TV On The Radio #21: Doctor Who

It can't have escaped your notice that Doctor Who celebrated its 60th anniversary last week, blasting its way back onto screen with an old face and a Disney+ budget. Like most British kids, I grew up with The Doctor, and your first Doctor will always be your favourite. Which means you can't beat Tom Baker in my eyes. 

The Human League - Tom Baker

Number twelve, there's Amy Chan
Writing down a line for the candy man
About the time she saw Tom Baker
Drinking down the Hat and Fan

Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Still, I have a great fondness for most of the other Doctors, including the modern incarnations (although Huddersfield lass Jodie Whittaker was let down during her tenure by terrible scripts). They say we spent large parts of our youth hiding behind the sofa to avoid the show's scarier bits... and I do have vivid memories of being behind that old red leather sofa in our living room on a Saturday night... but I'm pretty sure I was acting out the adventures I'd just seen on screen rather than escaping in terror.  

Here then is a special edition of TV On The Radio dedicated to all the Doctors. 

Search for songs that include the words "Doctor Who" in that order and you're on a hiding to nothing. Unless you want to hear a load of tunes that have nothing to do with Timelords such as this...  

She sent me to the doctor who sent me straight to bed

Elvis Presley - I Gotta Know

Or this...

Well, Janey's got a doctor who tears apart her insides

Bruce Springsteen - Janey Needs A Shooter

I had far more luck searching for words that were unique to the Whoniverse. Such as TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space, as I'm sure you will recall).

Here's someone who would look right at home in an episode of Doctor Who... Thom Yorke.

I'm stuck in the TARDIS
Trapped in hyperspace
One minute, snake charming
The next in a motorcade

Radiohead - Up On The Ladder

Meanwhile, Alison Goldfrapp is having a dreary evening...

I search alone on empty glasses
The lights come on illuminating
A nowhere bar that's like a TARDIS
It's the longest night I've ever known

Goldfrapp - I Wanna Life

And Paul Heaton has managed to incorporate a TARDIS into his chat-up lines...

This heart was like a TARDIS
I went and lost the key in a fight
I've never found a locksmith
Will you be my locksmith tonight?

The Beautiful South - How Long's A Tear Take To Dry?

As Doctor Who's budget has grown, the amount of baddies he has to defeat has multiplied. Yes, there are times when he does face a Massive Attack...

The blues get big, Massive are even larger
Save 'nuff space into the Tricky TARDIS

Massive Attack - Blue Lines

Step outside the TARDIS and you may encounter some of The Doctor's greatest enemies. For reasons explained above, I didn't bother looking for The Master, and only found the odd song that mentioned Cybermen... but the Daleks were all over the place. 

The Art Attacks - I Am A Dalek

You must remember that time The Clash turned into Daleks?

Repression, gonna start on Tuesday
Repression, gonna be a Dalek
Repression, I am a robot
Repression, I obey

The Clash - Remote Control

Kirsty, meanwhile, is trying her hand at online dating... with less than desirable results...

He says the camera is on and

Can I see him yet?

I say "Babe you look like a ghost

And sound like a Dalek to me"

So let's go back to the written word

Even though we both know it's absurd

Kirsty Maccoll - Here Comes That Man Again

And Scots favourites The Supernaturals are having a bad day... cheer up, lads!

I feel like a Dalek inside,

Everything's gone grey but used to be so black and white

The Supernaturals - Smile

Then there's this... which I suppose I'll allow as it's just turned December (still a little early for me).

The Go Gos - I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek

As previously established, that isn't the Go Gos we all know know.

Even Siouxsie was a fan...

The Dalek drones are drowning

We're flying, we're climbing

Cars sit corroding

As we soar away

The Creatures - Weathercade

A few more, because Daleks usually travel in troops...

Martin Gordon - Her Daddy Was a Dalek, Her Mummy Was a Non-Stick Frying Pan

Bent - Dalek Party

Rotersand - Exterminate Annihilate Destroy

Spiderbait - Shakespeare’s Tacklebox

Golem Dance Cult - Dalek Rhetoric

Daleks in high collars 
Monologue and I outsmart them 
With a ray-gun and a tweet

Will Wood - The Main Character

Dave Balfe and Alan Gill from The Teardrop Explodes formed the most famous band to be named after the psychotic pepper pots, possibly my favourite science fiction bad guys (the Daleks, not Balfe and Gill).   

Dalek I Love You - Horroscope

Despite my difficulties in searching for "Doctor Who" songs, I still found quite a few that mentioned the Timelord by name (or, not actually by name, since Doctor Who isn't actually his name, is it?). Although many of them fall into the category that causes serious musos to gnash their teeth to the gums... comedy or novelty records.

