Tuesday 29 March 2022

Conversations With Ben #27: Mocking The Elderly

Ben: Same age as you.

Rol: Thank you for that reminder. I'll be more careful with the drugs.

I think you need to move over to some downers. Balance it out.

I'm pretty good at handling the down part without chemical assistance.

This is what Ben sent me for my birthday. 
Along with a card that read "Old Man Like Old Man Music."

Thank you for the present, by the way, but you shouldn't mock the elderly.

The irony is, I still think of Britpop as modern music.

Old man.

I'm not sure even I have heard of some of the bands on those cards. Whiteout!?!

Question for you...

Pulled Apart By Horses. Trampled By Turtles. Can you think of any other bands that are named after getting hurt or killed by animals?

Here's a better one for you.

List of bands where if a person said they were their favourite you'd be suspicious of them.


If someone said Simply Red were their favourite band, you'd think that they just hadn't really listened to much music.

They're a good band.

But even their Greatest Hits has some filler on there and compared to other bands they have limited deep cuts.

Also... Creed.

Chas and Dave.

Fine Young Cannibals.

The Breeders.

Wang Chung?

First, Simply Red are awful.

And Mick Hucknall is a tool.

Second, this reminds me of the I Just Called To Say I Love You bit in High Fidelity.

If someone told me Chas & Dave were their favourite band, I'd just think they must be a Cockney.

And at least they haven't fallen for Damon Albarn's sham.

I got a free ticket to see The Good The Bad and The Queen a number of years ago. Second most boring concert I've been to. And it would have been the most boring for most people but the most boring was a niche one. Second time seeing Godspeed! You Black Emperor. The first time is interesting and a novelty but it's a one and done thing.

In the list of Damon Albarn's crimes, being dull and sanctimonious for the last 20 years ranks much higher than 5 years of pretending to be a Cockney scamp, guvnor

Would you trust someone to babysit Sam if they said Think Tank was their favourite Blur album?

I wouldn't even let them in my house.

Louise's old boss loved Hue & Cry. He got them to play live at his 50th. Apparently they hate each other and argued the whole time.

Other than Ordinary Angel and Looking for Linda, what else have they got, really?

You forgot their big hit! 

Ben sends a photograph of his newly-mowed lawn.

Now I feel like drinking a beer in the middle of the week and watching football.

Why are you mowing grass that hasn't yet started growing?

It was knee height.

To a grasshopper.

Shut up

Am man now.

Drink Carling.

Tell Mrs. Ben there be trouble if tea not ready.

Watch futkik.

Get mad when Team A beat Team B.

I think you're more middle aged than macho man.

Am man!

Listen to Oasis.

And Kaiser Chiefs.

Give you a thump.

Finally get Mrs Brown's Boys.

Is funny coz man in dress.

Is this the first time you've ever experienced manual labour?

I used to be quite literally a site labourer.

And I'm using my ex-workmates as influence for this character.


Shurrup, soft lad.

One time back when I worked in radio, a colleague of mine had driven to work in really bad snow and basically dumped his car in a snow drift outside the building. Later that night we looked out to see if it was still snowing, and there was some random bloke sat in his car. We went out to ask him what the hell he was doing, and he said:

"I was cold. And I don't work in a fancy radio station like you guys. I'm a manual labourer. Look at my manual labourer's hands! Look, I've got calluses and everything!"

That sounds genuinely terrifying.

It was. But also kind of surreal. In the end, he just buggered off.

Are you sure he hadn't escaped from the local psych ward?

It was Bradford. Most people in Bradford have escaped from some kind of institution, or are on their way into one.

Have you seen that Anti Racist baby is in the news?

Ted Cruz went on a rant about it as a black judge was elected to the Supreme court.

Well, I guess it'll sell a shitload more copies now. I'll have that first edition back that I gave you for your birthday.

Heard the new Craig Finn song?


It's good.

Yes. It is. 

Seriously though... how are you?

Well, I've not died a drug overdose yet... or been punched by Will Smith. So I guess I'm doing better than a lot of 50-somethings...

I can't believe you've listened to Simply Red's Greatest Hits all the way through.

Sunday 27 March 2022

Snapshots #233: A Top Ten Devil Songs

I guess I put the clocks way too far forward this week.

The Devil made me do it... 

10. King gets hump at mailman.

I'll let Cliff's biggest fan, Charity Chic, explain this one...

"King Richard had a humpy back and Cliff from Cheers was a mailman."

9. Leo? Gemini? Yuk!


8. Don't jump these guys, or they'll blow you away.

Don't jump the Gun...

