5-0, which I wouldn't have considered, but as I did make it Number One in My Top Ten TV Themes (Instrumental) last year, it was a pretty good call.

Next came C, with a track that was definitely in consideration...
PJ Harvey - 50 Ft Queenie
Lynchie suggested a couple of fine lyrical fifties the first of which was this...
Talking Heads - People Like Us
In 1950 when I was born
Papa couldn't afford to buy us much
He said be proud of what you are
There's something special 'bout people like us

I've been listening to a lot of Talking Heads lately, so that went down very well.

Other songs about the year / decade 1950(s) included...
The Police - Born In The 50s
When Sting is finally called to answer for his many, many crimes against songwriting, this is one of those tunes that will spend quite some time in the witness box, particularly these lines...

Oh we hated our Aunt
Then we messed in our pants
Moving on...
Scotty Baker - '50 Buick
...was the only car song I could find this week.


I'm sure there are hundreds more songs that drop a lyrical mention to the decade that spawned rock 'n' roll, but we haven't got time to go fishing for them, so I'll finish with this... which doesn't appear to have much to do with the decade at all, but - as with 99% of all other Wedding Present tunes - is actually about screwed up relationships...
The Wedding Present - 50s
Where was I? Oh yeah: Lynchie's other suggestion... and it's a belter. This would have been a definite winner most weeks.
Battleship Chains - (made famous by) The Georgia Satellites
Warren Zevon covered this song. It rocks! (Actually, that's Warren with Peter Buck & Bill Berry from REM, trading as The Hindu Love Gods.)
 I love the original version by The Woods, cos it's got a ship siren at the start!
You got me tied down with battleship chains

50 foot long and a two ton anchor
Tied down with battleship chains
50 foot long with a two ton anchor

Like C, I didn't know that was a cover. I prefer the Georgia Satellites version though: it really does rock.

Finally, Lynchie asked whether or not 50/50 songs would be allowed. Well... go on then. Here's a few...
John Wesley Harding - Fifty Fifty Split
Cocteau Twins - Fifty Fifty Clown
Suzanne Vega - Fifty Fifty Chance
The Strokes - 50 50
The Del McCoury Band - 50/50 Chance
All the way from Dubai, Jim was back, digging around in his library to find a well-fingered copy of...


...sorry, Jim, I couldn't resist that... or the awful sub-Benny Hill pun that preceded it.

What Jim actually suggested was the far superior...
Edwyn Collins - 50 Shades of Blue
Jim's second suggestion was an entirely new one to me... definitely worth discovering though.
Steve Diggle - 50 Years of Comparative Wealth
Not the only song I found to mention 50 years though. Here are a few of my own...
Biff Bang Pow! - 50 Years of Fun
Guided By Voices - When She Turns 50
The Fall - 50 Year Old Man
(Surprisingly, The Swede didn't suggest that last one though he did suggest another Mark E. Smith tunes, Masquerade, for these cheery lyrics: '...like a fish dish the grim visage altered again and again, the fifty percent interest ran out today, account altered...')

And then there was this... my runner-up this week... a clear winner most other weeks. Aimee Mann's debut album takes some beating...
Aimee Man - 50 Years After The Fair
Roger McGuinn on guitar & backing vocals there, if you're interested.

Meanwhile, a couple more from The Swede...
Bob Dylan - The Tempest
...which he might have suggested because it mentions fifty thousand tonnes of steel... or maybe because it goes on for about 50 minutes.
Otway & Barrett - DK 50/80
To which the only response is...




(I'm obviously very excited to have Alan back on TV.)

Rigid Digit was next up with this little beauty... with Stephen Fry on guest vocals.
Kate Bush - 50 Words For Snow
And also a lyrical 50 which he became rather pedantic about and I had to challenge on the basis of artistic license...
Squeeze - Up The Junction 
"This morning at 4:50, I took her rather nifty..." 
Great song, a soap opera in 3 and a half minutes. But one cannot ignore the chronological error. 
This morning she gave birth to a daughter (at 5:20, pedantic fact fans) 
Within a year she was a walker (OK, this may have been a guess or expectation). 
But then, just 2 lines later, he is already 2 years in the future
Like I said: artistic license. And I thought I was a pedant. Great song though.

