Teacher Songs #8: The Return Of Mrs. Tebb

I've written about Mrs. Tebb before.

She was the primary teacher, you may recall, who insisted I drink my free school milk even when I told her I didn't drink milk because it made me throw up. And Mrs. Kaye never made me drink it last year! "Drink your milk," ordered Mrs. Tebb. 

So I did. And I threw up.

The Beach Boys - Be True To Your School 

Maybe this set the tone of our relationship and explained why Mrs. Tebb didn't like me for the rest of the year. She thought she knew better than a 7 year old, but actually... guess what, Mrs. Tebb... sometimes you don't.

The Lemon Twigs - The Student Becomes The Teacher

Then last week, while discussing knocking down walls in Emergency Questions, Alyson jogged my memory about another incident - one in which I was far more culpable - which cemented the animosity Mrs. Tebb felt towards me. The time I pushed Andrew Lodge through the classroom wall.

I'm pretty sure it was Andrew Lodge, but I might be wrong about that. Either way, my apologies to him. And my apologies for the time that he attended my birthday party and I threw a dart in his eye, almost blinding him. Believe it or not, Andrew Lodge was a good mate of mine in junior school. But these things happened. 

Supertramp - School

Mrs. Tebb didn't have a classroom in the main school. She taught her class in a portacabin out in the school garden. It was a very nice portacabin in a very nice garden (we had school chickens too, provided by my mate Simon, whose dad was a chicken farmer). Far be it from me to suggest that the Head had arranged it that way to keep Mrs. Tebb away from Gen-Pop... or the other teachers... but if he had done that, I could easily understand why.

Jim Bob - The School Is Not The Building (It's The Children)

Anyway, as you entered the portacabin, there was a small cloak room, then a door that led into the main classroom. One morning, I was messing around with Andrew Lodge (or someone else whose name has been lost to antiquity, but Andrew Lodge is taking his place), playfighting, and... y'know, I had a bit of a temper when I was a kid, and maybe things got a bit out of hand... so I pushed Andrew Lodge straight through the cloakroom wall (which to be fair, was obviously made of an amalgam of tissue paper and spit) and into Mrs. Tebb's store-room. 

Looking back, I'm starting to understand why Mrs. Tebb didn't like me. She was never going to teach me love, to quote Rockpile...

My Top Ten Writing A Novel Songs

As you'll notice if you turn your eyes a few centimetres to the right of this post, my novel I Wish, Wish, Wish You Were Dead, Dead, Dead is finally available for download to your kindle, tablet or e-book reading device of your choice. (With thanks to Davey for the smashing cover.)

Any excuse for a Top Ten...


10. Fryars - Novelist's Wife

There are a lot of unhappy novelists out there...

9. Paul Simon - Rewrite

We write. Then we rewrite. Then we rewrite some more. There comes a point you have to stop working on the rewrite and just let your book go...

8. Lloyd Cole - Writer's Retreat

Lloyd's lady spends more time on her book than with him. He's not sticking around...

You can get a beat from a broken heart
You could write the book while falling apart
You can have it all save the one you want
Going for a song

7. Teddy Thompson - Jonathan's Book

Jonathan gives up his life for his writing... but he's hardly Shakespeare.

He says, I don't have any inspiration
And my subject matter lacks invention
If I only had an opening line
Then I'm sure the rest would turn out fine

6. Harry Connick Jr. - I Could Write a Book

Perhaps more memorably recorded by Frank, Ella and Miles... but I have a soft spot for Harry's version from When (another) Harry Met Sally.

5. Rockpile - When I Write The Book

 Nick Lowe and Dave Edmunds write a thousand words a day...

4. The Beatles - Paperback Writer

Every time I send off a submission letter, I think of this lyric...

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?

Every time I receive a rejection letter, I think if this one...

If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer.

That's why it's good to finally see my book published without any more rejections. At least someone might read it now!

3.  The Beautiful South - My Book

Already included in my Top Ten Diary Songs, but too good not to squeeze in here too. One of Paul Heaton's best.

This is my life and this is how it reads
For every chapter, a thousand memories
A murder, a mystery where everybody bleeds
A fantasy, a thriller with romance and disease

2. Father John Misty - I'm Writing A Novel

Breaking out of the Fleet Foxes proved an excellent move for Father John. His debut album was a cracker, and this was my favourite track on it.

I'm writing a novel...
Because it's never been done before (!)  

1. Elvis Costello - Every Day I Write The Book

Don't tell me you don't know what love is
When you're old enough to know better
When you find strange hands in your sweater
When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
I'm a man with a mission, in two or three editions

There's no better written song on this list. Costello should have been a novelist (too).




Which one has pride of place on your bookshelf?