Celebrity Jukebox #67: Brigitte Bardot (Part 1)

Of all the celebrities featured in the Jukebox since it began, Brigitte Bardot must surely be one with the most songs written about her. So much so, I've no chance of squeezing them all into one post.

It's ironic then that I know very little about Bardot beyond her iconography. Despite being quite the cinephile in my younger days, I'm not even sure I've ever seen one of her films. Clearly I need a crash course in Bardot. Let's see what I can learn from her many, many fans...

Let's start with another Wild Thing - Mr. Chip Taylor. He usually knows what he's talking about...

And the moving pictures move in sexy ways

These days

Son, lay low

Don't go...

To see Bardot

If I heed Chip's warning, this post won't go any further. 

Maybe I'll ask Chrissie Hynde...

When love walks in the room

Everybody stand up

Oh, it's good, good, good

Like Brigitte Bardot

The Pretenders - Message Of Love

Let's see what a Big Jessie thinks of Ms. B...

And if you use your...use your 'magination,

Baby, I dance jus' like Brigitte Bardot.

Joshua Kadison - Jus' Like Brigitte Bardot

Next, a California band who are obviously Francophiles...

Summer nights in Saint-Tropez

All the charlatans game play

I saw Brigitte Bardot

In a blue shuttered window

SSQ - I Saw Brigitte Bardot

What about old Grumpy Pants? What has he got to say for himself?

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop

It's President Kennedy callin' me up

He said, My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?

I said my friend, John, Brigitte Bardot!

Everyone's got an opinion on this lady - even the fleas!

Well, the doggie went to see a show

And there he saw Brigitte Bardot

The naughty flea said, "What a feast!

She really is a delicious beast."

Miriam Makeba - The Naughty Little Flea

From a Flea to a Fish...

The surgeon checks your plastic on the telephone

A Casio concerto entertains you while you hold

Your credit rating's good for a Madonna or a Bardot

A Dali or Picasso for his wall

Fish - Big Wedge

And what about the Ants?

What had passed the night before

Room 1206 on the floor

Beautiful, his Bardot

And though he's spoiled

She likes him so

Adam Ant - Montreal

And Lloyd, of course, loves his old movie stars...

Julie got a facelift you know she's only 33

Jesus, may I give thanks to Brigitte Bardot

Lloyd Cole - The Steady Slowing Down of the Heart

From Lloyd to Laurie...

Brigitte Bardot's toes

Turning the taps on the bubble bath

Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini

Diane Keaton’s laugh

Audrey Hepburn in her pyjamas

Anne in 'Day of Wrath’

Oh, they are nothing

Oh, they are nothing

But just Technicolor stills

Passing cinematic thrills

Oh, yeah, you are the one for whom I reserve chills

Laurie Shaw - Comparative Essay

...to Little Feat...

She used to model as a child

With Bardot's looks and Gigi's laughter

Enfant terrible creation

Of a sockless adman's mind

Little Feat - The Ingenue

Liz?

And I was pretending that I was in

A Galaxie 500 video

The stewardess came back and checked on my drink

In the last strings of sunlight, a Brigitte Bardot

'Cause I had on my headphones along with those eyes

That you get when your circumstance is movie-sized

Liz Phair - Stratford On Guy

Is that enough for today?

One more?

How about Mr. Gedge... and Terry de Castro?

You don't have to flirt with everyone just because you can

You're like Brigitte Bardot in 'And God Created Woman'

You know exactly what I mean

Your behavior borders on the obscene

In terms of jukebox tunes, Brigitte Bardot is the gift that keeps on giving.

More of these next week.

Snapshots #411: Songs About Minor Ailments

Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.

15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.  

The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.

Roger Miller - Lou's Got The Flu 

14. After The Funeral.

The Wake - Heartburn

13. Rebellious Jews.

Check your history books.

The Maccabees - Sore Throat

12. They do not own a copy of that George Michael single.

They are without a copy of Faith.

Faithless - Insomnia

11. Man with the News: Tickling the ivories leads to the Cure.

Huey Lewis was the man with The News. Robert Smith has The Cure.

