As a follow-up to last week's post about there not being a lot of boys named Gary anymore, I promised to tackle girls' names next. And Sam was once again very helpful, particularly when this song popped up on an in-car mixtape...
Still one of Paul Heaton's finest hours, that - and I love the guest appearance by George Michael in the video.
Anyway, as the song played, Sam told me, "there's none of those girls in my school."
(I had to search for that one. Not enough songs about girls called Philippa. There was a Pippa in my 6th form. I fancied her. No chance. She went out with my mate Simon.)
So then, I hear you ask, if Sam doesn't go to school with any of the girls above... what are his female schoolmates called? Well, he knows at least five girls called...
As with the boys' names then, there's been another major shift in what parents are choosing to call their kids these days... and the most popular names are ones that would mostly have belonged to old people when I was a kid.
It's also highly unlikely that Marie will be the name of anyone's latest flame in Gen A... making all these old songs sound even more out of date.
We're back to flipping through Bertie The Dog's record collection. He only buys discs by people with Bert in their name...
My father is a doctor, he's a family man
My mother works for charity whenever she can
And they're both good clean Americans who abide by the law
And they both stick up for liberty and they both support the war
My happiness was paid for when they laid their money down
For summers in a summer camp and winters in the town
My future in the system was talked about and planned
But I gave it up for music and The Free Electric Band
Despite the lyrics of his only UK hit, Albert Hammond was born in London in 1944, shortly after his parents had been evacuated from Gibraltar.
Albert began his musical career aged just 16 with Gibraltarian band The Diamond Boys, but his first chart success came 6 years later, in 1966, with a Top Ten hit as part of...
He went on to enjoy a successful career as a solo musician, but I'm guessing he made most of his money as a songwriter. He's the writer or co-writer of a surprising range of hits from across the decades...
Quite a list. A great songwriter... though I'd argue he's not much cop as a weather man...
This Bertie's got an OBE, an Emmy, an Ivor Novello award and he's been inducted into the Songwriter's Hall of Fame. Though surely his greatest claim to fame is being mentioned in a Half Man Half Biscuit song...
Dragging my guitar round maternity ward
I was in search of the umbilical chord
But it was all in vain so I jumped on a train
And when I reached my home the kids were on the patio
Looking quite upset, so I asked them what was wrong
And they said: “Beware, there’s an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house in there
An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house
Some man who introduced himself as Stanley Rous came in
And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house”
No clues as to next week's Bertie. Those of you who are paying attention should be able to guess him.
(Don't even start me on the unforgivable "Your" / "You're" confusion.)
Can a bawdy joke spoil a great song?
This is the question I ask myself whenever I hear Dr. Hook's biggest hit. Because it's a great song - if you like that sort of thing, obviously, and growing up with Radio 2, I grew to love it - but the hokey pun innuendo soon outlived its welcome.
I was pretty certain I knew who wrote this song - but it turns out I was wrong. I was sure it must be another Shel Silverstein composition, given Shel wrote a number of Hook's hits, including their very best song...
Now that's a classic. Even if you don't care for Dr. Hook's particular brand of laid-back country pop, you have to at least appreciate the way Silverstein's desperate lyric is perfectly matched to Dennis Locorriere's plaintive vocals. I swear when he sings, "Please, Mrs. Avery," I feel his yearning right down to the tips of my toes. What a performance.
And it turns out Sylvia's Mother is a true story too - Shel was in love with a woman called Sylvia Pandolfi, but she ran off with another man and ended up as a curator at the Museo de Arte Carrillo Gil in Mexico City. Shel tried desperately to rekindle that romance, but the only contact he had for Sylvia was her mum, and she wasn't having any of it. Nowadays, she'd probably report him as a stalker. I guess "Please, Mrs. Pandolfi" didn't quite scan, so Avery it was. And Mrs. Avery became such a famous figure, she even inspired a sequel song from The Men They Couldn't Hang...
But I'm not here to write about Sylvia's Mother, am I? Let's get back to the song in question. The reason I figured When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman was a Shel Silverstein composition is that Shel was known for being a funny guy. As well as being able to break our hearts with songs like Sylvia's Mother and The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan, Shel wasn't afraid to write a song with a sense of humour. Like these...
