Snapshots #443: Sad Songs

All the best songs are sad songs... discuss.

15. She has natural recall.

"Natural recall" was an anagram.

Laura Cantrell - Pile of Woe

14. Wilson, Eagle and Confessor.

Jackie Wilson plus Eddie the Eagle Edwards and Edward the Confessor.

Jackie Edwards - I Feel So Bad

13. Switched on Doors album.

The Electric Soft Parade - No Need To Be Downhearted

12. Ocean getaway.

Billy Ocean needs a holiday.

Billie Holiday - Gloomy Sunday

And while we're on the subject of Billy Ocean, this came very close to inclusion but was judged too obvious by the selection committee...

Billy Ocean - There'll Be Sad Songs (To Make You Cry)

11. Foreigner Lou meets opinionated NME journalist.

Foreigner's lead singer is Lou Gramm. The opinionated NME scribe was Tony Parsons.

Gram Parsons - Return of the Grievous Angel

10. A spell-catcher... a bit like Wilson.

A witch, a bit like Wilson Pickett.

Pickettywitch (It's Like A) Sad Old Kinda Movie

9. This meths has really messed me up. 

This meths was clearly an anagram. And yes, I know The Smiths only appeared here a few weeks ago, but they had two excellent songs to share. First, the really obvious one...

The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now 

And then this one...

The Smiths - Unhappy Birthday

Plus most of the rest of their back catalogue.

8. Someone get the key to help Henry out.

Quick! It sounds like Hank's locked in!

Hank Locklin - I Feel A Cry Coming On

7. Because I'm useless, I'll never work this one out.

As previously mentioned, I lack Self Esteem.

Self Esteem - Moody

6. Nice guy, causes a chain reaction.

Nice Guy Eddie and the hot rods in an nuclear reactor...

Eddie & The Hotrods - Teenage Depression

5. Turner round and look behind you...

They stepped out from behind Tina Turner (and hopefully got far away from Ike eventually).

The Ikettes - I'm Blue

4. Giants and Gods lose their religion.

Take away the religion from "Giants and Gods" and you're left with...

Giant Sand - Glum

3. Our Graham knows the answer.

"Our Graham" was the ever cheerful announcer on Blind Date, hosted by one...

Cilla Black - Surround Yourself With Sorrow

2. Their name is like an anagram.

Because in an anagram, you put the letters in a New Order.

New Order - Regret

1. Are you f-in' kidding me, James?

R-U-F-IN... although I should point out that he wasn't ever a James: he was christened Jimmy Lee Ruffin.

Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted?

Happier Snapshots next Saturday (hopefully).

TV On The Radio #22: Mr Bates Vs The Post Office

I was largely unaware of the story of Alan Bates and his fight to clear the names and reputations of hundreds of Post Office employees. The recent TV dramatisation starring Toby Jones came as quite the eye-opener... and I'm still reeling. It's the sort of story that proves reality can be far scarier than fiction. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't believe it. Surely there must have been...? Why didn't...? What sort of people...?  How could they...? 

Words fail me. 

Here are some songs that feature the Post Office. The warm and welcoming local high street institution that we all grew up with... not the evil, autonomous Mega-Corporation that took it over.

Robert Arthur "Tut" Taylor Sr. was a champion and preserver of old time bluegrass music who once sold a Hank Williams guitar to Neil Young. Here he reminds us of a Post Office to be proud of...

Buccaneer is from Jamaica, but his real name is Andrew Bradford. He was stuck in the Post Office back in 1994.

Buccaneer - Post Office

But here's a young man who still has a nice word about the Post Office, from just last year...

Mark Diamond - Post Office

Eminem's obsessive stalker, Stan, was aware of problems at the Post Office back in 2000 - but who'd listen to that nutter?

I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem at the Post Office or somethin'

Eminem - Stan

Bob Dylan also suspected something was afoot...

And I would send a message

To find out if she's talked

But the Post Office has been stolen

And the mailbox is locked

Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Of course, it's not the first time the Post Office has been accused of being involved in dubious practices. Look how they helped Waldo Jeffers!