We then welcomed a new player, Douglas McLaren, with a very fine suggestion...
The Tragically Hip - Fifty Mission Cap
...and with songs like that, Douglas, you're welcome back here anytime.

However, sometimes I just have to go for the obvious choice... so here it is, a tune I've always had a great fondness for.

King of Pedantry Rigid Digit pointed out that Paul Simon only actually names 5 of the 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover...

Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan
Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free

...and both he and Alyson wondered what the other 45 may be.

To answer that question, I can direct you towards Carol Brown by Flight of the Conchords, in which Jermaine Clement gives you at least another 19, including...

Loretta broke my heart in a letter
She told me she was leaving and her life would be better
Joan broke it off over the phone
After the tone she left me alone

Jen said she'd never ever see me again
When I saw her again, she said it again
Jan met another man
Liza got amnesia, just forgot who I am

Felicity said there was no electricity
Emily, no chemistry
Fran, ran, Bruce turned out to be a man
Flo had to go, I couldn't go with the flow

Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
But I'm hoping that you'll stick around

Mimi will no longer see me
Brittany, Brittany hit me
Paula, Persephone, Stella, and Stephanie
There must be fifty ways that lovers have left me

Mona, you told me you were in a coma
Tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany

(Bruce is my favourite.)

And while I can't name the other 26 off the top of my head, I can also direct you Okkervil River's Plus Ones, a very fine song which reveals #51 (as well as revealing what happens to the 97th tear and the 100th luftballoon, among others)...

51st way to leave your lover
Admittedly, it doesn't seem to be as gentle
Or as clean as all the others

Still. The problem is all inside your head, it seems to me...



49 next week. I have a feeling these posts are about to get longer and longer...

Sunday, 2 December 2018

Saturday Snapshots #61 - The Answers


When it comes to Saturday Snapshots... Everything I Do, I Do For You.

Yesterday was pretty much a two-horse race between Charity Chic and Rigid Digit. By my calculations, RD snatched a half point victory. Well done to Chris for starting us off and C for mopping up. You guys definitely played it till your fingers bled...

Here are this week's answers. Please Forgive Me if I made any obvious mistakes.


10. Tiny tots love sweets, short marsupials wager.


A short marsupial would be a 'roo. That was having a bet.

The Rubettes - Sugar Baby Love

9. Frankly rubbish bench-pressing.


Frankly rubbish would go in a Sinatra trash-can.

The Trashcan Sinatras - Weight Lifting

8. Calydonian queen & summer kebab chase Billy Joel's Number One.


Althea was the queen of Calydon in Greek mythology.

Donna Summer. Doner kebab.

Bily Joel's Number One was Uptown Girl.

Number One is the top ranking.

Althea & Donna - Uptown Top Ranking

...and ting.

7. Van Gogh's DNA tells us his favourite Genesis song.


Vincent's genes say, "Mama!" (the Genesis song).

Gene Vincent - Say Mama

6. Spinach for breakfast, broccoli for lunch and cabbage for tea will make you go mental.


Spinach, broccoli & cabbage are all greens, so that would be a Green Day.

If you went mental, you would be a basket case.

Green Day - Basket Case

5. Dame loses id est listening to Kate Bush song twice; needs sweets after that.


The Dame was Bowie, minus ie would be Bow.

Kate Bush sang Wow. Twice would be Wow Wow.

Bow Wow Wow - I Want Candy

4. Timely hedge warden is proven wrong as winter arrives.


A hedge warden is a hayward, apparently. (That's called 'research'.)

Timely would be just in time, of course.