Mitch Benn - Call Me During Doctor Who And I'll Kill You

Frazer Hines was a minor Yorkshire celebrity due to his role on Emmerdale Farm in the 70s and 80s (back when my dad used to watch it because they had actual farmyard scenes). Prior to that, Frazer was an early Doctor Who assistant when he recorded this...

Frazer Hines - Who's Doctor Who?

Far more impressive is this offering from the Third Doctor, old Wurzel Gummidge himself...

The closest we've come to that in the modern era is this comic ode to the showrunners who resurrected The Doctor in 2005...

David Tennant, John Barrowman & Catherine Tate - The Ballad of Russell and Julie 

Meanwhile, Dean Gray is keen to note the similarity between the Doctor Who theme tune and Green Day's Holiday...

Dean Gray - Dr Who on Holiday

Next up, Space... well, The Doctor does spend a lot of time there, doesn't he?

Your bank balance took a dint
And now you're Rupert Grint
Nappies cost a bob or two
You wish you were Doctor Who

Space - Fortune Teller

And here's a brand new tune from the band with the best name going. (Not that I'm biased.)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't
Doctor Who and doublethink
The path not took, fork in the road

English Teacher - Mastermind Specialism

And of course, the great Nigel Blackwell has an opinion on Doctor Who fans...

Weekends, vintage car show, Doctor Who aficionado
No wife, no kids, no way juke box
I get sent the Belstaff catalogues

Half Man Half Biscuit - CAMRA Man

Once All About Eve were done, lead singer Julianne Regan formed Mice. Here's a little timely advice for any of you who might be considering running off with a stranger in a blue police box...

He's my blue sonic boy
I believed in his watery lies
And his half-arsed scheme to rule the world
But you know it isn't easy hanging out with the timelords
When you're a Dalek and can't even climb up the stairs
So when you wake tomorrow, stick a bell in your van

Mice - Blue Sonic Boy

There were lots of artists I discovered during this search who looked like they'd only ever get a gig at Comicon, but these guys deserved a special mention, for enthusiasm, if nothing else...

Graham Bodenham & Leonora Winstanley - Call The Doctor

Nipping on the heels of today's obvious winner, here's a band named after an insult from Star Wars. Wrong galaxy, right tune.

Nerf Herder - Doctor Who

But there was only one song I could choose to close this post, from the insane genius of Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, The KLF, The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu and The Timelords... with a little help from The Sweet and (whisper it now) Gary Glitter. A Number One smash that Melody Maker described as "pure, unadulterated agony" and "excruciating", while Sounds called it "rancid" and "a record so noxious that a top ten place can be its only destiny". What's not to love?

TV On The Radio #20: The Generation Game

Two Door Cinema Club - Nice To See You

...to see you, nice.

Saturday nights in the 70s, we'd all gather round the TV to watch inept relatives try their hands at icing a cake, working a potter's wheel or trying to master nuclear fusion, with varying degrees of success. The winners would go on to watch assorted jumble sale prizes roll past them on a wonky conveyor belt - "Cuddly toy! Cuddly toy!" - taking home all the ones they could remember. All under the rather snooty auspices of the "King of Saturday Night TV" himself, Bruce Forsythe. Until he moved over to the other side for a bigger paycheck to be replaced by camp cliché captain Larry "Shut That Door!" Grayson... and then, a bunch of other less memorable hosts (Jim Davidson!!!). Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? this was not. And yet... simpler times, we were easier to please back then.   

Here's the great Laurie Shaw, with a little bit of Brucie...

And I'm so sorry, honey
But I didn't have the foresight
And yeah, I said foresight and not Bruce Forsyth
But they're easily mixed up

Laurie Shaw - Flashback Friday

Yesterday, Charity Chic felt the need to apologise on behalf of the entire Scottish nation for The Tartan Army. I replied that the English had done much worse. And here's Fat Les to prove it...

Trains, Boats, Planes, Computers, 
Penicillin, Connect Four, 
Countdown, Generation Game, Telephones

Fat Les - Who Invented Fish & Chips?

In case you've blanked them from your memory, I ought to remind you that Fat Les was a short-lived 90s band made up of Blur bassist Alex James, actor Keith Allen, and artist Damien Hirst. They all should have known better.

Here's Squeeze to take that nasty taste out of your mouth...

I got a job down at the warehouse
I worked hard to pay the rent
Rehearsing almost every evening
Trying to make another dent
Along the road that I had chosen
The Generation Game of life
Today I'm walking by the river
Watching my children cycle by

Squeeze - Sunny

Today's post belongs to the obvious winner below. I'm sure many of you guessed it as soon as you saw the title of the post...

