Celebrity Jukebox #67: Brigitte Bardot (Part 1)

Of all the celebrities featured in the Jukebox since it began, Brigitte Bardot must surely be one with the most songs written about her. So much so, I've no chance of squeezing them all into one post.

It's ironic then that I know very little about Bardot beyond her iconography. Despite being quite the cinephile in my younger days, I'm not even sure I've ever seen one of her films. Clearly I need a crash course in Bardot. Let's see what I can learn from her many, many fans...

Let's start with another Wild Thing - Mr. Chip Taylor. He usually knows what he's talking about...

And the moving pictures move in sexy ways

These days

Son, lay low

Don't go...

To see Bardot

If I heed Chip's warning, this post won't go any further. 

Maybe I'll ask Chrissie Hynde...

When love walks in the room

Everybody stand up

Oh, it's good, good, good

Like Brigitte Bardot

The Pretenders - Message Of Love

Let's see what a Big Jessie thinks of Ms. B...

And if you use your...use your 'magination,

Baby, I dance jus' like Brigitte Bardot.

Joshua Kadison - Jus' Like Brigitte Bardot

Next, a California band who are obviously Francophiles...

Summer nights in Saint-Tropez

All the charlatans game play

I saw Brigitte Bardot

In a blue shuttered window

SSQ - I Saw Brigitte Bardot

What about old Grumpy Pants? What has he got to say for himself?

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop

It's President Kennedy callin' me up

He said, My friend, Bob, what do we need to make the country grow?

I said my friend, John, Brigitte Bardot!

Everyone's got an opinion on this lady - even the fleas!

Well, the doggie went to see a show

And there he saw Brigitte Bardot

The naughty flea said, "What a feast!

She really is a delicious beast."

Miriam Makeba - The Naughty Little Flea

From a Flea to a Fish...

The surgeon checks your plastic on the telephone

A Casio concerto entertains you while you hold

Your credit rating's good for a Madonna or a Bardot

A Dali or Picasso for his wall

Fish - Big Wedge

And what about the Ants?

What had passed the night before

Room 1206 on the floor

Beautiful, his Bardot

And though he's spoiled

She likes him so

Adam Ant - Montreal

And Lloyd, of course, loves his old movie stars...

Julie got a facelift you know she's only 33

Jesus, may I give thanks to Brigitte Bardot

Lloyd Cole - The Steady Slowing Down of the Heart

From Lloyd to Laurie...

Brigitte Bardot's toes

Turning the taps on the bubble bath

Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini

Diane Keaton’s laugh

Audrey Hepburn in her pyjamas

Anne in 'Day of Wrath’

Oh, they are nothing

Oh, they are nothing

But just Technicolor stills

Passing cinematic thrills

Oh, yeah, you are the one for whom I reserve chills

Laurie Shaw - Comparative Essay

...to Little Feat...

She used to model as a child

With Bardot's looks and Gigi's laughter

Enfant terrible creation

Of a sockless adman's mind

Little Feat - The Ingenue

Liz?

And I was pretending that I was in

A Galaxie 500 video

The stewardess came back and checked on my drink

In the last strings of sunlight, a Brigitte Bardot

'Cause I had on my headphones along with those eyes

That you get when your circumstance is movie-sized

Liz Phair - Stratford On Guy

Is that enough for today?

One more?

How about Mr. Gedge... and Terry de Castro?

You don't have to flirt with everyone just because you can

You're like Brigitte Bardot in 'And God Created Woman'

You know exactly what I mean

Your behavior borders on the obscene

In terms of jukebox tunes, Brigitte Bardot is the gift that keeps on giving.

More of these next week.

Celebrity Jukebox #56: Diane Keaton

Khayem wrote an excellent tribute to Diane Keaton earlier this week, most notably in his revelation that she directed the video to Belinda Carlisle’s Heaven Is A Place On Earth. That’s a class piece of musical trivia.

Khayem also provided a playlist of songs with titles that matched Diane’s most famous movies… so there’s even less for me to add via the Celebrity Jukebox… except a few songs that mention her by name.

We’ll start with this one, as it would have fit perfectly on Khayem’s compilation…

Next, a little offering from Portuguese singer-songwriter JTX, way back in 1982… especially for our Portuguese reader.

