Showing posts with label Captain Beefheart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Captain Beefheart. Show all posts

Friday, 5 June 2026

Guest Post Friday: A Top Ten Dairy Songs


It's been a hectic week here at Top Ten Towers - not much time for blogging.

Fortunately, George was ready to step in...

A few days ago, in the must-listen-to-every-song-all-the-way-through Namesakes series, Rol wrote that despite the title of his blog he does not actually write a Top Ten piece any more. (I'm glad to see George is finally calling that series by its proper name.) I emailed him to say that I had started several but never got to ten songs. Well, now I have. So here it is. A “Top Ten Dairy Songs”. A teacher of English would know: is it ironic that a top ten dairy list is compiled by a vegan? (Yes.)

The songs below are not in any order of preference.

1. Captain Beefheart and The Magic Band - Ice Cream for Crow

The title track of his last album, and a rollicking great, almost rockabilly, song.


How insanely catchy is that riff? Maybe this is the best song in the list.

2. Hot Butter - Popcorn

Readers older than Rol might remember this hit from 1972.


In parts it sounds a game of pong gone mad. I’ve done a Rol here in stretching/ignoring the rule that the song itself must pertain to the title, but I can’t see any objection coming from either Rol or regular reader Ernie.

I object on the basis that I do remember it and wish I didn't. Ernie?

3. Billy Bragg - The Milkman of Human Kindness

One of my favourite “sing-along-with-Billy-Bragg” songs.


Am I the only one who started to lose interest in his music after the first two albums?

Hopefully.

4. Led Zeppelin - Custard Pie

It never occurred to me before writing this piece that this song might not actually be about the stuff you pour on your apple pie or rhubarb crumble.


Anyway, components of custard are dairy, so it’s in the list. That funky bit in the song is made by a clavinet. I think.

5. Larry Williams - Peaches and Cream

Not one of his better known songs, but a fine 2 minute blast of rock and roll. And given it’s a 1950s rock and roll song, I suppose the peaches and cream of the song are not actually a fruit and a dairy product.


6. Tarnation - Little Black Egg

Bending the rules again*, but  I’ve always lumped eggs in with dairy, probably from years of saying “vegetarian and no eggs no dairy”. Sung by one of my Top Ten favourite female singers. Mr CC has written (here) about our attempts to see Tarnation in Sheffield, he got the train from Glasgow, me  driving up from Birmingham. Indeed he is very lucky never to have seen them twice!


*I'd have been crucified if I'd tried that.

7. Quim Barreiros - Omelette

And from the absolutely fantastic Quim Barreiros, from the first album of his that I purchased, “A cabritinha” (I’m 99% confident he is not referencing little female goats)  and here you can see the great man in action, musically that is:


And I actually think this is a song about making an omelette. Of course, my knowledge is Portuguese entendres / sexual slang is almost zero. (I do know not to go to Mrs Woman in the veg shop and ask for tomatoes, though, only for tomato.*)

*The mind boggles.

8. The Handsome Family - The Sad Milkman

Another milkman song, by the Handsome Family:


That's my favourite - and a great relief, since I was worrying George might include Ernie's Namesake.

9. The B52s - Quiche Lorraine

And as I am including eggs, here’s the obvious one:


10. Wynonie Harris - Keep On Churning ('Til The Butter Comes)

Possibly my favourite of this list, and I am 100% confident that this song is using a sexual metaphor. 


Somehow this song wasn’t banned. If anyone is thinking of doing a My Top Ten Sweetie songs, can I suggest Lollipop Mama by Wynonie Harries, a song that is of course about, according to wikipedia,  a type of sugar candy usually consisting of hard candy mounted on a stick and intended for sucking or licking".

So there you are, a Top Ten Dairy Songs list, that probably only has one song about a dairy product.

And if he posts this, thanks go to Rol. Enjoy the music.

Thank you, George, for bringing the tone of this blog down several notches. Always good to see.


Sunday, 26 October 2025

Snapshots #419 - Legs & Feet Songs

This is Betty Grable. You can't see her legs, but she had them insured for a million bucks. That was back when a million bucks was worth something.

Here are ten songs that go below the waistline...


15. I'm sick of quiche for tea - and so is Woody!

Flan again, mum? 

Flanagan & Allen - Underneath The Arches

14. Second Greatest Showman and Sex Machine unite.

The Greatest Showman starred Hugh Jackman. His sidekick in that movie was Zac Efron. James Brown was the sex machine.

Zac Brown Band - Toes

13. They mate for life - and never stray too far.

Lobsters mate for life - according to Phoebe in Friends, anyway.

