We were lucky that Sam and I had misaligned holidays this Easter, so while he's back at school this week, I'm still off... allowing Louise and I the rare luxury of getting away to the Peak District for a couple of days peace and quiet. (Sam is being looked after by appropriate adults, in case you're on the phone to Child Services.)
So this is what passes for our Honeymoon. Appropriate (and inappropriate) tunes will follow...
King Cnut could not hold back the tide, and I cannot hold back society's full-throttle descent into dystopia. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines, and nod my head sagely when others hold a mirror up to the madness.
Thinkin' all about those censored sequences
Worryin' about the consequences
Waiting until I come to my senses
Better put it all in present tenses
Little triggers that you pull with your tongue
Little triggers, I don't want to be hung up, strung up
Louise was very excited to hear that they had remastered / re-issued the original Tomb Raider games and that she would be able to play them on Sam's Nintendo. But not before she first had to contend with the Trigger Warning...
You'll find various people online debating / objecting to / agreeing with / traumatised by the insertion of this trigger warning into Lara Croft's original adventures. As someone who's not part of any of the minorities besmirched by their representation in said game, it's probably not my place to comment... so let's look to English Literature instead for our trigger warnings...
This production includes depictions of self-harm, graphic violence and references to suicide.
That's from a theatre production of King Lear, in case you were wondering.
Meanwhile, The Globe Theatre recently warned its audiences about a new production of Romeo & Juliet...
This production contains depictions of suicide, moments of violence, and references to drug use. It contains gunshot sound effects and the use of stage blood.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this production of Romeo and Juliet please find details below of organisations offering advice and support.
A bunch of Tory politicians were soon up in arms about that, while world famous thespian Christopher Biggins chipped in, "It’s wokeness gone mad!"
Ralph Fiennes, Ian McKellen and Matt Smith have also taken umbrage at the trigger warnings many theatres have begun to inflict upon their audiences, though Ralph's response was a little more considered than Biggins...
"I think the impact of theatre should be that you’re shocked and you should be disturbed. I don’t think you should be prepared for these things and when I was young, (we) never had trigger warnings for shows.”
I find myself torn on this matter... and not just because if I do voice outrage at trigger warnings, I'll be joining the protest line alongside Tory MPs, Christopher Biggins and The Daily Mail. Just the very fact that those guys are in opposition makes me want to clutch trigger warnings to my bosom and welcome them with an open heart.
I teach English to young people who are suffering severe mental health problems... and yet they have to study the same texts as every other GCSE student in the country, including Macbeth (full of violence, murder, suicide and a gradual descent into madness for more than one character) and An Inspector Calls (a murder mystery which hinges around a character being driven to commit suicide by drinking bleach after she's been raped - arguably by more than one man - and castigated by society). Many of these issues are central to the experiences of some of the young people I teach... and yet, they do appear to be able to draw a line between the fiction they're studying and the reality they may have endured. Perhaps that's not always the case, and we treat every student on an individual basis depending on whether the medical professionals think they're ready to tackle such issues... but from everything I've been reading about mental health, hiding away from unpleasant issues only makes them worse. I'm not a psychiatrist and it's not my job to offer counselling... just to teach the texts. Still, it does make me wonder if trigger warnings might be doing more harm than good, shielding people from things they'd be better off confronting... if they ever want to come to terms with them.
Of course, there's a difference between trigger warnings for disturbing subject matter and trigger warnings for outdated attitudes. I don't have a problem reading Huckleberry Finn or To Kill A Mockingbird with a class, both of which contain frequent use of racial epithets that were common parlance at the time they were written. It's a good way of opening up a debate about language, racism and historic prejudice. It's even more important to teach these texts nowadays, and have those discussions, than ever before. If the publishers want to add a warning that the texts contain outdated attitudes "rooted in racial and ethnic prejudices", that's fine with me. Far better that than banning or editing said texts and pretending prejudice just didn't exist. Doesn't exist.
Having thought about it then, I completely agree with that trigger warning on Tomb Raider, as ridiculous and trivial as it might seem at first glance. Because when it comes to any kind of outdated attitude, I do believe it's important to "acknowledge its harmful impact and learn from it". And really, does that one screen affect your enjoyment of the game in any way? If it does, that probably says more about your own deep-rooted prejudices than it does about Tomb Raider.
To close on a lighter note, I did have to laugh when watching Die Hard again this Christmas past, noting that despite the gratuitous violence and liberal use of foul language (though interestingly, for an 80s film, no really outdated attitudes), the biggest warning to pop up on screen before hand was that by watching this film, we'd be subjected to the image of Bruce Willis smoking a cigarette! Different times indeed...