By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set

He was thoroughly packed and the Post Office 

Had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock

Velvet Underground - The Gift

Meanwhile, Donald Glover puts his finger on the real problem - it's the Horizon software!

But no love for the son of a commuter who was a radio head

And okay at them computers at the post office

Childish Gambino - Hold You Down

Whereas Joel Plaskett is just so wrapped up in his own life, he's oblivious to this extraordinary scandal...

I was at the Post Office buying a stamp

Thinking that the girl behind the counter was "fine"

I said, "You think this'll get there by Friday, ma'am?"

She says, "I get off work at quarter past nine"

To be fair to Joel, he does at least appear aware of the IT issues...

Baby, if you wanna be

Out of the ordinary

You don't need technology!

The Joel Plaskett Emergency - Extraordinary

How many people lost their jobs as a result of this travesty? Hundreds? Thousands? Here's one right now...

I used to work at the Post Office...

Frank Zappa - You Are What You Is

And what about former Post Office boss (and former CBE) Paula Vennels? Any thoughts on her?

She worked in my Post Office

In my zip code, in my postal area

I don't think I should reveal her name...

Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

With all these accusations of wrong-doing to be found in popular song, how do the Post Office respond? With flat-out denials... Nothing Ever Happens!

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'position closed'

Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

And with so many documents pertaining to this enquiry conveniently lost, who knows what else they lost?

...the mailbox that contained the letter 

That was lost by the Post Office for 40 years

Happenin' to have been written by Albert Einstein

Pere Ubu - Postman Drove a Caddy

Lots of people believe the Post Office used to be the heart of the community...

A Catholic church, a Baptist church

Come Monday morning everyone got back to work

Post office and a bank where they knew my name

Smile and a thanks with my receipt and change

Norman Rockwell couldn't paint it any better

I thought this place would stay the same forever

Laura Cantrell - I'm Gonna Miss This Town

But in recent years, so many have been forced to close down...

Last year, they closed down the post office

Took the only flag we had in town

That old brick building still stands like a cenotaph

To a vision lost and buried in a very distant past

Cowboy Junkies - The Last Spike

I'll tell you, all this has proved most upsetting to one of our greatest punk icons...

I'm searching for your beat

Black sister, stony beat

Post office freaks her out

Shock to me, come on out

Thurston Moore - Patti Smith Math Scratch

As soon as I started thinking about songs featuring the Post Office, two sprang immediately to mind. The first is just a mondegreen though. Still, if Michael really was singing...

Keep on to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough

...then there wouldn't be a better song to support Alan Bates's 20+ year fight.

Michael Jackson - Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough

At the front of my queue though, it was always going to be this little number from The Courteeners...

What took you so long?

Was there a queue at the post office?

Yep. A queue of rightfully aggrieved postmasters still waiting for their compensation...

My Top Ten Albums of 2023

23 words describing each of my Top Ten albums of 2023. Because I use far too many words the rest of the year...

10. Whitehorse - I'm Not Crying, You're Crying

Husband and wife Luke Doucet and Melissa McClelland join forces for their 8th album, venturing further into Canadian Americana territory than ever before.  

I went down division five local RCMP to file a missing persons report.

Well, they looked me up and down then their eyes went to the ground

They burst out laughing and they showed me the door

Said, "We ain't never seen nobody so lost before."

Whitehorse - Division 5

9. Robert Forster - The Candle & The Flame

A tender tribute to his wife's fight against cancer and a touching rumination on the aging process. His most personal album to date?

Feel changes in my mind

I’m walkin’ to school in ‘69

The next day I’m 35

Robert Forster - I Don't Do Drugs, I Do Time

8. Emily Breeze - Rapture

It's taken her a long time to break through... but the wisdom of bitter experience gives Emily an edge over her younger rivals.

One day you will find yourself at a friends 40th birthday party

Wondering how the days turned into decades and if anyone still does drugs

And you will dance, dance off the minutes and the moments

And magic and the misery and the miracles and monotony

As you unfurl into infinity among the solar systems and galaxies

A dopamine driven pinball machine studded with hair and nails and teeth

Hard wired with desire and fear and dreams hosted by the ghost of a memory

of a memory, of a memory, of a memory of a memory

There's nothing wrong with an ordinary life

Emily Breeze - Ordinary Life

7. LYR - The Ultraviolet Age

Poet Laureate Simon Armitage's latest band might come with the subtitle "For English Teachers Only"... but they deserve wider recognition. Poetry in emotion.

