Snapshots Spillover - More Shop Songs

Here are some more shops about songs.

I mean songs about shops.

Blur - Top Man

Madonna - Body Shop

Fasten Seatbelt - French Connection

Pavement - Date w/ IKEA

Monsters Of Folk - His Master's Voice

Linda Ronstadt - Lush Life

Dean Friedman - Lakelands

The Delgados - Thirteen Gliding Principles

Neil Young - Safeway Cart

Saint Etienne - Do It All

Department S - Somewhere Between Heaven And Tesco's

Again Again - Co-Optimist

Confetti - River Island

Ride - Chelsea Girl

And, of course...

There's a man with a mullet

Going mad with a mallet

In Millet's

Snapshots #418: Left Right Left Right Songs!

Atten-shun!

Sergeant Ernie is here to give you all this week's answers and I want you all to march in time while you listen to him. Left right, left right, left right...

15. The store just before the T-junction

Department store. S is just before T.

Department S - Going Left Right

14. The smaller store next door?

A smaller version of a department store might be a corner shop.

Cornershop - Sleep On The Left Side

13. Tear sleeve to reveal this record.

‘Tear sleeve’ is an anagram of Steve Earle

Steve Earle - Devil's Right Hand

12. What happens when you put a duck in a microwave? 

What happens when you put a duck in a microwave? Its bill withers. I knew that terrible joke would come in handy one day.

Bill Withers - I Can’t Write Left Handed

11.  Losing their tails makes crustaceans bob.

A crayfish is a crustacean. Without its tail its just a Cray. Bob is short for Robert. 

Robert Cray - Right Next Door (Because Of Me)

10. Leonard’s muse, Alan’s relative?

Leonard Cohen wrote songs for Suzanne;  Alan Vega was in Suicide.

Suzanne Vega - Left Of Centre

9. From girls’ magazine to women’s movement.

Alyson can vouch that Jackie was a girls’ magazine. Mittoo sounds a bit like #MeToo. 

Jackie Mittoo - Right Track

8. A consumer of stallions.

She’s a sire eater. A twisted sire eater. Although it is considered acceptable in France and Belgium.

Syreeta - I'm Going Left

7. This will get you barred.

“Any Trouble and you’re barred” is a phrase used by publicans the world over. 

Any Trouble - Girls Are Always Right

6. The Tate? I’m a fan!

Tate & Lyle Golden Syrup? Love it!

Lyle Lovett - La To The Left

5. Pale in Wales.

Barry is a town in Wales and at least according to Procol Harum white is a shade of pale.

Barry White - Sho' You Right

Or you could have had...

Barry White - The Right Night

4. Thrower puts off batsman.

Percy Thrower was an old school gardener and broadcaster. Sledging in cricket is trying to put the batsman off by insulting them as they prepare to face a delivery. Also found in other sports e.g. the behaviour of the dastardly American fans in the recent Ryder Cup.  

Percy Sledge - Out Of Left Field

3. Sweet, sticky styling tools.

Combs made of honey would be sticky (as would combs made of Tate & Lyle Golden Syrup but that doesn’t work in this clue).

The Honeycombs - Have I The Right?

2. Just the job for an unhappy renter.

Unhappy renter = low tenant. Chris Lowe + Neil Tennant = Pet Shop Boys

Pet Shop Boys - Left To My Own Devices

(And yes, I'm convinced Ernie only included the Pet Shop Boys because knows George hates them!)

1. Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous lads.

Scottish readers will instantly recognise the quote from the opening lines of ‘To A Mouse’ by Robert Burns: “Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie”. With this and Jackie magazine I’m virtually handing the prize to Alyson.

Beatie Boys - (You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)

Thanks again, Ernie - you saved my life this week as I'd spent so much time on the Cancel Culture Club, I was struggling to find time for Snapshots.

Normal - and far less imaginative - service will be restored next Saturday.

 

Emergency Questions #11: Heavenly Age

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?

Summer's over and the time is right to bring back some of the ongoing series I abandoned just prior to my holiday from teaching (aka the Exhaustion Weeks). It's a cliché that I go back to work for a rest, but... 

Kevin Rowland - Age Can't Wither You

As usual, I'm stealing another query from Richard Herring's book EMERGENCY QUESTIONS and trying to answer it with added songs. Here's today's question...

