Modern Life Is Rubbish #8: What's Your Name Again?

As a follow-up to last week's post about there not being a lot of boys named Gary anymore, I promised to tackle girls' names next. And Sam was once again very helpful, particularly when this song popped up on an in-car mixtape...

Still one of Paul Heaton's finest hours, that - and I love the guest appearance by George Michael in the video.

Anyway, as the song played, Sam told me, "there's none of those girls in my school."

Which means, he doesn't know any kids called...

Oh Shirley, oh Deborah, oh Julie, oh Jane...

Billy Bragg – Greetings To The New Brunette (Shirley)

Tyrannosaurus Rex - Debora

Shakin' Stevens - Oh Julie

Jefferson Starship - Jane

And he doesn't go to school with anyone called...

Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too

Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Jennifer She Said

Elvis Costello - Alison

The Legendary Ten Seconds - Philippa’s Song

(I had to search for that one. Not enough songs about girls called Philippa. There was a Pippa in my 6th form. I fancied her. No chance. She went out with my mate Simon.)

Whitney Houston - My Name Is Not Susan

Beck - Debra 

Gordon Lightfoot - Farewell To Annabel

And for completeness' sake, here's the other name mentioned in Song For Whoever... but not in Sam's school register.

The Waterboys - Cathy

I asked Sam about a few more of the names I went to school with. He didn't know girls by any of these names either...

Michael Nesmith - Joanne

Jimmy Eat World - Claire

(Apologies if you wanted to hear Gilbert.)

The Wedding Present - Rachel

Murray Head - Ruthie

Some success though - he did at least know one Sarah and one Emma. I think every other girl in my school was called Sarah or Emma...

Thin Lizzy - Sarah

Hot Chocolate - Emma

He didn't know any Louises though. Except for his Mum!

The Human League - Louise

There's a lot of good things to be said about that song, and its video - but mostly, I want a barge covered in books like the one Phil has.

I would be remiss if I didn't also feature the other great Louise song of that era...

Lloyd Cole & The Commotions - Perfect Skin

So then, I hear you ask, if Sam doesn't go to school with any of the girls above... what are his female schoolmates called? Well, he knows at least five girls called...

Shocking Pinks - Emily

And four called...

Madonna - La Isla Bonita

OK, that one had me stumped. If you know a song about a girl called Isla, please let me know.

He also knows two or even three different girls with each of the names below...

Wolves of Glendale - Olivia

John Denver - Darcy

Ben Folds - Gracie

Fred Again - Winnie

Tom Waits - Beatrice (Baby I'm Not A Baby Anymore)

That last one was a stretch too.

As with the boys' names then, there's been another major shift in what parents are choosing to call their kids these days... and the most popular names are ones that would mostly have belonged to old people when I was a kid. 

It's also highly unlikely that Marie will be the name of anyone's latest flame in Gen A... making all these old songs sound even more out of date.

Emergency Questions #9: New Laws

The Hives - The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime

Another conversation query from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Where do we begin? Perhaps by asking a couple of pop stars what laws they might institute...

There oughta be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man

You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration

Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

As for myself...

Ian McNabb - There Oughta be a Law

The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.

And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?

Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)

Kris Kristofferson - The Law Is For Protection Of The People

Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.

Mickey & Sylvia - There Oughta Be A Law

And what about a law to outlaw anyone I can't stand? 

Bono. The Gallaghers. Michael McIntyre. 

When I am king, to quote Radiohead, you will be first against the wall...

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Not to mention the ones for whom - I'm sorry - a firing squad is too good.

Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Nigel Farage. Andrew Tate.

I hope there's plenty of room in that Suffolk ditch...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Emergency Questions #1

Some time ago, Louise bought me the above book, partly because she knows I'm a fan of the comedian Richard Herring, but mostly (I suspect) because she knows I'm crap at making small talk. The book promises "1001 conversation starters for every occasion" and so I thought I'd use them to encourage a little conversation on this blog, rather than it all just being about me trying to convince you that Huey Lewis deserves more of your respect.

So I'm going to select a question every week or so and give you my answer. Hopefully then you can leave your own answer in the comments box. It'll probably fall flat on its arse as most of these things do, and I'll quietly bury the idea in a couple of weeks, but let's give it a go, eh?

I skipped the first two questions because they were too silly or inappropriate, but question three was right up my avenue of interest...

3. Have you ever seen a ghost?

Now I'm not actually going to bore you all with my answer to this, since I wrote about it in detail some years ago starting here.  

I will tell you though that for his part, Richard Herring responds to his own question by saying, "Interesting fact for after the question has been answered: ghosts do not exist. Anyone who says they have seen one is thus mentally imbalanced." But he's a comedian, and comedians often talk bollocks for humorous effect.