You've got to admire the nerve of a man who can rhyme Loretta with Irish Setter, and then get Loretta Lynn to sing it. Silverstein was also responsible for another witty Dr. Hook hit, although it's one I have mixed feelings about...
Now the problem with this tune is the way the Hooksters laugh at their own jokes (or at Silverstein's jokes, anyway) as they sing them. Ironically, ...Rolling Stone is one of their only songs to feature Dr. Hook himself, Ray Sawyer, on lead vocals. Maybe that's part of the problem. Much as I wish to argue in favour of humour in pop songs, I have a problem with people who laugh at their own jokes. Now I've no problem with people laughing in songs, otherwise I wouldn't love this...
You hear Whitney giggling away (around 3'57" if you're in a rush) and you can tell she's genuinely having a good time. She's enjoying herself and having fun. The laughter is natural. Similarly, one of my favourite tracks by this up and coming pop hopeful...
Hey Stephen is a great "why are you wasting your time with those vain cheerleaders when I'm right here?" song, made even better by the line...
All those other girls, well, they're beautiful
But would they write a song for you?
The little chuckle Taylor gives after delivering those lines (approx. 2'50", busy folk) is priceless. And again, it feels genuine. Not so the self-congratulatory laughter in The Cover Of The Rolling Stone. I wish they'd played that song a little straighter. Or got Locorriere to sing it.
All of which brings us back to When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman (It's Hard), which I'm still surprised to learn wasn't written by Shel... except, maybe not so surprised the more I think of it, because Shel was classier than that. Further warning bells sound when you discover the song was actually written by Even Stevens. No, no Evan. Even.
Stevens - real first names Bruce Noel - is a man who appears to love a good pun. He's clearly got a sense of humour, as demonstrated below...
...although, hang on, they were both written by Shel Silverstein too. Clearly Even Stevens' own songwriting was influenced by Shel... but I can't help but think Shel would have stopped short of the innuendo that upends When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, a sleazy 70s sexual allusion that's only "bettered" by this...
That one was written by David Bellamy himself. Well, gwapple me gwapenuts!
Not that David Bellamy, obviously. I might look more kindly on it if it was. To be fair, at least innuendo is the whole point of If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body... there's not a better song trapped underneath, begging for your respect. It is what is is and seems quite happy that way.
My contention then is that When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman is a great song - especially the bridge, which is as heartfelt as anything Dennis Locorriere ever sang...
Maybe it's just an ego problem, problem is I've been fooled before
By fair-weathered friends and faint-hearted lovers
And every time it happens it just convinces me more
That's the bit I love. The bit that keeps me coming back to listen to this track again and again, the bit that gets me past the embarrassment of the smutty innuendo. (I particularly struggle with the "You know it's hard, you know it gets so hard" call-back - yeah, we get it, Even. No need to belt us over the head with it!)
Legend has it that Even Stevens followed Dr. Hook's manager into the studio bathroom to pitch this song. That says it all, really. If only he'd showed a little restraint... When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, It's Tough would have been much better, in my opinion. Or did this song only get to the top of the charts in the UK because of the lowest common denominator sales? If so, I hope Even Stevens sleeps soundly on his mattress stuffed with money, safe in the knowledge that he was one word away from writing a classic...
If you haven't watched The Bear, you're missing the best show on TV at the moment. I don't care if you haven't got Disney+ - get the trial offer and binge-watch the first two series. Do it now. Well, after you've finished reading this post anyway.
The Bear is about a chef who inherits the management of a busy Chicago sandwich shop after his brother commits suicide. He decides to turn it into an up-market restaurant, using the same staff who worked in the sandwich shop. It's a very tense show - it really gives you a feel for what it's like to work in a fast-paced food service environment (lots of shouting) - but it's also very funny. Lots of big name actors want to appear in it - Jamie Lee Curtis, Olivia Coleman, Will Poulter and Bob Odenkirk all pop up in Season 2 - clearly recognising the strength of the scripts. But something occurred to me while I was watching the most recent episodes... one of the show's main themes is mental health.