What age would you like to be when you get to heaven, presuming there is a heaven and you get to choose what age you'll be when you're up there?

Ernest Tubb - It's The Age That Makes The Difference

Putting aside whether or not we believe in any kind of afterlife, this is a thought-provoking question. If we're lucky enough to live to an old age, we wouldn't want to be stuck at that age, for eternity, with all the frailties, disabilities and marble loss that might come with it. We'd want to be young and strong and ready to take best advantage of our nirvana...

New Order - Age Of Consent

Would we want then to spend immortality reliving the "best years of our lives"? Oh, to be 16 again...  

Hello Saferide - X Telling Me About The Loss Of Something Dear, At Age 16

No thank you very much. I wouldn't mind going back and reliving a good day of my adolescence, safe in the knowledge that I could return to where I am right now before the bad days kick in. Because I did have a good many bad days as a teenager, days of self-doubt, embarrassment, humiliation days and crushing loneliness. 

Joe Jackson - Awkward Age

Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

What about my twenties then? When I was a bit more grown up? And even more messed up...

Pet Shop Boys - Twenty Something

Taylor Swift - 22

Probably not. 

In my thirties, maybe then I finally got a handle on this thing called life... though I still didn't feel like a proper grown-up. (Still don't.) 

Aimee Man - 31 Today

In answer to Rich's question then, I'd probably choose to be mid-30s. Some time just before I fell down the stairs and broke my arm, also causing a slipped disc in my back which still bothers me today. Some time before the aches and pains set in... 

Willie Nelson - Don't Be Ashamed Of Your Age

Department S - Age Concern

I realise I'm a bit unusual though. Maybe you would choose to be 16 forever... or 21... or even 7?

What age would you pick to live out the hereafter?

Saturday Snapshots #50 - The Answers

Welcome, creeps and weirdoes, to the answers to yesterday's Saturday Snapshots. Oh, don't be such a Paranoid Android - I wasn't talking about you!

Thank you all for playing along, and for your nice comments about Saturday Snapshots. Alyson returned to take the victory with some excellent detective work this week. 

Here are the answers. No surprises here...

20. Vigorous bloke wins lottery.

Vigour is verve.

A lucky man would win the lottery.

The Verve - Lucky Man

19. Exciting experiences with no adverts! Slow down.

Exciting experiences would be adventures, minus the ads.

The Ventures - Walk Don't Run

18. Vocal coaches for everyone! We've just started looking.

The New Seekers - I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing

(Yes, I went there.)

17. Would you rather study the early days of the Hebrides... or see an Olivia Newton-John movie?

The Mull Historical Society - Watching Xanadu

16. Are you fond of my curves?

The Contours - Do You Love Me?

15. That baked helianthus is as old as Taylor Swift.

A helianthus is a sunflower.

Baked beans.

Taylor Swift sang about being 22.

Sunflower Bean - Twentytwo

14. WWI soldier discovers ska punk and gets the number for one of Brandon Flowers' friends.

WWI soldiers were Tommies.

Ska-punk was Two-Tone.

The Killers (Brandon Flowers) sang Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine.

Tommy Tutone - 867-5309 / Jenny

13. Grisly ghouls from every tomb get canonised with paracetamol.

Vincent Price famously rapped about "grisly ghouls from every tomb" in Thriller.

Saints get canonised.

Paracetamol are pills.

St. Vincent - Pills

12. Bloody cheek - coming over here, desperately needing the loo!

Bloody foreigners!

Foreigner - Urgent

11. Peter Wyngarde tries to find the Vapour Rub at work.

Peter Wyngarde was Jason King who worked for Department S.

Vicks make Vapour Rub.

Department S - Is Vic There?

10. Smash a window with a big piece of chicken.

Superchunk - Break The Glass

9. White walrus attacks blokes saying hi on a Rio beach.

Barry White was The Walrus of Love.

Blokes saying hi would be Man-ello!

A beach in Rio is the Copacabana.

Barry Manilow - Copacabana

8. Lad from London tries to remember his pincode. May an early year of rock 'n' roll help?

A lad from London would be a City Boy.

An early year of rock n roll = 57. May = 05.

City Boy - 5705

7. Chubby Checker's relative refuses to put up with all that dancing anymore.

Chubby Checker's dance was The Twist.