If winter arrived, then Autumn would be over, thus proving wrong the idea that Autumn might last forever.

Justin Hayward - Forever Autumn

3. A glum liar ran off with James Dean Bradfield.


"A glum liar ran" is an anagram.

James Dean Bradfield is a Manic.

Laura Marling - My Manic & I

2. Wogan will help with your puncture, but only in the summer.


Terry would need a jack to fix your puncture.

Terry Jacks - Seasons In The Sun

1. Neil Armstrong brings home the bacon.


With apologies to any officers who may be reading this nonsense.



It's obvious by now that we Can't Stop This Thing We Started, so Saturday Snapshots will be back next week. Heaven!


Friday, 2 June 2017

My Top Ten Stalker Songs (Volume 1)

There should be a question mark in that.
But maybe the fact that there isn't... 
making it more of an imperative than a question...
is actually quite apt.

This is one of those Top Tens I've been wanting to do since I started this blog... the only problem being, there are way too many songs about stalkers and stalking people to only choose ten. Because songwriters are a bunch of creepy, obsessive weirdos. So this is Volume 1... of, quite a few, probably. I have loads more saved up for future volumes, but feel free to make suggestions.


10. The Police - Every Breath You Take

Let's start with the obvious one. Iffypedia says that this one song is "estimated to generate between a quarter and a third of Sting's music publishing income". Stalking pays for the Popo.

9. Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart

I don't know what's more creepy about this song: the lyrics or the bassline.
There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last
8. Eels - Restraining Order Blues

Here's one stalker you almost feel sorry for...

Life goes on

Nothing is new

Judge made it clear

I can't be near you

Everybody knows that I'm not a violent man

Just someone who knows he's in love...
7. Doobie Brothers - What A Fool Believes

This is one of those amiable radio hits that everybody knows... but nobody really knows what it's about. I have to confess, I didn't realise just how creepy it was until recently.

Ladies... So this guy turns up from your past. You remember him, you act friendly towards him. But there was never anything between you. Except... he thinks there was. And there's no point trying to tell him otherwise...

But what a fool believes

He sees

No wise man has the power

To reason away

What seems to be

Is always better than nothing...
Weirdly, there's another story connected to this song which makes those lyrics take on a different meaning entirely. When Michael Jackson claimed to have sung uncredited backing vocals on the track, the song's writers, Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins, went, "Eh? We don't recall that, Michael..."

6. Badly Drawn Boy - Everybody's Stalking

When self-confessed Springsteen obsessive Damon Gough sings, "strap your hands across my engines" in the opening verse of this stalker song, maybe it's time for Bruce to keep an eye out for a weirdy-beardy in a Benny hat who might be following him home...

5. Lydia Loveless - Steve Earle

Dedicated to a creep who used to stalk Lydia... he looked just like Steve Earle. (Thanks to Charity Chic for bringing this one to my attention.)

4. REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You

If you think this is just a harmless, slushy soft rock ballad, then you've obviously never listened to the first verse in detail... or watched the ultra-creepy video in which lead singer Kevin Cronin goes all Norman Bates.... brrr.
You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was something missing
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe...
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissing...
When he said that he loved you, he meant that he loved you FOREVER.

3. REM - Losing My Religion

Consider this, the hint of the century: Michael Stipe compared REM's breakthrough hit to Every Breath You Take...

That's him in the corner. Coo-eee! I can see you!

2. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee

Originally by The Left Banke, yes, but for me, nobody beats Levi and the boys...
Just walk away, Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Although Billy Bragg's completely different Version (with Johnny Marr on guitar) comes damned close. Luckily, Billy doesn't get arrested for stalking though, even when Renee starts going out with Mr. Potato Head. She cuts her hair and he stops loving her...

1. Soko - I'll Kill Her

Because stalking isn't just something men do. Don't mess with Soko's bloke: she'll keel you.




That's volume one done. There'll be another ten following very soon. You won't know where or when, but they will be coming after you...


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