All the characters in The Bear are damaged in one way or another. Jeremy Allen White, who plays lead chef Carmen Berzatto, is an expert at showing inner turmoil with little more than a twitch of his brow. But the real star of the show for me is Ebon Moss-Bachrach who plays Carmy's cousin Ritchie, a character who quickly begins to feel out of his depth as his workplace transforms around him. Ritchie is full of bluster, but it masks a deep, deep insecurity. I have a lot of time for Ritchie, out of all the great characters in The Bear, he's the one I relate to the most.
The episode that really brought this home came midway through the second series. Sensing Ritchie's disquiet, Carmy sends him to work for a week in one of the top restaurants in the country. He starts by cleaning forks, a job he thinks beneath him, but by the end of the week, he's virtually running the restaurant floor. It's never explicitly stated in the script, but what happens over the course of that episode is that Ritchie learns to respect himself, and in doing so earns the respect of his colleagues. A grumpy, middle-aged man singing along to a Taylor Swift song has never sounded so sweet...
It's not a complete transformation: he's still Ritchie at heart. He just likes himself a little more, and finds a purpose and value in what he's doing. He commits to a change and he feels better because of it. A number of things in my life triggered this blog series, but I honestly think that this episode of The Bear was an epiphany. It made me realise I can't just sit around waiting for the world to change to make me happier. Instead, I have to change the way I see the world. If that sounds like bollocks, then yeah... I'd have thought the same thing a few months back. And maybe I still do, deep down. But I'm trying not to. And that's a start.
I've always been content to take the pieces
That I've been given
Make a mess with the results
Justify it all
Everybody's using all their breath telling everyone else
Some of the many causes of low self-esteem may include: Unhappy childhood where parents (or other significant people such as teachers) were extremely critical. Poor academic performance in school resulting in a lack of confidence. Ongoing stressful life event such as relationship breakdown or financial trouble.
But I look at those potential explanations and I can't see any that fit me. My childhood, in particular, I remember as a mostly very happy time. I grew up in a loving home and while I didn't have loads of friends, I was OK with the ones I had. There was a recurring bullying situation in my early teens which left some emotional scars, but no worse than a lot of people. So why do I have such a downer on myself? Maybe the why doesn't matter, just that I'm finally trying to do something about it.
Mind offers all kinds of tips for improving self-esteem, though they are keen to stress that "different things work for different people at different times. Only try what you feel comfortable with."
I think I'll skip past this one...
Say positive things to yourself. Some people like to do this in front of a mirror. It can feel strange at first, but you may feel more comfortable the more you do it.
But you listen to those lyrics and you realise that the reason they find The Greatest Love Of All "easy to achieve" is because they already respect themselves. What about the rest of us?
If you don't love yourself, you won't be happy with yourself. If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You can't make anyone love you without loving yourself first.
But where I come from, Kemi, there's nothing worse than someone who loves themselves. We call that arrogance, egomania... or being just like Kevin.
Girls try to attract his attention But what a shame, it's in vain, total rejection He will never be left on the shelf 'Cause Kevin, he's in love with himself
In my head, loving yourself goes hand in hand with not giving a shit about anyone else. And I've spent my whole life fighting against people like that. Or at least getting exceedingly pissed off by them.
How then to find the right balance? Well, much as I would like someone to send me to work in a top restaurant for a week so that I can learn how to like myself, it's probably not going to happen. Mind says, "Try to avoid comparing yourself to others." So I'll put Cousin Ritchie out of my mind.
I started this post with the original version of Respect Yourself by The Staple Singers. It's a fine song. A classic. But you know what? The 1987 cover version by Bruce Willis means much more to me. As I've mentioned before, it was the first 7" single I ever bought. Many people are ashamed by their first record purchase and make excuses for it, saying things like, "I was really young and I hadn't developed my musical taste..." I could say the same... but honestly, I listen to this now and it still makes me smile the way it did when I was 15. And I guess I respect myself at least enough to admit that to you.
On Halloween, I wanted to feature the classic Scream Queen / Final Girl, Jamie Lee Curtis. However, for reasons that will become apparent below, I decided to go with Bela Lugosi on Monday instead. I still love you, Jamie Lee... but you just deserve a far better musical legacy than I was able to dig up.
