Damn it - I missed that conference. If I'd known about it before, I'd have been there like a shot.
Cryptozoology is the study of animals that are legendary, extinct, or unknown, and whose existence is disputed or unsubstantiated. Not that anyone in their right mind would dispute Bigfoot or Nessie... but there are some crazy folk out there.
That's Huey Morgan's favourite Queen song. He used to do a Radio 2 show in the middle of the night between Friday and Saturday that I always used to listen to (one of the last Radio 2 shows I bothered with) and he'd play that every other week.
And next, we have a best straight out of the old testament, And next, we have a best straight out of the Old Testament, whose "bones are tubes of bronze, his limbs like bars of iron”...
As a follow-up to yesterday's post about the power of boredom, here are some song titles in similar vein. As we've got Barbra Streisand socking it to Ryan O'Neal above, in the 1979 movie The Main Event, I thought we'd let Babs kick off proceedings today...
That one was written by the songwriting team of Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen who also wrote a bunch of classic Frank Sinatra hits including High Hopes, Come Fly With Me and the majestic All The Way. Nothing boring about those guys.
Still, at least Babs only finds love boring. These guys are bored with pretty much everything...
I always admire a title that spills over onto the next line. The Front Bottoms are from New Jersey. Iffypedia explains their name, in case you can't work it out for yourself. They also quote singer Brian Sella: "This is our name. If you don't like it then you don't like it."
Next we have Jason Lytle, with a song he presumably wrote about The Supreme Leader of North Korea...
Blimey. What a bunch of bores. Still, as the aforementioned Manchester miserablist turned dubiously-opinionated bore once had it...
What really lies Beyond the constraints of my mind? Could it be the sea With fate mooning back at me? No, it's just more lock-jawed pop-stars Thicker than pig-shit Nothing to convey They're so scared to show intelligence It might smear their lovely career
I can't have been the only person to hear those words echoing in my ears the moment I read about the sudden death of Jane Birkin last week. There's not many pop stars who can claim to have had a record condemned by The Vatican.
Although most will remember her for that song, and her tumultuous relationship with Serge, the English woman who became a French icon also recorded with everyone from Franz Ferdinand to Ian McCulloch, as well as being a successful actress, political activist and giving her name to a designer handbag. The number of rap songs that refer to the "Birkin bag" made compiling this feature an arduous task... but here's a few tunes that pay tribute to Jane herself instead...
Ed Harcourt is almost old enough to remember Jane at her peak (but he's still younger than me). Charlie Hickey, on the other hand, doesn't look old enough to know Jane's daughter Charlotte...
Dressed like Jane Birkin, but you look like a kid Wish you lived in a decade when you didn't exist
I play Charlotte Gainsbourg, Bambou and Jane Birkin at my party But when the radiant night is over and the sun begins to shine I kiss the simple lover who is mine
Unloved is a collaboration between soundtrack maestro's David Holmes (yes, that one) and Keefus Ciancia (no, me neither), along with singer Jade Vincent, who clearly has been chanelling a little of the Birkin mystique...
She dreams of Jane Birkin and talks in Serge's voice Mother's been a bad girl Mother had no choice
Back in my 20s, when I had an abundance of free time and the world still made a vague sort of sense, I read (on average) a book a week. As well as the Stephen Kings and Dean Koontzs of my teenage years, I delved further into proper literary fiction, read the weekly book reviews in the paper, and sampled the cream of contemporary novelists. Some struck a particular chord and became longtime favourites - the late Iain Banks was top of that list - while others, like Julian Barnes, produced one or two books I thought were excellent... but others that left me cold. Martin Amis was firmly in the latter camp.
The son of respected satirist, Kingsley Amis, Martin was often described as the enfant terrible of the literary scene in the 80s and 90s. He posed for photos like the one above, clearly trying to cultivate a Bowie-esque mystique, and wrote books that mocked the worst excesses of capitalist society and the common man. There's no denying his talent as a writer, but his books were often a hard read, full of what one critic described as "the new unpleasantness". Only his light-hearted 1973 debut, The Rachel Papers, and Times Arrow, the story of a Nazi doctor told in Benjamin Button-style reverse narrative, stick in my mind as books I'd want to read again... but increasingly these days, I have less time for literary fiction that stretches my brain and just go looking for a good yarn to relax in. What would Martin Amis say to that?