Huey 'Piano' Smith - Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu Pt. 1

10. I've a mind to let this group make my decisions for me.

A Hive Mind?

The Hives - Constipation

9. ET's friend in a box likes to take long walks with Blind Boy Grunt.

ET's friend was Elliot. Jack in a box. Long walks would be rambling. Blind Boy Grunt was another alias of Robert Zimmerman.

Ramblin' Jack Elliott & Bob Dylan - Acne

8. The entirety & the whole shebang.

Everything Everything - Cough Cough

7. Sue Pollard and tough guy Marvin.

Sue Pollard was Peggy. Lee Marvin was the tough guy.

Peggy Lee - Fever

6. "I'm listening" to the catchiest part of the song.

"I'm listening," was the catchphrase of Dr. Frazier Crane. The catchiest part of the song is usually the chorus.

Frazier Chorus - Born With A Headache 

5. Sodding Teri has me all over the place.

"Sodding Teri" was an anagram.

Otis Redding - I'm Sick Y'All

4. Goes with Delaney & The Creator.

Delaney & Bonnie... Tyler The Creator.

Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache

3. A bumpy journey through space.

Cosmic Rough Riders - The Pain Inside

2. Two thousand.

CC are the Roman Numerals for 200. Multiply that by 10.

10cc - You've Got A Cold

At a pinch, you might have had...

Graham Gouldman - Sunburn

1.Found inside notorious dynamos.

NoTORIous dynAMOS.

Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze

Get well soon - hopefully you'll be back to full health by next Saturday, in time for more of this nonsense.

Emergency Questions #9: New Laws

The Hives - The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime

Another conversation query from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Where do we begin? Perhaps by asking a couple of pop stars what laws they might institute...

There oughta be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man

You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration

Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

As for myself...

Ian McNabb - There Oughta be a Law

The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.

And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?

Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)

Kris Kristofferson - The Law Is For Protection Of The People

Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.

Mickey & Sylvia - There Oughta Be A Law

And what about a law to outlaw anyone I can't stand? 

Bono. The Gallaghers. Michael McIntyre. 

When I am king, to quote Radiohead, you will be first against the wall...

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Not to mention the ones for whom - I'm sorry - a firing squad is too good.

Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Nigel Farage. Andrew Tate.

I hope there's plenty of room in that Suffolk ditch...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Snapshots Spillover: More Musical Maths

A few more musical equations left over from this weekend's Maths test...

We start with the lead singer of the Quireboys.

No - wait - come back! His solo work might surprise you...

Ginger Wildheart - Minus You

Next, the obvious one... which I would have included were it not for the fact that I'm running out of clues to help you guess Radiohead...

Radiohead 2+2=5

I'm guessing George might ask them to show their working on that one. 

And then there's this much-covered song from Mr. Zimmerman...

Bob Dylan - Love Minus Zero

And old KK has an interesting way of calculating what year he's living in...

Kris Kristofferson - The Year 2000 Minus 25

I suppose this one from Mr. Morrison might have scraped in too...

The Doors - Love Me Two Times

While George and Melba might need to ask for more paper to show their working...

George Jones & Melba Montgomery - Multiply The Heartaches

The opposite of that is probably...

The Grass Roots - Two Divided By Love 

We'll close today with an equation that probably belongs more in a Physics lesson than Maths, but it's still a great listen...

Listening Post #23: Somebody's Knocking

The new "single" by Mattiel caught my attention, though I didn't realise it was a cover version. Mattiel appears to have split from her longtime producer Jonah Swilley, so this new one is credited to Mattiel and Troy Stains... which sounds to me like something you'd clean off your wooden horse. No offence, Troy.

The original, it turns out, was a country hit back in the early 80s for Terri Gibbs... and it's just as good / even better (depending on your mileage) as Mattiel's version.

Terri Gibbs - Somebody's Knockin'

Mattiel's version is backed up with a nice laid back cover of one of my favourite Bob songs. On the b-side, if this was the old days...