JTX – Diane Keaton

Over to Chile next, where we find indie duo Dënver (no longer a duo, it seems, since they split up)…

Dënver – Diane Keaton

From Dënver to Vietnam… or from Chile to Spain, take your pick…

Vietnam – Diane Keaton

Still in Spain, we find a band Montoto and their Spanish Eyes…

Montoto - Ojos de Diane Keaton

Over to Australia now for a Sydney guitar band who might have broken a few copyright laws when making their video… but it’s all in the name of art, so that’s all right.

Weak Boys - Unrequited Diane Keaton

Diane did pretty well in the song titles then… but what about lyrical nods?

Well, here’s one that might have been in contention for the Cancel Culture Club…

Hey yo, I kinda like the musical Rent (no homo)
Man, I can't decide who wore it best (no homo)
But I'm feeling Diane Keaton's vest (No homo)
I admit it I'm a fashionista (No homo)
And I know every line of Mystic Pizza

Lonely Island - No Homo

The interweb, however, tells me this is actually…

“…a critique on homophobia among young, often athletic and/or alpha-type males. It starts off by describing how the phrase “no homo” can be used as a social mechanism to quickly defuse any suspicion of homosexual attraction when giving a fellow male a complement. The examples of usage of the phrase quickly escalate to overtly sexual acts, which nullify any suggestion that they are merely comfortable in their heterosexuality, but are truly giving into their gay urges. This suggests that many homophobes are actually suppressing their closeted homosexual feelings through an exterior of hostility and intolerance.”

And if you’re wondering how that’s relevant today…

“One of Diane Keaton’s most famous roles was in Annie Hall where she dressed in men’s clothes, including vests. Although, Keaton likes to dress in vintage men’s clothes regardless.”

So now you know. No cancellation needed. Apparently.

As we’ve already established, Diane was very popular on the continent, as further evidenced here by this tune from French singer and writer Yves Simon…

Yves Simon - J't'imagine

J't'ai vue un soir sortir d'un music-hall
Comme Diane Keaton d'Annie Hall

Which, clumsily translates as…

I saw you one evening coming out of a music hall
Like Diane Keaton from Annie Hall

Never be afraid to rhyme hall with Hall.

Next, an American indie duo who remind me of The Mountain Goats (never a bad thing). Clearly they’re film buffs as they also have tunes called Peter Bogdanovich Can't Stop Talking About Orson Welles and I Wanna Meet Scarlett Johansson in a Coffeeshop at Three. And I realise I’ll probably be in a lonely minority here, but these guys just went straight on my Further Investigation Required list…

When you were stuck at 2 a.m. I wished you would have called
I would've been there in an instant, we could've rented Annie Hall
And I'd be your Woody Allen, with my witty, subtle quips
And you'd be my Diane Keaton, 'till you gave me the slip

Moe’s Haven – Dig In!

Meanwhile, Merseyside’s Laurie Shaw has appeared on this feature previously… and he’ll probably pop again soon. He’s extremely prolific… and rather interesting too.

Brigitte Bardot's toes
Turning the taps on the bubble bath
Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini
Diane Keaton’s laugh
Audrey Hepburn in her pyjamas
Anne in 'Day of Wrath’

Laurie Shaw – Comparative Essay

I saved this one for last though, because Allo Darlin’ are fabulous.

In the movie of our lives, would Woody Allen write the screenplay?
Not his best era, but certainly not his worst either
But I wouldn't like to be like Diane Keaton in Manhattan
So cerebral was she, runs away from any romance
But though you're neurotic, and a little paranoid
It doesn't make me Annie, it doesn't make you Alvy
Woody Allen couldn't play you
Woody Allen couldn't play you
I know you want him to, but he couldn't play you

Celebrity Jukebox #119: David Soul

One of my earliest memories is staying up late on a Saturday night with my dad, squeezed into his red leather armchair with him, watching Starsky & Hutch on BBC1. 

Around the same time, weekday mornings before school, I'd listen to Terry Wogan on Radio 2, playing recent MOR hits like this...

David Soul - Don't Give Up On Us

And this...

David Soul - Going In With My Eyes Open

And this...

