Snapshots #438: Euphemisms For... S-E-X... Songs

This is Chubby Checker. In 2013, he was forced to sue a leading IT company for promoting an app that used his name as a euphemism for measuring the size of one's manhood. The app was withdrawn.

Here are 15 songs that could well be euphemisms for nookie.

15. Danced for Patrick Hernandez.

Before she became famous, she was a backing singer and dancer for the French disco star.

Madonna - Hanky Panky

14. Scotland bar vandal gets his comeuppance.

"Scotland bar vandal" was an anagram.

Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

If you've never seen the video before, I urge you to give it a click. These days, we're so used to seeing pop stars singing about sex... but these guys look so wholesome, surely they were waiting till they were married?

13. Dustbin Wagon Americano.

Dustin Wagons are made by Dennis. An Americano is a coffee.

Dennis Coffey - Congress Six

12. Slow horse is such a sweetie.

Have you watched Slow Horses yet? If not, you don't know what you're missing. Gary Oldman plays Jackson Lamb... and he's luscious!

Luscious Jackson - Deep Shag

That might be a song about carpets. I'm not sure.

11. That time Elton came back and stayed.

(Elton) John and Paul Young, who sang Come Back And Stay.

John Paul Young - I Wanna Do It With You

10. Droopy-nosed flock.

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

9. Live with Mr. Las Vegas, on the loo.

Liv' is short for Olivia. Mr. Las Vegas was Wayne Newton. A loo is a John.

Olivia Newton-John - Physical

8. We're all lost inside Grampa's Telstar obsession. 

Grampa's Telstar obsession

The Pastels - Ride

7. Needs an A to boogie.

DNCE - Cake By The Ocean

That's what the young people are calling it these days, apparently.

6. Sounds like a video game, second prize on the Golden Shot.

The video game would be Sega. Second prize on the Golden Shot might be the Silver Bullet.

Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - Night Moves 

Worth watching that video for an early appearance by Joey from Friends.

Or, a little less subtle...

Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Horizontal Bop

5. Rebel Without A Chris.

James Dean was a Rebel Without A Cause. Chris Martin, without the Chris, would be...

Dean Martin - Wham! Bam! Thank You, Ma'am!

4. Nike, round the bend.

Nike Air, but curved.

Curved Air - Screw

3. Wayne.

Rooney - Jump In My Bed

2. Found washed up on Liberty Shores.

"Liberty Shores" was an anagram.

Isley Brothers - Between The Sheets

1. Henry, Wendy, Skip.

Henry James, Wendy James, Skip James.

James - Laid

Get your minds out of the gutter next Saturday morning for something far more wholesome.

Saturday Snapshots #22 - The Answers

You can go your own way towards working out these answers... or just wait for the Sunday explanations.


10. Chuck Berry loses a buck and gets mad. Put on some James Brown to calm him down.

Ch___ _erry goes Wild.

Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music

The Swede got this. Cherry and Swede pie anyone?

9. Spherical altocumulus.

Altocumulus look like this...

The Orb - Little Fluffy Clouds

Well done, Chris.

8. Get your shoes polished where Arthur Lee lives.

Arthur Lee would live in...

The House of Love - Shine On

Lynchie's shoes ares sparkling.

7. Michael makes my mouth water with his spongy biscuits.

Ladyfingers look like this...

Luscious Jackson - Ladyfingers

Brian enjoyed this week's early start and munched on a couple of Ladyfingers before bed. I remember when I used to be able to stay up till 11.30 on a Friday night.

6. Alfred's prizewinner wakes up Saint Peter.

That is a very young Robert Zimmerman, the future Nobel Prizewinner. This was going to be this week's Number One until I realised the original isn't available on youtube! Still, it is pretty obscurem I guess. Here's a passable live version...

Bob Dylan - Knocking On Heaven's Door

The Swede recognised cute lil' Bob.

5. Voices from space enjoy post-noon nookie.

The Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

Brian stole this from Alyson. We all know this should have been hers!

4. Genuine American actress has a good soak in Finsbury Park.

The Real Tuesday Weld - Bathtime In Clerkenwell

Happy to see The Swede recognise these guys, even though it took him a bit to get the right song.