Mattiel - Tonight I'll Be Staying Here With You

Snapshots #380: A Top Twelve Songs About American Automobiles

Here are this week's answers, with a Lincoln at the top of the page.

I really wanted to include this... but it would have been just too obvious.

Commander Cody and His Lost Planet Airmen - Hot Rod Lincoln

Here's the ones that were a little less obvious...

12. Lennon's Candyman. 

Sammy (Davis Jr.)? He belongs to John. 

Sammy Johns - Chevy Van

11. Crocodile, crocodile... I'm a big fan!

Lyle Lyle Crocodile! Love it!

Lyle Lovett - Pontiac

10. Take a journey across Grandaddy's lake.

Grandaddy had a Crystal Lake. Take a trip!

Crystal Trip - Stingray

9. Pull to slow your descent.

The Rip Chords - Hey Little Cobra

8. Follows Ray Parker into the All Terrain Armoured Transport. Sirius, Polaris, Antares.

Ray Parker is followed by Jr. The All Terrain Armoured Transport was also known as a Walker, as Star Wars fans will know. Sirius, Polaris and Antares are all stars.

JR Walker & The All Stars - (I’m a) Road Runner

7. Groundhog: wood... seer. 

A groundhog is also known as a woodCHUCK. A seer is a prophet.

Chuck Prophet - Ford Econoline

6. Sean & Julian.

Second Lennon clue of the day. Sean and Julian are John's children.

John's Children - Mustang Ford

5. Bald, bony, rather confused fella.

"Bald, bony" was an anagram.

Bob Dylan - From A Buick 6

4. Spring flowers (purple).

The March Violets - Eldorado

3. Cock-up at the Ministry of Defence.

Cock-up the MOD to make OMD...

OMD - Tesla Girls

2. Dark Side of the Dean.

Dark Side of The Moon meets Dean Martin.

Moon Martin - Cadillac Walk

1. One from the Spin Doctors.

The Spin Doctors sang about Two Princes.

Prince - Little Red Corvette

The Snapshots Drive-Thru will re-open next Saturday morning at 8.30...

Listening Post #1: Where's My Mojo?

I don't know where my blogging mojo has gone lately. I'm still enjoying the compilation of Snapshots and Namesakes, but anything beyond that just seems to take too much brain/soul-power. This is especially odd when you consider that just a few months ago, it felt like blogging was the only thing keeping me sane. Not that I feel any more sane now without it... 

Who do I blame for this lack on inspiration? Well, I'm not pointing any fingers, but Bob Dylan's Got A Lot To Answer For...

Snapshots #351: A Top Ten Hat Songs

Hats off to you if you identified all this week's artists... and worked out which hats they were wearing...

10. Corporal Hum is an enigma.

Corporal Hum is an anagram.

Procol Harum - Homburg

9. Discovered inside Electric Ladyland. 

Electric Ladyland. 

Bob Dylan - Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat

8. Take the skinheads for a nice mulligatawny.

Take the skinheads bowling... for soup!

Bowling For Soup - Trucker Hat

7. Merciless villain becomes an American citizen. 

Ming was Merciless, until he went to the US.

Charles Mingus - Goodbye, Pork Pie Hat

6. Pick up, before you get to Pace.

A pick up is a van. Hale 'n' Pace.

Van Halen - Panama

5. Sounds like you split up with a South African runner.

If Zola (Budd) became your ex, you would be...

Zolar X - I Pulled My Helmet Off

4. Don't get tangled up in a sticky romance.

"Sticky romance" was an anagram...

Arctic Monkeys - Balaclava

3. Kamadeva and Rati.

Kamadeva and Rati were the Hindu deities in charge of romance. 

Hindu Love Gods - Raspberry Beret

(That's Warren Zevon & REM... minus Michael... if you're wondering.)

2. Rexton Rawlston Fernando Gordon found the answer within.

Rexton Rawlston Fernando Gordon is the artist also known as ShABBA Ranks.

Abba - Put On Your White Sombrero

1. Even my vision is impaired... I'm losing my hair.

And those are lyrics from Just Like Fred Astaire by James.