She said she liked

the flowers I sent

but wondered why

they had no scent,

and why the food

had lost its taste,

and why the nurse

had covered her face?

And why the gates of the park were shut?

And why the shops were boarded up?

And why the swings were tied in knots?

And the music... why had the music stopped?

LYR - The Song Thrush And The Mountain Ash

6. Laura Cantrell - Just Like A Rose: The Anniversary Sessions

Back after 9 years, and better than ever, with an ear for lyrical detail and a joyful tune... the First Lady of Americana?

Angry white man, you'd have me believe

You're beset and besieged

Your reputation is aggrieved

Climbed your way up to the tallest high chair

Do you feel safer up there?

I see you're loaded for bear ...

Angry white man

My favorite part

Is saying "bless your heart, 

Bless your heart"

Laura Cantrell - AWM - Bless

5. Jim Bob - Thanks For Reaching Out

Jim Bob's self-proclaimed masterpiece. Beware the hype, JB - cynical miserablists like me will expect too much. Great record, just not your best.

This is my mixtape, my romantic gesture

A dozen red roses left on your doorstep

This is my balcony scene, my drunken tattoo

My heart-shaped balloon, my graffiti on a factory wall

This is my Taj Mahal, my Albert Memorial

My Hanging Gardens of Babylon

This is my Long and Winding Road, my God Only Knows

My Up the Junction

Typed out on a bus and sent from my iPhone

Jim Bob - Thanks For Reaching Out

4. Ben Folds - What Matters Most

A slow-burner, with only one track representing his piano-stomping past; otherwise this is a reflective post-fame record to be relished by middle-aged musos. 

But it's a big world with un-famous people

Who deserve the grand applause

And they quietly carry on

I'd like to think that I could be that strong

Daydreaming on the bus, that's all

Now it's back to anonymous

Ben Folds - Back To Anonymous

3. Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - Weathervanes

Just another great Jason Isbell record. The quality never dips. If Laura is the First Lady of Americana, this guy is the President...

Are you looking for something easy?

Do you need to feel alive?

Do you crave a love that tears through your life like a Category Five?

My momma spent every day alone

In a house of noise and names

She got so tired of putting out fires

She just laid down in the flames

We're running out of options

I've told you all my jokes

If you insist on being lonely

Can you leave a couple smokes?

2. BC Camplight - The Last Rotation Of The Earth

Supposedly his final record (let’s hope not!), this sees Brian waiting for the Tesco man and dreading the future. Brutally honest and life-affirming.

"Oh, what a bеautiful morning"

I say to the Tesco guy

"I've seen my fair sharе

But there's something about this one"

He goes, "Are you okay?"

I look him in the eye

We both smile

1. Jenny Lewis - Joy'all

Wry melancholia, world-weary romance, exuberant self-sufficiency... it’s another flawless set from the former Rilo Kiley chanteuse - like the Carpenters but more kick-ass! 

My forties are kicking my ass

And handing 'em to me in a margarita glass

I was infatuated with an older man

And then I dated a psychopath

So I'm 44 in 2020 and thank God I saved up some money

Time to ruminate like, "What the fuck was that?"

Like a shot of good luck

I got a puppy and a truck

If you feel like giving up

Shut up

Get a puppy and a truck

My Top Ten Kitty Songs

I was jolted awake  at 5.55 on Christmas morning, not by Sam's excitement over Santa having visited, but by Louise saying, "there's someone downstairs playing Christmas music". With my heart pounding, I got out of bed and crept to the top of the stairs from where I could hear the sad refrain of Judy Garland wishing us a merry Christmas.

With visions of (at best) a burglar with a sick sense of humour or (at worst) a blood-drenched psychopath in a Santa costume, I ventured downstairs to discover...

The kitchen radio on at full blast.

Burglar?

Psychopath?

Poltergeist?

Or hyperactive kitten standing on top of the on button?

As I've already done My Top Ten Kitten Songs, here are ten kitties...