"No one wants to read a difficult literary novel or deal with a prose style which reminds them how thick they are. There's a push towards egalitarianism, making writing more chummy and interactive, instead of a higher voice, and that's what I go to literature for."
I'm rather happy being a thicko, Martin. Here are some songs which mention your name... starting with one that place both you and your dad into a catalogue of literary greats... with a cough and a burp.
The Spanish Amanda were a North London indie band who came together in the late 90s, and produced some fine records like this future Celeb Jukebox entry...
Their back catalogue is available as "Name Your Price" downloads in bandcamp, should you be interested. But what's this got to do with Martin Amis, you ask? Well, The Spanish Armada now go under the name The Chickpea Darlings, and here they are with a song about the year I turned 16... except, they claim, "It's not really about 1988. It's about now."
We end with the title track of an album that was heavily influenced by Martin Amis, particularly his 1989 novel London Fields. If you've never read one of his books, this song tells you everything you need to know... whether you like it or not.
I was too young to watch The Sweeney when it first aired in the mid 70s. All that violence, bad language and people being told to get their trousers on was too much for my young, impressionable mind. I did catch the repeats in the 80s, but by then I was more familiar with John "Regan" Thaw from Inspector Morse and Dennis "Carter" Waterman from Minder.
The Sweeney was a groundbreaking show in that it started to show the darker side of the force - from coppers who bent the law to get the job done to out and out corruption for personal gain. This coincided with a nasty time for the Scotland Yard Flying Squad the show was named after... and judging by recent reports, very little has changed in the past fifty years.
Oh, and it's another show with a legendary theme tune, written by jazz pianist and Georgie Fame collaborator Harry South...
Last week, Rigid Digit reminded us that certain TV theme tunes appear to have been written soi that you can sing the name of the show over the dominant musical phrase of the tune. The Sweeney follows Hill Street Blues in that: "The Sweeney - The Sweeney - ba ba ba ba baa ba ba ba - The Sweeney - The Sweeney..." etc. I half-expected that technique to have been used on this track by The Filthy 3... but they rather botch it. Still, the video includes some entertaining cameos from the likes of Alvin Stardust, Frank Sidebottom and Terry Duckworth...
There's a whole story behind the creation of this next "lost" 1979 single by the band Speed of Life. It may well be a complete work of fiction, but it's a compelling one.
Of course, if you're not a Londoner, you might have trouble understanding the banter between Regan and Carter. Fortunately, Smiley Culture is here to help...
But first let me tell you more about the Cockney
Who live comfortably and have them yacht by the sea
And when it come to money most of then have plenty
But where them spend it? In the bookie
Lose it all on the dogs or on the gee gees
Or paying off them bribes to the Sweeney
So dem nah go do no time fi no armed robbery
Or catching anything that fell off the back of a lorry
That lyric's clearly a reference to today's undisputed champion... surely the greatest #2 hit to ever feature a whole verse devoted to popular TV cops...
The Sweeney's doing ninety 'cause they've got the word to go
They get a gang of villains in a shed up at Heathrow
They're counting out the fivers when the handcuffs lock again
In and out of Wandsworth with the numbers on their names
It's funny how their missus always look so bleeding same
And meanwhile at the station there's a couple of likely lads
Who swear like, "How's your father?" and they're very cool for cats
They're cool for cats
A rare lead vocal from Chris Difford too, looking about 12 in this video...
There are certain celebrities who are arguably more famous for the song they appear in than for their own career. I'm not sure Bette Davis is quite there yet, but all it'll take is Rhianna or Adele doing a cover of that Kim Carnes song and it'll be Whatever Happened To Bette D? Bela Lugosi, on the other hand, is surely known by more people now because of the Halloween favourite by Bauhaus than for any of his classic horror film performances.
The internet tells me "Bauhaus bass player David J wrote this song's lyric after bingeing on vampire movies that were showing on TV in England (this was before Netflix)", which is the kind of quote that makes me want to punch all Millennials in the face. Imagine true horror - "a world before Netflix"!
White on white translucent black capes
Back on the rack
Bela Lugosi's dead
The bats have left the bell tower
The victims have been bled
Red velvet lines the black box
Bela Lugosi's dead
Undead undead undead
The virginal brides file past his tomb
Strewn with time's dead flowers
Bereft in deathly bloom
Alone in a darkened room
The Count
Bela Logosi's dead
Undead undead undead
Bela Lugosi's Dead has been covered by a list of obvious suspects, including The Damned and Nine Inch Nails, but by far the best alternative version is this...