The top hat had to be a Top Hat...

Fred Astaire - Top Hat, White Tie & Tails

A few more hats to try on before we go...

Billy Bragg & Wilco - Stetson Kennedy

James Moody - Trilby

Oysterband - The Sailor's Bonnet

And, of course,...

Steely Dan - The Fez

Throw your hats in the ring again next Saturday morning...

Title Fight #7: Your Worst Song Is Your Greatest Hit

We're back with some more song titles that caught my attention recently... and another pop star who likes watching grown men knock the crap out of each other. 

Mr. Zimmerman is a huge boxing fan: he was close to Muhammad Ali, wrote The Hurricane about the tragic story of Rubin Carter, and once even sparred with Ray 'Boom Boom' Mancini. He's also written a bunch of song titles that have passed into common parlance, though the misanthropes among us will always pick this as a favourite...

Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind

And now... how would you like your Egg?

Egg came from That London in the late 60s, featuring organist Dave Stewart (not that one), Hugo Martin Montgomery "Dirk" (or "Mont", depending on which way the wind was clowing) Campbell and Clive Brooks. They were Prog.

How Prog?

This Prog...

Egg - The Song Of McGillicudie The Pusillanimous (Or Don't Worry James, Your Socks Are Hanging In The Coal Cellar With Thomas)

I've been listening to quite a lot of Randy Newman lately. He just suits my mood...

Randy Newman - Sigmund Freud's Impersonation of Albert Einstein In America

After those two tracks, you may be thinking my definition of a good song title is one with lots of words in it. Do you know what I say to that idea?

The Name - Fuck Art (Let's Dance)

The Name were active between '79 and '81, though unsurprisingly, they failed to get much airplay for the single above, even when they changed the title to remove the swears. That might work for Cee-Lo, but sadly not these guys...

The Name - Forget Art, (Let's Dance)

After that, you probably need some religion. Please welcome the Reverend Peyton...

The Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band - Shake 'Em Off Like Fleas

As usual, we close with a brand new song. The Reds, Pinks & Purples are a band Martin brought to my attention recently, a band who clearly grew up listening to far too many records by The Smiths (as did Martin and I, to be fair). This is their latest offering, described thus:

"Crystalizing the tragic self-celebrating kingdoms of fortunate failures, false heroes, music press deities of limitless deceit, hometown dive gods and humanity in the grips of all its romanticized wonder and woe..."

But don't let that put you off, it's got a great title and a catchy tune...

TV On The Radio #22: Mr Bates Vs The Post Office

I was largely unaware of the story of Alan Bates and his fight to clear the names and reputations of hundreds of Post Office employees. The recent TV dramatisation starring Toby Jones came as quite the eye-opener... and I'm still reeling. It's the sort of story that proves reality can be far scarier than fiction. If it wasn't true, I wouldn't believe it. Surely there must have been...? Why didn't...? What sort of people...?  How could they...? 

Words fail me. 

Here are some songs that feature the Post Office. The warm and welcoming local high street institution that we all grew up with... not the evil, autonomous Mega-Corporation that took it over.

Robert Arthur "Tut" Taylor Sr. was a champion and preserver of old time bluegrass music who once sold a Hank Williams guitar to Neil Young. Here he reminds us of a Post Office to be proud of...

Buccaneer is from Jamaica, but his real name is Andrew Bradford. He was stuck in the Post Office back in 1994.

Buccaneer - Post Office

But here's a young man who still has a nice word about the Post Office, from just last year...

Mark Diamond - Post Office

Eminem's obsessive stalker, Stan, was aware of problems at the Post Office back in 2000 - but who'd listen to that nutter?

I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em

There probably was a problem at the Post Office or somethin'

Eminem - Stan

Bob Dylan also suspected something was afoot...

And I would send a message

To find out if she's talked

But the Post Office has been stolen

And the mailbox is locked

Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again

Of course, it's not the first time the Post Office has been accused of being involved in dubious practices. Look how they helped Waldo Jeffers!

