Cancel Christmas Club #1: Fairytale

Welcome to the first of two very special editions of the Cancel Culture Club, renamed the Cancel Christmas Club for the festive season, and because it turns out we’re all a bunch of miserable old grinches.

And if you don’t believe me… here’s Swiss Adam.

This is the one!

If it was up to me, I'd cancel all Christmas songs - they are almost without exception, unremittingly shite, soul sapping joylessness and exercises in making me dislike Christmas itself more than I already do. Especially the hardcore canon of the dozen or so that get played endlessly everywhere from mid-November onward - Slade, Wham, Shakey, Wizzard, McCartney et al. They make me want to cut my ears off.

Eels - Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

I think the thing I resent the most is the expectation that if you just put on this funny jumper and listen to this handful of songs, you'll 'feel Christmassy'. I don't.

Even the good ones bug me now due to overexposure and being told that, 'well, if you don't like those songs, I bet you like The Pogues...'

Cancel them all. Forever.

And Adam’s not alone, is he, C?

I'd just cancel Christmas, or at least all the awful shamelessly commercial shenanigans leading up to it and certainly all the plastic disposable shite that gets peddled in.... garden centres!  What's that all about, all that synthetic non-recyclable eco-disaster taking up shelf space in a garden centre?  But that's another rant altogether - I'd better get back to the subject in hand.

In a moment. I’m relishing all this Scroogery.

The Damned - There Ain't No Sanity Clause

What about our friend Walter, over in the land where they invented Christmas trees? Surely he’s got something positive to say about Weihnachten?

From my point of view, Christmas could be abolished, as I have been spending this time in Southeast Asia for a long time now, where there are Christmas decorations, but none of the religious fuss.

OK. Having set the tone nicely, let’s look at our first contentious Christmas song…

I love the way Shane clearly couldn’t even be bothered to spit out his chewing gum before going up on stage to mime along to that.

All Time Low - Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass

Before we get to the comments, I should reveal that Fairytale of New York was the second of the two Chrimbo Classics I offered up to the CC-Committee, but I’ve chosen to feature it first. Why? Well, because the other one was Band Aid… and hoo boy, wait till you see the reaction to that. SWC in particular wrote a whole page, scored onto the paper in what I worry might be his own blood, but I’m more hopeful was the blood of a Bono. And he wasn’t alone in his vitriol. So consider Fairytale a gentle apéritif – a prawn cocktail before the full roast turkey dinner that will be Do They Know It’s Christmas?

Weezer - Christmas Celebration

All that said, let’s pop over to see how Christmas is shaping up in Portugal. And it looks like George is scratching his head…

Fairytale: I have no idea why this is a potential candidate for cancelling, so I need to research it (i.e. go to Wikipedia). And using that as my sole source, I think the reason for the song's inclusion is the use of misogynistic and homophobic content. And I'm going to agree with Radio 1 on this one (and a big "BOO" to Radio 2). I also think Shane MacGowan's defence (again, reading from wiki) is a bit disingenuous, especially given his put down of the Pet Shop Boys (there's one very very good reason to dislike that band without resorting to the pathetic slur he used).

I might as well butt in here with Shane’s defence of the lyrics…

The word was used by the character because it fitted with the way she would speak and with her character. She is not supposed to be a nice person, or even a wholesome person. She is a woman of a certain generation at a certain time in history, and she is down on her luck and desperate. Her dialogue is as accurate as I could make it but she is not intended to offend! She is just supposed to be an authentic character and not all characters in songs and stories are angels or even decent and respectable, sometimes characters in songs and stories have to be evil or nasty to tell the story effectively. If people don't understand that I was trying to accurately portray the character as authentically as possible, then I am absolutely fine with them bleeping the word, but I don't want to get into an argument.

…which I have to say, I agree with… to an extent. I think that defence works in terms of literature (and it’s a similar one that Quentin Tarantino uses to excuse peppering his scripts with the N-word)… but it opens up a bit of a can of worms when applied to a pop song, in particular a Christmas pop song. That said, I always liked the sentiment of Fairytale precisely because it was so different to all the other Christmas songs that get trotted out year after year. But shush, this isn’t about my opinion – it’s about George’s. And what did Shane have to say about the Pet Shop Boys (who kept Fairytale off the Number One slot)?

"Two queens and a drum machine."

