Snapshots #390: A Full Innings of Cricketing Songs

Howzat! Hope I didn't catch you out yesterday. As the new cricketing season gets underway, here are a bunch of songs about the gentleman's game...

15. Named after Big Daddy and one of the Majors.

Big Daddy's real name was Shirley Crabtree. Lee was one of the Majors. Shirley Lee was formerly the lead singer of Spearmint, but here he is with an excellent solo tune all about one of John Peel's favourite songs... which we'll come back to at the top of this countdown...

Shirley Lee - An Old Cricketer (For John Peel)

14. TV serial killer, gone in a Flash.

The TV serial killer is Dexter. Mix him up with Flash Gordon and you get...

Dexter Gordon - Sticky Wicket

13. Model airplane engine.

Model airplane engines used to generally be 10cc...

10cc - Dreadlock Holiday

(They don't like cricket... they love it!)

12. A bit tighter than Number Eight.

Tighter than an Embrace...

Squeeze - It's Not Cricket

11. Don't go around...

...go between!

The Go-Betweens - I Just Got Caught Out

10. Symbol found inside the Safari Park.

Prince became a symbol.  Safari Park.

Prince Far I - Cricket, Lovely Cricket

9. Time can't erase the memory of these magic guys.

Time can't erase the memory of these magic moments...

Moments - Dolly, My Love 

Cricket fans will know that a Dolly is an easy catch.

8. We welcome them with open arms...

Embrace - Ashes

7. Place a wager on half a stolen horse.

Sher(gar)? You bet!

Sherbet - Howzat

6. Everything lines up for them.

They're just so in synch...

*NSYNC - Bye Bye Bye

"In cricket, a bye occurs when the ball passes the batsman's wicket without touching their bat or person, and the batsmen score runs from that delivery." 

5. Querying the identity of Number One.

I suggest you approach today's Number One act and ask him, "U Roy?"

U-Roy - Hat Trick

4. The King's favourites.

Apparently, Sheila Ferguson reckons that King (formerly Prince) Charles ruined her love life. Men didn't ask her out because they knew she was the Prince's favourite.

The Three Degrees - The Runner

3. Biden... you're fired! (Twice!)

Joe... Joe... get your gun.

Jo Jo Gunne - Run Run Run

2. Gastropub lurkers have it in them.

Gastropub lurkers

Blur - End Of A Century

1. HR are ropy in this disorganized organisation. 

"HR are ropy" is an anagram...

Roy Harper - When An Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease

Watch out for the twelfth man at silly mid-on...

Don't worry - this old cricketer isn't leaving the crease just yet. I'll be bowling more Snapshots your way next Saturday...

My Top Ten Cricket Songs

Summer is coming and with it, the sound of leather on willow will echo again through country villages. I'm not really a cricket fan, but I'd rather sit and watch it on a hot day than be anywhere near a football stadium, that's for sure. Here's ten songs about cricket... with no songs about crickets and nothing by Buddy Holly's old band, I'm afraid.


10. The Duckworth Lewis Method - Jiggery Pokery

Neil Hannon of the Divine Comedy and Tom Walsh from Pugwash (pictured above) recorded two complete cricket-themed albums (or "kaleidoscopic musical adventures through the beautiful and rather silly world of cricket"). Their band was named after a mathematical formula used to calculate cricket scores.

This particular song is about the infamous "ball of the Century" played by Aussie cricketer Shan Warne against English batsman Mike Gatting in 1993.

I took the crease to great applause and focussed on me dinner.

I knew that I had little cause to fear their young leg spinner.

He loosened up his shoulder and, with no run-up at all,

He rolled his right arm over, and he let go of the ball.

9. Squeeze - It's Not Cricket

OK, maybe this one's not about cricket, just the expression. Still, it's always good for a chuckle.

She used to do a topless down at the Surrey Docks 

With tassels on her whatsits she did a t'riffic job 

Of raising all the eyebrows of every lunchtime mob 

She went with all the tossers who kick about a ball 

They say their club's the greatest, and she has kissed them all 

At the Arndale Center, she's up against the wall 

I can't name names cause that's not cricket 

See also Electric Trains.

