Tuesday, 9 January 2018

The Neverending Top Ten #9: Fire Safety Advice from a 4 Year Old

The house Health & Safety officer (Louise) has been trying to impress upon Sam the dangers of electricity, hot water and fire. You know: don't turn light switches on when your fingers are wet. Don't touch the hot tap. Don't stick your fingers in plug sockets. Don't put a metal poker on a three bar electric fire to see what happens.*

*This last one isn't really aimed at Sam as we have neither a poker nor a three bar fire in our house. However, I grew up in a house with a coal fire and often mucked about with the poker, sometimes getting it red hot and using it to torture Star Wars figures. One time we went away on a holiday to a cottage where there was an old fireplace which had had a three bar electric fire placed in front of it... though for some reason they still had a poker next to it. For scientific purposes, I decided to see what would happen if I placed said metal poker on the coils of said electric fire.

The answer: sparks will fly.

Somehow I lived to tell the tale, although I did short out all the electricity in the holiday cottage.

Anyway, in reply to a recent piece of fire safety advice from Mum, Sam came out with an excellent response...

"Do y'know - Johnny Cash fell into a ring of fire, so you have to be careful...'

See? He already knows more than his dad!

However, I do feel vindicated. Because expanding Sam's musical knowledge also benefits other aspects of his life! What's next? Here's ten pieces of fatherly advice... specially for those of you who lament the days when every post on this blog was a Top Ten.

10. Don't Eat The Yellow Snow

9. Don't Drive Drunk

8. Don't Fence Me In

7. Don't Believe What You Read

6. Don't Go To Strangers

5. Don't Jump In Front Of My Train

4. Don't Stare At The Sun

3. Don't Set Foot Over The Railway Track

2. Don't Make Fun Of Daddy's Voice

And obviously...

1. Don't Fall Into A Ring Of Fire...

Any Health & Safety songs in your collection?


  1. Brilliant. What a way to learn!
    Did anyone ever write a song called 'Don't Stick A Dried Pea Up Your Nose' ? I could've done with that one when I was a kid.

    1. I could have done with "Don't try to slice open a pencil lengthways with a scalpel to remove the lead intact" but I'm not aware that any major recording artists have laid down their version of that just yet.

    2. Good to have a curious mind, Martin, but ouch! Several stitches in the head later I could also have done with 'Don't Pretend That A Brick Is A Pillow When Playing Doctors And Nurses'.... Not curious, just stupid.

      (There's a whole fantasy Top 10 here, I think, Rol...)

  2. Don't Come The Cowboy With Me, Sonny Jim might not be Health and Safety, but it's a fine "Don't" song.

  3. A double don't whammy from Petula Clark:

    "Don't sleep in the subway, darlin'
    Don't stand in the pouring rain..."

  4. Mammals Don't Let Your Children Grow Up To Be Cowboys

  5. Don't Call Me Baby
    Don't Leave Me This Way and Don't Talk To Me About Love.
    Generally though, Don't Bring Me Down

  6. Excellent idea.

    Don't think there are any songs about not pressing the pedal on the electric sewing machine when your finger is under the needle but then I don't suppose they actually do sewing at school any more.

  7. EBTG - Don’t Leave Me Behind

    Wouldn’t it be funny if this is the last comment on this post?

  8. Tommy Cooper - Don`t Jump Off The Roof Dad

    1. That's probably the most apt suggestion yet. I used to love that song when I was a kid!

  9. I'm going to ruin it....but just to say that I love reading these stories. Sam cracks me up!

    Here's one I hope he won't say......from the pen of Leonard Cohen

    'Don't Go Home With Your Hard-On'

    Surpised that 'Don't Swallow The Cap' by The National didn't make the list.



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