Hmm. Back in 1987, that would have been a lot more offensive than it is now, I guess… I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Tennant and Lowe self-apply the term these days, as a lot of my gay friends do.

Pet Shop Boys - It Doesn't Often Snow At Christmas

I’m sorry, George, I keep interrupting you. Not to argue, just to provide context. I hope.

I've never liked Fairytale In New York anyway, there's something a bit smug in its delivery, and that twee diddly diddly dee music is beyond annoying. You can't cancel a song just because of the crappy music (that would put an end to the Pet Shop Boys), but I am saying Yes to Cancel for this particular song because of the lyrical content.

OK, that’s the first vote cast. Now, having provided the above context, we can happily return to Manchester’s answer to Krampus, Swiss Adam…

More specifically I guess with A Fairy Tale of New York it's the use of the word 'faggot' in the Kirsty sung line 'you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot' that is the main topic of cancel conversation.

I'm a bit ambivalent. The song was written in character and that line and the homophobic slur within it is era appropriate and character appropriate. I have a gay friend who is pretty laid back about it (and he definitely has a moral compass and would object if he found it objectionable).

Shane's comment about the song being kept off the number one slot by 'two old queens' doesn't do him any favours but maybe we shouldn't be looking to Shane McGowan for leadership in this area.

The very idea that we should treat Shane MacGowan as any kind of role model is, of course, hilarious. I will defend him to the hilt though, based purely upon that old story about the time Bono had to chuck him out of his house for… well, here it is in Shane’s own words.

“Bono put in a glass roof and wall,” MacGowan explained in an interview with The Times. “I used to wave my willy at the train as it passed and hope that they thought it was Bono’s.”

Adam concludes…

I think on the whole I'd let the song stay - unless we're banning them all just because Christmas songs are shit. In which case, begone.

So far then, we’ve only heard one definite call to cancel the song. But wait… who’s this coming down the Cancel Culture Chimney? Only the wonderful John Medd…

If I never hear this song again, it'll be too soon. It's a time capsule (like Geldof's effort) and should be treated as such. Tinkering with it to make it radio friendly is akin to putting lipstick on a pig. All Christmas records have a shelf life, and this one is way past its.

Ouch.

Set It Off - This Christmas (I'll Burn It To The Ground)

And with that stark renunciation still ringing in our ears, let’s move onto the case for the defence. Let’s start with C, shall we?

Fairytale of New York?  I love its use of abusive terms and their delivery.  Bum, punk (in its original meaning), old slut, scumbag, maggot, faggot, arse.  Why have just one when you can have many? It's the antithesis of a sickly "everything's alright in the world even though it isn't, because it's Christmas!" sentiment in just above every other festive song. 

Once again, C demonstrates her skill for using words far better than my own clumsy attempt to express this sentiment earlier.

I believe too that the slang term "faggot", which I think is the one that has caused the most issues, is now an example of a word that has been reclaimed by those to whom it had been pejoratively directed. I think that's a great way forward for many things.  Embrace it, take the sting out of it, and redress the dynamic of its power, by claiming it for yourself. 

“As an English teacher…”

(Oh God, here he goes again!”)

As an English teacher, I like to believe that words only gain power when we allow them to have that power. But it’s very easy to argue that when I’m not one of the people said words are being directed at. Nobody ever called me a faggot, nobody ever threw the N-word at me. If gay people can take the sting out of faggot in the same way many black people (particularly rappers) have reclaimed nigger, that’s surely something to applaud. But it’s still a minefield if you’re not part of that particular community… and maybe that’s the point. Maybe it should be.

The Fall - No Xmas for John Quays

There’s a famous episode of my favourite TV show, NYPD Blue, in which notoriously racist* detective Andy Sipowicz gets into a mouthy confrontation with a belligerent black activist who tells him, “you’re dealing with that one nigger in a thousand who knows what you can and cannot do”. In response, Andy throws the N-word back at him and gets in a lot of trouble for it.

(Andy’s racism is given context in the show, and is part of a long-running redemptive character arc. Prejudice is absolutely not a black and white subject in NYPD Blue.)

Context is everything. But back to C…

Does / has this song ever actually caused any harm to be done to anyone?  I can't imagine it, there are so many more direct and genuinely hateful ways to cause harm that we should be concentrating our efforts on, surely.  So for me, as long as Christmas is here to stay, 'Fairytale' can stay too.