Warning: this blog contains many, many outdated attitudes. Usually involving popular music of the 80s that the cool kids have long since decided is rubbish... but I still love it anyway. That's my trigger warning, in case its needed.
History is made, not repeated And you hide behind words that make you feel needed And what you read in those books made you so conceited So in order for love to be true My dreams will have to Become my only rules
I want a warning I want a warning I want something more than a warning
Wake me up on into a world outdated And the older you get the more you seem jaded As you search for the quotes to make it seem complicated So in order for love to be true Even my nightmares Become my only rules
I want a warning I want a warning I want something more than a warning
He was in The Gun, and one man in the Three Man Army. But he'll most be remembered (in dodgy easy listening circles) for penning this badly-rhyming "classic"...
I've made no bones about the fact that I've been feeling pretty down this year. Pretty dark. I've tried to avoid writing too much about it here, but inevitably it's seeped in. A few things have happened over the past month or so that have made me realise I need to sort myself out, before I end up in a very bad place. And so I'm trying very hard to change my ways...
Back when I wrote radio adverts for a living, I had a client who described their business as "One of the pleasures of Batley". I kept trying to get them to change their strapline, but they were having none of it. I always wondered what the other pleasures of Batley might be. Presumably Robert Palmer would be near the top of the list.
Life would be so much more exciting If we could live it day to day We could at least adjust the lighting To illuminate the way
Wise words from Batley Bob there. (The song also includes one of my favourite Robert Palmer lines, "She had a dimple in her favour".) Words which lead us nicely into this new feature.
The problem with Self Help advice is that so much of it is tailored to hippies and Pollyannas, words that some might apply to Joni Mitchell... though I'd disagree. After all, she's looked at clouds from both sides now, and this was her conclusion...
Now they only block the sun They rain and they snow on everyone So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way
In this series then, I'm going to look at Self Help advice through jaded eyes, try to scrape away the rainbows and unicorns, and find the truths contained therein. Truths I hope can help me change my ways. I don't want to be the grumpy old man shouting at people in the supermarket anymore. I don't need a gun, I need a guru... and who better than the philosophers of modern song to guide me through my quest?
Roger Miller wrote a ton of songs, including King Of The Road and England Swings. This was apparently his favourite, and it contains a line that perfectly sums up where I'm going with this...
As Robert Palmer told me in a dream last night, Don’t Explain. That was a Billie Holliday song
originally, but for me it’ll always be by Batley Bob, because I heard him do it
first, at an impressionable age.
I stopped at Morrisons last week for a few bits. Went to the self-service checkout so I didn't have to make conversation. After I'd paid, the following message flashed up on the machine...
Lovely to see you. Bye for now.
This offends me in so many way, I can't even begin to count. If a cashier said this to me, I'd think it was weird... but a machine?
The chances of me getting around to featuring the stylistically extravagant action movie director John Woo on Celebrity Jukebox any time soon seem slim. Hopefully for him anyway, since the jukebox has become a hectic requiem in recent weeks. Anyway, here's a song with his name from new London band My Fat Pony.
Love the home-made video.
Louise bought me some socks for Father's Day. My initial reaction was, "I'm not sure I can wear these for work..."
"Oh," she said. "Sorry. I didn't know they said that on them."
I told Ben. He replied with two words.
She knew.
Speaking of Ben, he recommended I listen to Tim Heidecker, an artist he saw on tour earlier in the year. Heidecker's an American actor and comedian, so the first half of his set is a world weary stand-up routine. Then he comes back on and does a set of upbeat, nostalgia-focussed Americana Ben figured would be right up my street. He's not wrong.
Back when I taught in college at The Bad Place, I had a student who regularly called me Brendon. When I asked why, he said it was because I looked like Brendon Urie, lead singer of Panic! At The Disco. I don’t. Brendon’s much younger and prettier than me. The most I can say is that my hair goes back in a similar way.
Despite being named after Smiths lyrics, P!ATD are a band who have said little to me about my life since they emerged from the provincial town of Las Vegas in 2004… however, I’ve been strangely taken by their latest album, Viva Las Vengeance. It’s a tribute to the bands Urie loved when he was a kid, and on first listen the obvious influences (to me, anyway) were Queen, Costello, Thin Lizzy and Steinman. Reviewers have cited The Beatles and The Police, among others… but after repeated listens, the homages coalesce and it all starts to sound like a Panic! record. But a really good one, and a really catchy one. Shame it’s their last, as Urie has announced his retirement… at least until the inevitable comeback tour beckons.
Here's the title track, which immediately made me think of vintage Costello...