10. Sparks - Here Kitty

Ron & Russell's kitten gets stuck up a juniper tree. Bloody thing.

9. Bee Gees - Kitty Can

From 1969, when the Bee Gees were more like The Monkees. You'll have to watch it to see what I mean.

8. Bobby Darin - Pretty Miss Kitty

The airbrushed side of rock 'n' roll. Still fun.

7. The Pogues - Kitty

The Pogues did Trad. Arr. folk tunes better than most.

6. Presidents of the USA - Kitty

The Presidents are well and truly hacked off with their kitten...

Kitty up and scratch me through my jeans
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
Fuck you, kitty you're gonna spend the night
OUTSIDE!

5. Cat Stevens - Kitty

Cat plans on partying with his Kitty.

4. Racey - Kitty

Yes, Racey.

That'll put the kitten among the pigeons.

You may know this better as the Toni Basil version, Hey Mickey! You may also choose to deny knowledge of either. But I know when you're lying...

3. Laura Cantrell - Kitty Wells Dresses

Cred instantly restored (in some quarters, at least) with a lovely bit of pedal steel and one of John Peel's favourite country singers.

2. Darts - The Boy From New York City

Racey and Darts in the same top ten? I can still irk those musos when I want to.

Sing it after me:

Ooh ahh ooh ahh, cool, cool kitty...

1. Bruce Springsteen - Kitty's Back

Those of you who know about such things will hardly be surprised to find this early Bruce number holding off all challengers at Number One. I song I loved so much, I named the novel I wrote for my English degree (my excuse for a dissertation!) after it. My tutor was scathing... but I scraped at 2:1.

This live version from '78 is amazing...


Any kitties in your collection?

My Top Ten 'Life Sucks!' Songs (Volume 1, surely...)

Shut up, Axl. You have no idea what you're talking about.

Life... don't talk to me about life...

When you've had a week like I've had, sometimes you just want to wallow...


10. Hall & Oates - Who Said The World Was Fair? 

Not just Hall & Oates, but H&O go disco. If I'm gonna wallow, I'm really gonna wallow...

I think it must be a test to weed the best from the rest
But whatever they are doing is driving us
Out of our minds
Driving us out of our minds

9. The Pernice Brothers - My So-Called Celibate Life

In each life a quiet hell. Half a million scripts you can never sell.

Wow. That one kicked me in the gut. Thanks, Joe!

8. Teenage Fanclub - My Uptight Life

The waking world is full of cynics' sighs
Cynicism's a box I don't want to be in
I'll stay in bed until I stabilize 

Staying in bed. The dream...

7. Queen - It's A Hard Life

I try and mend the broken pieces
Oh, I try to fight back the tears
Oh, they say it's just a state of mind
But it happens to everyone

And nobody appreciates you, do they, Freddie?

6. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming a Landslide

I don't wanna be a man

I know. It's hard work, isn't it, James?

5. Morrissey - Life Is A Pigsty

 Well, of course it is, Moz. That goes without saying.

Can you please stop time?
Can you stop the pain?
I feel too cold
And now I feel too warm again
Can you stop this pain?

4. Warren Zevon - My Shit's Fucked Up

Because sometimes all you can do is say bad words to make you feel better...

That amazing grace
Sort of passed you by
You wake up every day
And you start to cry
Yeah, you want to die
But you just can't quit
Let me break it on down:
It's the fucked up shit

3. Laura Cantrell - Pile of Woe

Take it away, Laura... PLEASE take it away.

Come on baby stop your cryin'
You know you shouldn't bother so
Didn't your momma ever tell you
This world's a pile of woe

What's been born is busy dyin'
Our fortunes with the four winds blow
Don't dread the night, don't fear the morrow
Don't let this bed of sorrow grow

2. Meat Loaf - Life Is A Lemon (And I Want My Money Back)

Jim Steinman knows what he's talking about...

It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie and that's a fact
Life is a lemon
And I want my money back

1. Black Box Recorder - Child Psychology

You can always rely on Luke Haines to put things in perspective...

Life is unfair:
Kill yourself, or get over it.

Still, tomorrow's another day, eh?