8. Sherbet - Howzat

The famous cricketing expression turned into a love song by Australian band Sherbet... became an anthem at cricket grounds around the world.

Howzat?

You messed about

I caught you out

Howzat?

7. The Go-Betweens - I Just Get Caught Out

Here's another song about getting caught out, from another (albeit far superior) Aussie band.

6. Half Man Half Biscuit - Fuckin 'Ell, It's Fred Titmus

A song about bumping into a cricketing legend in your local shop while looking for ten pence off Lenor...

Oh, Dracula comes from Transylvania

Stevie nicks books about kleptomania

Johnny looked out of his bedroom window

And shouted to his mum: “Fred Titmus!”

5. The Kinks - Cricket 

The Kinks, of course, being a quintessentially English band, mentioned cricket rather a lot in their songs. See also Do You Remember Walter? and, of course, The Village Green Preservation Society.

4. Pet Shop Boys - Can You Forgive Her?

Speaking of quintessentially English bands...

Remember when you were more easily led

Behind the cricket pavilion and the bicycle shed

Trembling as your dreams came true

You looked right into those blue eyes and knew...

3. 10CC - Dreadlock Holiday

I don't like cricket...

I love it!

I've explained the origins of this song (and its rather odd video) before, in My Top Ten Hairstyle Songs. It's amusing that the video wasn't filmed in either Jamaica or Barbados... but Charmouth, Dorset.

2. Shirley Lee - When An Old Cricketer

A song about our Number One song today, which also happened to be one of John Peel's favourites. Here Shirley takes the theme of Roy Harper's classic and adapts it into a heartfelt tribute to the legendary DJ.

1. Roy Harper - When An Old Cricketer Leaves The Crease

Quietly heartbreaking. A song about nostalgia and how it was never quite as good as we remember it. More apt than ever given current events.

When the moment comes and the gathering stands and the clock turns back to reflect

On the years of grace as those footsteps trace for the last time out of the act

Well, this way of life's recollection, the hallowed strip in the haze

The fabled men and the noonday sun are much more than just yarns of their days.

Any cricketers in your collection?

My Top Ten Bad Day Songs

Ironically, today has been a very good day. I took my son out of pre-school and we had a boys' day out. There was ice cream, ducks, sculpture an enormous tower (bigger than the Eiffel Tower, it turns out, and only about 20 minutes from home).

Anyway, I wrote this one last week. So if your day hasn't been as good as mine, here's ten songs to help you feel better... and no Daniel Powter!



10. Blur - Bad Day

I'm not sure early Blur has aged that well. But I never was particularly baggy...

Still better than anything Oasis ever did. 

9. Coco - Bad Old Days

Yes. I put this in here just to piss off Damon Albarn.

Look - Cheryl Baker!

Before Bucks Fizz!

With another Eurovision entry!

Which bombed!

Shame? What's that?

(Nothing personal if you're a big Blur fan. I was once. But Damon just annoys me these days.)

8. Okkervil River - My Bad Days

Probably the most depressing song on this list. But if you're having a bad days, that's probably apt...

7. Space - Bad Days

Space 1997: when they could do no wrong. 'Why do bad days last forever and ever?', asks Tommy Scott.

6. Shirley Lee - Good Days & Bad Days

Spearmint's Shirley, from his 2011 double solo album Summer Spring Winter Autumn, before he got the band back together. Always worth a listen.

5. Kasey Chambers - On A Bad Day

Lovely Aussie country, with Lucinda Williams on backing vocals.

4. The Charlatans - Bad Days

Great song from The Charlies' 2008 album You Cross My Path: sounds like The White Stripes meets The Cure. I'll play this one for Charity Chic who snoozed and lost on the Charlies front this week.

3. Darwin Deez - Bad Day

Don't get on the wrong side of Darwin: he'll wish you unwell...

I hope that the last page of your 800 page novel is missing
I hope that it rains if you leave the window down on your red Mustang

If you drop your keys I hope there's a sewer somewhere very nearby
I hope that your team lost, I hope your new girl takes off with a new guy

And I would like to be your girlfriend so I could dump you
And I would like to be your garbage man so I would never have to pick up your trash again

2. The Flaming Lips - Bad Days 

An anthem for the everyman... courtesy of a band who are anything but. 

