Friday, 5 June 2026
Guest Post Friday: A Top Ten Dairy Songs
Sunday, 26 October 2025
Snapshots #419 - Legs & Feet Songs
This is Betty Grable. You can't see her legs, but she had them insured for a million bucks. That was back when a million bucks was worth something.
Here are ten songs that go below the waistline...
15. I'm sick of quiche for tea - and so is Woody!
Flan again, mum?
Flanagan & Allen - Underneath The Arches
14. Second Greatest Showman and Sex Machine unite.
The Greatest Showman starred Hugh Jackman. His sidekick in that movie was Zac Efron. James Brown was the sex machine.
13. They mate for life - and never stray too far.
Lobsters mate for life - according to Phoebe in Friends, anyway.
Close Lobsters - Knee Trembler
12. Trump had one... so did Babel.
I'm sure there will be some debate as to whether the hip bone is too high up the body, but the thigh bone is connected to it, so I'm using that as my excuse.
11. Introducing Michael Knight’s car!
As I'm sure you're all aware, Michael Knight drove the Knight Industries Two Thousand... KITT.
This Is The Kit - Creeping Up Our Shins
10. You know you want to!
Might save that one for the CCCC.
9. The Holly and… another famous Plant.
Holly Johnson, not Ivy. And Robert Plant.
Robert Johnson – Milkcow’s Calf Blues
8. In a tangle? Learn how to Offset Arrears.
"Offset Arrears" was an anagram.
Tears For Fears - Head Over Heels
And he'd be arrested for harassing that librarian in this day and age.
7. Napoleon, perhaps?
Was Napoleon France's Nero? Well, they were both Emperors...
Frances Nero - Footsteps Following Me
6. Found inside puzzling octopuses.
PuZZling ocTOPuses.
Another one for the Committee.
5. Scott & T-Bone hit the road.
Scott and T-Bone Walker hit the Street.
Streetwalkers - Toenail Draggin'
4. Sensible, Wellington, Attack.
Captain Sensible, Beef Wellington, Heart Attack...
Captain Beefheart - I Wanna Find a Woman That'll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go
3. Half a Catwoman makes a cake...
Julie Newmar was a Catwoman. Half of that is Julie N. A baker makes cakes.
2. The Portia VAT leaves you flummoxed.
"Portia VAT" was an anagram...
1. You’re always on the run now.
Lyrics from Gloria by Laura Branigan.
Friday, 14 June 2024
The Past Is Another Blog #3: Spam Ain't What It Used To Be
Natalie polychromes lonely pedant.
Since they decided to
take away our spam-filter at work, I’ve been flooded with hundreds of those
fascinating emails for stock tips and Viagra from people called Flossie Marks,
Gloria Beard, Houston Stout and Carmela Slaughter (which always makes me think
that Chris Morris might be involved)… and I’m becoming strangely enamoured by
the copy that arrives with them. Presumably it’s just some clever way of
bypassing certain spam-detection programmes, but if you take a moment to
actually read it, you'll find a twisted genius at work. An Edward Lear, Spike
Milligan, or even Grant Morrison of spam.
Alice Cooper - No Baloney Homosapiens
Our priest, carving the bread up the hill, isn't
tirelessly unfirm.
Oh, I know it’s
nonsense – but it’s often strangely poetic nonsense… and I’m starting to think
this could in fact be my dream job – writing email gobbledygook for the world’s
spam champions (did someone say ‘Spampions’?) Yes, I know what you’re going to
tell me. It’s not an actual human being sitting in a lonely garret composing
these odes to penis size and Wall Street… it’s just randomly generated computer
blather, an IBM Macbeth churning out idiotic sound and fury that signifies
nowt. But still, there’s something beautiful in it. In a sort of ‘found art’
kind of way.
Apparently musical ability and the bread and red sauce, plus… between the furrows. I should be safe enough here. I clamped my jaw.
My favourites at the
moment are these eerie paragraphs of haphazard sentences that follow a set
pattern of ‘noun verb adjective noun’ (though occasionally crying out for a
definite or indefinite article, the programme’s obviously not smart enough to
select the correct one).
Saskatoon plumes wide calypso.
Telugu texturizes sore parrot.
Karloff conscripts dark polio.
It’s the deliciously
bizarre, incongruous and esoteric word choices that make them so appealing. You
never get anything as trite as ‘Fred jumps fat dog’. They’re like those
creative writing competitions where you’re given a title and asked to make up
the story from there. Except these titles are far more interesting. I mean…
imagine the story behind:
Edgewood outfloats pleasant incubus.
Leave me now, I’ve got
to start writing…
Thursday, 16 November 2023
Title Fight #2: Dead Pets & Big Toe Holders
We're back with more great song titles dredged up from the darkest recesses of my hard drive... and some from yours too. Do any of them live up to their names?
For your consideration today...
1. Alice Cooper - I'm Alive (That Was The Day My Dead Pet Returned To Save My Life)
Brackets are a wonderful thing in song titles, aren't they? Although I have to admit there's a part of me that always hears the diabolical James Saville reading the title out as he used to do on the wireless, saying "open bracket... close bracket".