I find it hard to believe that hundreds of songs have not been written about Olivia Newton-John. Anyone who was a teenager in the late 70s and became a pop star in the 80s should have written a tribute. The boys because they were in love with her, the girls because she was such a powerful role model.
For example, Juliana Hatfield recorded an entire album of Olivia covers. And it was a truly great record...
Olivia was also occasionally saddled with the "hilarious" nickname Olivia Neutron-Bomb. A nickname that inspired both a professional pillow fighter (thanks, the internet), a musical artist who needs a better publicist as I can't find any information about them at all online, and the following tune from a defunct Glaswegian indie band...
OK, perhaps I found a few more than a handful. Apart from the Beautiful South and Helen Love tracks, they were all new to me... and with the exception of Busta Rhymes and Robbie Williams, they all bear further investigation. Particularly Avi Vinocur and Laurie Shaw.
However, the song I had in mind when I started this post is the one below. Batley Bob got out the steel drums for this tribute / critique of the 80s workout video craze led by Jane Fonda and soundtracked by Olivia's Physical.
Lynchie pointed us in the direction of the Frankie Miller version, which is damned fine... as is the original, by Moon Martin... but I have an undeniable soft spot for Batley Bob. Local lad and all that.
5. French sea gets gender switched around, ends up looking exhausted. Dad couldn't help, but...
La Mer is the French Sea. Change its gender and it becomes Le Mer. Switch that around and you get Merle... looking a bit haggard.
Here's one I originally ran on the old blog, ten years (or so) ago. As very few people remember the old blog, I don't mind re-using posts from it every now and then... although whenever I do, I inevitably end up wondering what I would add to the list if I were to compile it again today. Hence 'Volume 1' above, giving me the option of doing a Volume 2 soon.
From Sam Spade and Philip Marlowe to Morse, Addison & Hayes, Monk and Sherlock, I've always loved detective stories. Here are ten tributes in song...
Armchair detective, what you surmising? A fountain of knowledge in times of crisis Opinions like arseholes on days like today; everyone's got one You'd best say it quick while it's fresh in your mind, say it before it's forgotten Just 'cos you shout loudest don't mean that you're right
I'd been hired to track down a lead on why Robert Palmer was still considered uncool when he left us so many great songs like this one. File that one under 'Unsolved'.
Been a Private Detective for Seventeen Months Don't do it for money, just do it for love Like last night when my client got over excited When his wife had an orgy and he wasn't invited We sat in the car taking pictures and smoking My client just sat there eating mini cheddars and hoping His wife was thinking of him every time she kisses someone else's lips She's thinking of him, and in her mind's eye those groping eyes are his And in her mind's eye those peeping hands are his And in her mind's eye every ounce of flesh, that gets inside her dress, is his...
Superman Revenge Squad win points for writing the only song I can think of that namechecks Mini Cheddars.
And what have you got at the end of the day? What have you got to take away? A bottle of whiskey and a new set of lies Blinds on the window and a pain behind the eyes
Only one band could illustrate the moment that Life Begins in our Hot 100 Countdown (even though, like Benjamin Button and the hero of Martin Amis's Time's Arrow, we're aging backwards). I was never s huge UB40 fan, and I prefer the Neil Diamond original of the above song to their hit version, but I always quite liked their famous "I'm a prima donna" mondegreen. (Apparently they sing "Ivory Madonna"... but I don't believe it for a second.)
...which is always welcome here because it features Leonard Nimoy in the video. And if you're wondering how The Bangles know what a UB40 is/was, they probably didn't. The original was by Katrina & The Waves.)
Anyway, as you can imagine, there were a hell of a lot of songs with the number 40 in the title. I'm not even getting onto lyrical nods this week, unless you guys specifically brought them up. Let's see how quickly we can rattle through the list...
Starting, as if often the case, with The Swede, who kicked us off with a serious contender...
Longtime readers will know that I've always got time for Jimmy B - I may even be a parrothead. As with many of Jimmy's songs, this one has a nautical theme... yet it also tackles the mid-life crisis in a beautiful way.
Yes I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothing to plunder
I'm an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late
Ian McNabb does a pretty cool version of that too, but sadly I can't find it on the interweb and don't have time to upload it right now.
Onto The Swede's other fine suggestions, the last of which opens up a whole avenue of possibilities...
And now I shall hand you over to our Canadian correspondent, Douglas McLaren, making a welcome return this week with a whole bunch of fine suggestions...
I felt like I had to keep up the Canadian side once again when we hit 40. A fun one, for starters, is by Canada's (former) house band...
Then there is, of course, the granddaddy of Canadian folk rock, Gordon Lightfoot, who can teach you how to be an Auctioneer. And no, we don't actually have a forty-five dollar bill here in Canada.
