Various songs you might need to consult a doctor about... although they'll probably tell you to stop wasting their time... if you can even get past the receptionist.
15. Flatulent Camberwick Green resident and apocryphal cabin boy.
The flatulent Camberwick Green resident would be Windy Miller. It's an urban legend though that Captain Pugwash had Roger The Cabin Boy in his crew.
Before we start this week's Coffee Break... I need your help.
Louise was telling me last week about a record her dad used to play when she was a kid. Apparently, towards the end of the track, you can hear the sounds of police knocking on the door and the band quickly flushing away the illicit drugs they were smoking before the rozzers knocked. Despite extensive google searching, I've been unable to work out what this song might be... so I'm throwing it out to you guys. Any ideas?
I've never been a smoker. I never saw the appeal of cigarettes, even when all the other kids at school were hanging around outside the local newsagents, trying to persuade older kids to go inside and buy them a pack of Benson and Hedges. I tried smoking once, when I was in my 20s and I was very drunk. And I only did it to impress a girl. Fortunately, it was too late for it to take hold, so that was my first and last cigarette. She didn't seem that impressed anyway.
I'm glad smoking cigarettes went out of fashion - for everyone's sake... but I kind of miss it too. I don't want to go back to people smoking in pubs and on buses, in restaurants and the cinema... even though that was the world we grew up in. The stale stench of cigarettes that was associated with so many of the places we grew up in, not to mention the fresh fug that often greeted you in such places... how is it possible to miss something you wouldn't ever want to come back?
It's surprising how many songs there are which link coffee with cigarettes. They used to go together like bacon and eggs, fish and chips, apple pie and custard... well, there are more songs about coffee and cigarettes than any of the above. Caffeine and nicotine are both stimulants, but many people smoked as a relaxant... so were the two drugs teaming up, counteracting each other or having a big scrap in a smoker's system? I found one study online that suggested a morning coffee helped beat nicotine cravings while another suggested that being both a smoker and a coffee drinker made you 8 times more likely to have a heart attack.
You rarely see anyone smoking a real cigarettes anymore. It's all bloody e-cigs nowadays, which some idiot decided were better for us... though clearly they're not. We already know they're bad, but we don't know the half of it, I reckon.
I'm reminded of adverts like these any time somebody tries to defend their vaping habit.
I don't yet know of any songs about drinking coffee and vaping at the same time, but vaping on its own is already starting to creep into the songwriter's lexicon. Ernie mentioned a tune just last week about Kids Vaping on the Double Decker Bus. And here's a couple more, firstly a great tune from Dougie Poole about the dangers of vaping in the workplace...
...and secondly, a cautionary tale from the hilarious* Wolves of Glendale, one of my favourite musical discoveries of 2024.
Mr. Happy, Mr. Tickle, Mr. Silly, Mr. Topsy-Turvy... when Roger Hargreaves created this Mr. Men, I think these might be some of the characters he rejected...
Castro your mind back 24 hours to yesterday's smoking Snapshots clues. I hope you didn't have to Fidel around too much to work them out.
I've only ever smoked about three cigarettes in my life, and each time I did, it was with the express intention of impressing a girl. And it never worked.
Caution: Cigarette Smoking May Be Hazardous to Your Health (and Self-Respect).
10. Inside the Boa Sisters.
Possibly the most obvious photo I've ever run here. The clue was academic. They haven't changed a bit. (Except to get more annoying.)
That's the original. You may be more familiar with the Nashville Teens version (they weren't from Nashville and were mostly in their twenties), but the clue wouldn't have been as good.
2. 11 + 4 + Half the words we speak.
The 11th letter of the alphabet is K. The 4th is D. The words we speak are language. Half of that...
Fortunately, George is back with more I Can't Songs.
Take it away, George...
There’s a LOT of “I Can’t” songs. A lot. You’ve already had ten, some good, some great and two brilliant ones, so here’s ten more, some good, some great, and two of which are simply brilliant, or toptastic if you prefer.