Home from work
Put the TV on
Get your kicks watching
Bruce on the old Generation Game

TV On The Radio #19: Jim'll Fix It

Back when I worked in radio, and before the death and subsequent revelations about Sir James Wilson Vincent Savile OBE KCSG, a colleague of mine who'd worked alongside him told us a number of disturbing stories about the famous TV and radio presenter. The one that sticks in my head was that if you did anything to upset Jimmy, you'd come in to work the following day to discover that someone had defecated in your desk drawer. There were all the other, even more disturbing, rumours too... but at the time, I took them with a grain of salt. Because how could someone in such a public role get away with that stuff without being exposed? That's the question we're still asking today, and though documentaries like A British Horror Story and the new Steve Coogan dramatisation, The Reckoning, attempt to answer that question... I'm not sure it'll ever be answered to our satisfaction. 

I wondered how Jimmy had been represented in popular song prior to the scandal? Did anyone suspect? Well, these comedians had clearly heard the rumours. You might say it's no joking matter, but I'm betting each of them actually wanted his crimes to be exposed and were pushing it as far as they dared on television at the time. And of course, John Lydon was banned from speaking out...

Songwriters probably had to be more careful. Though you can read between the lines on this song by The Toy Dolls...

Jimmy lives his life for charity

Jimmy's got no wife just an O.B.E

Everybody depends on Jimmy

Jimmy's getting a little cheesed off

Jimmy says that they've all enough

If they want Jim - it's tough!

The Toy Dolls - When You're Jimmy Savile

It's clear Mark E. Smith didn't have much time for the man either... but then again, did Mark E. like anyone?

Two hours!

With four left wing kids

I spent time in Nazi Fortress

Much discussion in room C-H-1-O-C-H-11

And Good King Harry was there

Fucking Jimmy Savile

The Fall - Fortress

Meanwhile, were Bentley Rhythm Ace dropping a hint in 2000?

Bentley Rhythm Ace - Jim'll Twist It

Irish band Bell X1 released the following track in 2011, shortly before Jimmy's death and state funeral. I wonder if they still sing it as written?

I'll never have a salad at McDonald's

Or heed the call to monetise the arts

All those letters to Jim'll Fix It lay somewhere in a basket

And the other guy got to play with Adam And The Ants

Bell X1 - 4 Minute Mile

There's not much evidence in the songs recorded before his death, to be honest. Afterwards though, the floodgates were opened... 

Avalanche Party create "feral garage-punk from the wild North Yorkshire Moors, hopped up on adrenalin and amphetamines". And I'm pretty sure the song below is about Jimmy, not just because it mentions his old TV show...

A cool morning

Day breaking

Put a shirt on

This machine

He is fit

He is lithe

He’s the driver

Of your dreams

He’s a man

A man of means

He’s won trophies

He’s won teams

He’s a cancer

You’re just a pill

Completely powerless

Against his will

It used to happen all the time

All the time it used to happen

Only 16

Only 15

Only 14

Only 13

Avalanche Party - Playing Field Blues

Another interesting discovery today: The Cool Greenhouse. who describe themselves as "music to lose scratch-cards to". Clearly Sir Jim haunts their dreams...

And sometimes when you close your eyes

There’s grinning Jimmy Saviles painted on your inner eyelids

Other times it’s Yoko Onos on treadmills

Stretching out into infinity

The Cool Greenhouse - The Sticks

Both of the above acts channel the ghost of Jimmy into dark musical nightmares. The same can't be said for Mick Trouble, who crafts a lovely jangly pop song named after Jimmy's old TV show. Not quite sure why, this only came out last year, so surely he's heard?

Mick Trouble - Jim'll Fix It

And then we get to the Reid brothers, speaking for all of us...

I can't believe that I couldn't see

How  many dodgy men were on the TV

While  I was growing to a man

They took advantage of the fans

Now,  when they re-run Top Of The Pops

Some of the hosts have got the chop

I'm sleeping soundly in my bed

'Cos Jimmy Savile's still dead

The Proclaimers - Then Again

The most damning reaction to the whole Savilegate affair came from The Indelicates though, in my album of the year from 2017, Juniverbrecher. I reviewed it as the time thus: 

The death of Little England through Brexit, parochialism and Saville. This staggering musical banishing spell urges hope.

It all begins in The Plaza Ballroom, Manchester, Christmas Eve, 1956...

These

These are the hours

They're the hours we'll remember

And so we will lie

When they ask what we knew

Of the crimes committed

While we were dancing

And then it erupts and corrupts Top of the Pops...

The full album is available here, and highly recommended. At least one good thing came out of this whole sorry business.

TV On The Radio #18: The Hitman & Her

Remember when there were only four TV channels to choose from and you had to watch whatever was on at the time (unless you had a video recorder in your bedroom, and really, who lived in a house with more than one video recorder?). 

