My Top Ten Contraception Songs

I'm sure there are hundreds of pop songs which have caused a conception or two (Barry White's entire back catalogue?) but here are ten that might help stop you getting pregnant...


10. Gang of Four - At Home He's a Tourist

According to iffypedia, "Gang of Four's music brought together an eclectic array of influences, ranging from the neo-Marxist Frankfurt School of social criticism to the increasingly clear trans-Atlantic punk consensus". Fortunately, the music they made was nowhere near as pretentious as some of their fans! Plus, they were from Leeds, so extra marks for that.

Down on the disco floor 

They make their profit 

From the things they sell 

To help you cob off 

And the rubbers you hide 

In your top left pocket

I was ten when The Belle Stars released The Clapping Song. Oh, the fun we had on school trips singing "And she won't buy me a rubber Johnny" on the coach home... much to the consternation of our teachers. It was right up there with "Charlie had a budgie".

9. The Beautiful South - Mini-Correct

They say always use a condom , 

I say always use a whip 

They say be careful where you come at night , 

I just shoot straight from the hip 

These neatly folded corduroys 

Hide rubber underneath 

But the only rubber you have worn 

Is that useless rubber sheath

Who knew Paul Heaton was so kinky? No one, actually. This is him playing the role of a sexist oaf to criticise mile chauvinist wankers who sew their seeds wherever they can and care little for the consequences.

8. The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly

Of course, "jelly" is what the Americans call jam, so this might be a song about that...

She don't use jelly

Or any of these

She uses Vaseline

Vaseline

Vaseline...

Or perhaps not.

(Of course, like many Lips songs, it could just be utter nonsense.)

7. The Clash - Protex Blue

Condoms are often accused of stripping the romance out of lovemaking. Enter the anti-romantic Mr. Strummer...

It's a fab protective for that type of a girl

But everybody knows that she uses it well

It's a therapeutic structure I can use at will

But I don't think it fits my V.D. bill

6. Prince - Little Red Corvette

This is only Number 6 because it also featured in last week's Top Ten. Otherwise, it'd be a shoe-in for #1 in any chart.

I guess I must be dumb

'Cause you had a pocket full of horses

Trojan and some of them used

But it was Saturday night

I guess that makes it all right

And you say what have I got to lose?

The very fact that Trojan is the name of a brand of condoms... you could write a thesis on that.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts

Bobby said he'd pull out 

Bobby stayed in 

Yeah, how effective is that withdrawal method anyway, Bobby?

Janey had a baby 

It wasn't any sin 

Exactly.

4. Arab Strap - Packs Of Three

Hated having to vote against this in this week's ICA World Cup. But you've got to go some to make me vote against Lloyd.

(Do I need to put a "Not Safe For Work" or "Not For The Easily Offended" sticker on this one?)

3. Loretta Lynn - The Pill

Could also have been Number One, had it not already enjoyed that honour in My Top Ten Hotpants Songs.

There's a gonna be some changes made 

Right here on nursery hill 

You've set this chicken your last time 

'Cause now I've got the pill

You tell 'em, girl!

2. The Specials - Too Much Too Young

"You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me": as chat-up lines go, Terry & Jerry, that takes some beating. Got anything else to add?

Take control of the population boom 

It's in your living room 

Keep a generation gap 

Try wearing a cap!

(I know a radio station that edited the last line off this track if they ever played it on air.)

1. Madness - House of Fun

It had to be really, didn't it? Arguably Madness's finest moment: getting to the top of the charts with a song about a 16 year old trying to buy condoms from the chemist. Genius.

I'm sorry, son

But we don't stock

Party gimmicks

In this shop.

Try the House of Fun

It's quicker if you run

This is a chemist

Not a jokers' shop!

Any planned parenthood anthems in your pack of three?

I'm waiting for someone to suggest This Mortal Coil.

And I'm ready to argue that Rubber Ring is about vinyl records...