If you want slick 70s (or was it 80s?) pop you’ve come to the wrong place. Well, today you have. So no Hall & Oates, a perfectly decent and well-made pop song, but it’s not Top Ten material. Or Top Twenty, as I’m doing two of these. Nope, instead, you’re getting what is undoubtedly going to be the best song you hear all day, because this is beyond brilliant...
One of those powerful songs that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and just listen. (Not one to play in the car, then). Every time I hear it I can’t do anything but put my listening ears on. From an album you absolutely must have in your collection, Live at Carnegie Hall.
That’s Walter, our pigeon, rescued at the bottom of the farm. He has a wounded wing that will never heal properly; instead of releasing him to be eaten by Billy, we are keeping him. A coop is currently under construction for him. Walter, not Billy. And Walter the pigeon is actually a dove.
That song is not to be confused with the Steve Winwood song, the latter is not an “I can’t” song but a “Can’t” so The Swans will not be in this list. But Otis is!
Another Walter song, that one. "I can’t turn you loose……. because either Shaggy or Billy, or both, will kill you and eat you” as Otis never sang, but it does scan.
A Top Ten without a country song? Is that possible? Of course not.
It would of course be perverse not to include that Ray Charles song, but it is what I am doing, I’ve never liked it or indeed the vast majority of anything I’ve heard by him. And it would certainly be thrawn in the extreme not to include maybe the best known I Can’t song, the one with that uses brackets...
They’re Italian. Unlike Yvonne Elliman. We (Jo and I, not Yvonne and I) were watching something on tv and “Everything’s alright” was featured. I knew most of the lyrics, knew when Judas’ part was coming, knew when Ted Neeley sang. So I’m going to shoehorn this in...
It’s the way the music gets going at 20 seconds in, that signature WIllie Mitchell “Hii Rhythm Section” sound and arrangement, that slow-almost-lethargic music, it’s a perfect soul song.
And please note that Stink, via The Police, is excluded on taste and because it’s “Can’t Stand Losing”. Bad Company, though, are ineligible only because, again, it’s not an “I can’t” song. You could of course argue that Yvonne Elliman should also be excluded, to which I say “Do your own Top Ten”.
Thank you, again, to Rol, for posting this piece. I hope I don’t lose you too many readers.
No, thank you, George. And don't worry: I can't lose what I don't have.
I closed with the original version of George's opening tune. Though I was tempted to go with the Hall & Oates.
The Guest Post door is always open, if anyone wants to try the handle. But don't feel obliged.
It's a cheesy old line, but Roger Taylor was onto something there. I've always listened to night time radio to help me through the long lonely hours, to stop my mind racing at 3am, to take comfort from music and a friendly voice.
A few years back though, radio was supplanted by streaming. Although there were a couple of shows I listened to, I found myself losing interest in a lot of night time radio (or my favourite old shows were one by one taken off the air and replaced by bland, airbrushed blah... i.e. Radio 2 over the past five to ten years.
Night time radio's a tricky one, because it can't be too loud. I loved Peel, but rarely listened to his show to calm my troubled mind or help me get to sleep. Because you never knew when he was going to play some screeching unlistenable toss to shake you out of your slumbers.
Recently, and largely due to the increased anxiety of these uncertain times, I've listened to a lot more radio. These are my favourite shows right now to keep me company through the wee small hours. Thanks to BBC Sounds (the iPlayer was better, but... progress), I can listen to any of these whenever I want. The majority are on the BBC purely because I can't listen to commercial radio. Don't even start me on the sorry state of that medium. I worked in it for 25 years and it breaks my heart what they've done to it. Besides, there's nothing relaxing about your late night radio being interrupted by an ad break. Take it from one who used to write the bloody things.
I record these here for posterity, for my own memories, to remind me of what gets me through the nights, as Mick used to sing. A sample track is given for each.
Only just discovered this because Chuck Prophet is one of the DJs. Free streaming country music. If you like that sort of thing. Which I increasingly do.