(60s band. Not to be confused with the 90s band of the same name.)

7. Whereas these guys can come true.

Pretty obscure, this bunch, to be fair.

6. When Midge left, he took the Boy's Club with him. 

Take away Ure and the Club from Boy George's band and all you have left is...

5. Your hair is beautiful, cock.

"Your hair is beautiful" is a line from Atomic.

4. Over the top.

3. Cover the tea, Enoch.

You cover the tea with a cosy, Enoch Powell.

2. Anytime loos.


1. Cocaine and Jack.

Cocaine is Charlie, Jack is Daniels.

I'll try to be a bit more organised next week.

Saturday 26 March 2022

Saturday Snapshots #233

I almost didn't have time to do a new Snapshots quiz for you this week... but I didn't want to ruin your Saturday morning, so I stayed up late concocting this bad bunch.

You know the rules by now...

10. King gets hump at mailman.

9. Leo? Gemini? Yuk!

8. Don't jump these guys, or they'll blow you away.

7. Whereas these guys can come true.

6. When Midge left, he took the Boy's Club with him. 

5. Your hair is beautiful, cock.

4. Over the top.

3. Cover the tea, Enoch.

2. Anytime loos.

1. Cocaine and Jack.

Answers tomorrow. If I find the time. I doubt you'll need them...

Monday 21 March 2022

Memory Mixtape #14: Moonrise

To celebrate my 50th, we stayed in a cottage on the cliffs north of Scarborough. On both Friday and Saturday night, the moon rose out of the North Sea and the result was truly magical. These pictures don't do it justice, but the memory will stay with me forever. Not a bad way to mark the passing of time, and all of its sickening crimes...

Sunday 20 March 2022

Snapshots #232: A Top Ten Fifty Songs

Now that I am 50, I no longer need to pretend to be down wiv da kidz. Still, it makes me feel slightly better to know that Curtis 'Fiddy Cent' Jackson is only three years behind me. Snoop Dogg turn 50 last year. And Eminem will be 50 in October! 

Despite being 50, I only have ten answers for you today...

10. No, your bum doesn't look big in those jeans. And I love what you've done with your hair.

They're all White Lies.

White Lies - Fifty On Our Foreheads

9. Les Enfants Terribles.

Written by Jean Cocteau.

The Cocteau Twins - Fifty-Fifty Clown

8. Holy onomatopoeia, Batman!

Biff Bang Pow! - Fifty Years Of Fun

7. Duchess meets two former presidents.

Kate is the Duchess, Bushes were the presidents.

Kate Bush - Fifty Words For Snow

6. Undergrounds.

The Tubes - Attack Of The Fifty Foot Woman

5. Scouts and capitalists.

Venture Scouts or Venture Capitalists?

The Ventures - Hawaii Five-0

4. Main enema.

Unfortunate anagram.

Aimee Mann - Fifty Years After The Fair

3. Get the rope, Harry, and untangle it.

"Rope, Harry," was another angram.

Roy Harper - These Fifty Years

2. Catboy, Owlette and Gekko wear masks; Alex is Sensational without one.

Catboy, Owlette and Gekko are the PJ Masks. You've got to keep up on your kids cartoons.

The Sensational Alex... Harvey, of course.

PJ Harvey - 50 ft Queenie

1. When Owen Met Carly.

Owen Paul meet Carly Simon...

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me

Remember when we did the Hot 100 Countdown together? Seems like so long ago. Not quite fifty years, mind.

Anyway, more Snapshots next week. Unless I've taken early retirement.

Saturday 19 March 2022

Saturday Snapshots #232

I'm not here today because it is my birthday. And those of you who know will know that it is a very special birthday. So we've gone away for the weekend to celebrate it in style. Nowhere as glamorous as Hawaii, I'm afraid, just plain old Scarborough. Still, that's more my speed now that I'm getting on a bit...

Before I jetted off to the cote de North Sea, I prepared these ten clues as a special birthday gift from me to you. Enjoy...

10. No, your bum doesn't look big in those jeans. And I love what you've done with your hair.

9. Les Enfants Terribles.

8. Holy onomatopoeia, Batman!

7. Duchess meets two former presidents.

6. Undergrounds.

5. Scouts and capitalists.

4. Main enema.

3. Get the rope, Harry, and untangle it.

2. Catboy, Owlette and Gekko wear masks; Alex is Sensational without one.

1. When Owen Met Carly.

Lord, is that the time? Afraid you'll have to wait till tomorrow morning for the answers. Until then - book 'em, Danno!

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