Self-Help For Cynics #24: Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Black Sabbath - Paranoid

A year or so back, I began to feel victimised by another prominent member of the blogging community. Not someone whose name you will ever see in the comments box on this site, but someone who is well-regarded by certain other bloggers, and who occasionally comments on a select number of the blogs I read. I began to notice that whenever I wrote a comment on one of those blogs, expressing approval of a certain artist or song, this particular individual would soon after leave their own comment, not so much rubbishing my opinion, but making it quite clear that they disagreed and that they saw no value at all in the music I liked. After a while, I attempted to deflect this with humour, leaving jokey follow-up comments about how much our tastes differed or faux apologies for inflicting my own noxious opinions on him, but my olive branch of banter was met with a wall of silence. 

The Cleaners From Venus - Amateur Paranoiac

This is when my paranoid brain kicked into over-drive. Did this blogger really have it in for me? Were my opinions so distasteful that the very sight of my name in a comment box drove him into a rage? If he felt this way, how many other blog readers might I be offending with my awful taste in music? The least I could do was comment less on the blogs he read, so as not to upset him any further. Beyond that, I seriously considered quitting blogging altogether, or at least making my blog private and just writing it for myself... though I knew I'd miss the community and the chance to chat away in other people's comment boxes. 

Mind tells us...

Paranoia is thinking and feeling like you are being threatened in some way, even if there is no evidence, or very little evidence, that you are. 

Even more tellingly, they add...

Paranoid thoughts could also be exaggerated suspicions. For example, someone made a nasty comment about you once, and you believe that they are directing a hate campaign against you.

Ouch. That's right on the money, isn't it? 

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's coming to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes

Hear the voices in my head

I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring

But if you're bored, then you're boring

The agony and the irony, they're killing me

Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

Apparently up to a third of the population experience paranoid thoughts at one time or another. Paranoia isn't an actual mental health diagnosis - not unless you respond to your paranoia in an excessive way. Clearly it's linked to low self-esteem and intrusive thoughts, both of which we've looked at here before. So it should come as no surprise that "amygdala dysfunction" is one of the key suspects in causing paranoid thoughts.

The Kinks - Destroyer

(On a side note, whenever I start a sentence with "So...", I worry that I'll anger Charity Chic, since it sticks in my mind that he doesn't approve of said practice. God, writing a blog when you're a delusional fruitcake is an absolute minefield!)

Sometimes I give myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me

It all keeps adding up

I think I'm cracking up

Am I just paranoid

Or am I just stoned?

Green Day - Basket Case

Mind tries to reassure me that what I have is mild or non-clinical paranoia, not one of the more serious forms: paranoid personality disorder, delusional disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. But really, what if they're wrong? Am I paranoid to think I might have a more serious version of paranoia?

I got some so-called friends

They'll smile right to my face

But, when my back is turned

They'd like to stick to me

Yes, they would

Paul Simon - Paranoia Blues

An Australian Better Health website lists the following as possible symptoms of paranoia. I'm going to try a little tick box exercise to work out just how paranoid I might be. Feel free to copy the table and play along yourself...

Generally, a person who is paranoid may:
be easily offended	✔
find it difficult to trust others	✔
not cope with any type of criticism	What are you saying?
assign harmful meanings to other people’s remarks	What are you saying?
be always on the defensive	What are you saying?
be hostile, aggressive and argumentative	WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!?!
not be able to compromise	✖ (Everything I do is a compromise.)
assume that people are talking ill of them behind their back	✔✔✔
be overly suspicious – for example, think that other people are lying or scheming to cheat them	✔
not be able to confide in anyone	Well, there’s you guys…
find relationships difficult	✔
consider the world to be a place of constant threat	Isn’t it?
feel persecuted by the world at large	I’m not that important.
believe in unfounded ‘conspiracy theories’	No, I only believe in the true ones.

Not looking good, is it?

Clearly I need to do some more work on this... next week.

Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

In conclusion for today though, I haven't had any recent follow-up comments from my blogging bully, even after I started commenting again on the blogs he frequents. Maybe he's got bored with persecuting me... or he's too busy at the moment... or he's had a change of heart and suddenly realised that Barry Manilow is actually great. Who knows? 

I am also prepared to entertain the notion that he never actually had it in for me in the first place, that it was all in my imagination, and that all the negative comments he left as a follow up to my positive ones were purely coincidental. It could just be all in my mind...

The Art of Noise with Max Headroom - Paranoimia

On the other hand, you know what they say: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you.