My Top Ten Stripping Songs

Is it me, or is it getting hot in here...? Time to take off a few more clothes.


10. Hawksley Workman - Striptease

This gets in here purely so I don't have to mention the song with the most offensive title in my record collection. (It's by The Bloodhound Gang... but it's not one of their better offerings.)

Anyway, dig Hawksley Workman.

9. Chris De Burgh - Patricia The Stripper

The Lady In Red Man attempts to become Noel Coward. So bad it's good... (perhaps).

See also this entirely different song of the same name by The Wombats which - quite incredibly - manages to be nowhere near as "good" as old crazy eyebrows.

8. The Birthday Party - Nick The Stripper

Nick is a fat little insect, hideous to the eye. I'd save your cash if I were you.

7. Stereophonics - She Takes Her Clothes Off

I know - what sort of crazy fool places the Stereophonics above Nick Cave?

It won't happen again, I promise.

6. Morrissey - Striptease With A Difference

Never officially released (Moz obviously didn't like it very much), this sees the Pope of Mope getting involved in a late night game of Strip Poker, trying his best to lose...

Exchanging a king for your two
While you're out of the room
Have a shufty over your shoulder
Well, all the same, it's a shady game
And I want to lose...

5. Depeche Mode - Stripped

Let me see you stripped down to the bone

Sigh. You always have to take things one step too far, don't you, Dave?

4. Sohodolls - Stripper

Ah, yes, the 21st Century Republica. Take that as a compliment if you wish...

3. Adam Ant - Strip

Do you know what's insane? This single never made the Top 40. (It peaked at #41.) Record buyers of 1983, hang your heads in shame.

When it gets so hot the end of the day
You may find your clothes getting in the way
If a pretty dress hides your true desire
Fold it nice and slow, throw it on the fire

2. Jermaine Stewart - We Don't Have To (Take Our Clothes Off To Have A Good Time)

Have a glass of cherry wine on me.

1. Mansun - Stripper Vicar

One of Mansun's finest, though it obviously owes a great debt to The Smiths' Vicar In A Tutu. Video filmed at Fountains Abbey, North Yorkshire, I reckon.

And we know him as our vicar
And by night a part-time stripper
And the vicar got suspended
In his stockings and suspenders
And he's making wine from water
While he dresses like his daughter
And we know that he's a rip off
'Cos we've seen him with his kit off

Anyone who suggests Man 2 Man meets Man Parrish loses 274 points immediately.

My Top Ten Going Out Songs

"Do you want to go out with me?"

A question I never actually plucked up the courage to ask...

Special mention to This Charming Man, who would go out tonight but he hasn't got a stitch to wear.



10. Francis & The Lights - Going Out

According to Iffypedia, "Francis and the Lights is the stage name of American songwriter Francis Farewell Starlite."

So, let me get this straight... his real name is stagier than his stage name?

9. The Human League - The Stars Are Going Out

One of Louise's friends lives across the road from Phil Oakey. Fact!

8. Little Anthony & The Imperials - Going Out Of My Head

No. Indeed. They do not make them like this anymore.

7. Tom Waits - Goin' Out West

Well my friends think I'm ugly
I got a masculine face

Count yourself lucky, Tom. People say I look like a girl. A pretty ugly girl. 

6. Kirsty MacColl - (I'm Going Out With An) 80 Year Old Millionaire

He won't last much longer if he keeps drinking gin
I filled up the bottle that's marked medicine
He says that he'll leave all his empire to me
And sitting on top is the best place to be
So don't get impatient now boys you must wait
We'll all have such fun when I own the estate
Britt's got her toy boys but I don't care
'Cos I'm going out with an 80 year old millionaire

Ah, Kirsty, how we miss you.

5. Spearmint - We're Going Out

Shirley Lee: Godlike Genius. 

I know nothing seems to excite you anymore
I know it feels like you've got nothing to look forward to
But it's OK - everybody feels like that somethimes
It's just a phase we're going through, that's all

Put your coat on - we're going out!

4. Supergrass - Going Out

Any father's worst nightmare. Your daughter's going out on her first date, there's a knock at the door, and who should be standing there but one of the scruffy, long-haired muppets from Supergrass looking like they haven't had a bath since before the last Olympics. I'm glad we're having a boy...

3. Younger Younger 28s - We're Going Out

Lipstick, cigarette, packet of three... we're going out.