Close Lobsters - Knee Trembler

12. Trump had one... so did Babel.

Tower Of Power - What Is Hip?

I'm sure there will be some debate as to whether the hip bone is too high up the body, but the thigh bone is connected to it, so I'm using that as my excuse.

11. Introducing Michael Knight’s car!

As I'm sure you're all aware, Michael Knight drove the Knight Industries Two Thousand... KITT.

This Is The Kit - Creeping Up Our Shins

10. You know you want to!

The Persuaders - Thigh Spy

Might save that one for the CCCC.

9. The Holly and… another famous Plant.

Holly Johnson, not Ivy. And Robert Plant.

Robert Johnson – Milkcow’s Calf Blues

8. In a tangle? Learn how to Offset Arrears.

"Offset Arrears" was an anagram.

Tears For Fears - Head Over Heels

And he'd be arrested for harassing that librarian in this day and age.

7. Napoleon, perhaps?

Was Napoleon France's Nero? Well, they were both Emperors...

Frances Nero - Footsteps Following Me

6. Found inside puzzling octopuses.

PuZZling ocTOPuses.

ZZ Top - Legs

Another one for the Committee.

5. Scott & T-Bone hit the road.

Scott and T-Bone Walker hit the Street.

Streetwalkers - Toenail Draggin'

4. Sensible, Wellington, Attack.

Captain Sensible, Beef Wellington, Heart Attack...

Captain Beefheart - I Wanna Find a Woman That'll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go

3. Half a Catwoman makes a cake...

Julie Newmar was a Catwoman. Half of that is Julie N. A baker makes cakes.

Julien Baker – Sprained Ankle

2. The Portia VAT leaves you flummoxed.

"Portia VAT" was an anagram...

Pavarotti – O Sole Mio

1. You’re always on the run now.

Lyrics from Gloria by Laura Branigan.


If Ernie guessed the link yesterday in double quick time, it may well be that the idea was already in his head.

When he emailed me with the idea for last week's SS, he mentioned he'd been trying to put together a Legs and Feet Snapshots, but went with the Left Right one instead. I almost replied, "Glad you did - because I've got a Legs & Feet Snapshots ready to go... and then I thought, "D'oh, if you do that, you'll give him the answer!" So I kept schtum. But great minds and all that...

More of this nonsense next week...
 

Friday, 14 June 2024

The Past Is Another Blog #3: Spam Ain't What It Used To Be


Back to trawling through my old blog for recycled content. The next post I came across is from...

TUESDAY 19 DECEMBER 2006

...and what's interesting is that I'm writing about a phenomenon which I suspect no longer exists, at least not in the form I describe here. I'd forgotten all about this weird kind of spam email we used to get. I guess the spam blockers are so much more sophisticated nowadays, and the bots have moved onto other things. Still, it's a fascinating window on the past...

Natalie polychromes lonely pedant.

Since they decided to take away our spam-filter at work, I’ve been flooded with hundreds of those fascinating emails for stock tips and Viagra from people called Flossie Marks, Gloria Beard, Houston Stout and Carmela Slaughter (which always makes me think that Chris Morris might be involved)… and I’m becoming strangely enamoured by the copy that arrives with them. Presumably it’s just some clever way of bypassing certain spam-detection programmes, but if you take a moment to actually read it, you'll find a twisted genius at work. An Edward Lear, Spike Milligan, or even Grant Morrison of spam.

Alice Cooper - No Baloney Homosapiens

Our priest, carving the bread up the hill, isn't tirelessly unfirm.

Oh, I know it’s nonsense – but it’s often strangely poetic nonsense… and I’m starting to think this could in fact be my dream job – writing email gobbledygook for the world’s spam champions (did someone say ‘Spampions’?) Yes, I know what you’re going to tell me. It’s not an actual human being sitting in a lonely garret composing these odes to penis size and Wall Street… it’s just randomly generated computer blather, an IBM Macbeth churning out idiotic sound and fury that signifies nowt. But still, there’s something beautiful in it. In a sort of ‘found art’ kind of way.

Apparently musical ability and the bread and red sauce, plus… between the furrows. I should be safe enough here. I clamped my jaw.

Ultrasound - Nonsense

My favourites at the moment are these eerie paragraphs of haphazard sentences that follow a set pattern of ‘noun verb adjective noun’ (though occasionally crying out for a definite or indefinite article, the programme’s obviously not smart enough to select the correct one).

Saskatoon plumes wide calypso.

Telugu texturizes sore parrot.

Karloff conscripts dark polio.