If you've never heard Bathtime In Clerkenwell, please give it your ears for a couple of minutes. I can guarantee it won't sound anything like you expect... and if it doesn't make you grin, I'd check your smile at the doc's.

3. The gorgeous breadmaker chooses a naïve, shrunken crone.

George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag

Lynchie & Chris teamed up for this one.

2. Unlocking your rental causes a commotion in the dairy.

To unlock your rental, you'd need a Key to the Lease.

Kelis - Milkshake

Much puzzlement over this masked marvel, though Alyson got it in the end. She almost loses her mark for calling it "that awful milkshake song" though. Surely this is a female empowerment anthem?

1. Complete the marathon with Tracy and Bette.

Spencer Tracy & Bette Davis...

(Doesn't Stevie Winwood look young?)

Brian bagged this one early doors... making it a 3-all draw between him and The Swede as this week's joint winners.



I'll try to make them a bit harder next week...

My Top Ten Afternoon Songs

 

This week, ten very good afternoons.


10. Franz Ferdinand - Wine In The Afternoon

The b-side to one of my favourite FF songs, Eleanor, Put Your Boots On, this is all about being young, having no commitments, and being able to do whatever the hell you want...

Remember that?

9. Crash Test Dummies - Afternoons and Coffeespoons

If you're not up to wine in the afternoon and the inevitable snooziness that follows, perhaps a good cup of Joe is what you need. Courtesy of those 90s Canadians oddballs who brought you the colossal Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm, here's their interpretation of T.S. Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

8. Panic At The Disco - Nine In The Afternoon

Sounding more than a little like Sgt. Pepper's meets Jellyfish, the emo-kings show they can party so hard it affects their ability to tell the time.

7. Arctic Monkeys - View From The Afternoon

Alex Turner's grubby street poetry was at its very best on that first Monkeys album...

I want to see all of the things that we've already seen
The lairy girls hung out the window of the limousine
Of course it's fancy dress
And they're all looking quite forlorn in bunny ears and devil horns and how

6. Del Amitri - Before the Evening Steals the Afternoon

More lush romantic storytelling from the always-on-the-verge-of-heartbreak Justin Currie.

5. Luke Haines - Saturday Afternoon

Another top cut from Luke's tribute to 70s/80s Saturday afternoon wrestling, this will bring back glorious memories to anyone who grew up in that era. Give it a listen - it will remind you of your childhood.

4. Queen - Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon

In just over a minute, Freddie delivers a camp Noel Coward-esque romp that's as uniquely Queen as Bohemian Rhapsody... but a completely different direction. In running through his week day by deliciously detailed day, Fred beat Craig David to the punch by about two decades, and a lot more style.

3. Pulp - Acrylic Afternoons

Jarvis updates the theme of this week's number one with typically sleazy zeal...

On a pink quilted eiderdown
I'm gonna take your knickers down
Net curtains blow slightly in the breeze
Lemonade light filtering through the trees
It's so soft and it's warm
Just another cup of tea, please
One lump, thank you, that's, that's good, cheers...

Doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, does he?

2. The Kinks - Sunny Afternoon

With tongue firmly in cheek, Ray Davies bemoans his huge tax bill and deserter girlfriend while lazing around in the garden of his very big house in the country.

See also Afternoon Tea in which Ray has been dumped by another girl (Donna) who's left him with only the price of a cup of tea.

1. The Starland Vocal Band - Afternoon Delight

As I always say, if you're going to go down in the history of pop as one-hit-wonders, better make sure that one hit's a belter. The SVB's ode to post meridiem nookie takes some beating, with lush harmonies hiding the cheekiness of its lyrics. The band were originally known as Fat City and the husband/wife songwriting duo at its centre also co-wrote Take Me Home, Country Roads with John Denver. Afternoon Delight is one of those perfect pop songs that I never tire of hearing. It always makes me feel a little better when it comes on the radio... and the video proves you didn't have to be drop dead gorgeous to get on the radio in the 70s.

My motto's always been
'When it's right, it's right'
Why wait until the middle
Of a cold, dark night?




Which is your afternoon delight?