I was a teenager in the late 80s, and a bit of a night owl. I would often stay up late on a Saturday, watching old Universal horror movies or whichever Psycho sequel ITV were showing that week, but there came a point when most of the other channels closed down for the night and I was still awake... so the only option left was The Hitman & Her.

I know a lot of my contemporaries would watch this show after returning home from a night clubbing, and in that regard it was the perfect thing to broadcast at 2 o'clock in the morning. But for anyone who hated clubbing, despised Pete Waterman (in my head, he belongs in the same category as Peter Stringfellow and half the Radio One DJs who were investigated by Yewtree) and found dance music said nothing to them about their lives... well, it really was time to go to bed. In fact, the only redeeming factor to the show was Michaela Strachan... although every week, I did find myself asking what the hell she was doing there? I hope she was well paid.

Scouting For Girls - Michaela Strachan

Here's some Laurie Shaw, who has featured here before. Always worth a listen...

And then you wanted to get wild
Michaela Strachan style
But I think your dad gets his ideas
From “Plain Facts For Old and Young” 

Laurie Shaw - Rollover

(You'll be glad to know - well, I was, anyway - that I couldn't find any songs that mentioned Pete Waterman by name.)

"Why the hell are you writing about a TV show you despised?", you may well ask. Blame my good blogging friend SWC / Barry Stubbs (other pseudonyms have probably been used) over at No Badger Required, who reminded me back in June that the track at the end of this post features, "possibly the best song to ever mention naff 90s late night telly series ‘The Hitman and Her’." (You've no idea how glad I was that he considered it naff too.)

To be honest, I thought / hoped that the track in question would surely be the only one to mention this dreadful two hours of TV (which ran for a mind-flaying 4 and a bit years). Then I discovered this song about coming home late from the pub and still thinking you need more alcohol...

My fridge is full, it's tinnies heaven
Grab a four pack and a few tins more
On with the telly, slump on the floor
The Hitman & Her, I thankfully missed
Who gives a sod? I'm totally pissed

Lawnmower Deth - Tinnies Heaven

Overall, it seems no one has a good word to say for The Hitman & Her. (Unless you know different...)

I don't know what you think of this country
But I think that it's going to be bad
Happy shopper ecstasy, Bingo with Jesus
The Hitman & Her - Christ! I feel as though I'm going mad!

I should point out that there are 78 complete episodes of The Hitman & Her available to watch on youtube. Your. Life. Is. Too. Short.

TV On The Radio #17: Homes Under The Hammer

Homes Under The Hammer is one of many daytime TV shows (like Cash In The Attic, A Place In The Sun and The Antiques Road Trip) that I've never watched an episode of because I have a job. I think it's about auctioning houses. I'm not sure who the target audience is - my dad was a former auctioneer, and he never showed the slightest interest in it. Still, it's been going for 20 years, so someone must be watching it. And as a number of people who read this blog are now reaching retirement age, I imagine you rarely miss an episode. (I wonder if they show it in Portugal?)

You wouldn't imagine there would be many pop stars who spent their time watching Homes Under The Hammer either... except, it's well known that musicians are generally a bunch of work-shy bastards who will do anything to avoid the arduous manual labour of writing a new song. I bet most of them have never missed an episode of Countdown and are over the moon that Neighbours is coming back. Take this guy for example...

Homes Under The Hammer on TV

Midday and I have not done anything

Come first place and didn't try

Someone's saving seven lives

I can barely save Izzy's ice cream

Blackaby - Warm And Sweet

Here's a band with the wonderfully old-fashioned name of Courting, and a song I initially thought was about the Talking Heads man's arse, until I put my glasses on...

Homes Under the Hammer, well, it blares from the bar

Until Daddy picks him up in his European sports car

"A '19 plate?" Well, he muses who made it

"Built in England," he wonders, "a Britishman's labour"

Courting - David Byrne's Bad Side

And here's Bob Mortimer, the half of Vic n Bob that I actually find funny...

Sly Stallone

Is all alone

Sly Stallone

Is in his home

He's all alone

Sly Stallone

He’s been eating

A potato

Suddenly he wakes up

And stares at the potato

Then turns on the TV

Then looks at the potato

He changes the channel

To Homes Under the Hammer

Then looks at his potato

And touches the potato

Bob Mortimer - Sly Stallone

Next up, another lovely little discovery: Colonel Dax. No, not the Kirk Douglas character from Paths Of Glory, but a guy called Tom Hughes from North Wales who likes listening to The Cure.

I'm walking on the pavement across from her old house.

Whoever lives there now is watching Homes Under the Hammer on the couch.