YY28s: should have been massive.

2. Cypress Hill - Ain't Goin' Out Like That

I suspect the definition of "going out" in this song has little to do with dinner and a movie.

Wins many extra points, however, for the line...

Outlaw, I'll kick ya like Billy Ray... Cypress... Hill

1. Joe Jackson - Is She Really Going Out With Him?

Can we all be upstanding for one of the greatest opening lyrics in the history of pop...?

Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street...

Which one would you go out with?

My Top Ten Gluttony Songs (Seven Deadly Sins #2)

The Seven Deadly Sing Songs continues...

Gluttony comes second. As greed is third, and the two are somewhat intertwined, I've tried to draw a line between them. Chances are, if you don't hear it here, I saved it for the Greed Top Ten. Gluttony songs tended to be more about overdoing it...

Special mention to INXS, naturally. 


10. Toto Coelo - I Eat Cannibals

The 17th biggest selling single of 1983... in South Africa.

That seems pretty gluttonous to me.

9. Marianne Faithfull - Gluttony

Marianne tells the story of a model who loves to eat but signs a contract to stay slim...

There's no market for hippos in Philadelphia!

You'll have to take my word as youtube's never heard of it.

8. Ash - Palace of Excess

Dancing with the trustafarian girls...

Yes, I had to google "trustafarian". But it fits.

7. Motörhead - Eat The Rich

Get well soon, Lemmy!

Eat the Rich: there's only one thing they're good for
Eat the Rich: take one bite now - come back for more
Eat the Rich: don't stop me now I'm goin' crazy
Eat the Rich: that's my idea of a good time baby

Verges on the Greed Top Ten, but I chose to include it here.

6. Hey, Elastica! - Eat Your Heart Out

From 1982, in case you were thinking they were saying hello to Justine Frischmann.

See also Eat Your Heart Out by Dio which is also from the early 80s but might as well be from a different planet.

5. Art Brut - Just Desserts

Whenever Eddie gets hurt, he skips dinner and has a big dessert...

I know I should take better care of my health 
But when I'm down, vegetables don't help...

4. Jellyfish - Glutton of Sympathy

I know this probably gets boring, but I can't help it: this song is 20 years old.

Now I'm officially depressed.Not enough to eat a Jellyfish though.

3. Ben Folds - All U Can Eat

Son, look at all the people in this restaurant
What d'you think they weigh?
And out the window to the parking lot
At their SUVs taking all of the space

You know the sort of people he's singing about.

2. Peter Gabriel - Big Time  

Hi there! 

Peter overdoes it in every area of his life... his belly's getting bigger - and his bank account.

My parties have all the big names
And I greet them with the widest smile
Tell them how my life is one big adventure
And always they're amazed
When I show them round the house to my bed
I had it made like a mountain range
With a snow-white pillow for my big fat head
And my heaven will be a big heaven
And I will walk through the front door

1. Buckcherry - Gluttony

Does exactly what it says on the tin. Also: ROCKS.

From the new album Confessions which features a song for each of the 7 deadly sins. We may return to that at a later date. No promises. 



Please, sir, can you have some more?

My Top Ten Las Vegas Songs

It's been a while since I went off on my American road trip. Let's take a quick stop in the city of sin...


Special mentions to Terry Hall and Dave Stewart's Vegas, Dirty Vegas and Death In Vegas. 


10. Tony Christie - Las Vegas

Las Vegas will be the death of Tony. He should have stayed in Sheffield.

9. Cocteau Twins - Heaven Or Las Vegas

The Cocteau Twinshave to be the least Vegas act on this list. Extra points for that.

8. Sheryl Crow - Leaving Las Vegas

Moody, poorly lit video saved by the flying Elvises.

7. Sleeper - Vegas

In which Louise Wener plays air hostess to a plane load of Elvis impersonators. What else do you need to know?

6. Meat Loaf - Elvis in Vegas

Fifteen year old Marvin Lee Aday snuck out his bedroom window and hitched a ride to Vegas to see the King. It obviously had a profound effect...

5. Tom Waits - Straight To The Top (Vegas)

Grizzly Tom turns loungebar act, channeling Sinatra with style: sax, golf clubs and fez-wearing piano player included for extra effect.

4. Drive-By Truckers - Checkout Time In Vegas

The Truckers write songs like mini movie scripts. Here they arrive in Vegas with "a bloody nose, empty pockets, a rented car with a trunk full of guns", which is a great set up for any thriller. They save the best line till later though...