Thank you, C.

Leroy Carr - Christmas in Jail (Ain’t That a Pain)

From C, we go to CC…

Fairy tale of New York?

A classic.

Presumably the issue is the line "a cheap lousy faggot", an insult said in anger in a stormy row between two lovers.

I'm sure most of us have done something similar at one stage and now regret it.

Nowadays it is edited out and that's enough for me.

Good point there, CC, and one that hasn’t been made yet, but it links back to what we were just saying about the power of words and how, in moments of anger, we might reach for the most hurtful epithets in our quiver.

The Chieftains feat. Elvis Costello - St. Stephen’s Day Murders

Next up is Martin, who appears today with an eye-witness testimony…

I once had the good fortune to see Kirsty and Shane sing this live together. She was the support act for Morrissey, at a December gig at the Ally Pally. For her closing song she invited Shane up on stage and they sang this together. He was so drunk he could barely stand, and his lyrics were unintelligible most of the time. Kirsty's were crystal clear but I can't remember whether she sang any of the controversial lines. There's the one everyone knows about, subsequently changed to "You're cheap and you're haggard", and there are others that no-one cares about any more (surely?), like "arse" (at the time the Beeb requested that that be replaced with the somehow less offensive "ass" for TOTP).

I was amused to read on iffypedia that, “When Katie Melua performed the song with the Pogues on CD:UK in December 2005, ITV censored the word "arse", but left "faggot" uncensored.”

Bloody ITV. You wouldn’t get that on the BBC, eh, Martin?

By 2007, things had moved on still further and both "faggot" and "slut" were edited out by Radio 1, before the revised "haggard" version became the broadcast norm. Is that the only issue with this song - the sweariness and derogatory terms? Or is there something more I don't know about?

In 2019, BBC Radio Solent DJ Alex Dyke announced that he would not be playing the song on his show, calling it a "nasty, nasty song" and "an offensive pile of downmarket chav bilge". Yet still the world turns.

I hate to break it to Alex, but there are still lots of people who talk like this. And it might be chav bilge, but it's also a love song, of sorts, and the antidote to Yuletide saccharine. Cancel this at your peril. Accept the "haggard" edit and move on, I say.

If you ask me, the “chav” response opens DJ Alex up to accusations of snobbery, or at the very least coming from a privileged background and being out of touch with the common man. But what do I know? I grew up on a farm.

Next up is Ernie, who’s thinking of resigning from the committee because he doesn’t believe in banning anything… and to be honest, I’m coming around to his point of view. Maybe this feature has outstayed its welcome? We’ve covered all the major causes of offence by now – sexism, racism, homophobia, underage sex, Bono (next time, I promise)… I’m worried we’ll just end up repeating ourselves, or I’ll begin to take advantage in terms of my entreaties on your generosity. Perhaps it’s best to quit while we’re ahead? I’ll consider this in the New Year. In the meantime, Ernie…

Pogues - if the f word offends you, then listen to the version where Kirsty sings 'haggard' which has been readily available since 1992. Other than that, leave it alone.

Man of few words, but very definite opinion.

The Sonics- Don't Believe In Christmas

Which brings us back to Walter, who echoes Ernie’s sentiment…

Ever since the BBC toned down certain lines in the lyrics, there has been an annual debate about whether crude swear words are suitable for young ears. The song is about a couple who once had big dreams, but which burst like soap bubbles due to drugs and alcohol. Each blames the other, culminating in verbal insults. There is no doubt that these words are not exactly pleasant, but they stem from a gutter vocabulary that is appropriate in this context. Not that I approve of offensive swear words, but crude expressions are part of every language. A fool is always a fool, even if I call him a blockhead or a moron.

I always quite fancied being a Blockhead myself, if it meant I got to hang out with Ian Dury. But do continue, Walter…

I do believe that crude language should be avoided, but these words should not be censored. It is up to each individual to express themselves appropriately. In my home country, Nina Hagen and BAP sang this song in German and translated the swear words pretty much exactly. It's strange that we, who have made gender equality our cause, have not yet had any discussions about these lyrics (perhaps only once my words have been published).

BAP feat. Nina Hagen- Weihnachtsnaach

I want to thank Walter for introducing me to that version, in which the vocal delivery seems to switch – Nina Hagen sounds far more like Shane MacGowan than Kirsty!