I'll throw in the next question for good measure...

4. Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?

Only on film. And as I'm sure I've mentioned before, I wholeheartedly believe the Patterson–Gimlin film was not a fake. 

(My money's on Ernie for this one.)

And to finish off...

8. Has your sibling ever seen a ghost?

Actually, I'll settle for anybody in your family or close circle of acquaintances. As long as you believe them. And why wouldn't you?

The Slow Readers Club - I Saw A Ghost

Harry Chapin - Corey's Coming

John Doe - Hotel Ghost

Fielding & Dyer - The Ghost

My Top 24 of 2024 (#6 - 4)

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

More aurally pulchritudinous delights from the year they insisted on naming after Jack Bauer's missions...

6. Orville Peck - Stampede

He dresses like the Lone Ranger and has the singing chops of Johnny Cash and Chris Isaak. But who is that masked man?

South African (now living in the US) alt-country star Orville Peck is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a pair of cowboy boots. He's not afraid to push boundaries and buttons, sometimes using country music to champion gay rights (pretty ballsy considering America's current swing back to conservatism, as mentioned by John Grant earlier in this list), but he's equally good at playing it "straight" musically, in terms of genre. His third album is a collaborative duets effort, on which Orville manages to drag in an impressive array of confederates, from Willie Nelson, Margo Price and Beck to Elton and Kylie, making each artists' contribution true to their own musical background. Or, as he puts it...

"I wanted to make sure that every single song on the album felt like a true 50/50 collaboration of me and the other artists' style and sound and genre. I didn't want to just feel like a bunch of Orville Peck songs that feature verses from other artists. I wanted each one to be an actual collaboration. Every single song on the album is entirely its own thing, dependent on who the artist is. It's a really fun journey. It's definitely the most adventurous I've ever been in terms of genre. It's some of the most country songs I've ever done on this album and some of the least country songs I've ever done on this album."

A large number of these tracks have become essential companions this year (even the more obvious covers like Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting and Rhinestone Cowboy), but the record's so diverse I'm struggling to choose the best song... or even most representative. 

This?

Orville Peck & Willie Nelson - Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond Of Each Other

Or this?

Orville Peck & Kylie Minogue - Midnight Ride

Or this?

Look, I don't care if it was forty years ago
When you won high school spelling bee
What are you even talking about?
Not everybody can spell hippopotamus
And that's at least something you can hang on to
I can't even understand you with that thing on your face
Margo, you sure take the O out of country
And you put the L in stupid

Orville Peck & Margo Price - You're an Asshole, I Can't Stand You (and I Want a Divorce)

In the end, I'm settling for this purely on the basis of the video...

5. English Teacher - This Could Be Texas

The last time I included a Mercury Prize winner in my personal list of the year's best albums was way back in 2011 (PJ Harvey, to save you the googling). That's how unhip I am. And yet, for some strange reason, I was ahead of the curve when it came to English Teacher. Could be that I was simply taken by the band name? Or the fact that they hail from my neck of the woods (lead singer Lily Fontaine was born in Huddersfield and grew up just over the Pennines in Colne, and the record made waves for being the first Mercury winner in 9 years not to come from London)?

Musically, the indie-art-punk twanging isn't a million miles away from Florence Shaw and Dry Cleaning, but the lyrics are much more personal, dealing with questions of cultural identity in a touching, honest and humorous fashion.  

I am the world's biggest paving slab
But no one can walk over me
I am the Pendle Witches, John Simm
And I am Lee Ingleby
I am the Bank of Dave, Golden Postbox
And the festival of R&B
I'm not the terrorist of Talbot Street
But I have apocalyptic dreams

You should see my armoury

4. Wolves Of Glendale - Wolves Of Glendale

From the sublime then, to the ridiculous. I challenge you to scour the whole of the blogosphere and find anyone else who has included Wolves of Glendale in their year end countdown. 

I offer no defence except that this record made me grin like nothing else this year, and I listened to it for far longer than I probably should have...

If you're in any way appreciative of that, it might be worth pointing you towards a new song they put out a little while back... hopefully a taster for album 2.

Wolves of Glendale - Ricky

 

The List #3: Records I Can't Buy

A few more songs from the never-ending list of tunes I'm trying to keep up with... and this time, it's all tunes I can't buy on CD.

Often, I find myself listening to an album on the interweb or via some other magical means, and I like it so much that I want a copy on the shelf. Lately however, I've come across a number of records that are just not available on CD. In some cases, it's a vinyl (or cassette!?) only release... in other cases, the record is only available digitally, like this one from Howell Dawdy...

I've featured tracks from Howell's 2021 album Smells Like Love here before. It's only 8 songs long, but every one's a winner and I'd gladly shell out some coppers for a physical copy. Sadly, Howell appears to be an internet-only guy...

