Michael Jackson wrote this song in 1980. When the record
company told him to change the title, he claimed never to have heard the Elvis
song. The Jacksons still sing “Heartbreak Hotel” all the way through. Bearing
in mind that you can’t copyright a title, they should have left it as it was.
And so we reach the end of double digits on the Hot 100 Countdown, with lost 80s postpunk pioneers (they might not have been pioneers, I just couldn't resist the alliteration), Eleven Pond. Here they are in all their glory...
I'm actually surprised by how few 11 Songs I (and you) could find. Somehow, I expected there to be more. Still, we start the official Top Ten next week, so I imagine we'll be spoilt for choice then.
As is often the case, The Swede was first out of bed last Tuesday morning... with a selection of tracks I struggled to find any audio for on the interweb...
Then came Lynchie, who broke the first rule of Hot 100 Club with his first suggestion...
U2 - 11 O'Clock Tick Tock (The lyrics are crap but the guitar's pretty neat)
Sadly, I struggled to find a link for that anywhere on the interweb either. The difference being, I did at least try to find links for all The Swede's suggestions.
Fortunately, Lynchie redeemed himself (slightly) with this...
As it turns out, Charity Chic only had the following this week (which he called "My entries for this week and next!", though I'm sure he'll come up with something else for 10).
...which is definitely better than the REM song I was going to put forward this week...
Oh, hang on... Last Minute Arrival: here's Douglas McLaren with the same idea as me...
Late to the game again. I'm going with "Rotary Eleven", the b-side to r.e.m.'s Losing My Religion. I bought the cd single back in the day and was disappointed that it was an instrumental, but now after many years I have grown to really like it.
...which I'm not sure counts. However, knowing how stroppy Mr. Weller can get at times, we'll let him have it. Although... I'm sorry, Paul, but it's hardly Down In The Tube Station At Midnight, is it?
And finally, there was Brian, who also felt rather limited this week...
Like Saturday's quiz, you gotta get in early around here. All but one of mine taken already. I'll leave you with:
Having listened to all of the above... well, had that Lee Hazlewood track been in my collection, I might well have given it to him. And I was tempted by Sigue Sigue Spitnik, I really was... but 14 year old Rol kept screaming 'Nooooooo!'
In the end then, I went for this. I haven't listened to it in years, but I really enjoyed the first Magic Numbers album, and this was a favourite...
Next week - it's Bo Derek running towards Dudley Moore on a beach. Contemporary references my forte, as always. What's your pick of the Ten Songs?
Greetings, Mad Men & Women... here are this week's answers...
10. Two lumps for baby prince(s).
Two sugar lumps.
Apparently one of the Princes in the Royal Family is called Archie. I only just discovered this, and I couldn't help thinking of Breaking News by Half Man Half Biscuit...
"A woman who described herself as “A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex And The City” and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those who might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice: call him Rupert, it fits, and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie, with all its cheeky but lovable working-class-scamp connotations, unless you really do have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at Newton Abbot."
Yes, I know The Archies really looked like this...
...but pictured above are the male and female vocalists who actually sang on that track: Ron Dante & Toni Wine. The track was written by Dante and (previous Saturday Snapshotter) Andy Kim. There were a bunch of fake bands created by the record company who went around touring as The Archies back in the 60s, but they weren't the real thing. Believe me, a lot of unnecessary research went into sorting out this clue.
Sam's teacher told us at parent's evening that they're not allowed to call them "sums" anymore. They have to call them "calculations". I can't help but blame Michael Gove. Then again, I blame him for most things.
I wanna die with you Wendy on the street tonight In an everlasting kiss...
You know that girl your mother always warned you about? Well, my mother never warned me about her. I think the reason is that my mum recognised I was hopeless around girls, so why bother wasting her breath? The bad girls weren't going to be interested in me. Neither were the nice girls.Not even the hopeless girls...
