It was our anniversary on Tuesday. As we're not married, it was the 15th anniversary of our first date, on which Louise fell up the steps to the cinema, revealed that she doesn't like coffee (my staple diet) and cut the evening short because she was "tired, hungry and stressed". I didn't expect a second date.
Anyway, it was our anniversary, and though we'd both bought each other a card and (small) present, we forgot all about it on the day itself and so we didn't exchange them until the following morning.
When we finally opened the cards, although they were different , they had an identical message on the front.
Here's two old favourites that seem appropriate... though neither of them really capture anything about our relationship. That song has yet to be written...
My final story about the courtyard where we used to park our cars at night to stop them getting nicked, or at least to stop manual labourers getting in, to warm their barnacles...
At the time, I was kind of half-seeing a girl who also worked at the station. It was complicated, as these things usually are, because she was still living with her ex at the time. She worked a couple of nights answering calls for the phone-in, and occasionally I'd hang around and keep her company, after I'd finished my work in the record library.
One night I ended up staying right to the end of the show, and because the presenter had to rush off at 2am, we volunteered to hang around and "tidy up". Well, the "tidying up" took some time... get your mind out of the gutter, it was very innocent "tidying up". Well, for the most part. But after about an hour, we were both ready to go, and as I'd offered her a lift home (like I said, complicated), she went out the side door to open the courtyard shutters while I went to set the alarm, and exited through the front.
Except when I got outside, she told me she'd been rather surprised to find the shutters to the courtyard already open. We puzzled over this a bit, then shut the shutter and went home.
The next day, I arrived at work to find two policemen on their way out. I was immediately invited into the boss's office and shown CCTV footage of the courtyard from the previous night...
Only one vehicle was parked in the courtyard all the time: the radio station's roadshow van. The CCTV footage I was forced to watch... for what seemed like an eternity... showed the phone-in presenter opening the shutters and heading off at 2am. She later claimed she'd left the shutters open because she thought we'd be straight behind her. She obviously hadn't factored in quite so much "tidying up".
About ten minutes later (they kindly fast-forwarded through the stuff where nothing happened), a local hoodlum was seen hanging around outside the open shutters to the courtyard. He peered in, he looked around, he gradually plucked up the nerve to venture inside. Took one look at my car: not worth the hassle, not even for his barnacles. But that nice shiny roadshow van... that looked pretty tempting.
So he broke into it. But there was apparently nothing inside worth nicking and he was hardly a master Gone In 60 Seconds car thief. Hotwiring looks a lot easier in films than it is in real life, apparently.
For the next ten minutes then, I watched in excruciating embarrassment as the grainy CCTV footage revealed the hoodlum pushing the roadshow van from one side of the courtyard to the other. He let off the handbreak and tried to get up enough speed so that he could run back to the cab, jump back inside and... I dunno, bump start it? (Again, not the brightest.) He then tried pushing it from the driver's side, with the door open and one hand on the steering wheel. Back and forth, back and forth... but he was never going to get it out of the courtyard. Eventually he crashed it into the wall, pretty much back where it had started out, and then... well, I guess he just sat there for a while, inside the vehicle, cogitating on what to do next. Until he heard the door to the side of the building opening, and somebody coming up the stairs from the basement... and he scarpered out of the tunnel and back to the delinquent's training academy.
Incredibly, my own part in this travesty went unquestioned. Most people, even the boss, saw the funny side and the damage to the roadshow vehicle was minimal. Even the police had had a good laugh. I'm not sure if they ever caught the gentleman responsible, but that was pretty much it for the "tidying up" after that. Story of my life.
Any excuse to play this...
Tell me - how long've you been combing your hair with a wrench?
We went to Manchester today for a special VIP screening of Paddington 2, arranged by Louise's former employers. By the time we got back, the answers were all but sorted...
10. Political liars give Muffet top marks.
Spin Doctors are political liars.
If Little Miss Muffet got top marks, she would be Little Miss Can't Be Wrong.
One of those bands the musos always turn their noses up at, but I always loved this one - more than their bigger hit, Two Princes. At least Martin has no shame.
I probably over-egged the clue on this one, but I wasn't sure you'd remember it otherwise. Charity Chic probably recognised the picture and didn't even read the clue...
8. Crazy clerics on the road to narcissism.
Way too easy, but I couldn't resist this picture. I'll give this one to Rigid Digit just to stop Martin hoovering up all this week's points.
A Captain in the Navy is one rank below a Commodore (or something... go look it up yourself).
Children of the 80s will remember the Commodore 64 (although I myself had a Spectrum 48K - keeping it British... and crap).
There is a colloquial expression "built like a brick shithouse"... I'm not sure whether they say this in America, but Brian seemed to know what I was talking about.
I never learned to touch type. In fact, though I can type pretty damned fast, I only do it with one finger (two if you count the one on the shift key). If I was learning to touch type though, I might use this pangram...
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
Mykonos is "The island of the winds" (according to Iffypedia, anyway).
I didn't know that Gloria Jones was also Marc Bolan's girlfriend until I researched this post.
2. Russian landmark turns 3D because of the U.S.
Red Square is a famous Russian landmark... which would become Red Cube... or Red Box in 3D.
Martin got that too... but couldn't work out the rather obvious song "because of the U.S.". Really Martin? They only had two hits! Luckily, RD came to the rescue.