I think it's fair to say that David Soul was a big part of my childhood. 

And now he's gone. What a way to start 2024. 

Here are some tracks in tribute, starting with one of the funkiest TV theme tunes ever...

Tom Scott - Gotcha (Starsky & Hutch Theme)

Although you may also recall the theme to Season 1, by this gentleman...

Lalo Schifrin - Starsky & Hutch

Here's David himself again, playing the keyboards for Frank Sidebottom (alongside Paul Ryder of the Happy Mondays on guitar) in their "supergroup" cover of a famous tune by The Fall...

Frank Sidebottom's Supergroup - Hit The North

Next, a frequent contributor to this series...

Oh, Roll over

Let’s follow the zero car into the storm

Oh, roll over

I liked him better in his fictional form

Oh, roll over

He hit the curb and lost his motor control

Oh, roll over

Hopping the bonnet like he was David Soul

Laurie Shaw - Rollover

David Soul wasn't just Detective Kenneth Hutchinson though. He was also Ben Mears in Salem's Lot, a film that chilled many 80s youngsters, especially when the little vampire kid starts scratching on the window, wanting to be let in. And before all that, David even faced off against Dirty Harry in the 1973 Clint Eastwood movie Sudden Impact, a role which inspired this... the tune that sprang immediately to mind when I heard of his passing.

Rest in peace, David. I hope there's plenty of bonnets to roll over in Hutch heaven.

 

TV On The Radio #20: The Generation Game

Two Door Cinema Club - Nice To See You

...to see you, nice.

Saturday nights in the 70s, we'd all gather round the TV to watch inept relatives try their hands at icing a cake, working a potter's wheel or trying to master nuclear fusion, with varying degrees of success. The winners would go on to watch assorted jumble sale prizes roll past them on a wonky conveyor belt - "Cuddly toy! Cuddly toy!" - taking home all the ones they could remember. All under the rather snooty auspices of the "King of Saturday Night TV" himself, Bruce Forsythe. Until he moved over to the other side for a bigger paycheck to be replaced by camp cliché captain Larry "Shut That Door!" Grayson... and then, a bunch of other less memorable hosts (Jim Davidson!!!). Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? this was not. And yet... simpler times, we were easier to please back then.   

Here's the great Laurie Shaw, with a little bit of Brucie...

And I'm so sorry, honey
But I didn't have the foresight
And yeah, I said foresight and not Bruce Forsyth
But they're easily mixed up

Laurie Shaw - Flashback Friday

Yesterday, Charity Chic felt the need to apologise on behalf of the entire Scottish nation for The Tartan Army. I replied that the English had done much worse. And here's Fat Les to prove it...

Trains, Boats, Planes, Computers, 
Penicillin, Connect Four, 
Countdown, Generation Game, Telephones

Fat Les - Who Invented Fish & Chips?

In case you've blanked them from your memory, I ought to remind you that Fat Les was a short-lived 90s band made up of Blur bassist Alex James, actor Keith Allen, and artist Damien Hirst. They all should have known better.

Here's Squeeze to take that nasty taste out of your mouth...

I got a job down at the warehouse
I worked hard to pay the rent
Rehearsing almost every evening
Trying to make another dent
Along the road that I had chosen
The Generation Game of life
Today I'm walking by the river
Watching my children cycle by

Squeeze - Sunny

Today's post belongs to the obvious winner below. I'm sure many of you guessed it as soon as you saw the title of the post...

Home from work
Put the TV on
Get your kicks watching
Bruce on the old Generation Game

TV On The Radio #18: The Hitman & Her

Remember when there were only four TV channels to choose from and you had to watch whatever was on at the time (unless you had a video recorder in your bedroom, and really, who lived in a house with more than one video recorder?). 

I was a teenager in the late 80s, and a bit of a night owl. I would often stay up late on a Saturday, watching old Universal horror movies or whichever Psycho sequel ITV were showing that week, but there came a point when most of the other channels closed down for the night and I was still awake... so the only option left was The Hitman & Her.