The song is considered the first Goth rock record (and my amazing powers of precognition tell me it'll be Number One in the No Badger Required "Goth! Show Me Magic" countdown which ends this morning). As such it gets its own references in the following tunes...
You'll have to listen to that one yourself if you want the reference because, "This artist does not want the lyrics to this song be posted on the internet."
And while this one doesn't mention Bauhaus directly, I reckon they had it on repeat in the studio...
You can see all the stars as you walk down Hollywood Boulevard
Some that you recognize, some that you've hardly even heard of
People who worked and suffered and struggled for fame
Some who succeeded and some who suffered in vain
Rudolph Valentino looks very much alive
And he looks up ladies dresses as they sadly pass him by
Avoid stepping on Bela Lugosi
'Cause he's liable to turn and bite
But stand close by Bette Davis
Because hers was such a lonely life
Bela Lugosi's story is a tragic one, plagued by type casting, dwindling fame, alcoholism and drug addiction. If you've seen the movie Ed Wood, you'll remember Martin Landau's stand out performance as a latter day Lugosi. I can't help but think of that when I listen to the song above. Speaking of Ed Wood, Bela also makes a cameo appearance in this slice of glorious nonsense...
Here's Brian Wilson's mate, with some lyrics I can't quite make out (though I disagree with what the interweb thinks they are) although they do namedrop Bela alongside Bing Crosby and Mae West...
Death will be unlike the charge of the Light Brigade
Alfred Lord Tennyson rhymed
Death will be unlike the thin piece of paper
That Reagan and Gorbachev sign
Death will be unlike the night thoughts of 'Late Call'
When ministers stop being cosy
Death will be unlike 'The Pit and the Pendulum'
Co-starring Bela Lugosi
I'll be honest: there were so many songs that referenced Bela Lugosi, I started to wonder what death would be like when faced with the prospect of listening to them all. So I gave up. But not before I'd discovered this glorious artefact from Malcolm Tucker and the Twelfth Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi, back when he was just a young lad in a post-punk band...
I find it hard to believe that hundreds of songs have not been written about Olivia Newton-John. Anyone who was a teenager in the late 70s and became a pop star in the 80s should have written a tribute. The boys because they were in love with her, the girls because she was such a powerful role model.
For example, Juliana Hatfield recorded an entire album of Olivia covers. And it was a truly great record...
Olivia was also occasionally saddled with the "hilarious" nickname Olivia Neutron-Bomb. A nickname that inspired both a professional pillow fighter (thanks, the internet), a musical artist who needs a better publicist as I can't find any information about them at all online, and the following tune from a defunct Glaswegian indie band...
OK, perhaps I found a few more than a handful. Apart from the Beautiful South and Helen Love tracks, they were all new to me... and with the exception of Busta Rhymes and Robbie Williams, they all bear further investigation. Particularly Avi Vinocur and Laurie Shaw.
However, the song I had in mind when I started this post is the one below. Batley Bob got out the steel drums for this tribute / critique of the 80s workout video craze led by Jane Fonda and soundtracked by Olivia's Physical.
There really was only one Adam who could illustrate the Top Ten Adam Songs that you have helped me compile over the last week. Jim in Dubai was surprised by how many Adam Ant songs he had in his collection... but there's no such thing as too many Adam Ant songs, surely? And I know this is after he lost his Ants, but I still don't think it gets better than this...
There were, of course, other Adams in contention, including Adam Faith, Adam Green, a couple of Beastie Boys and Adam's House Cat... though I'm afraid to say that surnames are not allowed (those darned rules!) so no room for Bryan or Ryan, Tony or Rick... and definitely no room for Adamski, sorry to John Medd. I'm afraid Killer still gives me nightmares, John, and you did no favours by suggesting it was a "banger" since that term should only be used for sausages and fireworks. At least you didn't say it "dropped" in 1990... that really would have got you a three post suspension.
However, the idea of this series is that I collate ten tunes which have Adam in the title or the lyrics... from your suggestions, and my own. Nobody actually suggested any lyrical Adams this time, though you could have had...
...which is a top tune, but (under the rules) would only fit into the Top Ten Tony Songs... which I've already done. Although maybe it's time for a second volume?