They look like they're a pair who've found what I could never find,

But maybe that's 'cos I'm the type to peek through people's blinds.

It's funny, they're sat in the exact spot I was sitting when she kicked me out.

Colonel Dax - Listening To The Cure

I had a quick look at who the presenters were on Homes Under The Hammer, and I didn't recognise any of them... except for Tommy Walsh. And the only reason I knew his name was because of Nigel Blackwell...

Half Man Half Biscuit - Tommy Walsh's Eco House 

Finally, here's the song that inspired this post, from one of my albums of the year, The Last Rotation of Earth. From listening to this record, it's clear that Brian Camplight rarely leaves his Manchester home, and the most excitement he has in his day is chatting with the Tesco delivery driver. But he's still managed to produce a cracking record. He claims it will be his last, which would be a crying shame, but I guess those daytime TV shows won't watch themselves...

I think I figured it out, it's right in front of me

Inflation or something to do with the Tories

She asks what we're building, I said, "What do you think this is -

Homes Under The Hammer?

I'm the perfect man"

TV On The Radio #16: Deputy Dog

As soon as I heard today's closing tune on an old car compilation, I knew I had to feature Deputy Dawg. However, the character I pictured in my head was not the one I discovered when I put his name into google. Turns out, I was confusing D-Dawg with Huckleberry Hound... making me wonder if I've ever even seen a Deputy Dawg cartoon. Having watched a couple on the tube of you, I'm not sure I've missed anything. Feel free to tell me otherwise if you've got the DVD box set at home and posters on your bedroom wall.

Still, it's the music that matters, and DD's name crops up in a surprising amount of pop songs, besides the one I knew. Let's kick off with the Woolly Bully people...

Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs - Deputy Dog

Or you may prefer a more soulful take...

Roosevelt Grier - Deputy Dog

When I saw the band name below and the album title "Kill Us All", I imagined a very different sound to the one I actually heard. Give it a try, you might be pleasantly surprised...

Dead Marines - Deputy Dawg

Robi Mitch is from Bristol and now lives in Cornwall. I shoehorned him in because I liked his tune...

Guess that I'll live longer than some good ones

Guess that I'll go sooner than some bad ones

Cos the good lord gives and he takes away

In a way that doesn't make sense to me

Guess that it's a good job that he's the top dog

And I am just a deputy

Robi Mitch - Deputy

And now here's The Cult...

Jimi was a boogie man

Took a shotgun in his hand

Turned on dude candy-man

He walked into the wrong town

Deputy Dog man wait inside

Jimi thought he'd better hide

Suddenly changed his mind

Shot 'em all on sight, yeah

The Cult - Outlaw

I'm not sure if anyone will have guessed today's winner, but it was obvious to me. How could I not love a song that goes thus...?

No one in the world ever gets what they want

And that is beautiful

Everybody dies frustrated and sad

And that is beautiful

TMBG songwriter John Linnell insists this isn't a depressing song, saying he made the words up just to fit the tune. Which probably explains this...

When you are alone

You are the cat, you are the phone

You are an animal

The words I'm singing now

Mean nothing more than "meow" to an animal

Wake up and smell the cat food

In your bank account

But don't try to stop the tail

That wags the hound

Meanwhile, the video is anything but depressing, as the band run around with rolls of carpet sticking out the tops of their heads... you won't see Ed Sheeran doing that, will you? Oh, and Deputy Dawg is in there too. Just stick with it...

Product Placement #20: HP Sauce

I was in the local shop the other day, and the proprietor was bemoaning the state of the economy. A tin of beans which cost 29p when he first opened now costs £1.55. And he ordered a new crate of HP Sauce yesterday and the price had gone up by £12!

What can we do?

Well, all I can do is look for songs that mention "the original brown sauce", which is ironically named after the House of Parliament, those same bastards who got us into this mess. 

HP Sauce is sold throughout Europe... which makes me wonder if sales suffered after we deserted the EU. Here's the late Arno Hintjens, lead singer of Belgian rock band TC Matic...

I'm like meat and potatoes
Eggs and bacon, fish and chips
Rock'n'roll, H.P. Sauce
I feel like Pinocchio with broken strings
Heaven is higher than the tree
I saw myself on MTV

Arno - I Sold My Soul On MTV

Somewhat further into Europe, we find Austrian punk Hans Platzgumer, who shares his initials with the famous brown sauce, and so named his 1989 EP A Portion Of Geniune HP Sauce...

Hans Platzgumer - HP

Back in Blighty, The Ravengers were a 90s punk band that released a couple of records on West Sussex-based Detour Records. That's as much as I could find out about them, but their solo album did contain a self-composed jingle promoting HP sauce with the line "He likes a bit on the side..."

