We're back to flipping through Bertie The Dog's record collection. He only buys discs by people with Bert in their name...
My father is a doctor, he's a family man
My mother works for charity whenever she can
And they're both good clean Americans who abide by the law
And they both stick up for liberty and they both support the war
My happiness was paid for when they laid their money down
For summers in a summer camp and winters in the town
My future in the system was talked about and planned
But I gave it up for music and The Free Electric Band
Despite the lyrics of his only UK hit, Albert Hammond was born in London in 1944, shortly after his parents had been evacuated from Gibraltar.
Albert began his musical career aged just 16 with Gibraltarian band The Diamond Boys, but his first chart success came 6 years later, in 1966, with a Top Ten hit as part of...
He went on to enjoy a successful career as a solo musician, but I'm guessing he made most of his money as a songwriter. He's the writer or co-writer of a surprising range of hits from across the decades...
Quite a list. A great songwriter... though I'd argue he's not much cop as a weather man...
This Bertie's got an OBE, an Emmy, an Ivor Novello award and he's been inducted into the Songwriter's Hall of Fame. Though surely his greatest claim to fame is being mentioned in a Half Man Half Biscuit song...
Dragging my guitar round maternity ward
I was in search of the umbilical chord
But it was all in vain so I jumped on a train
And when I reached my home the kids were on the patio
Looking quite upset, so I asked them what was wrong
And they said: “Beware, there’s an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house in there
An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house
Some man who introduced himself as Stanley Rous came in
And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house”
No clues as to next week's Bertie. Those of you who are paying attention should be able to guess him.
Towards the end of Half Term, we had a few days away in Pickering. It's becoming a preferred holiday destination: not too crowded, close enough to the coast if we want to see the sea, but with lots of nice countrysidey things to do, particularly the wonderful Dalby Forest, just around the corner.
Sam and I also enjoy the Pickering Museum, one of those places that offers a time capsule trip into the past, to a world that looked like this...
A far more civilised, genteel and altogether less horrible time like this...
And for those of you who occasionally like to frequent a local hostelry or two, a world where you didn't need a second mortgage before setting foot over the threshold...
Personally, I haven't been in a public house for quite some time, though we did stop off at one for a family meal recently, and after buying a glass of wine and two soft drinks, I was horrified at how little change I got from twenty quid. I don't know how you regulars cope - I'd just be thinking how many CDs I could buy instead...
Possibly the most exciting thing about Pickering Museum though was the sign which read "Free Coffee". Wow - two of my favourite words combined... it doesn't get any better than this, surely?
(I remember back in 1994, when Nelson Mandela spoke to the US Congress, quoting the end of Martin Luther King's most famous speech: "Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last!" The radio was on in the background, but when I heard those words, I turned it up to see if I could catch which shop he was talking about.)
The Free Coffee sign was next to the exit, but that was OK. The promise kept me buzzing all the way around the museum. It would be the perfect climax to our visit!
"But you just had a coffee before we came in here," Sam said.
Ah, the young. "Imagine if the sign said 'Free Football Cards'," I told him, "and I said to you, 'but you just bought some football card before we came in here..."
"That's different," he said. And he was right. Football cards offer a transitory pleasure, at best. While coffee is the gift that keeps on giving.
As is so often the case though, the reality rarely lives up to the dream. (Just ask Martin Luther King.) The free coffee was dispensed by a 40 year old Klix machine (a true museum-piece), a mixture of hot water and undissolved granules that tasted like... well, I'm not sure the words have been invented. I poured it away after the first mouthful. There's no such thing as a free coffee.
There was another One D... band I could have chosen to illustrate the final edition in the Hot 100 Countdown... fortunately, Swiss Adam saved me from having to go there when he suggested One Dove.
I've been dreading this week since I started this countdown, way way back in January 2018. (Yes, I've been at this for more than two years.)
Partly because I knew there would be thousands of potential ONE songs.
Partly because I knew it'd be impossible to find them amidst all the BlutONES and UndertONES songs, and all the songs about bones and phones; everyone, anyone and no one; money and baloney.
I didn't dread it because I wondered what the winner would be though. I've known that since January 2018.
Before you dismiss it completely, let's not forget that it was written by Nik Kershaw, and came from a movie in which Roger Daltrey played Chezzer's dad.
And, while we're on the subject of Ones & Only... and Only Ones, for that matter... I may as well re-direct you back to this, from way back in 2013...
George will be disappointed to see that Huey Lewis only got to #2 in that countdown. And he was beaten by The Charlatans, for Pete's sake... what was I thinking?