The thing is, I wasn't really interested in the bad girls either. Certainly not at school. I found them rather obvious and annoying. So why I ended up fancying Wendy James, I really couldn't tell you. Yet whenever she appeared on Top of the Pops... well, invariably I ended up buying the single.
Just for the music, you understand. Transvision Vamp had some rattling good tunes and were a very underrated band and... and...
OK, mostly it was Wendy.
Which is unusual, because she wasn't my type at all.
I even bought her Elvis Costello-written solo album a couple of years later and thought it an excellent, mature piece of art. No, really I did.
3. Transvision Vamp - Landslide Of Love
My favourite Transvision Vamp single was this one. The guitars in the chorus always reminded me of the theme tune to Red Dwarf.
I had no idea until writing this feature that Wendy James was still releasing records, or that her latest, released just last year featured 50 year old Wendy... erm... sans clothes on the front cover. Disgraceful behaviour from someone of her age of course and I will not be endorsing that sort of filth here. Perhaps when I was a teenager, but I long since gave up any interest in the trappings of smut, thank you very much...
Cause the wind was my mother The highway is my brother I was born to wander And it's time for movin' on I was born to wander Turn around and I'll be gone, gone, gone
Look, you can come in here with your cool, hip, indie-kid shoes on... I wear those shoes plenty myself. But if you try and deny the supreme majesty of the Jove at their rocking best... well, don't let the door hit your backside on the way out.
It begins with Olivia as a sexy business woman (taking off her glasses) before it goes all Hammer horror with sword fights and children dressed as ninjas and then cut-price sci-fi as Olivia tries on her old Wilma Deering costume. Hence: it is genius.
I am proud to come from the generation who grew up knowing her as Olivia Neutron Bomb.
Stevie Nicks wrote this after an argument with Lindsey Buckingham. See also just about every other Fleetwood Mac song: whoever wrote them, they were generally about the various band members hating each other... or shagging each other... or hating each other again.
You've no idea how close Wendy came to being Number One. Probably my favourite Transvision Vamp song, even if it does rip off the theme tune to Red Dwarf at one point. (Or maybe Red Dwarf ripped this off... I can't be bothered to check which came first.)
I'll play this for my old mate Nota Bene who always gets very excited whenever I throw any TV into these lists... though not because he's a fan of their music. I expect he'll be watching this video with the sound down again, especially since Wendy James appears to have forgotten to wear the back of her dress.
1. Manic Street Preachers - Life Becoming A Landslide
Yep, I'd forgotten how good this was too.
My idea of love comes from
A childhood glimpse of pornography
Though there is no true love
Just a finely tuned jealousy
Secondly, my take on the public reaction to this event is one of fascination rather than jubilation. I don't see much value in celebrating the death of any old lady, whatever her many sins. Especially when the policies and ideologies she promoted are alive and well today, some might say stronger than ever. When they die, I'll be first in line for a party...
I am amused by the effect on the pop charts though, with Judy Garland, Elvis Costello and Hefner (among others) all enjoying huge sales this week. As someone who used to work in radio, I can only imagine the hair-pulling that's going on about whether those records will get played during this weekend's chart countdown. It's like the reverse of what happened with Elton John's godawful remake of Candle In The Wind when Diana died, only it's led by the public rather than the record companies, and it can now happen instantly rather than us all sitting around and waiting for Elton to get in a studio. (That said, I now have a perverse desire to see Elton record a new version of Candle... dedicated to Maggie. And watch him get stoned to death in Barnsley for doing it.)
Anyway, as I say, what's happened really doesn't change anything in our world. (Although I'll probably have to rewrite the script for Too Much Sex & Violence #6. Again.) What we really need to make things better... is a revolution. Or Ten...
Special mention to Revolution 9 (John Moore's old band) and Prince's original backing troupe.
Wendy and co. go stealing riffs from Bolan, which seems appropriate under the circumstances. This narrowly beat The Cult, which would have been a cooler 80s choice... but less honest.