1. Resignation In Lieu Of an old Neighbour. Serving up food for #4.
Really difficult to come up with a clue for this band. I have no idea what Rilo is: the internet tells me it related to the above acronym, but I don't know if that's anything to do with the name of Jenny Lewis's former band... or if Miss Minogue was an inspiration either. But I do love this song, it has one of the best guitar hooks I've ever heard (specifically the bit after she sings "And then there is no mystery left" about 45 seconds in... and it crops up again later). I don't know why it affects me so much; I don't normally get hung up on guitar riffs.
Well done to CC, anyway.
Thank you all for taking part, as always. I'm glad you try to guess them before clicking on the comments section and reading everybody else's answers.
Let's celebrate the bank holiday weekend with a good argument, as so many couples do.
Here are ten of the best arguing couples on record... although I had plenty more to choose from, so don't be surprised to hear a Volume 2 one day soon...
Way, way back in the year 2000... before many of today's 16 year olds were even born... German musical actress Ute Lemper teamed up with the likes of Scott Walker, Nick Cave, Elvis Costello and the Divine Mr. Hannon for a "pop" album. This was one of the acrimonious highlights...
Neil:
I was there for you.
You were there for me...
And him,
And half of the western world it seems...
Ute:
No, baby, that's not fair,
There were two or three...
Okay.
...At most
But I don't like to boast.
I
first heard this duet as recorded by one of my favourite bands of the
noughties: The Indelicates. In fact, I'd be featuring their version here
if it was on youtube: they really do make it their own. Hunt it down if
you can.
In its youtube absence though, the original
recording by Loretta and Conway is pretty damned cool too. Because looks
ain't everything and money ain't everything...
Dexys' (minus the Midnight Runners of their youth) 2012 album One Day I'm Going To Soar is one of the greatest comeback records in the history of pop... and these two songs are undoubtedly the highlight. It all begins with a passionate fling between Kevin Rowland and new recruit Madeleine Hyland which goes awry when Kev admits he doesn't know how to love her. (Men!) After a bitter row, she chucks him out... which leads directly into the explanations and recriminations of the following track. Too-ray-aye this ain't...
John and Iris take turns listing their faults... but in spite of all that, they're still very much in love. Which is always nice to hear.
John:
She don't like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin' her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the Easter Bunny
She's my baby, I'm her honey
I'm never gonna let her go
Iris:
He ain't got laid in a month of Sundays
I caught him once and he was sniffin' my undies
He ain't too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like it's oxygen
He's my baby
And I'm his honey
Never gonna let him go
Space are unfairly remembered as another bunch of Britpop also-rans, but listen to this again and it's a thing of unique beauty that sets them on an entirely different platform from the likes of Cast, Menswear and those two idiot brothers. It's weird, yes, but never too self-consciously quirky. The lyrical detail saves it, along with the genius move of employing Cerys for guest vocals: who else could have sung, "I have never thrown my knickers at you!" with such conviction (not to mention perfectly setting up Tommy Scott's comeback, "And I don't come from Wales")?
Best thing about it? This was actually their biggest chart hit... although we probably remember them more for Me & You Vs. The World or Female of the Species. Seriously, give this one another listen and remember: this song was on radio station A-lists all across the country. That's something which would never happen today...
Paul Heaton has probably written more bickering couple songs than anyone else I can think of (see also You Keep It All In, Your Father & I, Even A Palm Tree, etc. etc.).
The beauty of A Little Time though is that on first hearing it sounds more like a traditional love duet. Heaton wisely chose not to sing this one himself, instead giving the male part to the much less sarky-sounding Dave Hemingway, while original Beautiful South femme fatale Brianna Corrigan could well be singing the Diana Ross part of Endless Love. Until you listen to the lyrics. Or watch the video...
Tom and Crystal love to have a good whinge about the state the other one leaves the house in... makes you think they deserve each other. Things do get a little personal at times though. Highlight for me is when Tom asks Crystal...
Tell me - how long have you been combing your hair with a wrench?
Another forgotten classic from the Britpop era in which Lush's Miki Berenyi trades barbs with Jarvis, celebrating the demise of their "relationship". Methinks they doth protest too much...
Jarvis:
'Cause I've met this girl and she's so good to me
She's really beautiful, fantastic company
Oh, when I'm with her I realise what love can be
'Cause she's fifty times the person you will ever be
Miki:
Good luck, mister, do you think I care?
Since you've been gone the offers have been everywhere
I've got a million guys just lining up for me
I've turned a corner, boy, my life is ecstasy...
Marsa was uncredited on Friedman's biggest hit, yet she plays an essential part. It's Dean's lyrics that make this most like a real couple's argument though. The song's filled with non-sequiturs, rhetorical questions, clumsy inference, misunderstanding, sarcasm and the two of them finishing each other's sentences. You may consider it cheesy 70s MOR (sax break and all), but it's much deeper and smarter than that.
Plus, unlike a lot of the arguments on this list, this one has a happy ending...
1. Otis Redding & Carla Thomas - Tramp
Nobody bickers like Otis & Carla... there's not a wasted line in this classic. Best bicker? Without question...
Carla: Look here. You ain't got no money. Otis: I got everything.
Carla: You can't buy me all those minks and sables and all that stuff I want.
Otis: I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, ...anything you want, Woman.
Tramp wasn't written as a duet. The original version by Lowell Fulsom is just one guy bragging about what a lover-lover man he is. The beat's been sampled by everybody from Joe Tex to Ice Cube to Prince (on 7). The song's been covered by everyone from Salt 'n' Pepa to ZZ Top to the Steve Miller Band. But no other version comes close to Carla and Otis...
What are the chances of you agreeing with any of those? Bloody zero! You'll just disagree to be awkward. I know you.