I know a lot of my contemporaries would watch this show after returning home from a night clubbing, and in that regard it was the perfect thing to broadcast at 2 o'clock in the morning. But for anyone who hated clubbing, despised Pete Waterman (in my head, he belongs in the same category as Peter Stringfellow and half the Radio One DJs who were investigated by Yewtree) and found dance music said nothing to them about their lives... well, it really was time to go to bed. In fact, the only redeeming factor to the show was Michaela Strachan... although every week, I did find myself asking what the hell she was doing there? I hope she was well paid.

Scouting For Girls - Michaela Strachan

Here's some Laurie Shaw, who has featured here before. Always worth a listen...

And then you wanted to get wild
Michaela Strachan style
But I think your dad gets his ideas
From “Plain Facts For Old and Young” 

Laurie Shaw - Rollover

(You'll be glad to know - well, I was, anyway - that I couldn't find any songs that mentioned Pete Waterman by name.)

"Why the hell are you writing about a TV show you despised?", you may well ask. Blame my good blogging friend SWC / Barry Stubbs (other pseudonyms have probably been used) over at No Badger Required, who reminded me back in June that the track at the end of this post features, "possibly the best song to ever mention naff 90s late night telly series ‘The Hitman and Her’." (You've no idea how glad I was that he considered it naff too.)

To be honest, I thought / hoped that the track in question would surely be the only one to mention this dreadful two hours of TV (which ran for a mind-flaying 4 and a bit years). Then I discovered this song about coming home late from the pub and still thinking you need more alcohol...

My fridge is full, it's tinnies heaven
Grab a four pack and a few tins more
On with the telly, slump on the floor
The Hitman & Her, I thankfully missed
Who gives a sod? I'm totally pissed

Lawnmower Deth - Tinnies Heaven

Overall, it seems no one has a good word to say for The Hitman & Her. (Unless you know different...)

I don't know what you think of this country
But I think that it's going to be bad
Happy shopper ecstasy, Bingo with Jesus
The Hitman & Her - Christ! I feel as though I'm going mad!

I should point out that there are 78 complete episodes of The Hitman & Her available to watch on youtube. Your. Life. Is. Too. Short.

Words & Music #2: Weird Weekends

The coffee in my travel mug tasted off. Maybe I hadn’t rinsed the Fairy Liquid out properly, or maybe it was just that off-tasting water you get in the kettle sometimes, no real explanation for it. Whatever the cause, I couldn’t handle the commute without a coffee, so I decided to stop at the Co-Op petrol station and get a machine Costa. It was Friday morning, the roads were quiet and Google Maps was telling me the journey would only take an hour today, not 75 minutes, so an extortionately priced “Signature Blend” was, if not exactly enticing, then at least better than washing up water.

As I walked across the forecourt, a grubby-looking White Van Man sprinted past me, clearly eager to pay for his petrol and be about his day, ogling young women, driving aggressively close to other motorists, and screaming obscenities at both. Except… that wasn’t why he was in such a rush. Oh no. He wanted to get to the coffee machine first. Clearly he’d seen the look on my face, assessed my need, and decided his was greater. Either that or he was just an arsehole.

And so, I had to waste my time pretending to scour the Meal Deal sandwiches, while standing just close enough behind him to be in a sort of queue if anyone else with a desperate murder-you need for caffeine should try to butt in. And of course, White Van Man didn’t just want one machine coffee, he wanted three. My life was slowly ebbing away. And then he was done. At last, I stepped up to the machine to order my elixir… and that’s when I noticed.

No big cups.

Only the small ones.

I stormed out of the Co-Op in a huff, back to my car, and my off-tasting travel mug. Which didn’t taste so bad now, to be honest. Actually, it was all right.

Laurie Shaw is another artist I discovered through compiling those interminable posts about songs that randomly mention pop culture ephemera. He’s from the Wirral but currently resides in Cork. He’s incredibly prolific, having recorded over 100 albums according to bandcamp (7 of which were released in 2022), and the one with the best title is If You’re So Good, Then Why Haven’t I Heard Of You? Lately I've been very much enjoying Weird Weekends, which sounds a lot like pre-fame Pulp. Slightly sordid tales of yearning adolescent misadventures set to a lo-fi indie soundtrack. He’s even mastered the Jarvis yelp. Quite wonderful. He's a wonderfully natural storyteller...