Last night I had a dream
That the world had turned around
And all our hopes had come to be
And the people gathered ‘round
They all brought what they could bring
And nobody went without
And I learned a song to sing
The revolution starts now
While they`re standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in the unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion
Don’t you know?
They’re talkin’ bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
As testament to how strong this Top Ten is - in any other countdown, this would be #1 with a silver bullet.
has been covered by everyone from Lloyd Cole to the Violent Femmes, Kirsty MacColl to Soulwax... but I'm sure they'd all agree Marc did it best.
One of the coolest records ever recorded, this came so very close...
You will not be able to plug in, turn on and cop out.
You will not be able to stay home, brother. You will not be able to lose yourself on skag and skip, Skip out for beer during commercials, Because the revolution will not be televised.
...but in the end, I thought I'd go for a surprise choice:
1. The Beatles - Revolution
I'm always wary about giving a Number One to the Beatles - they had plenty before I even got here. But as much as I burnt out on this ubiquitous uber-band in my early 20s and can only cope with them in small doses nowadays, I still consider this song one of their greatest achievements. That guitar intro alone is one of the most exciting noises you'll ever hear. On the other hand, much as I consider The White Album their finest hour, I always thought Revolution 9 was a bag of cock.
Dar Williams wanders around a gallery with a friend, admires the Renoirs and muses on the sad death of Mark Rothko. Some folks were born with a foot in the grave...
And I dream of Michelangelo when I'm lying in my bed
I see god upon the ceiling I see angels overhead
And he seems so close as he reaches out his hand
But we are never quite as close as we are led to understand
Manchester's most beloved artist, L S Lowry, gave local lads Brian & Michael (aka Michael Coleman and... erm... Kevin Parrott) an unexpected Number One at the height of punk in 1978. The charts used to be SO much more unpredictably interesting than they are now.
I make no secret of the fact that I consider Jimmy Webb one of the greatest songwriters to ever walk the earth, although his songs are usually more famous when performed by others. This one's all Jimmy though. Lovely.
In which Mr. Richman finds a truly wonderful rhyme for the name of one of the art world's most famous sons...
Well some people try to pick up girls
And get called assholes
This never happened to Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist his stare and
So Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole
Jonathan Richman also wrote a song about Van Gogh. But someone else beat him to that...
1. Paul Simon - Rene & Georgette Magritte With Their Dog After The War
I always thought that was a funny name for a dog.
A beautifully evocative tribute to not only the Belgian surrealist painter, his missus and their dog... but also a host of 50s doo-wop bands Simon imagines might populate the Magritte's record collection.
I also found songs about Dali, Hopper and Toulouse Lautrec... but which one is hanging on your wall?
Look, I know you were expecting Shut Up by Madness, but I just didn't have room for it. Call it #11. If you're wondering how this made the chart when that didn't, the simple answer is... I never fancied Suggs when I was 16.
Written by Joe 'Games People Play' South and originally recorded by Billy Joe Royal (no, me neither). You may be more familiar with the Kula Shaker version. I won't hold that against you.
The next time Morrissey says something designed to get the collective knickers in a twist, everyone should consider one of his most honest lyrical declarations...
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking When I said I'd like to smash every tooth In your head
Oh ... sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking When I said by rights you should be Bludgeoned in your bed
Bigmouth strikes again And I've got no right to take my place With the Human race
One of my favourite Costello songs from his best album, Punch The Clock.
This town belongs to you and your tricks of confidence All the pavements for miles around are littered with your footprints Now every girl I get close to seems to be wearing your perfume And the clock strikes the letters of your name Both midnight and noon
I wish I'd never opened my mouth almighty...
1. Julian Cope - World, Shut Your Mouth
It may be flying in the face of fashion... but, beat this!
These are the songs I sing when I want someone to pipe down. Which one are you singing back at me right now?