The Ravengers - HP Fruity Sauce (Jingle)

Finally, here's Gilbert O'Sullivan, with a b-side that displays some rather old-fashioned notions (Gilbert's quite shocked by the idea of two men getting married), but then... it was 1977.

And I've seen some how can I put this
Funny things in my life
Like the time a woman said sorry to a man
She stabbed with a knife
And in view of all of this nonsense
I think it's only fair
To point out that despite its faults
England still has HP sauce

I don't want to live forever
I just want to live as long as I can

Gilbert O'Sullivan - As Long As I Can

Not the best crop today, I'll admit. I'd almost given up on finding a worthy final tune. And then I heard this...

...which leads us neatly to a 70's classic, albeit another one that hasn't stood the test of time lyrically. Remember, kids, drinking and driving is wrong.

TV On The Radio #15: It's A Knockout

Even as a six year old, I found little point to It's A Knockout. Surely I was the ideal target audience for a ridiculous game show about people dressed in ridiculously over-sized costumes trying to race and falling in water? But no, even at that age, I found myself thinking, "This is stupid". I'm convinced that the only person who really enjoyed It's A Knockout was Stuart Hall, and the less said about him, the better.

Back in 1996 though, it was still OK to name-drop him in a tune...

Brotherhood is back from their sabbatical

Dramatical and hit, we're here to take it all

Three rounds of verse, it's a knockout, Stuart Hall

The Brotherhood - Mad Headz

The North Sea Scrolls was a 2011 collaboration between Luke Haines, Cathal Coughlan and Andrew Mueller. They only did one album, but if you like twisted 70s nostalgia or things that are mad as a fish driving a lorry, then it's a wonderful, wonderful record.

Blakey and Olive

Freaks and fascists

It's A Knockout

With tiny moustaches

The Mosley frontbench

Cheered on by the masses

Take on the cast of

'On the Buses'

A cry goes up

"I'll get you, Butler"

Mosley leers:

He's played his joker

The North Sea Scrolls - Enoch Powell Space Poet

It's A Knockout was, as I'm sure you all know, based on the French game-show Jeux Sans Frontières. I'd argue that the only decent thing to come out of the whole sorry affair was the tune below, in which Peter Gabriel uses the show's puerile farce as a metaphor for world politics. Games Without Frontiers, with Kate Bush on backing vocals (she's the one who sings 'Jeux sans frontières'), is another classic from Gabriel... from an era when his albums took a bit of work. You come to those albums wanting every track to sound like Solsbury Hill, and when they don't it can be a little disappointing. Persevere though, and after a while a world of riches opens up.

Games Without Frontiers comes from his third eponymous album, one the record company knocked back as "commercial suicide"... until today's song started picking up airplay, when suddenly they became interested. That's when Gabriel told them to bog off and took his master tapes elsewhere. Games Without Frontiers went on to become his highest charting single in the UK (tying with Sledgehammer), so nyah nyah nyah to you ignorant record company bigwigs.

If looks could kill, they probably will

In games without frontiers

War without tears

TV On The Radio #14: Dynasty

We watched Dynasty back in the 80s, but nobody in the family really enjoyed it that much. It was always a poor man's Dallas, without a JR or a Bobby or even a Cliff Barnes to engage your empathy. Joan Collins was Joan Collins and the rest of them kind of faded into the wallpaper. Apart from Heather Locklear, but she was much sweeter in The Fall Guy.

The word "Dynasty" gets mentioned in thousands of songs, so I limited myself to references that were definitely about the show. Most of them pronounce it "die-nasty", as the Americans do, rather than our softer British "din-asty".

As a starter, I offer you Estelle...

I grew up in the 1980s

In a four bedroom house

My family, my grandma, three or four aunties

Uncles and brothers in and out of prison daily

Certain times when there was no heat you stay under covers

So then we moved up

Thought I was the Fresh Prince

Dynasty was re-runs and Dallas was faded

With three beds this time and six kids still

We got a dog and yes that dog loved to shit

Estelle - 1980

I think they edited the version on youtube to make that last line more radio friendly.

Next, here's Weird Al, with a parody of a Soul Asylum song (not the one you know)...

Think I'm losin' my sanity

I'm addicted to Regis and Kathie Lee

Forever I will always be

Glued to my TV

Love "The Partridge Family"

And "Dynasty"

And "Laverne and Shirley"

And "Hard Copy"

Weird Al Yankovic - Syndicated Inc.

John Kay was the lead singer of Steppenwolf, a band you probably didn't know were still going in the 90s... by which time, John had got his name on the posters.