We were in your room
And we were listening to your mum’s old records
You put the White Album on
And said this was their magnum opus
I didn’t know what you meant
But I could see down your vest
And then the grooves got out of focus

“There’s a party on on Saturday night,
You should come”
I said “I’d love to, but the lift in’s a pain
For my mum”
She said “well, you could stay at mine
And it might coincide with my mum
Doing nights in the hospital”

Laurie Shaw - Weird Weekend

Laurie Shaw – Inserts

If you’ve not caught it yet, Poker Face is very good. It’s by the guy he does the Knives Out movies and it's basically Columbo for the 21st Century. Natasha Lyonne brings her typically ramshackle Top Cat chutzpah to the role of a human lie detector on the run, stumbling across murders wherever she goes, then bumbling her way to delivering some kind of justice. Highly implausible, but very entertaining, and Lyonne is a natural successor to the legendary Peter Falk. Good soundtrack too, including…

The Louvin Brothers - Cash on the Barrel Head

Donald Fagen - The Goodbye Look

The Sweet - Fox On The Run

My brother lost his wallet in the pub last week. I don’t talk about my brother much, but here’s all you need to know to understand this story: he’s a retired builder. Now when I tell you that there was £700 cash in his wallet when he lost it… well, I just need to refer you back to the previous sentence.

When he realised his wallet was missing, he returned to the hostelry in question and asked if anyone had handed it in. They hadn’t, but the staff were happy to take a look at the CCTV. Sure enough, there was my brother enjoying his meal, and – whoops! – there goes his wallet onto the floor. Fast forward to after he’s left the pub and another couple take his table. And… oh, look, what’s this on the floor? Oh, it’s a wallet. I wonder what’s inside? Well, we better keep that safe… tell you what, why not put in your handbag just in case anyone unscrupulous should find it?

The police were informed, but my brother’s partner also decided to enlist the help of the Local Vigilante Action Syndicate (aka Facebook), posting a CCTV still of the woman with the wallet and asking if anyone could identify her.

A few hours later, they received a private message.

“That’s my sister. We haven’t spoken in 20 years since she shacked up with a former MP who’s also a paedophile, but she still lives next door to me. Here’s the address…”

Rather than pass this information onto the police (see paragraph #1), my brother instead chose to drive round to the address in question… but there was nobody in. So he put a note through the door with his phone number. I don’t know what the note said exactly, but something along the lines of “Give me my wallet back and I won’t shop you to the bizzies.” Not that my brother’s a Scouser, I just miss Jimmy Corkhill. A little while later he received a phone call and was invited round for tea.

Well, not tea, but he did get his wallet and all its contents back. When asked why the couple hadn’t handed it in to the bar, they replied, “Oh, we didn’t like the look of the bar staff.”

Don’t ask me why, but I’ve been listening to Grand Funk Railroad’s Greatest Hits lately. They’re a good time rock ‘n’ roll band, not quite up there with Steve Miller’s lot, but ploughing a similar furrow. For some reason, I always thought they were from Canada, which doesn’t make any sense since their biggest hit was We’re An American Band, but logic was never my forte. Here’s my favourite track from the compilation, originally taken from the album 1974 album All The Girls In The World Beware!! Ah, the 70s…

 

TV On The Radio #10: Coronation Street (Part 1)

For somewhere between ten and fifteen years of my life, I watched Coronation Street religiously. It was just you did. To be fair, it was only on twice a week back then, rather than every night and twice on Sundays, or whatever it is nowadays. I saw the lorry crash into the Rover's Return and the fire a few years later that nearly burnt the pub to the ground. I saw Brian Tilsley stabbed outside a nightclub and Alan Bradley hit by a tram while chasing after Rita in Blackpool. I saw Deirdre Barlow have her affair with Mike Baldwin and Ken's terrifying reaction (William Roache almost had to act that day!). And then I discovered Brookside and Corrie seemed twee in comparison. That's the thing with soap operas - one minute you're addicted, the next you're onto the next drug. It's funny though - I just mentioned the big tragedies that happened on the Street while I was watching it... but it seems they happen on a weekly basis these days, rather than once every few years. At least that's the impression I get from the front cover of the TV Times. 

Coronation Street's been on TV for 63 years now, and particularly in the 60s, 70s and 80s, everybody watched it. So if you were a pop star growing up in those days, it's no wonder you might have dropped a reference into one of your songs. 

