Thank The F-Word It's Friday #4

Last Friday was our Work's Christmas Do. We went to play shuffleboard, a game I enjoy, and eat pizza, so all was good.

On our way into the venue, an attractive young woman stopped me on the stairs, tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "I'm loving your outfit."

Many gentleman of my age might have been flattered by such an approach, might have been left glowing with braggadocio, "I've still got it!". Certain less scrupulous types might have seen it as an invitation to pursue... who knows what, but it wouldn't have ended well.

Me, I just gave her a sideways look and said, "Whatever!", convinced that she could only be taking the piss. "She might have been coming on to you," Ben remarked later. "That'd be the first time in my life," I replied. You can't have still got it if you never had it in the first place.

(For those of you who are wondering: I was wearing a woolly jumper with a half-zip neck and jeans. It was hardly Zoolander material.)

My general reaction to any comment other people might take as a compliment is to consider it sarcasm. Which therefore leads me to adopt the position of Swans...

I'd like to think this is me taking a leaf out of Little Jackie's book...

...but in all honesty, it really just gives out the message of Lightspeed Champion.

No wonder I don't have any friends.

Saturday Snapshots #352: A Top Ten Posterior Songs

I almost ran this picture yesterday, but I figured it would be too much of a giveaway... so I featured the colossal arse that is Tom Hanks instead.

Here are ten songs we sit down on - or synonyms for posterior, if you prefer. 

10. Frankie's pall was rather dull and unfashionable. 

A dull and unfashionable person is a dowd. Frankie was pals with Johnny.

Johnny Dowd - Opus III: Caboose

9. Larry aches after playing Twister.

Untwist "Larry aches" and you get...

Ray Charles - Shake A Tailfeather

8. If I could be for only an hour, tiny.

"If I could be for only an hour," is a line from Jackie.

Little Jackie - 28 Butts

7. Inside Reece and Steve's peach.

Reece Shearsmith & Steve Pemberton made Inside Number 9. 

The Nectarine No. 9 - This Arsehole's Been Burned Too Many Times Before

6. In this world, we've got to find the time for things that come in bottles and lamps. See?

"In this world, we've got to find the time," is a line from The Life Of Riley.

Genies come in bottles and lamps. C?

Jeannie C. Riley - The Back Side Of Dallas

5. Policeman stuck in School of Grease.

Rydell High was the school in Grease.

Bobby Rydell - Honey Buns

4. Scary Christopher in Forest of Dean.

Christopher Lee was pretty scary. Hazell Dean was an 80s pop star, in a wood.

Lee Hazlewood - Poet, Fool Or Bum

3. Golden King, Silver Queen, Blue Prince.

Golden King, Silver Queen and Blue Prince are all types of holly.

The Hollies - I Can't Tell The Bottom From The Top

Good song, though I have a special fondness for the Kevin Rowland version.

2. Californian kestrels, ahoy!

I See Hawks In LA - Stop Driving Like An Asshole

1. The Colonel stops frying and lets daylight do its work.

KFC without the F, using sunshine instead...

KC & The Sunshine Band - Shake Your Booty

You 

Get off your arses next Saturday morning for more of the same...

My Top Ten Kitchen Songs

Because we've recently had a new kitchen fitted... all designed, planned and sorted by Louise. My contribution is pretty much this blog post.


10. Martika - Martika's Kitchen

I'd forgotten all about this. It was written by Prince, hence: it's probably a thinly veiled metaphor for sexy time.

9. Field Music - In The Kitchen

No idea what this one's about though.

8. Little Jackie - The Kitchen

You can't go wrong if you're rhyming 'kitchen' with 'bitchin'.

7. The Young Knives - Kitchener

The Young Knives Need YOU!

6. UB40 - Rat In Mi Kitchen

What are you gonna do?

5. Prefab Sprout - Venus of the Soup Kitchen

When you're scared of down and out
You keep it to yourself and if anyone suspects
You say: "Who me ? Hardly!"
You tell him "Thank your stars, this isn't Derby day
'Cos it's clear you've got the gift for backing the wrong horse, Charlie."

The lyrics in this song are truly beautiful, yet most of it's the way Paddy sings them. Wonderful phrasing, worthy of Sinatra the way he takes the vocal melody in such surprising directions.

4. Old Crow Medicine Show - Mary's Kitchen

Come on in to Mary's kitchen...
...if you want your sausage ground

Ouch.

3. Jona Lewie - You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties

Spoiled somewhat since it was adopted by Ikea, but nevertheless, this is still the best Jona Lewie song not about Winston Churchill and Christmas. Great bored-out-of-their-heads backing singers in the video too.

2. Band of Horses - Evening Kitchen

Simply gorgeous.

1. The Lemonheads - Kitchen

Thrilled to be in the same postcode as you...

It's A Shame About Ray is 20 years old this year. How can that be possible?



Those are the songs playing in our new kitchen. Which one gets you dancing round the Smeg? (No, we didn't buy a Smeg. What do you think we are, made of money?)