Only at number 9 because I don't really listen to them at night time. I do catch up with them on a weekend morning though, comfy as an old pair of slippers. Back in the day, Radcliffe meant as much to me as Peel did to an earlier generation. I'm glad he's still doing what he does best: wittering on the wireless. And Sam has liked Stuart Maconie ever since he won on Richard Osman's House of Games.
Stumbled across Ralph on BBC Radio Ulster and got rather addicted to his Country and Rock & Soul shows. Only an hour and a half (they've cut him down recently, which is a shame) but he's a similar age to me and even more addicted to music. Often does themed shows - last week he did 90 minutes of Otis Redding and other people singing Otis's songs. It was a bloody good listen.
Huey's early Saturday morning Radio 2 show is still an essential download. They took it off the air for a few months during lockdown and I really missed it. It's not as good as it used to be when he was on at 3am, or even midnight, and you can tell he's toned his act down in recent years to keep the Radio 2 bosses happy. But he's still a good radio friend, even though he breaks the "talking directly to you" DJ rule by continually addressing his listeners as "ladies and gentlemen". His 6Music show is also a good listen, but too loud for nights. His favourite Queen song is Dragon Attack and he plays it every three weeks or so. It's not one I care for that much, but I like that he gets away with it. Plus it's the place I first heard this beauty...
On Radio Scotland - which is basically what Radio 2 should be, and confirms for me once again that I have far more in common with my Scottish pals than many of my own countrymen. Roddy is a singer songwriter in his own right (he's played with Kris Kristofferson, so credit where it's due) and that's his bag on the radio. He likes a lot of the same obscure indie songwriters I dig, and has introduced me to a few new ones. Always worth dipping into.
The king of late night Scottish radio, though I never knew him when he was at his peak. Glad to have discovered him in the last few years though. Radio like it used to be. Plus his lyric quiz frequently gets me wracking my brains. I used to think I was pretty good with spotting lyrics...
Laidback Sunday afternoons, and the only 6music show that doesn't try too hard to be hip. Guy's natural northern delivery really does feel like a friend chatting to you in the pub. Now with added Simon Armitage, so what's not to love? (As Radcliffe always says.)
I used to get pissed off with pop stars becoming radio hosts... almost as though they were doing professional DJs out of their jobs. Thankfully, pop stars are now doing a great job of saving radio... and they generally get left alone to play what they want rather than having to conform to the shackles of playlists like Rex Bob Lowenstein did.
Anyway, Ricky Ross. The bloke out of Deacon Blue. Turns out he loooooves country music. And he knows how to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you'd told me a few years ago that my favourite radio show would be presented by a woman from TV's Bargain Hunt, I'd have laughed in your face. But I am addicted to Natasha's Thursday evening Radio Scotland show... I usually listen to it on Friday and Saturday nights and to say it's a highlight of my week is really no overstatement.
I'm not sure I can explain why. Natasha is a good 15 years younger than me, unlike most of the presenters above who are either my age or older. And unlike a lot of the shows above, I reckon I usually know between 30 and 50% of the songs she plays. But no other presenter I can think of captures the eclecticism of Peel (without the loud bits - so perfect for my ageing ears), moving effortlessly from Television to Chicken Shack, Yo La Tengo to Can, Dawn Penn to Devo. I never know what she's going to play next, only that I'll like it. This is what radio should be. Long may she reign, the Queen of (my) late night radio...
Guest Post Thursday will return soon... otherwise, you might have to put up with more of this waffle.
Blackpool's Section 25 give us our image this week, a post-punk band who have been in the go since the late 70s and are still going... having recently been sampled by Kanye West, of all people. Here's Looking From A Hilltop.
Before we begin with your suggestions for Number 25, a quick reminder of Ezekiel 25:17, for anyone who doesn't know their Bible verse (as rewritten by Quentin Tarantino).
Oh, and let's get the Christmas songs out of the way too, shall we?