You're sorta stuck where you are
But in your dreams you can buy expensive cars
Or live on Mars
And have it your way

And you hate your boss at your job
Well, in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams
Show no mercy!

1. R.E.M. - Bad Day

Classic REM. It wasn't officially released until 2003 as an extra rack / single on a Best Of, but the roots of this song go back to the band's earliest days. A version was originally performed in 1985 when the media and the president were obviously in need of a kicking. Although as time goes by, you almost wish Ronnie would come back...

A public service announcement followed me home the other day
I paid it nevermind. Go away.
Shit so thick you could stir with a stick- free Teflon whitewashed presidency
We're sick of being jerked around
Wear that on your sleeve
Broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, lord,
Count your blessings.
We're sick of being jerked around
We all fall down.




I hope one of these made your day a little better...

My Top Ten Coming Home Songs

Two posts ago, I covered songs demanding we come home. Here are ten songs that do what they're told....


10. The Lightning Seeds featuring David Baddiel & Frank Skinner - Three Lions

I like Ian Broudie's Lightning Seeds. I like David Baddiel. I like Frank Skinner. And as an anthemic slice of Britpop, I even like this song.

I just don't like the football.

Plus, I kind of preferred Justin Currie's message to the Scottish team - Don't Come Home Too Soon!

9. Kiss - Comin' Home

A song about being on tour and missing your girl back home... and I'm sure Kiss stayed faithful the whole time.

8. Neil Diamond - Comin' Home

Another song about being on tour and missing your girl back home... but I like to think Neil managed to keep it in his pants while he was away. (I may be wrong.)

7. Shirley Lee -  Coming Home

Still one of the most unsung songwriters of his generation...

Two lovers stop you and ask
You to take their photo
Tears streaming down your face
They go and stand by the rail
The Bay behind them
Angel Island
And you’re already gone
You’re already gone
You’re already gone away…

6. Frank Turner - St. Christopher Is Coming Home

Nobody writes songs about friendship quite like Frank Turner. 

5. Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band - Comin' Home

Bob prepares to welcome back an old friend who left for the big city lights ten years back... and may well be coming back with his tail between his legs.

You can go home again.

4. Fleetwood Mac - Coming Home or Fleetwood Mac - Coming Home

So it turns out there are two completely different Fleetwood Mac songs with this title... and neither of them sound like anything you'd expect a Fleetwood Mac song to sound.

The first is from the group's original incarnation in 1968, when they were Peter Green's British blues band (although the eponymous Mick Fleetwood and John McVie were knocking around on drums and bass respectively).

The second is even more bizarre. Taken from the band's NINTH album in 1974, this was written by then lead singer Bob Welch (who was soon after replaced by Lindsey Buckingham) and it sounds like some kind of trippy psychedelia. Still, it was the first Mac album to crack the American charts... so I guess they were heading in the right direction.

3. Half Man Half Biscuit - Paintball's Coming Home

To the tune of He's Got The Whole World In His Hands, Nigel Blackwell prepares for the visit of some annoying neighbours / friends / relatives. Who they are or why they're coming to call is unimportant... but he gives us plenty of reasons to dread their arrival.

They were due on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due to go on the Crystal Maze
Yeah, they were due on the Crystal Maze
But they got mugged in Florida

2. Richard Hawley - Coming Home

One of his earliest songs: like listening to an old radio picking up broadcasts from another era...

1. Mel Tormé & The Cookies - Comin' Home Baby

Love this - although it does have rather a bizarre history. Tormé was a white jazz crooner from the Sinatra era, persuaded to record this infectious pop-soul number in the early 60s with girl group The Cookies pretty much against his wishes, by all accounts. He didn't think much of the song but it went on to become a pretty big hit... later revived by Northern Soul DJs, which just goes to show those guys knew their stuff. Much later covered by Bublé, who doesn't make a bad crack at it... but the original is still the best.



Which one are you coming home to?