You know I love old musicals and in Call Me Madam one of Irving Berlin’s songs is Mrs Sally Adams. All about a wealthy widow turned socialite. It won’t be in your Top Ten and probably breaks a rule with the extra ‘s’ but enjoyed watching the clip from the film with a young Donald O’Connor and Ethel Merman in fine fettle (she reminded me of Rizzo from Grease).
A brand new one next, from my old local pal The Poet Laureate, Simon Armitage, and his new band LYR. I will feature their new album again soon, because it's a belter.
I appear to have a song called The Adam Faith Experience by Jesse Garron & the Desperadoes from the Big Gold Dreams boxset, says Charity Chic. And Brian had it too. Now I want it!
Jim in Dubai kicked us off with this one, which he explains thus:
A great song by Momus from his album where people paid money to him to have a song written about them to help him pay some legal bills I believe, this one obviously came from a Mr Adam Green.
I did wonder if the Adam Green in question was George's favourite Adam Green (from The Moldy Peaches)...
There will be plenty of people who tell you that Weezer haven't been any good since (insert early Weezer album here, probably Pinkerton). To those people, I ask them again to listen to this.
God took a rib from Adam
Ground it up in a centrifuge machine
Mixed it with cardamon and cloves
Microwaved it on the popcorn setting
While Adam was like, "Ooh ooh! That really hurts!”
Going off into the tundra
So pissed at God
And he started lighting minor forest fires, stealing osprey eggs
Adam & Eve crop up in lots of songs because they were the first lovers... and it didn't end too well, did it? Still, they did inspire Billy to write one of his very best love songs.
Walking in the park, kissing on the carpet
And your tights around your ankles
Late at night a lover thinks of these things
Adam and Eve are finding out all about love
Teresa and Steve are finding out all about love
1. Bruce Springsteen - Adam Raised A Cain
As was traditional on the Hot 100, The Swede was first in... and he hit the nail on the head with his first guess. No surprises, really. I'll try to be less predictable in future weeks...
I know George doesn't like Bruce, but maybe I can tempt him with this Biblical epic...?
(Probably not.)
Thank you for your participation. I thought it might take a couple of weeks to get this feature going, but most of you stepped up to the challenge immediately.
They won't all be as easy as Adam though. Take next week... we're sticking with the letter A, and a name that's close to all our hearts. The only snag? One song will dominate our thinking. It's the obvious Number One, but can we find another nine to back it up? That is your challenge. Remember, lyrical references are allowed... but no surnames.
NEXT WEEK: OUR TOP TEN ALISON
(OR ALLISON & ALYSON*! Alternate spellings are allowed.)
SONGS
(I'll even allow abbreviations such as Allie... though this won't always be the case.)
(*Although Alyson may consider this the only true spelling?)
Get your thinking caps on... and join me back here next Tuesday.
And so we reach the end of double digits on the Hot 100 Countdown, with lost 80s postpunk pioneers (they might not have been pioneers, I just couldn't resist the alliteration), Eleven Pond. Here they are in all their glory...
I'm actually surprised by how few 11 Songs I (and you) could find. Somehow, I expected there to be more. Still, we start the official Top Ten next week, so I imagine we'll be spoilt for choice then.
As is often the case, The Swede was first out of bed last Tuesday morning... with a selection of tracks I struggled to find any audio for on the interweb...
Then came Lynchie, who broke the first rule of Hot 100 Club with his first suggestion...
U2 - 11 O'Clock Tick Tock (The lyrics are crap but the guitar's pretty neat)
Sadly, I struggled to find a link for that anywhere on the interweb either. The difference being, I did at least try to find links for all The Swede's suggestions.
Fortunately, Lynchie redeemed himself (slightly) with this...
As it turns out, Charity Chic only had the following this week (which he called "My entries for this week and next!", though I'm sure he'll come up with something else for 10).
...which is definitely better than the REM song I was going to put forward this week...
Oh, hang on... Last Minute Arrival: here's Douglas McLaren with the same idea as me...
Late to the game again. I'm going with "Rotary Eleven", the b-side to r.e.m.'s Losing My Religion. I bought the cd single back in the day and was disappointed that it was an instrumental, but now after many years I have grown to really like it.
...which I'm not sure counts. However, knowing how stroppy Mr. Weller can get at times, we'll let him have it. Although... I'm sorry, Paul, but it's hardly Down In The Tube Station At Midnight, is it?