That's always allowed, George. How could I disqualify those sideburns and the ultimate drinking & driving pop song? Although google informs me that the lyrics go like this...
Always got time for the DBTs, Lynchie. Channelling the Stones on that one, I think.
Now here's C to bring all us old farts into the 21st Century...
I must put in a good word for young Liverpool lad Louis Berry and his cracking song 25 Reasons. It's only a couple of years old but has that 60's R'n'B thing going on, with a pinch of Dr Feelgood too. Go for it!
Imagine that. A time when the Bobster wasn't even 25! That has featured here before. So I'm sure I must have done the "If he's sitting on a barbed wire fence, that'll explain why his voice sounds like it does" gag. If not, you can have it for free.
One more from The Swede... even though I'm starting to feel like Jez must have done in the most ridiculous excesses of The Chain (coming back soon, apparently).
Dang! I blame the time zone difference here in Canada, but when I awoke at 6:00 a.m. to get an early bid in for Dukes of Stratosphear's 25 O'Clock and Zager and Evans' In The Year 2525, I found I was a few hours behind Martin. No problem, I think to myself, I'll give it some more thought, and get the rest of my bids in during my lunch hour. Would't you know it, when I go to check at lunch there are fifteen comments now, and Rigid Digit has taken another of my sure-fire guesses in Mandela Day.
So I'll start instead with a couple clever covers. How about They Might Be Giants' cover of The Dukes of Stratosphear's 25 O'Clock? I know TMBGs get a lot of love around here, so let's go with that, for the steal...
That Ian Brown cover is my favourite. But back to Douglas...
Strangely (?), I could find no one who took on a cover of Simple Mind's Mandela Day, let alone offering any kind of hope for "improvement" on the original.
You can't improve on perfection, Douglas. Apparently.
So that leaves me with one original, and not for the first time, I find myself offering from among the oeuvre of one Paul Heaton that deal with his take on aging. How about "Prettiest Eyes" by the Beautiful South, which contain the following seasonally appropriate reference to Christmas:
Let's take a look at these crows feet, just look
Sitting on the prettiest eyes
Sixty 25th of Decembers
Fifty-nine 4th of Julys
Not through the age or the failure, children
Not through the hate or despise
Take a good look at these crows feet
Sitting on the prettiest eyes
Luckily, I have a few more years before I have to worry about any of that myself.
In the end, while it could have been Zager & Evans... or Chicago... Johnny, Mott or The Beautiful South... this week's winner's trophy actually goes to George.
Yes, George.
Who's have thought it?
But his final suggestion trumped all other contenders...
Tramp by Otis Redding and Carla Thomas. Just before the things with the Cadillacs there's a 25 cent lyric...
That's right, you haven't even got a fat bankroll in your pocket...
You probably haven't even got twenty-five cents
Greatest duet ever recorded? Could be.
I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, anything you want, woman!
Thank you all for your help. But if you think 25 was a big post... wait till we get to next week! Try not to get too carried away. I might just go with the really obvious one. (Or the really obvious one to me.)
Oh, one final thing. Unless they're amazing suggestions, I'm going to stop allowing lyrical 24s (and so on) as we get nearer number one. Let's face it, there are way too many. So you'll have to be really persuasive if you want to sell me on a lyrical reference from now on. Sorry.
Put your Umbrella away and stop staring at your Diamonds (maybe put some clothes on too) because it's time for the answers to this week's Saturday Snapshots.
Some fierce competition yesterday morning between Rigid Digit and George... I think RD just clinched it, but it was pretty close. Good support from the rest of you, although I don't think anyone cracked my fiendish cryptic crossword clue for the Eddie Reader song. Thanks for playing, as always, guys...
It took me ages to remember what Dido had to to with Otis, since it seemed obvious that "resting on the harbour wall" referred to (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay. Then I remembered: "Dido resting" was an anagram.
Take A Bow if you got them all right... more next week.
(Who knew both Madonna & Rhianna had songs called Take A Bow? Made my job much easier this weekend.)