Howell Dawdy - Men In Love Don't Judge

In a similar vein, we find Norwegian Americana star Harald Thune, whose 2020 album The Backbounceability of Humans was a particular favourite during Lockdown. 

Harald's website is a little sparse, with spaces for biog and tour details, but not even a tab for shopping, and his music appears only to be available via streaming. Which is a shame, because there's a Harald-shaped hole on my CD shelf...

Harald Thune - Early Morning Rain

Kevin Morby is considerably more well known than either Harald or Howell, yet his last record was only released on vinyl. 

This is a tragedy as it's a companion piece to his previous album, 2020's This Is A Photograph, a CD that has pride of place in my collection. I'd love to own a piece of plastic and paper containing the follow-up, but it looks unlikely to happen...

Kevin Morby - Triumph

Finally today, it's these guys again.

So desperate am I to own a CD copy of the debut album by Wolves of Glendale that I went on their website (where it's vinyl only, I'm afraid) and emailed them through the "Contact Us" link asking if a CD was forthcoming. No reply. 

Maybe CDs really are a dead format.

Oh well, here's a cautionary tale about the hidden dangers of gym membership...

Cnut Songs #26: Boy Racers

King Cnut could not hold back the tide, and I cannot hold back society's full-throttle descent into dystopia. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines, and nod my head sagely when others hold a mirror up to the madness. 

We live on top of a moor looking down on the picturesque Yorkshire town jumped-up village of Holmfirth. By the way, before I begin today's rant, I discovered my first Holmfirth song earlier this week...

The Watersons - The Holmfirth Anthem

I do like folk music, but that's probably a bit too folky even for me. And it makes the town village sound even more yokely than Last of the Summer Wine managed, which is going some. We are way more cosmopolitan than the Watersons give us credit for. The police were called to investigate a couple of weekends back because some Huddersfield gangster fired a gun outside one of the local hostile-ries. They shut the road for over 24 hours while forensic teams combed the area for a bullet. I'm not sure they found it, but they probably found lots of dog shit. Clearly we're less sedate than Chatteris...

Car crime's low, gun crime's lower,
The town hall band CD, it's a grower,
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce,
Although there was a drive by shouting once.

Half Man Half Biscuit - For What Is Chatteris

I'm getting sidetracked. Today's post isn't about local gun-toting hoodlums... if it's about hoodlums of a different variety.

Morrissey - Boy Racer

The Haywains - Boy Racers a Go Go

Squid - Boy Racers

The Wolfhounds - Boy Racers, Rm1

Metronomy - Boy Racers

Boyracer - I've Got It And It's Not Worth Having

Who knew there could be so many songs relating to this particular kind of social irritant? 

Do I need to add much more? We live up on top of a moor, and though the road that passes our house is just a link connecting two main roads, the boy racers still love to floor their pedals as they pass us by. I'll never understand this, or why your car needs more than one exhaust pipe, or why you prefer a car that rumbles like a jackhammer. If my car made that kind of noise, I'd be taking it to the garage. 

Anyway, the purpose of this post isn't just to whinge about boy racers. It's to highlight another excellent song by Wolves of Glendale. Be warned, I will probably find any excuse to feature this band over the next few months. Those of you who feel that comedy and popular music should never mix, feel free to look away now. The rest of you... well, all I can add is that Louise generally has very little time for much of the music I feature on this blog, but she loves this. Then again, she hates boy racers even more than I do. Here's a tip - don't switch it off until it's well past the 90 second mark...

Coffee Break #4: Smoking!

Before we start this week's Coffee Break... I need your help.

Louise was telling me last week about a record her dad used to play when she was a kid. Apparently, towards the end of the track, you can hear the sounds of police knocking on the door and the band quickly flushing away the illicit drugs they were smoking before the rozzers knocked. Despite extensive google searching, I've been unable to work out what this song might be... so I'm throwing it out to you guys. Any ideas?

I've never been a smoker. I never saw the appeal of cigarettes, even when all the other kids at school were hanging around outside the local newsagents, trying to persuade older kids to go inside and buy them a pack of Benson and Hedges. I tried smoking once, when I was in my 20s and I was very drunk. And I only did it to impress a girl. Fortunately, it was too late for it to take hold, so that was my first and last cigarette. She didn't seem that impressed anyway.

Jimmy Eat World - Coffee And Cigarettes

Mischief Brew - Coffee, God, And Cigarettes

I'm glad smoking cigarettes went out of fashion - for everyone's sake... but I kind of miss it too. I don't want to go back to people smoking in pubs and on buses, in restaurants and the cinema... even though that was the world we grew up in. The stale stench of cigarettes that was associated with so many of the places we grew up in, not to mention the fresh fug that often greeted you in such places... how is it possible to miss something you wouldn't ever want to come back?