I want the high life on TV

Just like they do on Dynasty

To live a life fit for a king

And have the best of everything

John Kay & Steppenwolf - Sign On The Line

Here's a song I really didn't like in the 80s, mainly because Karel Fialka got his young step-son in to do some of the vocals, and as a teenager, "I hated little kids".

I see Dallas, Dynasty, Terrahawks,

He-Man, Tom and Jerry, Dukes of Hazzard,

Airwolf, Blue Thunder, Rambo, Road Runner,

Daffy Duck, The A-Team, The A-Team, I see the A-Team.

(That's the next 12 weeks sorted.)

Karel Fialka - Hey Matthew

More 80's PTSD flashbacks right here...

Dallas dollars limousines

Debutantes and Dynasty

Here's a dream that money buys

Late to bed and late to rise

Sigue Sigue Sputnik - Success 

Shout out to Linda Evans, Joan Collins' arch nemesis on the show...

She told her friends that one day she would be the movie queen

Like Krystle Carrington

And pay her weekly visit to the top beautician

Erasure - Like Zsa Zsa Zsa Gabor

And to Joan herself, of course...

Alexis Carrington wouldn't give her love to Blake

Without a warning sign, no

So what makes you think that I

Would give my love to you one more time

Klymaxx - Divas Need Love Too

And here's one for old John Forsythe...

Girls on the block call me a black Blake Carrington

Handsome as hell, I dress real swell

By the tone of my voice maybe you can tell that I

Shampoo with Prell and live life well

Nice & Smooth - Early To Rise

Once again, there was an obvious winner today...

You don't have to watch Dynasty

To have an attitude...

Looking for a perfect 80's pop song? I'm sure you'll agree this is hard to beat. Prince's record company didn't quite agree though. They didn't want to release it as a single. Which makes me want to start a new feature called, "Record Companies Are Idiots". That one could run and run.

    

TV On The Radio #13: Sale Of The Century

And now... from Norwich... it's the quiz of the week!

Where do I begin?

For a start, the theme tune is instantly recognisable, so clearly I watched this quiz show every week when I was too young to know better. I didn't remember the rules, so I looked them up. Contestants started with £10 and answered questions to boost their kitty - though they lost money for wrong answers. At various points in the show they were allowed to use their winnings to purchase the mediocre prizes that were on sale... so a brand new Mini Metro wouldn't really have cost you £140 back then.... would it?

The most memorable part of Sale of the Century (far more memorable than Nicholas Parsons and his "dolly birds") was that opening announcement... "Live from Norwich...!" I don't want to be mean to the people of Norwich (Alan Partridge does a good enough job of that), but it's hardly Las Vegas, is it? Nevertheless, the original UK version of SOTC (based on a US game show) ran from 1971 - 1983, so I guess it was a ratings winner. 

Pointless trivia time - the show was revived by Sky in the late 80s, featuring the TV debut of one Simon Cowell. He won £20 worth of cooking utensils. If only his 15 minutes had ended there.

Here are some songs that pay tribute to The Quiz Of The Week, starting with the band John Squire formed after quitting The Stone Roses...

We've got the Milai Massacre, E-type Jaguar

Barbie, Ken and Christy Brown

Anne Frank's Diary, DC's Library

A chunk of the Berlin wall

Sure you can find what you're after

We've got it all for sale today

Save all your change, come and play

20th century sale starts today

The Seahorses - Sale Of The Century

The word "Satellities" is clearly one that's ripe for inclusion in a future edition of Namesakes. It looks like it would be a very long edition, even by this blog's patience-testing standards. Here's one of the more recent contenders, with lead singer Johnny Vic performing live with a 16 piece choir at the Church of Saint Saviour in Hampstead.

It's the Sale of the Century everything must go

Heritage, history everything must go

It's the sale of the century everything must go

All pride and dignity, heritage, history

A once in a lifetime bargain

Satellites - Sale Of The Century

And here are the Futureheads, big fans of the 80s...

Don't cheapen yourself for the Sale of the Century

I didn't mean it

I've changed my mind

The Futureheads - Sale Of The Century

And here's Kevin and Lol...

If they auctioned my heart

On The Sale of the Century

Would it still be there

At the end of the show?

Would the Quizmaster man

Call it a booby prize

'Cause nobody wanted to know?

Godley & Creme - Sale Of The Century

And here are some guys who need to BACK OFF THE MIC!

Cable - Sale Of The Century

And here... and here... and here...

The Guttersnipes - Sale Of The Century

But there was only ever going to be one winner today, and I'm sure if Martin's here, he'll have guessed it immediately.

Take it away, Louise...

It's still you and the moment you met me

You said I was cheap, 

You were the Sale of the Century

TV On The Radio #12: Metal Mickey

How do you get from Mickey Dolenz to Brett Anderson with only two degrees of separation?