My Top Ten Father & Son Songs... That Don't Mention Fathers or Sons In The Title

Still too busy to write new Top Tens... but fortunately, I stashed a few away in reserve before our new arrival.

Having a son has made me think a lot about being a father, and about my own father and everything he's done for me. These ten songs put those emotions into words I could never write...

(There are lots of father / son records that do mention the F or S word in the title. We'll get back to those.)


10. Dan Fogelberg - Leader of the Band

Big member of the Dan Fogelberg Appreciation Society right here.

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

9. Paul McCartney - Put It There

Those of you who know about the love/hate relationship I have with Sir Thumbsaloft might be surprised to find this one here, yet I always found it to be one his most affecting solo records, based on some wacky old Liverpudlian expression his dad used to come out with.

8. Brad Paisley - He Didn't Have To Be

Brad's first American Number One tells the story of a boy's respect for his stepfather, hoping that when he himself becomes a father, he can be "at least half the dad he didn't have to be". I always presumed this was autobiographical, but iffypedia tells me it's actually about one of Paisley's friends and his son.

7. Mike & The Mechanics - The Living Years

Mike & The Mechanics were an appealing prospect in that they were basically latter-day Genesis minus Phil Collins, with added Paul Carrack. Which is a win-win situation in anybody's book. This is their biggest hit, a heartstring tugger about a son who regrets his fractious relationship with his father once the old man has passed.

6. Nizlopi - JCB Song

Something of a novelty hit, this relies heavily on 80s pop culture references (Zoids, Transformers, BA Baracus and Toberlone) to catch the attention of blokes of a certain age... i.e. me. And although not all our dads will have driven a JCB, many of us can remember a time when we thought our Dad was Bruce Lee...

5. David Gates & Bread - Everything I Own

Yes, I used to think this was just another song about a man pining for a woman too. Puts a whole new slant on it when you realise it's about a son missing his late father...

I would give everything I own
Give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again

4. Bruce Springsteen - Walk Like A Man

Bruce has written a number of songs about his father and my immediate thought for this list was My Hometown in which he rides around town on his dad's lap (no car seats in them days!). But this one gets me in the back of the throat from the opening line...

I remember how rough your hand felt in mine
On my wedding day...

3. Billy Bragg - Tank Park Salute 

A young boy confronts his own mortality... and that of his father.

I accepted the commiserations
Of all your friends and your relations
But there's some things I still don't understand

You were so tall
How could you fall?

And if you think that's a tearjerker... try this:

2. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

I've written about this song many times before, I'm sure I'll write about it again. Shirley's heartfelt tribute to his late father: it never fails to reduce me to tears. If you can spare the time to listen to it, I challenge you to reach the end without filling up. All the way to the end. Don't say I didn't warn you.

1. Harry Chapin - Cat's In The Cradle

"Frankly," says Harry Chapin in his live introduction, "this song scares me to death."

It's certainly a lesson to busy fathers everywhere... 




Which song reminds you of your father?

My Top Ten (Non-Christmassy) Snow Songs

Because it's been snowing this week. Round these part, anyway. And, as usual, people have been acting like it's the end of the world...

The only rule for this one was that I couldn't have any Christmas songs. For obvious reasons. Hence, no matter how good a song 'Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow' might be... it's not getting in.


10. Belle & Sebastian - The Fox In The Snow

Having grown up on a farm and seen the after-effects of a fox in a chicken house, I shouldn't have much sympathy for the animals. But I do. Besides, Stuart Murdoch could make me shed a tear for even the most hateful of creatures: that's just his gift. One day he'll write a song about Tom Hanks or Michael McIntyre and all will be forgiven...

9. Shirley Lee - The First Time You Saw Snow

I make no apologies for featuring two Shirley Lee records in the space of two Top Tens, even if most of you have never heard of him. Sadly this one has disappeared from its original online source, but I'm sure you can hear it somewhere if you search hard enough. It's worth the effort!

8. The Pernice Brothers - Snow

Or, if you prefer, from the same album: Pisshole In The Snow. Joe Pernice is a big Morrissey fan, you know.

7. Black Sabbath - Snowblind

Ozzy's got icicles in his brain. This could explain so much. (What do you mean it's a metaphor?)