I think it's fair to say I haven't heard that since 1982. However, I was 10 in 1982, and I seem to recall being quite a fan. If you'd asked me, I'd have said this actually won Eurovision that year, but it didn't. It was beaten by Nicole. Still, neither of them were in the same league as the 1981 winners. Witness my nascent sexual awakening at 1 minute 32 seconds on that video.
You may have noticed I'm holding off on the lists this week, folks. There's a reason for that. Over to C...
Blimey Rol, incredible stuff. This must be like a full-time job - perhaps you should charge us for your services to blogging? I'm not even going to add anything, happy just to see what comes up.
The truth is, C, last week nearly broke me. And the prospect of copying and pasting all the one suggestions... and then finding links for the bloody things... I just couldn't take it!
And then Lynchie said this...
Rol - I think you should turn this series into a book.
I would ask who'd read it... but I guess you guys have answered that question over the past two and a half years. For which, I will be eternally grateful... but not so grateful that I could face the colossal workload of this final post.
And then, after whittling his shortlist down to 600, The Swede came to my rescue...
Here's what's left from my hard-drives. Sorry there are so many - for gawd's sake don't post them all!
Do you know what, Swede? That's the best advice I've been given in all my blogging career.
What I'm going to do instead is choose ONE song from each contributor... beyond the ones suggested above.
If anybody cares to see the full list of suggestions, you can do so here.
(Part of me thinks I should have instituted a filtration policy such as this weeks ago.)
Finally, as seems only fitting, here's my Number One contributor... at least in terms of the number of suggestions he's submitted during the lifetime of this series... The Swede.
Just pitching the one this week, mostly because it must surely be the winner...
How right you are, Martin.
(Special mention to Lynchie who guessed the original version, a worthy runner-up.)
As I said at the start, I knew this song would be the winner of the final week of my Hot 100 even before I published the first post. It is, quite simply, perfect...
Which brings us to the end of this feature.
I sometimes wondered if I'd ever reach the end, but I'm glad I did. Chalk it up as another of life's little accomplishments... and thank you all again for playing along. It wouldn't have been half as much fun... and I definitely wouldn't have made it this far... without your contributions.
Final word goes to The Swede...
A thought occurred whilst mulling... I trust you'll be doing a final entry the week after next for zeroes?
Now I don't like to be one to disappoint, Swede, but I just can't face that right now. (Neither can I face "Half Songs" or "Quarter Songs" or anything else, for that matter. If I never see another number again, it'll be too soon.)
However - that's not to say I won't welcome your contributions. If anyone wants to compile a Top Ten Zero Songs and submit it for Guest Post Thursday, I will be happy to let you have the space.
I have got an idea for a feature to replace this one, and I'll be kicking that off in a couple of weeks' time. I've been itching to get to it for at least a year now... and it will require your suggestions (though I'm hoping it won't lead to quite so many as the last few weeks of the Hot 100 has). I hope you'll join me and play along...
Mumble mumble mumble... an offer you can't refuse.... mumble mumble mumble... answers to this week's Saturday Snapshots.... mumble mumble mumble... The Horror!
I can honestly say I never wanted to be Ian Brown, but watching that video now... especially in the current climate... I do get a pang of middle-aged regret. Even though he actually does bugger all in the video, he's doesn't even sing, just ponces about on the stage. But that was the life, eh?
2. Dispute between Mark and partner: only one can stay.
Marks... & Sparks declare... This town ain't big enough for the both of us!
That photo was a bit misleading, I guess, because we only ever think of Sparks as being two people.
For many years, mainly because of Russel Mael's singing voice, but also because of Ron's imposing glare, I thought Sparks were European. German or Belgian or something. I still can't get my head round the fact that they were from California.
1. Unranked flamingos get Rocky.
"Unranked flamingos" is another anagram. But you could up with a non-anagram clue for these guys. Go on.
Top youtube comment for this track:
"I played this song so loud my neighbors called the cops. My neighbors got arrested."
Not being a Londoner, I'm not going to pretend to be a great expert on this particular London thoroughfare and train station... but musically, it seems the road has quite a history, giving birth to Hawkwind, The Clash* and rapper AJ Tracey, who apparently mentions the road quite a lot in his lyrics... but sadly not in my record collection.
*There are two Clash songs that mention Ladbroke Grove... but neither of them really grabbed me. Apologies, Clash-heads.
I found enough songs to do a Top Ten Ladbroke Grove tunes, but the majority were hardly classics. So I've limited myself to a Top 3. Still, I've struggled to find even one song that relates to a lot of UK towns, so three about one London street... well, it must be quite a street!