Sam and I were listening to an old compilation in the car last week. When Alice Cooper's Hey Stoopid! came on, Sam said, "good old Alice!"
I've also been listening to Mr. Furnier's latest record, Road. It's a lot better than a heavy rock album by a 75 year old man should be.
This one comes from way back in 1982 though, when he was younger than all of us. Taken from the wince-inducing album Zipper Catches Skin.
2. My Life Story - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?
Jake Shillingford's My Life Story were firm favourites in my house for at least five minutes in the late 90s. This is from their third album, Joined Up Talking.
Because you can't copyright a song title - even a great one - American rockers Mayday Parade were free to write their own song with the same name, and that's the one you're more likely to come across via your search engine of choice. (Does anybody actually use Bing?) It can't hold a candle to My Life Story, if you ask me.
Mayday Parade - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?
3. Gary Stewart - She's Actin' Single (I'm Drinkin' Doubles)
Charity Chic was keen to remind me that country songwriters are an excellent source of great titles, and he recommended one of his favourites from Gary Stewart. My hard drive is full of country singers drowning their sorrows in booze after getting dumped, but as Gary Stewart was the "king of honky tonk", he appears to have spent more time than most propping up the bar. He was also responsible for She's Got a Drinking Problem, Hey, Bottle of Whiskey and An Empty Glass (That's the Way the Day Ends) among many others.
Tragically, Gary Stewart took his own life following the death of his wife in 2003.
Sunday, 7 March 2021
Saturday Snapshots #179: A Top Ten Million Songs
10. Pow!
Mix up "male tit" and you get...
7. Gym shoes.
The Plimsouls - A Million Miles Away
6. Pull any string to unravel.
"Pull any" twisted up leaves you with...
Lyn Paul - It Ought To Sell A Million
See - Take That wasn't the worst song this week! They both share a groovy saxophone though.
5. Story time in the oasis.
Rory, Rory, tell a story to the Gallaghers...
Rory Gallagher - A Million Miles Away
4. How Tony put out his candles.
With a (Tony) Curtis blow...
Kurtis Blow - 8 Million Stories
3. Crocodile hating physician.
2. Drabber artisans are not on for this ape!
"Drabber artisans" was an anagram.
A gibbon is an ape... but this gibbon is not on, so it's just a Gibb.
Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb - Guilty (One In A Million)
The version in my music library has brackets. I don't know why, because most of the time the title is just Guilty, no brackets. The Human Nature cover has brackets though, if you're interested. You shouldn't be, because it's awful.
1. He's pretty good at this quiz.
The gentleman above is Ken Sweeney. He was the lead singer of a band called... Brian!
(I did want this clue to involve Mrs. Brian, but that would have been too obvious.)
Tuesday, 3 December 2019
Hot 100 #29
I couldn't find even a half-decent band with 29 in their name, so here's a picture of Carrie Fisher, because... well, do I need a reason?
OK then, a reason.
Carrie Fisher - Sonnet 29
Taken from Rufus Wainwright's album of Shakespeare Sonnets, Take All My Loves.
Onto the business at hand then: what did you have for me this week?
Let's start with last week's winner, Douglas, who found himself struggling a little this time...
"I can offer little new regarding the 29s from my own corpus of beloved songs and artists, despite having scoured through some 2500 LPs, 500 CDs, and a few thousand files on the hard drives and mp3s."
Blimey - that's dedication.
"So I hit the search engines, and came across a few songs that were new to me, with 29 in the title, including:"
"29" by Loic Nottet (who, despite being a young male Belgian singer, here most puts me in mind of Adele)
Over to Martin, who ticked quite a few off my list...
Steve Earle & The Dukes - No. 29
Robert Plant - 29 Palms
"A double-whammy in Beyond Skin by Nitin Sawhney for the lyric..."
ELO - Last Train To London
"Chattanooga Choo-Choo by, well, loads of people references "Track 29", I think."
Yes, it does. Loads of people, but only one...
Glenn Miller - Chattanooga Choo Choo
From one Glenn to another Glen...
"I'm A Lazy Sod by The Sex Pistols starts..."
"And because it's you, Rol, doesn't Bruce have a song called Highway 29?"
You mean this one?
Bruce Springsteen - Highway 29
Speaking of Steve Earle (as Martin did way back when), Lynchie was quick to offer this...
Steve Earle & The Dukes - Billy Austin
Charity Chic was quick to second that, adding, "the live version on Shut Up and Die Like an Aviator is up there with the best of his songs..."
Steve Earle & The Dukes - Billy Austin (Live)
Lynchie also suggested a couple more that had made my (not so) short list...
Hank Snow - There's A Little Box Of Pine On The 7:29
Tom Waits - $29.00
Then came Alyson, who's petitioning for a return of Randy Tuesdays or Kenny Wednesdays. One thing at once, eh? I'm still not back up to full steam. She did have this to offer though...
"A date this week rather than a time but Chicago did an anti-war kind of song called Someday (August 29, 1968) - Included is real audio of the crowds at an infamous demonstration."
Never heard that before, but I did like it. I always enjoy early Chicago when they had a brass section.