6. Jackie Leven - Stopped by Woods on a Snowy Evening

A poem by Robert Frost, given gorgeous voice by the late Jackie Leven. As beautiful as a fresh snowfall.

5. Divine Comedy - Snowball in Negative

All through this short life we give of ourselves
Giving and giving and slowly diminishing
Leaving a mark that will gradually fade
Ash in the breeze, snowballs in negative

4. Handsome Family - The Snow White Diner

The first Handsome Family song I ever heard and still a favourite. As the youtube poster remarks, it's "very Twin Peaksy".

3. JJ72 - Snow

Another lost classic from a great little indie band named after 72 jam jars. (Or so says the ever unreliable t'internet.)

2. Anne Murray - Snowbird

Not only is this a beautiful song, but Anne Murray was also once the world's best female celebrity golfer. Elvis's version is pretty good, but he was rubbish with a golf club.

1. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Fifteen Feet of Pure White Snow

Nick goes all Mike Oldfield on our snowy ass. Chilling... in every sense of the word. 

I waved to my neighbour
My neighbour waved to me
But my neighbour
Is my enemy
I kept waving my arms
Till I could not see
Under fifteen feet of pure white snow

Those were my snowy songs... which one gets you all flakey?

My Top Ten Answering Machine Songs

Ten great songs left on answering machines...


10.  Ben Folds Five - Your Most Valuable Possession

So, apparently, Ben Folds' dad suffers from somniloquy, a condition where you talk in your sleep... which makes you, apparently, ring up your rock star son and leave garbled messages on his answering machine which he then sets to music and uses to pad out his records. Or so the internet would have me believe.

9. Dandy Warhols - Phone Call

I don't know the story behind this disturbing series of answer phone messages set to haunting music... but it scares the hell out of me nevertheless.

8. Laptop - End Credits

If you came home to an answering message like this one, you'd probably never sleep again.

7. Blake Shelton - Austin

Big-stetson C&W at its most shamelessly cheesey. Nothing wrong with that.

If you're callin' 'bout the car, I sold it
If this is Tuesday night, I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

6. Cinerama - Maniac

On the other hand, some exes leave rather less romantic answerphone messages. This one drives David Gedge to call back... no doubt making matters much worse. You've got to learn when to let it drop, Dave.

And when I made that stupid oath
About how I was going to
Pay for someone to kill you both
It was just my way of showing you
That I wasn't playing

Oh yeah, you're right, I sounded like a maniac
But that's just what I'm saying
You'll only see how much I've changed
If you come back

5. Shirley Lee - The Reservoir

Not the first time I've found a way to include this song in a Top Ten... doubt it'll be the last. A tribute to Shirley's dear departed dad, it's one of the most emotionally devastating songs I've ever heard. Never fails to bring a tear to my eye*, especially when he plays that answerphone message at the end.



(*As proof, I just listened to it again now and my eyes are streaming.)

4. Paul Evans - Hello, This is Joannie (The Telephone Answering Machine Song)

Wow. Not heard this for years, but it does remind me of my childhood. Guess they must have played it lots on Radio 2 when I was 7.

Evans was an old rock 'n' roller from the 50s - he had a hit with the original version of Seven Little Girls (Sitting in the Back Seat). This was a surprise comeback hit in 1979, another excellent car crash song... with a morbid twist. The answerphone chorus is sung by Lea Jane Berinati. In case you were wondering.

3. De La Soul - Ring Ring Ring (Ha Ha Hey)

You know, the one that Curiosity Killed The Cat... borrowed.

2. Pulp - Ansaphone

Are you really not at home?
Or are you there but not alone?
Screening calls you don't want to receive
Meaning calls... calls that come from me.

If you weren't such  perv, Jarvis, she'd pick up.

1. The Replacements - Answering Machine

Raw and beautiful, Paul Westerberg and co. at their best.

How do you say goodnight to an answering machine?

Leave your favourite after the bleep.

My Top Ten Christmas Present Songs

Looking for a few ideas for last minute Christmas gifts? Ask the experts...!

Pop songs have the answer to everything.