Glen Glenn - One Cup of Coffee and a Cigarette

Michelle Featherstone - Coffee & Cigarettes

Lefty Frizell - Cigarettes and Coffee Blues

It's surprising how many songs there are which link coffee with cigarettes. They used to go together like bacon and eggs, fish and chips, apple pie and custard... well, there are more songs about coffee and cigarettes than any of the above. Caffeine and nicotine are both stimulants, but many people smoked as a relaxant... so were the two drugs teaming up, counteracting each other or having a big scrap in a smoker's system? I found one study online that suggested a morning coffee helped beat nicotine cravings while another suggested that being both a smoker and a coffee drinker made you 8 times more likely to have a heart attack.

Curtis Gordon - Caffeine And Nicotine

Bill Royal - Caffeine, Nicotine and Gasoline

You rarely see anyone smoking a real cigarettes anymore. It's all bloody e-cigs nowadays, which some idiot decided were better for us... though clearly they're not. We already know they're bad, but we don't know the half of it, I reckon. 

I'm reminded of adverts like these any time somebody tries to defend their vaping habit.

I don't yet know of any songs about drinking coffee and vaping at the same time, but vaping on its own is already starting to creep into the songwriter's lexicon. Ernie mentioned a tune just last week about Kids Vaping on the Double Decker Bus. And here's a couple more, firstly a great tune from Dougie Poole about the dangers of vaping in the workplace...

...and secondly, a cautionary tale from the hilarious* Wolves of Glendale, one of my favourite musical discoveries of 2024. 

(*Yeah, they write funny songs. Deal with it.)

Mid-Life Crisis Songs #107: Middle Age Crazy

After writing over a hundred posts dealing with what we laughingly call the "Mid-Life Crisis", it occurred to me that at no point have I addressed the clichés of the male mid-life crisis - specifically getting yourself a sports car (and a hairpiece) and dressing in an unfashionably fashionable style to enable you to chase younger women. Or, as Jerry Lee put it...

Today he traded his big 98 Oldsmobile

He got a heck of a deal

On a new Porsche car

He ain't wearing his usual grey business suit

He's got jeans and high boots

With an embroidered star

An' today he's forty years old going on twenty

Don't look for the grey in his hair

'Cause he ain't got any

He's got a young thing beside him

That just melts in his hand

He's middle aged crazy

Trying to prove he still can

He's gotta a woman he's loved for a long long time at home

Ah but the thrill is all gone

When they cut down the lights

They've got a business that they spent a while coming by

Been a long uphill climb

But now the profits are high

But today he's forty years old going on twenty

And he hears of sordid affairs and he ain't had any

And the young thing beside him

You know she understands

That he's middle aged crazy

Trying to prove he still can

Where do I begin?

Would I ever want to own a Porsche or any other expensive, high-powered automobile?

No. I'm not interested in driving faster than everybody else on the road or in collecting the associated speeding tickets. I don't want to become a target for car thieves or boyracers who fancy a challenge. And I've never liked the idea of drawing attention to myself. See also personalised registration plates. 

Tracy Chapman - Fast Car

Am I about to start dressing ostentatiously in clothes that are far too young for me?

No. Although I will continue to buy T-shirts with obscure movie, TV and music references on them that will only be understood by about 1% of the people I meet. Despite what Mark Radcliffe believes, that men over a certain age should only wear plain T-shirts. That's just dull, Mark. Maybe I'll even get one of these, to celebrate the detente...

The National - New Order T-Shirt

As to the greying hair... it's distinguished, right? I like that it starts at the sideburns, like Reed Richards. Just For Men will not be required...

Waxahatchee - Grey Hair

As to the idea of chasing after younger women... besides the fact that Louise would kill me, after chopping up various parts of my anatomy for dog food... I'm sorry, why would I want to be with someone who constantly reminded me of how old and knackered I am? At least when you're with someone your own age, you can be old and knackered together.

The Critters - Younger Girl

With all that in mind, I think I'll pass on the clichés of the male mid-life crisis, after noting with some chagrin the final verse of Jerry's ode in which he identifies the star of his story as being "forty years old going on twenty"... ah, to be forty again!

Jimmy Buffett - A Pirate Looks At Forty

Let's close with a song that perfectly encapsulates the dangers of succumbing to the MMLC, from a band many of you won't like because they're funny. Humour plus music? How dare they? The debut album from Wolves of Glendale is out now...

It's a Sunday on the strip

My divorced ass moved to Vegas

My wife left and took the kids

And it’s a good thing that she did

'Cuz they were annoying as shit