His relative is his sister.

If she refuses to put up with it...

Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It

6. 12 years of hard labour brightens up the capital.

12 years a slave.

The Slaves - Cheer Up, London!

(It's a toss up for Video of the Week between this and Twisted Sister.)

5. Lee Harvey Oswald gets chivalrous all across the States.

Lee Harvey Oswald claimed he was a patsy.

Chivalrous = gallant.

Patsy Gallant - From New York To LA

4. Stomach ache caused by a late encounter with Jerry Dammers.

Stomach ache would feel like a lead belly.

Jerry Dammers was in the Specials.

Leadbelly - The Midnight Special

3. A bunch of converted apostles get surrounded by water.

The Brady Bunch.

Paul was a converted apostle.

Islands are surrounded by water.

Paul Brady - The Island

2. Emergency treatment for cloudy optimists.

First Aid Kit - My Silver Lining

1. Redial Tim - he's all confused by the lack of action.

Redial Tim is an anagram.



More next week... Karma Police permitting.

My Top Ten Telephone Call Songs

You may have spotted a recurring theme over the last few weeks... There were far too many telephone songs for one Top Ten, so I've tried to group them into some more specific categories. (I know, I spend far too much of my life thinking about this, don't I?)

Anyway, here's ten songs that feature actual telephone conversations... mostly.


10. Meri Wilson - Telephone Man

By popular demand... honest.

Look, she's gossiping on the phone in the video. It fits here as well as it would in any of my other phone-based Top Tens. Let's just get it out of the way, shall we?

9. Shelby Lynne - Telephone

I never really thought you would answer.
Now it's a big blown up thing.
I wish you hadn't been at home when the telephone rang.
When the telephone rang.

8. The Wedding Present - It's For You

David Gedge gets well pissed off when his girlfriend's ex keeps calling up...

No, it’s for you but then you didn’t need me to say that
‘Cos you already knew, how many times is it today that
He’s had to call? 
It’s as if you’re still together
I don’t care at all, 
I’m just wondering whether
You think you and he will ever run out
Of things that you have to talk about?

7. Jonathan Richman -  I'm Straight

Jonathan has seen the object of his affections hanging round with that loser Hippy Johnny... so he calls her up and offers to take his place. Hippy Johnny's always stoned... but Jonathan's straight. Honest.

6.  The Dead Kennedys - Kinky Sex Makes the World Go Round

In which the US Secretary of War calls up the British PM and outlines his plans for a nice war. This was released in the mid-80s... a decade or so later, Tony Blair took the very same call for real.

5. REM - Star 69

There's a lesson here - don't call Michael Stipe without leaving a message. He'll know it was you... and call back, mad as a box of frogs.

I know all about the warehouse fire
I know squirrelies didn't chew the wires
Three people have my number
The other two were with me.
I don't like to tell-tell but I'm not your patsy.
This time you have gone too far with me.

If you're in the UK and you want to know who just called you, you may try 1471 by Arab Strap. I can't find a link to that though.

Still, having included both *69 and Arab Strap in the same post, I'm bound to get a few more hits...

4. Billy Joel - Sometimes A Fantasy

Haunted by a schizophrenic badboy version of himself, Billy (or is that Sly Stallone?) calls up his girlfriend in the middle of the night... the symbolism suggests a heavy bout of phone sex... but then again, it might all be in his head.

I used to like this song... having now watched the video for the first time, it scares the hell out of me. 

3. Department S - Is Vic There?

No, he's out, sorry.

Call back later.

2. Lou Reed - New York Telephone Conversation

Lou gets woken up by the phone... and a most inane conversation follows.

1. The Big Bopper - Chantilly Lace

"Hellllloooooo, baby!"

The only thing I really knew about the Big Bopper was that he recorded this excellent rock 'n' roll song (used to great effect in Tarantino's True Romance) and that he died in the same plane crash as Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens. The one thing I didn't know about The Big Bopper was that he was a white guy who looked like Peter Parker's old school bully, Flash Thompson. With a voice like that, I always pictured a black Fats Domino type... and I see from youtube that I wasn't alone in that misapprehension.




I have still got a few telephone songs to feature, but they'll have to wait a while. Meantime, which call would you take... and which one would you let go to the ansaphone?