And that’s a much better cover than the Bon Jovi version which… no, no, please don’t listen to it… don’t do that to your ears*. (And I say that as a unashamed fan of Mr. By Jove, from back in the day.)

Jon Bon Jovi – Fairytale of New York

(*Anyone who defied my instructions above, you may note that Mr. BJ appears to have rewritten the offending section of the song… but… unless my ears deceive me… appears to have included the phrase “kick in the c*nt” instead as part of his version. Or do I need some new batteries in my hearing aid?)

Irish singer-songwriter Rob Smith apparently commented, "I have heard Bon Jovi's cover of Fairytale of New York. It's the worst thing to ever happen to music, and I am including both the murder of John Lennon and Brian McFadden's solo career in there. This is worse!"

The Midnight Riders - All I Want For Christmas (Is To Kick Your Ass)

Final word today goes to The Vinyl Villain himself, JC, who readily admits to being just as much of a grinch as Adam, C and Walter – and even used the phrase “Bah humbug” in his response. When it comes to Fairytale Of New York though… well, JC refuses to accept it’s even a Christmas song.

I will expend a little bit of energy on this one, for the simple fact that I don’t regard it as a Christmas-themed record despite the fact that The Pogues wrote it specifically as one while their record label was happy to play the game and release it as a single at a particular time of the year, in November 1987.

Twisted logic on my part?  Maybe…. but bear with me.

Is this going to be like those people who try to deny Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

eagleowl - Let's Save Christmas (The Ballad of Nakatomi Plaza)

I saw The Pogues play one of the most manic and memorable gigs in my life at Strathclyde University Students Union back in 1985.  It turned me into a fan. 

Singles and albums were purchased as they were issued, but I didn’t buy Fairytale of New York.  I loved watching the video over the festive period, and also being a fan of Kirsty MacColl, it made for a fine listen, and as I got increasingly familiar with the song, I found myself singing along every time to ‘The Boys of the NYPD choir still singing Galway Bay and the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day’.  And I mean every time, to the annoyance of my soon-to-be in-laws whose house I was living in at the time.

I bought the album If I Should Fall From Grace With God in January 1988, and quickly realised it was a classic. The album the band had been threatening to make since that gig a few years earlier. A perfect blend of rock and what I thought was traditional Irish music, played and produced to perfection.  The songs all seemed to be short stories set to music – some were rollicking and some were tear-jerking ballads, with ‘Fairytale’ striding both.  It was a record full of tunes that I imagined would be sung at the wildest parties in Ireland – the fact I hadn’t yet set foot in that country was neither here nor there! (That’s something which would change many years later and I’ve now got proud and loving connections with the country.)  Fairytale in this context was way more than a Christmas song, and I still feel the same the best part of 40 years later.

As to the supposedly offensive lyrics...  In what is clearly an exchange fuelled by alcohol and indeed a love for one another as the rest of the lyric makes clear, the male character, played by Shane calls the female character, played Kirsty, an old slut on junk and she replies by calling him a scumbag, maggot and cheap lousy faggot.  It’s poetic and quite magnificent. 

I’d agree with JC that expressing love by using words like these – rather than the usual barrel of cliches pop songs rely upon to represent that emotion – shows a genuine understanding of both character and storytelling technique that goes above and beyond.

Worth remembering too that not a lot was made of these lyrics back in the late 80s.  The only thing folk were worried about back then was the use of the word ‘arse’ which Kirsty was asked to amend to ‘ass’ for a live rendition on Top of The Pops.

The hullabaloo only really kicked up when the single was re-released in 2005.  A different time altogether and an era when the notion of individuals and organisations having platforms to express their supposed anger, hurt and offence, and being noticed as they shouted from the sidelines, was becoming increasingly the norm. 

While it seems some offence was taken prior to 2005, JC makes a good point here that at the beginning of this century, with the rise of the nasty old interweb, Professional Offence-Taking became an active sport, a kind of cultural one-upmanship which has become so ingrained in society it’ll no doubt be recognised as event in the next Olympic Games.

But in terms of today’s tune, I think JC sums it up for me when he says…

I’ll never tire of Fairytale of New York.  It’s a magnificent song that still sounds wonderful all these years later. It shouldn’t be messed with.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Join us back here to give Bob, Midge and (especially) Bono a festive kicking... it's the true spirit of Christmas!