Perhaps that's because the original came from the USA, Douglas (it's featured here before as my dad used to be an auctioneer when I was a boy).
From Canada we then journeyed halfway round the world to Australia, with another welcome
return from my old pal Deano who's just about to celebrate a rather relevant birthday. Remember, Deano - "life begins!" Cough cough.
He describes his first offering as "a silly, but oh so much fun, one hit wonder from New Zealand." Sounds perfect!
Next, "a Tasmanian-via California-via Nashville country singer
that I have really started to enjoy recently. She’s lived those forty
years (“I got battle scars around my eyes. I got old boyfriends with
bitchy wives. I look back and I wonder why.I’m forty.”) Sadly, she died
young after a cancer
Deano's final offering comes from a classic country songwriter: "In the process of discovering Tom
T Hall at the moment, and enjoying every moment of it. What a
songwriter. In this one, he talks about a funeral, and reflects on the
fact that the dead guy owed him $40."
All of which leaves me with just a handful of my own selections that nobody else mentioned, so I thought I'd make this post even longer by counting down my Top Five 40 Songs. I actually did a Top Ten 40 Songs seven years ago when I did turn 40 and three of these (as well as a bunch of your suggestions) featured there. That was on the old blog though which exists now only in my archives, so no link, I'm afraid.
Ground control to Major Tom - check your Saturday Snapshots answers and put your helmet on...
Let's hope Brexit (if it happems) doesn't put an end to our European friends from taking part in Saturday Snapshots... because this week saw our Danish and German blog-friends take a clear victory. Well done to Chris and Walter, who got seven of the answers before any of our U.K. contenders even got out of bed. Charity Chic, Rigid Digit and Mr. C solved the rest, but the hard work had been done by the time they (and Alyson) arrived.
Doctor, doctor, please Oh, the mess I'm in Doctor doctor, please oh, the mess I'm in She walked up to me and really stole my heart And then she started to take my body apart
Skeeter is looking for a doctor who'll help put her out of her misery...
Just like a little baby all night night I cry Now doctor if you can't cure me why I just as soon to die So give me something poison, doctor won't you please And then I'll sign a paper sayin' I died with heart disease Oh doctor, doctor, write me a prescription for the blues
Oh, Doctor, Doctor, soothe my aching knee. Higher, higher if you please I'm sure my temperature's running so low I could freeze. Have you got something to warm me?
It gets worse. (In a good way.)
And what was their doctor's phone number? 5705, obviously.
David Byrne: definitely someone in need of a check-up... from the neck up.
Doctor, doctor, tell me what I am Am I one of those human beings Well I can laugh or I can learn to think So help me now to find out what I feel...
You need a doctor of philosophy mate. Let's not even talk about the time you went to the docs because you were Making Flippy Floppy...
Doctor, Doctor We have nothing in our pockets We continue But we have nothing left to offer Faces pressed against the window Hey! they are just my friends Check this out don't be slick Break our backs it goes like this . . .
Today's life lesson from Harry... don't drink lime and coconut together.
"Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?" I said "doctor, to relieve this belly ache" I said "doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?" I said "doctor, to relieve this belly ache"
Then there's the tragic case of Rick... so much in Bruce's shadow, he has to go to his doctor about it.
Doctor, doctor you gotta help me yeah You gotta make it right for me It seems this other man's name has been following me around And it just won't let me be You see I got this name and he's got this name too And you know they're kinda close only a blind crazy fool Would think I was him it's like saying green is blue But let me tell you brother it started being a bother When he made the cover of Time magazine
Never mind, Rick, you made a top tune out of your troubles! I'll always remember you for that.
In which Batley Bob falls badly for his beautiful (saw)bones.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you No pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a bad case of lovin' you...
Restraining order.
1. The Young Rascals - Good Lovin'
Another one I owe to Bruce Willis, I'm afraid, who did a memorable performance of this track in one of my favourite episodes of Moonlighting. Another Bruce also had a crack at it. The original was never a hit in the UK, but it was a Number One on the other side of the Atlantic. Always loved it...
I was feelin' so bad, I asked my family doctor just what I had, I said, "Doctor, (Doctor ) Mr. M.D., (Doctor ) Now can you tell me, tell me, tell me, What's ailin' me?" (Doctor )
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) Yes, indeed, all you really need (Is good lovin')
Not sure you can get that on prescription though. Believe me, I've tried.
This was Volume 1 because I could easily go another ten. Bunch of hypochondriacs, these pop stars. Any ideas for what might be in Volume 2...? (Other than The Thompson Twins, who were just too obvious, even for me.)