And finally, there was Brian, who also felt rather limited this week...
Like Saturday's quiz, you gotta get in early around here. All but one of mine taken already. I'll leave you with:
Having listened to all of the above... well, had that Lee Hazlewood track been in my collection, I might well have given it to him. And I was tempted by Sigue Sigue Spitnik, I really was... but 14 year old Rol kept screaming 'Nooooooo!'
In the end then, I went for this. I haven't listened to it in years, but I really enjoyed the first Magic Numbers album, and this was a favourite...
Next week - it's Bo Derek running towards Dudley Moore on a beach. Contemporary references my forte, as always. What's your pick of the Ten Songs?
I have to admit that when Jim in Dubai suggested a band called Seventeen to illustrate this week's edition of the Hot 100, I did wonder if he meant the Indonesian boy band.
Fortunately, he has a much better memory than me for bands long lost in the search engines of google...
Seventeen would, it turns out, grow up to become a little more famous as The Alarm.
Jim also suggested two other 17 bands, the first being an actual boy band... who were "alright" as boy bands go... although they did wear some ridiculous outfits.
I don't know if I should say this in a public forum frequented occasionally by those of the muso persuasion, but while I always appreciated the Sex Pistols for their comedy value... less so for their musical contributions, I'm afraid.
The Swede's next suggestion will definitely throw you down a hole in google if you start trying to find out more about them as I just did...
Brian wins prizes for the video. They wouldn't allow that these days. Although, to be honest, the woman in the video looks (thankfully) much older than 17, as most "teen" movie stars of the 80s actually were. Michael J. Fox was 24 in Back To The Future.
C seconded a couple of earlier suggestions, then offered up two fine ones of her own...
Rigid Digit was next to arrive, complaining that "Most of mine have gone again (my first vote is for Sex Pistols - Seventeen. The Regents in second place.) So what have I got left on me list?"
Seventeen has a proper emotional heft, capable of giving you a bit of bump and stopping you in your tracks (you meaning me I guess), there's something about the rising chords and Sharon's voice that goes hits the bullseye. The 80s production is what must have sounded familiar to me. I never thought that a song that seems to reference mid- 80s Springsteen would appeal to me so much. In the song Sharon addresses her seventeen year old self and her freedom/ naivety, wanting to warn her about what lies ahead and the poor decisions she'll make but still knowing that she has to go through it all. She also gets pissed off with her younger self who she thinks wouldn't fully like her as she is now, would think she's lost it or sold out or something similar. One of the lines goes 'I used to be free/ I used to be seventeen' and judging by the comments on Youtube it seems that the line and the sentiment affects those much older than that and those around that age equally. I'm eleven years older than Sharon, turn fifty in a few months, and this song definitely nails a feeling, a sense of the loss of youth and the pain of looking back. That's the literal definition of nostalgia isn't it? Nostalgia usually evokes a sentimental looking back, feelings of wistfulness, the rosy glow of the past. But it's literal translation involves looking back with feelings of sadness, of something lost and gone. I don't want to be a person who's nostalgic for being seventeen- there are other 'better' ages to be nostalgic about, it's an age where you're still not fully sure of yourself in a lot of ways, I certainly wasn't, and an age where you know so little despite being so sure you know so much- but this song really does push all those buttons.
Brian suggested this one, and for a while now I thought it would be my front-runner... but only because my memory is shot and I'd neglected to consider this week's winner. That said, I do think this is Ms. Nicks' finest moment... and not just as a solo artist.
The song was a big hit for Janis in the US in 1975, and although it never appeared in the UK charts, it soon became a staple of the airwaves. The song is about a girl who is somewhat of a social outcast in high school, and so it became a kind of anthem. She was inspired to write the single after reading a newspaper article about a young woman who believed her life would improve after a debutante ball, and her subsequent disappointment when it did not. All these years later nothing has changed, and with social media to muddy the waters, if anything, things have got worse. I remember the year my daughter and her friends turned 17 and were experiencing the kind of anxieties as recounted in the song. I got them to listen to this song, as I think it summed up how they were feeling. Many nights were spent bemoaning the fact they were not one of The Populars, that group of girls with “clear skinned smiles” who always seem to get the boy.
Not much I can add to that, except... this is a heartbreaker.
Sweet little sixteen next week... I shudder at the prospect.