They'll be after me by the time the buffet closes...

3. Brandon Flowers - Welcome To Fabulous Las Vegas

The Killers hail from Vegas and much of their music reflects the glitz, glamour and gaudiness of their home. But Brandon waited till his solo album to unveil this particular love letter, named after the sign that welcomes all visitors to town.

The sun sets and you're afraid of that itching in your skin
You stumble down the boulevard of neon encrusted temple
You're looking for the grace of God in the arms of a fellow stranger
Disciples hand you catalogs of concubines
As you stumble down the boulevard crying "Hosanna"

Welcome to fabulous
Welcome to fabulous 
Las Vegas
Give us your dreamers, your harlots and your sin
Las Vegas
Didn't nobody tell you the house will always win?

2. Gram Parsons & Emmylou Harris - Ooh Las Vegas

Gram was obviously much enamoured by Vegas... he also wrote the excellent Sin City as part of the Flying Burrito Brothers.

1. Elvis Presley - Viva Las Vegas

Yeah, it was a no-brainer. Many fine versions of this song, including Bruce Springsteen, The Dead Kennedys and ZZ Top (featuring a familiar ghost), but there's only one king.

Credit to Elvis for carrying on recording this sequence even though he's lost a couple of buttons from his shirt.You know how embarrassing that can be.




Which one's gonna set your soul on fire?

My Top Ten Wrestling Songs

Easy! Easy! Easy! Easy!


10. Does It Offend You, Yeah? - The Wrestler

I'm getting too old for this shit.

9. Reverend & The Makers - The Wrestler

The Reverend gets pinned down by his conscience.

8. Hot Chip - Wrestlers

The gloves are off...

Hang on, do wrestlers wear gloves?

7. Superman Revenge Squad - Kendo Nagasaki

You may be surprised to learn that this is not the only song about Peter Thornley in this Top Ten.

I don't often steal an entire song's lyrics... but these are worth repeating.

I caught myself crying in the mirror

I was pathetic, I was the angriest dog in the world, 
I was Kendo Nagaski looking back over a lifetime just spent sweating in the ring, in a mask, and feeling ashamed.

I put your postcard on the side

And it makes me happy that you're not happy – it makes me smile

Was in your top eight friends on myspace for half a week, but Thursday night I'd disappeared, but you made me feel special for a while.

I guess everything leads to loneliness
And Weatherspoons meals are cheaper when there's two
We're gonna gather all the lonely people, let them enjoy the two-for-one
Then go back to being strangers when they're through
And maybe one or two won't be strangers anymore

And it makes me happy that you're not happy – it makes me smile

Find out more about Superman Revenge Squad here.

6. Jill Sobule - Mexican Wrestler

Sometimes I wish that I was a wrestler
A Mexican wrestler in a red vinyl mask
And I might grab you, body slam you, and maybe cause
Physical harm

No, really, it's a love song.

5. Art Brut - Unprofessional Wrestling

Art Brut have just released a two-disc best of compilation. Great - like I don't have little enough money as it is. (Unprofessional Wrestling isn't on it, by the way.)

4. Frightened Rabbit - The Wrestle

Apparently, this is about sex...

I'm torn limb from limb
There is bone, there is gristle, and spit
In the clotheless wrestle
The clotheless animal
Animal, animal, animal 

..I must be doing it wrong. (Thankfully.)

3. Carter, The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Is Wrestling Fixed?

Am I un H A P P why?
Does a new born baby cry?
Did Little Red Riding wear a hood?
Did the three bears shit in the woods?
Was Humpty Dumpty fat?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
Is wrestling fixed?

Probably.

2. Bruce Springsteen - The Wrestler

One of Bruce's best songs of the 21st Century, hard not to picture a battered Mickey Rourke when you hear it.

1. Luke Haines - Inside The Restless Mind Of Rollerball Rocko / Big Daddy Got A Casio VL Tone / Haystacks In Heaven / Gorgeous George / I Am Catweazle / etc.

Only Luke Haines could write an entire album about spending Saturday afternoons watching wrestling on World of Sport (as I did, in my distant childhood). If you don't believe me, I suggest you track down a copy of Nine and a Half Psychedelic Meditations on British Wrestling of the 1970s & early 80s.



Which one takes you down?