Sigur Rós - Gobbledigook

It’s the deliciously bizarre, incongruous and esoteric word choices that make them so appealing. You never get anything as trite as ‘Fred jumps fat dog’. They’re like those creative writing competitions where you’re given a title and asked to make up the story from there. Except these titles are far more interesting. I mean… imagine the story behind:

Edgewood outfloats pleasant incubus.

Leave me now, I’ve got to start writing…

Captain Beefheart - Tropical Hot Dog Night

Is is possible to get nostalgic for email spam? They don't even make that like they used to...


Thursday, 16 November 2023

Title Fight #2: Dead Pets & Big Toe Holders

We're back with more great song titles dredged up from the darkest recesses of my hard drive... and some from yours too. Do any of them live up to their names?


For your consideration today...

1. Alice Cooper - I'm Alive (That Was The Day My Dead Pet Returned To Save My Life) 

Brackets are a wonderful thing in song titles, aren't they? Although I have to admit there's a part of me that always hears the diabolical James Saville reading the title out as he used to do on the wireless, saying "open bracket... close bracket".

Sam and I were listening to an old compilation in the car last week. When Alice Cooper's Hey Stoopid! came on, Sam said, "good old Alice!" 

I've also been listening to Mr. Furnier's latest record, Road. It's a lot better than a heavy rock album by a 75 year old man should be. 

This one comes from way back in 1982 though, when he was younger than all of us. Taken from the wince-inducing album Zipper Catches Skin.

2. My Life Story - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Jake Shillingford's My Life Story were firm favourites in my house for at least five minutes in the late 90s. This is from their third album, Joined Up Talking.

Because you can't copyright a song title - even a great one - American rockers Mayday Parade were free to write their own song with the same name, and that's the one you're more likely to come across via your search engine of choice. (Does anybody actually use Bing?) It can't hold a candle to My Life Story, if you ask me.

Mayday Parade - If You Can't Live Without Me Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

3. Gary Stewart - She's Actin' Single (I'm Drinkin' Doubles)

Charity Chic was keen to remind me that country songwriters are an excellent source of great titles, and he recommended one of his favourites from Gary Stewart. My hard drive is full of country singers drowning their sorrows in booze after getting dumped, but as Gary Stewart was the "king of honky tonk", he appears to have spent more time than most propping up the bar. He was also responsible for She's Got a Drinking ProblemHey, Bottle of Whiskey and An Empty Glass (That's the Way the Day Ends) among many others. 

Tragically, Gary Stewart took his own life following the death of his wife in 2003.


4. Captain Beefheart - I Wanna Find A Woman That'll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go

Next up, George wants us to consider the late Don Glen Vliet, famed for his wacky song titles... well, wacky everything, I guess, including, presumably, 'bacca. We could be here all day with the likes of...





...but I chose to highlight George's initial suggestion, from the 1970 album, Lick My Decals Off, Baby.


5. Crawlers - Would You Come To My Funeral?

Bang up to date for our final offering today, and Liverpool's Crawlers, who release their debut album, The Mess We Seem To Make, next year. This is the latest offering from a band who have previously released tracks called Feminist Radical Hypocritical DelusionalHang Me Like Jesus and Fuck Me (I Didn't Know How To Say)

I hope I don't get an invite to any of their funerals any time soon.


Best title? Best song? Are they the same? You decide...

Sunday, 7 March 2021

Saturday Snapshots #179: A Top Ten Million Songs


Who better to illustrate our TOP TEN MILLION SONGS than the Six Million Dollar Man himself? You know if they remade that today, he'd probably have to be a Six Billion Dollar Man? Six Million probably wouldn't even buy him a bionic leg.

Lee Majors, ladies and gentleman... the American Dennis Waterman.

Now onto the answers. Blame Lynchie if they were too hard this week. He said last week's were too easy!



10. Pow!


Take THAT!

I make no apologies for featuring Take That here. As boy bands go, they have at least three decent songs. Yes, Gary Barlow is a twonk, but Robbie makes up for that.


9. Too much steak can clog the arteries - not sensible!


It's not Captain Sensible who's risking his heart over beef!


8. Mixed up male tit.

Mix up "male tit" and you get...

Mattiel - Millionaire

7. Gym shoes.

The Plimsouls - A Million Miles Away

6. Pull any string to unravel.

"Pull any" twisted up leaves you with...

Lyn Paul - It Ought To Sell A Million

See - Take That wasn't the worst song this week! They both share a groovy saxophone though.

5. Story time in the oasis.

Rory, Rory, tell a story to the Gallaghers...

Rory Gallagher - A Million Miles Away

4. How Tony put out his candles.

With a (Tony) Curtis blow...

Kurtis Blow - 8 Million Stories

3. Crocodile hating physician.

Dr. Hook - The Millionaire

2. Drabber artisans are not on for this ape!

"Drabber artisans" was an anagram. 