By Friday afternoon, Waldo was set

He was thoroughly packed and the Post Office 

Had agreed to pick him up at three o'clock

Velvet Underground - The Gift

Meanwhile, Donald Glover puts his finger on the real problem - it's the Horizon software!

But no love for the son of a commuter who was a radio head

And okay at them computers at the post office

Childish Gambino - Hold You Down

Whereas Joel Plaskett is just so wrapped up in his own life, he's oblivious to this extraordinary scandal...

I was at the Post Office buying a stamp

Thinking that the girl behind the counter was "fine"

I said, "You think this'll get there by Friday, ma'am?"

She says, "I get off work at quarter past nine"

To be fair to Joel, he does at least appear aware of the IT issues...

Baby, if you wanna be

Out of the ordinary

You don't need technology!

The Joel Plaskett Emergency - Extraordinary

How many people lost their jobs as a result of this travesty? Hundreds? Thousands? Here's one right now...

I used to work at the Post Office...

Frank Zappa - You Are What You Is

And what about former Post Office boss (and former CBE) Paula Vennels? Any thoughts on her?

She worked in my Post Office

In my zip code, in my postal area

I don't think I should reveal her name...

Jens Lekman - Psychogirl

With all these accusations of wrong-doing to be found in popular song, how do the Post Office respond? With flat-out denials... Nothing Ever Happens!

Post office clerks put up signs saying 'position closed'

Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

And with so many documents pertaining to this enquiry conveniently lost, who knows what else they lost?

...the mailbox that contained the letter 

That was lost by the Post Office for 40 years

Happenin' to have been written by Albert Einstein

Pere Ubu - Postman Drove a Caddy

Lots of people believe the Post Office used to be the heart of the community...

A Catholic church, a Baptist church

Come Monday morning everyone got back to work

Post office and a bank where they knew my name

Smile and a thanks with my receipt and change

Norman Rockwell couldn't paint it any better

I thought this place would stay the same forever

Laura Cantrell - I'm Gonna Miss This Town

But in recent years, so many have been forced to close down...

Last year, they closed down the post office

Took the only flag we had in town

That old brick building still stands like a cenotaph

To a vision lost and buried in a very distant past

Cowboy Junkies - The Last Spike

I'll tell you, all this has proved most upsetting to one of our greatest punk icons...

I'm searching for your beat

Black sister, stony beat

Post office freaks her out

Shock to me, come on out

Thurston Moore - Patti Smith Math Scratch

As soon as I started thinking about songs featuring the Post Office, two sprang immediately to mind. The first is just a mondegreen though. Still, if Michael really was singing...

Keep on to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough

...then there wouldn't be a better song to support Alan Bates's 20+ year fight.

Michael Jackson - Don’t Stop 'Til You Get Enough

At the front of my queue though, it was always going to be this little number from The Courteeners...

What took you so long?

Was there a queue at the post office?

Yep. A queue of rightfully aggrieved postmasters still waiting for their compensation...

Time To Make The Gravy

I never see much point in writing a blog post for Christmas Day - I'm sure you've all got far better things to do with your time than read my inane ramblings. Still, I would like to thank you all for putting up with this drivel for another year. You're a very special bunch. I hope you have the Christmas you deserve.

Here are some Christmas songs I'm not yet sick of, starting with Rhett Miller's band, The Old 97s, who made a surprising guest appearance in last year's Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special on Disney+. 

If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head

But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower

They also do a song with Kevin Bacon, because who wouldn't want to do a song with Kevin Bacon if they got the chance?

The Old 97s & Kevin Bacon - Here It Is Christmastime

BBC Radio Scotland DJ Ian Anderson plays Australian songwriter Paul Kelly's How To Make Gravy every year at this time. It's about a convict writing a letter home to his family at Christmas and it's become a firm favourite.

Now here's his Bobness with his madcap cover of Mitch Miller's festive tune from 1960...

Andy Burrows & Tom Smith made one of my favourite Christmas albums in 2011. The post-relevant NME gave it 1/10 which makes it a winner in my book. 

Finally, the best Christmas song ever written by The Handsome Family...