We'll start today with a new discovery. Michael Knight. How could I not love a band named after the hero of Knight Rider, as played by The Hoff? Furthermore, this is from an album called I'm Not Entirely Sure How I Ended Up Like This. Which seems apt. It's not the easiest listen, but there's something about it I liked enough to buy their entire discography from Bandcamp, so I'll let you know about the rest of their output... 

I suppose I’ll soon tire of her charm
Unless first she grows tired of me
Our love will shine eternally
Though I guess there’re her gossip mags
And her beloved TV
It’s time for Coronation Street

Michael Knight - Coronation Street

Next up, the always-worth-a-listen Clifford T. Ward, who also likes to name-drop himself, with the T. included...

She likes her television
'Crossroads', 'Coronation Street'
And Robin Day's bow tie
She likes the quiz shows
Where people win a lot of money
And that makes sense to her
She likes to listen to the radio
Music, Clifford T., She says he's nice
He's flattered

Clifford T Ward - All Modern Conveniences

Watford's Sad Lovers & Giants have been doing their thing since 1980. Here they put forward a rather frightening notion...

The Martians have stolen my television
But they left my poetry
They're learning about our condition
By watching Coronation Street

Sad Lovers & Giants - Life Will Ill Us

No wonder the aliens never come to visit. They probably think we'll push them down the stairs and then hide their body in a disused building site round the back of the Rover's.

Richard Thompson sees TV as the new religion...

Jerusalem on the Jukebox, they talk in tongues on Coronation Street
Heaven help the Pharisee whose halo has slipped down to his feet
A thousand satellite comedians have died for your sins
Jerusalem on the jukebox, little angels, beat your wings

Richard Thompson - Jerusalem On The Jukebox

...while Stephen Randall is doing his best to get on Product Placement Friday...

Wake me up with cup of Tetley
A slice of Hovis
Eggs, bacon and beans
But the rain is falling down
It's falling down, it's falling down
On Coronation Street

Stephen Randall - England Back (Like Ray Davies Sings)

Especially for C, here's some more Crass...

The army occupy Ireland, but the boot will never fit.
Was it Coronation Street? Or was it Londonderry?
Oh it doesn't fucking matter, Paul Daniels'll keep us merry.

Crass - Nineteen Eighty Bore 

Not fans then, boys? Not like the Toy Dolls anyway, who seem obsessed with Corrie...

Sitting watching Coronation Street
You decide to put your feet up, just about comfy in your seat
And she says, I'm feeling hungry
If she sends you out for a bag of fish'n'chips
You'll know it is time to say

The Toy Dolls - Cheerio & Toodle Pip

That's just one example. We'll look at another next week.

Laurie Shaw is one of those musicians I discovered through doing features such as this. He reminds me of Jarvis at times. He has (according to Bandcamp) released over 100 albums. The ones I've heard are all worth a listen, but I doubt I'll ever have time to hear them all.

I was ill with jealousy
All through Coronation Street
But then I was fine
After a bit, I was alright

Laurie Shaw - Forest Floor

Redhouse Gasoline are from Finland. Yet they appear to know quite a bit about British culture...

When Cynthia’s eyes met Reg’s
He felt just like he’d known her for ages
His chat-up line was really short and sweet
Said she was glamorous enough to be on Coronation Street
She never did her GCEs
Her mum got sick she had to work at the factory
All she ever wanted was for someone to hold her
At the pictures late one night Reg slipped his arm round her shoulder

Redhouse Gasoline - Brighton Pier Ever After

All of which leads us to Billy, still banging on about the British press...

If this does not reflect your view, you should understand
That those who own the papers also own this land
And they'd rather you believed
In Coronation Street capers
In the war of circulation, it sells newspapers
Could it be an infringement
Of the freedom of the press
To print pictures of women in states of undress?

Those are the best songs I could find that mentioned Coronation Street by name. However, there are many more which mention some of the street's iconic residents. Next week, we'll take a listen to some of those. I've got quite a few stacked up, but if you know of any songs that namedrops a legend from the street, do let me know.