10. The Rocket Summer - Christmas Present

Just discovered this. Be thankful: my original #10 choice involved a hippopotamus.

9. Shirley Lee - The Christmas Present


You can always rely on Shirley to break your heart at Christmas.

8. Over The Rhine - All I Ever Get For Christmas Is Blue

Having read Steve's post the other day, this one's for him.

7. The Research - For Christmas, I Got Pityriasis Rosea

No, I didn't make this up.

My girlfriend was none-the-wiser
She bought me some moisturiser

And to make it even better - they're from Wakefield!

6. My Chemical Romance - All I Want For Christmas Is You

What - you were expecting Mariah Carey?

5. Half Man Half Biscuit - All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit

Scalextric, Subbuteo and a Dukla Prague away kit... and your Christmas is complete. Just pray that Scalextric doesn't come with a dodgy transformer.

4. Aimee Mann - I Was Thinking I Could Clean Up For Christmas

I dunno, Aimee, luv, I quite like you mucky...

3. Tom Waits - Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis

What a rugby player would be doing in Minneapolis, I have no idea.

2. Fountains of Wayne - I Want An Alien For Christmas

7 of 9 or that dancing green chick... maybe.

1. The Velvet Underground - The Gift

The strangest Velvet Underground record by far (and that's saying something), Lou Reed's 8 minute plus short story is delivered as a spoken word narrative by John Cale (he's from the valleys: that accent's genuine) about poor old Waldo Jeffers' misfiring plan to post himself to his girlfriend as a surprise gift. Do not try this at home.

You can tell how old this record is - in those days, it actually would have been more cost effective to send yourself by post rather than buy a train ticket. Not anymore...bloody Royal Mail. 60p a stamp? Outrageous!



So - that's my Christmas present list. Which one would you like to find under your tree?

My Top Ten Haunted Songs

Have a haunted Halloween on me...


10. Shirley Lee - The Haunted

So much sadness is not good for you...

From last year's excellent double album Winter Autumn Summer Spring, the Spearmint man scares away the spectres.

9. John Fogerty - Haunted House

For the man who gave us Bad Moon Rising, living in a haunted house is no big deal.

8. Seth Lakeman - I'll Haunt You

When Seth Lakeman goes off to sea, his woman promises to be faithful. When the Dear John letter arrives, he threatens a punishment most eerie...

I'll haunt you, haunt your bed
Tap the windows, you'll wake in dread
I pray that you love me instead
I'll haunt you, I'll haunt your bed
And I'll haunt you, sleep in fear!
Whisper secrets in your ear
A world away but I'll be near,
I'll haunt you.

7. Dodgy - Melodies Haunt You

Not the Dodgy song everybody remembers, but certainly less dodgy than many of their Britpop contemporaries.

6. Superman Revenge Squad - Yeah, This House Is Haunted

Can't go wrong with a bit of Superman Revenge Squad every now and then. Great lyrics, as always.

5. Saint Etienne - Haunted Jukebox

From the new Saint Etienne album, Words & Music, which is really quite lovely in places.

4. Pavement - Haunt You Down
 
Just a guess here, but Stephen Malkmus might be seeing ghosts because of something he's been smoking. Hardly a case for Scooby Doo or Peter Venkman. 

3. Haunted Love - Werewolf

A seriously spooky song from a New Zealand band named after an old Charlton horror comic. What's not to love?

2. Gene - Haunted By You

From the pub to the grave
I'll be haunted by you
Yes, you, you're in my way

Seems as good a place as any to mention the long-awaited solo album by Martin Rossiter... if you haven't ordered your copy yet, find out more about it here.

Gene almost won their second Number One here on My Top Ten... and then I remembered this...

1. Sinéad O'Connor & Shane MacGowan - Haunted

As everyone's favourite Christmas record proves, there's something irresistible about pairing the drunken bum vocals of Shane MacGowan with an angel. Kirsty will always be the most famous example of that... but Sinéad comes a close second. Just beautiful.

The first time I saw you 
Standing in the street 
You were so cool you could have 
Put out Vietnam

Those were the most haunting songs in my collection... but which one keeps you awake a night?