Jamie Lee Curtis has now survived umpteen encounters with Michael Myers and his crap William Shatner mask... and managed a respectable career outside of horror movies too. Then again, horror must have been in the genes - her mum died in Norman Bates's shower, after all. And, slightly less impressively, her dad appeared in The Manitou, a movie best summed up as "A psychic's girlfriend finds out that a lump on her back is a growing reincarnation of a 400 year-old demonic Native American spirit". Bet you want to watch that now, don't you? I'd stick with Halloween or Psycho, personally. Or if you're not in a mood for horror, you could watch Jamie Lee's performance alongside John Travolta in Perfect, "one of The 100 Most Enjoyably Bad Movies Ever Made". Here's a link to a song from that movie... gentlemen of a certain age are advised not to watch the video though. You might find yourself having an unfortunate moment.
There is a contemporary metal band who have taken Jamie Lee Curtis's name for themselves, but having exposed my ears to 5 seconds of their satanic shrieking, I decided to spare you. Slightly easier on the ear are this lot...
To be honest, I only included that because I like A Catcher In The Rye. The lyrics are bobbins, but they do mention Ms. Curtis.
Thank goodness for The Huntingtons, who are obviously big fans of The Ramones, and also of the movie Halloween...
Twenty years ago he took away his sister's life
There's still one left that's still alive
And he's on the loose tonight
Run run Jamie Lee
Run as fast as you can
Run run Jamie Lee
Away from the boogie man
Go go Donnie P
Go catch him if you can
Go go Donnie P
And catch that boogieman
Extra points for getting in a verse about Donald Pleasance. I only found one other song that mentions him, though it's arguably better than most of the nonsense above...
Sam is learning Ukranian. They’ve got some Ukranian refugees in his school, and Sam has made friends with one of the boys in his class. Vlad has taught Sam a number of phrases in Ukranian and fortunately, none of them involve wee or poo… or at least, Sam has yet to share those with me. Sam is also helping Vlad with his English, and they appear to have developed a cipher code together involving substituting numbers for letters. So ‘Hi’ is 8-9 and ‘Bye’ is 2-25-5.
23-5-5 and 16-15-15 are presumably ones that get used a lot.
This is one of those parental pride moments that gives you a flicker of hope for the next generation. I believe the children are the future…
There's another version of this song that's far more famous, and mighty fine it is too. But it's not quite George...
7. They failed Humpty Dumpty: the FBI were brought in to investigate their strong-arm tactics.
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.
Strong arm = Armstrong (Louis)
The Kingsmen were investigated by the FBI who suspected the lyrics to Louie Louie were either subversive or pornographic. They were actually just gibberish, as Todd Snider explains here.
I don't think this one's too embarrassing. I was 15 when I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) was released and I still think it's a great pop song, thirty years later. Yes, it does suffer from tinny 80s production, but it bounces along joyfully and gives voice to the unspoken truth of every 15 year old, boy or girl, in its title (brackets all important). You listen to lyrics like those, sung by a pretty girl just a few years older than you... and she might as well be singing to you. It's a fun pop song made heartbreaking when you're stood up against the wall at the school disco, trying your best to look cool and not bothered.
2. Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)
This was 1987 too, of course, the zenith of the music video, and the succession of short, figure-hugging dresses Whitney wears throughout doubtless sold quite a few copies to boys my age who might not otherwise have liked this kind of music. I think it's fair to say though that I loved this unashamedly at the time, by then I'd quickly worked out that my taste in music was all over the place and couldn't really be kept in a nice, neat, carefully labelled box. Yes, Whitney, for a very brief moment in time I fancied the pants off you. Then I guess you cut you hair and I stopped loving you, as Billy Bragg famously sang.
Apparently Whitney was never comfortable with being a pop star, and as this was her biggest "pop" hit, you have to wonder if she grew to hate it. I hope not, because there's an innocence to it you rarely see in pop music these days, and the fact she looked like she was having such great fun in the video made her even sexier. If she was putting that on, she was a far better actress than The Bodyguard ever allowed her to show.
I bought the album too, in case you were wondering. I must have had it bad.