A gibbon is an ape... but this gibbon is not on, so it's just a Gibb.

Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb - Guilty (One In A Million)

The version in my music library has brackets. I don't know why, because most of the time the title is just Guilty, no brackets. The Human Nature cover has brackets though, if you're interested. You shouldn't be, because it's awful.

1. He's pretty good at this quiz.

The gentleman above is Ken Sweeney. He was the lead singer of a band called... Brian!

(I did want this clue to involve Mrs. Brian, but that would have been too obvious.)



Join me again next week for more of the unknown snapshots that make Saturday such a star...


Tuesday, 3 December 2019

Hot 100 #29


I couldn't find even a half-decent band with 29 in their name, so here's a picture of Carrie Fisher, because... well, do I need a reason?

OK then, a reason.

Carrie Fisher - Sonnet 29

Taken from Rufus Wainwright's album of Shakespeare Sonnets, Take All My Loves.

Onto the business at hand then: what did you have for me this week?

Let's start with last week's winner, Douglas, who found himself struggling a little this time...

"I can offer little new regarding the 29s from my own corpus of beloved songs and artists, despite having scoured through some 2500 LPs, 500 CDs, and a few thousand files on the hard drives and mp3s."

Blimey - that's dedication.

"So I hit the search engines, and came across a few songs that were new to me, with 29 in the title, including:"

"29" by Loic Nottet (who, despite being a young male Belgian singer, here most puts me in mind of Adele)

I can definitely hear that. "Loïc Nottet", on the other hand, is an anagram waiting to happen.

"Ryan Adams - 29 (an artist entirely on my periphery, and who, on the strength of this song, seems likely to remain there)"

Ryan Adams made two or three excellent albums early in his career, although he lost his quality control over the years and has recently been dragged into a bit of a #metoo scandal, so he loses points for that as well.

"And perhaps the best of the 3, Gin Blossoms - 29, who at very least fit in some nice jangly guitars into a pretty decent tune with some appropriately wistful lyrics."

Yes. I'm rather fond of the Gin Blossoms also, so that would be my winner from your selections.

Over to Martin, who ticked quite a few off my list...

Steve Earle & The Dukes - No. 29

Robert Plant - 29 Palms

"A double-whammy in Beyond Skin by Nitin Sawhney for the lyric..."

On July 29th at 5.29am...

ELO - Last Train To London

It was 9:29, 
9:29 back street, big city

"Chattanooga Choo-Choo by, well, loads of people references "Track 29", I think."

Yes, it does. Loads of people, but only one...

Glenn Miller - Chattanooga Choo Choo

From one Glenn to another Glen...

"I'm A Lazy Sod by The Sex Pistols starts..."

You're only 29, got a lot to learn.

"And because it's you, Rol, doesn't Bruce have a song called Highway 29?"

You mean this one?

Bruce Springsteen - Highway 29

Speaking of Steve Earle (as Martin did way back when), Lynchie was quick to offer this...

Steve Earle & The Dukes - Billy Austin

My name is Billy Austin
I'm Twenty-Nine years old...

Charity Chic was quick to second that, adding, "the live version on Shut Up and Die Like an Aviator is up there with the best of his songs..."

Steve Earle & The Dukes - Billy Austin (Live)

Lynchie also suggested a couple more that had made my (not so) short list...

Hank Snow - There's A Little Box Of Pine On The 7:29

Tom Waits - $29.00

Then came Alyson, who's petitioning for a return of Randy Tuesdays or Kenny Wednesdays. One thing at once, eh? I'm still not back up to full steam. She did have this to offer though...

"A date this week rather than a time but Chicago did an anti-war kind of song called Someday (August 29, 1968) - Included is real audio of the crowds at an infamous demonstration."

Never heard that before, but I did like it. I always enjoy early Chicago when they had a brass section.

Martin stole many of Rigid Digit's suggestions this week, but RD did dig out the following...

"Simultaneously the best and worst album ever released..."


"From it, Pachuco Cadaver opens with the philosophical line:"

A squid eating dough in a Polyethylene bag is fast and bulbous

"Fanciful nonsense?"

I've to admit, RD, I tried very hard with TMR back in the day, but couldn't ever find my way into it.

"But the 29 bit comes later:"

Got her wheel out of a B-29 Bomber, Brody knob amber
Spanish fringe 'n talcum tassles forever amber

Yeah, I'm still not convinced.

Your second suggestion though, was on my list...

Nick Lowe - Marie Provost

Mary Provost did not look her best
The day the cops bust into her lonely nest
In the cheap hotel up
On Hollywood West July 29

And that was it for your suggestions this week. What furballs did my hard drive cough up?