Celebrity Jukebox #20: Olivia Newton-John

I find it hard to believe that hundreds of songs have not been written about Olivia Newton-John. Anyone who was a teenager in the late 70s and became a pop star in the 80s should have written a tribute. The boys because they were in love with her, the girls because she was such a powerful role model.

For example, Juliana Hatfield recorded an entire album of Olivia covers. And it was a truly great record...

 

Olivia was also occasionally saddled with the "hilarious" nickname Olivia Neutron-Bomb. A nickname that inspired both a professional pillow fighter (thanks, the internet), a musical artist who needs a better publicist as I can't find any information about them at all online, and the following tune from a defunct Glaswegian indie band... 

We Are The Physics - Olivia Neutron Bomb

But what about the lady herself? Well, there weren't nearly as many lyrical tributes as there ought to have been. But here's a handful of note...

Helen Love - Sandra Dee

I gotta tell you you're the one that I want

They laughed when he

Called you Sandra Dee

They never had a clue

You'd be in Xanadu

If anyone was going to pay tribute to ONJ, it had to be Helen.

Busta Rhymes - Do My Thing

Y'all, you need to sing my song

With your similar features like Olivia Newton-John

That's a bit of a rap mouthful right there.

The Beautiful South - I May Be Ugly

When you feel like London

And you look like Hull

You think Travolta pulled Newton, John

Who did John Hurt pull?

Robbie Williams - Eyes On The Highway

For every second that I wasted, every secret that I told

Every lie I've ever whispered to everyone involved

I couldn't be more sorry about how I got things done

I just want to be John Travolta to Olivia Newton-John

Sham 69 - Sunday Morning Nightmare

Me dad don't want me coming home late from the disco

And me mum doesn't want me hanging around with the lads

Me brother thinks he looks like John Travolta

And me sister thinks she's Olivia Newton John

Summerled - Travolta

When you got them tight pants on

Like Olivia Newton-John

Travolta he's got nothin'

Cuz he don't move like I do

Momus - Akiko Masuda

Supercar baseball Abraham Lincoln

Newton John stripe individual projection

801 orange planet tape recorder vinyl bear

And the shirts we wear

Transonic Florida cheerleader set

Ballpoint boyfriend sticker club pet

Shades of Plastic Bertrand from the former Scottish music journo turned J-Pop afficionado.

Avi Vinocur - Minneapolis 1982 (But Maybe I'm Wrong)

Summer’s longer when you’re young

Whatever drugs you’re on

I think in June we overdosed

And saw The Wrath of Khan

I swore to god thе girl in front

Was Olivia Newton John

We tried to find hеr manager

And I woke up in the lawn

Laurie Shaw - Sophistication

She says “he bought me a drink and said we should do shots together

Well I don’t know, he’s nice and all but I much prefer Trevor

With his kind-of shy demeanour”

“Ah, yeah, but his dad’s a mentalist”

She says “I don’t care, I want to get myself into this

Oh, how I’d like to lose myself to him, he is the one I know it”

She says “Well if he’s the one

Then I’m Olivia Newton John”

And then she says “Ciara? Won’t you roll a fag for me?

I’m going to make him want me, come on ladies, let’s do

Sophistication

Blimey - he's listened to a lot of early Pulp. In a good way.

The Fauves - L.A. '86

LA '86 I quit my diet

And sitting idle

My weight ballooned

Called up Olivia Newton-John

She gave me a job

Selling Akubras at Koala Blue

OK, perhaps I found a few more than a handful. Apart from the Beautiful South and Helen Love tracks, they were all new to me... and with the exception of Busta Rhymes and Robbie Williams, they all bear further investigation. Particularly Avi Vinocur and Laurie Shaw.

However, the song I had in mind when I started this post is the one below. Batley Bob got out the steel drums for this tribute / critique of the 80s workout video craze led by Jane Fonda and soundtracked by Olivia's Physical.

You want her attention

Well you'll have to wait

She's in the gymnasium

Reducing weight

In shorts of a leotard

Despite her age

The girl's gonna exercise

Your life away

Sister don't you jog it all away

Sister don't you run it all off

Sister don't you jog it all away

Sister don't you rough it all up

Hey Olivia Newton-John

What you say?

Hey Olivia Newton-John

What you say?