Martin stole many of Rigid Digit's suggestions this week, but RD did dig out the following...
"Simultaneously the best and worst album ever released..."
"From it, Pachuco Cadaver opens with the philosophical line:"
"Fanciful nonsense?"
I've to admit, RD, I tried very hard with TMR back in the day, but couldn't ever find my way into it.
"But the 29 bit comes later:"
Yeah, I'm still not convinced.
Your second suggestion though, was on my list...
Nick Lowe - Marie Provost
And that was it for your suggestions this week. What furballs did my hard drive cough up?
Cherry Poppin' Daddies - 2:29
King Creosote - February 29th
Frank Sinatra - The Lady From 29 Palms
Seals & Crofts - 29 Years From Texas
Irving Fields Trio - Cha Cha No. 29
Johnny Paycheck - 11 Months and 29 Days
Chumbawamba - Smash Clause 29!
Baader Meinhof - GSG 29
Marc Cohn - 29 Ways
Something Happens - Room 29
The National - 29 Years
Robert Palmer - 29 Ways (To My Baby's Door)
Golden Earring - Cell 29
And then there was this, which I'm very surprised nobody suggested. A worthy runner-up this week...
Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - 29
I'm less surprised nobody predicted this week's winner though. It has featured on this blog previously, but probably isn't that well known in the real world.
I still love it...
28? I've a feeling this one might be tough.
Tuesday, 15 April 2014
My Top Ten Nursery Rhyme Songs
The music I hear more often than anything else at the moment is nursery rhymes. Sam is particularly fond of The Grand Old Duke of York (popular gay icon - after all, he had 10,000 men), The Muffin Man (do you know him?) and Pop! Goes The Weasel (as close as Sam gets to pop music right now). Because my head is full of little else - I even wake up in the night with them drilling their way into my dreams - here are ten songs inspired to some degree or other by traditional nursery rhymes of yore...
(Special mention, for those of you who remember the 80s, to Cock Robin... who sound better than I remembered, despite their unfortunate name.)
10. Frank Zappa & Captain Beefheart - Muffin Man
Enough to give Sam nightmares till his 18th birthday: I don't think I'll be playing him this in a hurry.
And if you think that was scary...
9. Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs
Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin.
(Spoiler: in this version, The Big Bad Wolf gets killed by Rambo-Morph. I shit you not.)
8. Raydio - Jack 'n' Jill
And this is why I thank the pop music gods I was born when I was. Because, yes, today's teenagers may pride themselves on their love of the "classics" from the 60s, 70s or 80s... but how many of them will ever even hear this choice cut from Ray Parker Jr.'s original band? You could trawl youtube for decades and never stumble across this gem: cheesy 70s soul at its finest.
7. The Offspring - Come Out And Play (Keep 'Em Separated)
OK, so the old English nursery rhyme "Boys and girls come out to play" probably wasn't much of an influence on The Offspring. Sue me; I wanted to hear this again.
6. Terry, Blair & Anouchka - Ultra Modern Nursery Rhymes
Stretching the theme a little, though this is the only song I can think of to mention Nursery Rhymes in the title. One of Terry Hall's less successful recording ensembles, yet just as wonderful as anything else he's ever lent his vocal talents to. Ha, happier times, ba, ba, better days.
5. Tom Waits - Little Boy Blue
What happens when nursery rhymes grow up and become chain-smoking, whiskey-guzzling lounge singers? The answer is for adults only.
4. Aimee Mann - Humpty Dumpty
Another of Sam's favourites... and I will wean him off the original and onto Queen Aimee's far superior reinterpretation.
All the king's horses and all the king's menSee also The Humpty Dumpty Love Song by Travis. Because if I don't mention it, somebody else is bound to. (And still might.)
Couldn't put baby together again
3. Run DMC - Peter Piper
I'd be prepared to hear an argument for this being at Number One, considering it not only involves the titular pepper-picker but also Jack 'n' Jill, Jack B. Nimble, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs and many other childhood favourites. They even throw in a reference to Weebles: "the turntables might wobble, but they don't fall down".
2. The Shangri-Las - Past, Present & Future
I wasn't familiar with the nursery rhyme "A-tisket, A-tasket, A green and yellow basket" as a child. I only discovered it through the epic, melancholic melodrama of the Shangri-Las, a band with a truly unique sound. If you're only familiar with Leader of the Pack, give this a spin... I doubt you'll ever have heard anything walk the tightrope between aching beauty and high camp hysteria quite so bewitchingly.
1. The Bluetones - Solomon Bites The Worm
One of the Bluetones' best, wherein a mightily chunky guitar riff supports a playful retelling of the story of Solomon Grundy, bundled up with a joyful "grab life while you can" message because "you've only got 7 days". Which only goes to demonstrate that Mark Morris and chums were always a far more interesting Britpop prospect than the Blunder Brothers of Oasis. (BTW, Britpop is 20 years old this year. What does that make us?)
So, those were the nursery rhymes Sam can investigate when he's a little older... and I managed to avoid all mention of Mary Had A Little Lamb by Wings.You owe me for that.
But... which one bites your worm?





