Cherry Poppin' Daddies - 2:29

King Creosote - February 29th

Frank Sinatra - The Lady From 29 Palms 

Seals & Crofts - 29 Years From Texas

Irving Fields Trio - Cha Cha No. 29

Johnny Paycheck - 11 Months and 29 Days

Chumbawamba - Smash Clause 29!

Baader Meinhof - GSG 29

Marc Cohn - 29 Ways

Something Happens - Room 29

The National - 29 Years

Robert Palmer - 29 Ways (To My Baby's Door)

Golden Earring - Cell 29

And then there was this, which I'm very surprised nobody suggested. A worthy runner-up this week...

Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - 29

I'm less surprised nobody predicted this week's winner though. It has featured on this blog previously, but probably isn't that well known in the real world.

I still love it...



28? I've a feeling this one might be tough.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

My Top Ten Nursery Rhyme Songs


The music I hear more often than anything else at the moment is nursery rhymes. Sam is particularly fond of The Grand Old Duke of York (popular gay icon - after all, he had 10,000 men), The Muffin Man (do you know him?) and Pop! Goes The Weasel (as close as Sam gets to pop music right now). Because my head is full of little else - I even wake up in the night with them drilling their way into my dreams - here are ten songs inspired to some degree or other by traditional nursery rhymes of yore...

(Special mention, for those of you who remember the 80s, to Cock Robin... who sound better than I remembered, despite their unfortunate name.)


10. Frank Zappa & Captain Beefheart - Muffin Man

Enough to give Sam nightmares till his 18th birthday: I don't think I'll be playing him this in a hurry.

And if you think that was scary...

9. Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs

Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin.

(Spoiler: in this version, The Big Bad Wolf gets killed by Rambo-Morph. I shit you not.)

8. Raydio - Jack 'n' Jill

And this is why I thank the pop music gods I was born when I was. Because, yes, today's teenagers may pride themselves on their love of the "classics" from the 60s, 70s or 80s... but how many of them will ever even hear this choice cut from Ray Parker Jr.'s original band? You could trawl youtube for decades and never stumble across this gem: cheesy 70s soul at its finest.

7. The Offspring - Come Out And Play (Keep 'Em Separated)

OK, so the old English nursery rhyme "Boys and girls come out to play" probably wasn't much of an influence on The Offspring. Sue me; I wanted to hear this again.

6. Terry, Blair & Anouchka - Ultra Modern Nursery Rhymes

Stretching the theme a little, though this is the only song I can think of to mention Nursery Rhymes in the title. One of Terry Hall's less successful recording ensembles, yet just as wonderful as anything else he's ever lent his vocal talents to. Ha, happier times, ba, ba, better days.

5. Tom Waits - Little Boy Blue

What happens when nursery rhymes grow up and become chain-smoking, whiskey-guzzling lounge singers? The answer is for adults only.

4. Aimee Mann - Humpty Dumpty

Another of Sam's favourites... and I will wean him off the original and onto Queen Aimee's far superior reinterpretation.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put baby together again
See also The Humpty Dumpty Love Song by Travis. Because if I don't mention it, somebody else is bound to. (And still might.)

3. Run DMC - Peter Piper

I'd be prepared to hear an argument for this being at Number One, considering it not only involves the titular pepper-picker but also Jack 'n' Jill, Jack B. Nimble, Pinocchio, the Three Little Pigs and many other childhood favourites. They even throw in a reference to Weebles: "the turntables might wobble, but they don't fall down".

2. The Shangri-Las - Past, Present & Future

I wasn't familiar with the nursery rhyme "A-tisket, A-tasket, A green and yellow basket" as a child. I only discovered it through the epic, melancholic melodrama of the Shangri-Las, a band with a truly unique sound. If you're only familiar with Leader of the Pack, give this a spin... I doubt you'll ever have heard anything walk the tightrope between aching beauty and high camp hysteria quite so bewitchingly.

1. The Bluetones - Solomon Bites The Worm

One of the Bluetones' best, wherein a mightily chunky guitar riff supports a playful retelling of the story of Solomon Grundy, bundled up with a joyful "grab life while you can" message because "you've only got 7 days". Which only goes to demonstrate that Mark Morris and chums were always a far more interesting Britpop prospect than the Blunder Brothers of Oasis. (BTW, Britpop is 20 years old this year. What does that make us?)




So, those were the nursery rhymes Sam can investigate when he's a little older... and I managed to avoid all mention of Mary Had A Little Lamb by Wings.You owe me for that.

But... which one bites your worm?
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