Metal Mickey first appeared on The Saturday Banana, a 1978 kids TV show I don't remember... probably because I was watching Swap Shop at the time. By 1980 he had graduated into his own sitcom, which also featured Irene Handl, Gary Shail from Quadrophenia and Margaret Omolola Young, the future Baroness Young of Hornsey as Janey. The show was produced, and at times directed, by one Mickey Dolenz...

As research, I watched bits of the Metal Mickey pilot episode on youtube. I didn't enjoy it as much as I did when I was 8, but Mickey seems more sarkily benign that the artificial intelligence of today.

Between 1979 and 1983, Metal Mickey released 6 singles. None of them appear to have troubled the singles chart. Here's one, which will cost you £20 for an original copy on discogs...

The Firm had a couple of novelty hits in the 80s based on the popular TV shows, Minder (Arthur Daley E's Alright) and Star Trek (Star Trekkin'... which went to Number One, which I can only apologise for, as I did buy a copy myself). Here's something else they did...

All me mates are on a diet
And I think I'd like to try it
But they take the Metal Mickey out of me
I tried to lose weight from me hips
By cutting down on silicon chips
And just the one expansion module in me tea

The Firm - Heavy Metal Robot

In 1996, Mr Dexter, Shylock & Mr Spyce were The Brotherhood. Look what happened when they got a rhyming dictionary for Christmas...

Who be motormouth Metal Mickey
Audible barrage like Pat nagging Ricky
It's sticky

The Brotherhood - Alphabetical Response

All right. You all know why we're here. 

I always assumed that the title of Suede's first Top 20 hit was some kind of 90s drug culture reference. A rave culture equivalent of a Mickey Finn, perhaps, the knockout drug of choice in all the old detective films I loved. Turns out it's actually a reference to the TV show... but why, I've no idea, since the lyrics have nothing to do with a smart-mouthed boogieing robot, and were apparently written as an ode to KatieJane Garside, the lead singer of Daisy Chainsaw. 

She sells hearts
She sells meat
Oh, dad, she's driving me mad
Come see, ay-ay

I've no idea if KatieJane worked in Brett Anderson's local butcher's shop on a weekend (the video suggests she might have done) but I always thought "Oh, dad, she's driving me mad" was a great chorus line.

Boogie Boogie. 

TV On The Radio #10: Coronation Street (Part 1)

For somewhere between ten and fifteen years of my life, I watched Coronation Street religiously. It was just you did. To be fair, it was only on twice a week back then, rather than every night and twice on Sundays, or whatever it is nowadays. I saw the lorry crash into the Rover's Return and the fire a few years later that nearly burnt the pub to the ground. I saw Brian Tilsley stabbed outside a nightclub and Alan Bradley hit by a tram while chasing after Rita in Blackpool. I saw Deirdre Barlow have her affair with Mike Baldwin and Ken's terrifying reaction (William Roache almost had to act that day!). And then I discovered Brookside and Corrie seemed twee in comparison. That's the thing with soap operas - one minute you're addicted, the next you're onto the next drug. It's funny though - I just mentioned the big tragedies that happened on the Street while I was watching it... but it seems they happen on a weekly basis these days, rather than once every few years. At least that's the impression I get from the front cover of the TV Times. 

Coronation Street's been on TV for 63 years now, and particularly in the 60s, 70s and 80s, everybody watched it. So if you were a pop star growing up in those days, it's no wonder you might have dropped a reference into one of your songs. 

We'll start today with a new discovery. Michael Knight. How could I not love a band named after the hero of Knight Rider, as played by The Hoff? Furthermore, this is from an album called I'm Not Entirely Sure How I Ended Up Like This. Which seems apt. It's not the easiest listen, but there's something about it I liked enough to buy their entire discography from Bandcamp, so I'll let you know about the rest of their output... 

I suppose I’ll soon tire of her charm
Unless first she grows tired of me
Our love will shine eternally
Though I guess there’re her gossip mags
And her beloved TV
It’s time for Coronation Street

Michael Knight - Coronation Street

Next up, the always-worth-a-listen Clifford T. Ward, who also likes to name-drop himself, with the T. included...

She likes her television
'Crossroads', 'Coronation Street'
And Robin Day's bow tie
She likes the quiz shows
Where people win a lot of money
And that makes sense to her
She likes to listen to the radio
Music, Clifford T., She says he's nice
He's flattered

Clifford T Ward - All Modern Conveniences

Watford's Sad Lovers & Giants have been doing their thing since 1980. Here they put forward a rather frightening notion...

The Martians have stolen my television
But they left my poetry
They're learning about our condition
By watching Coronation Street

Sad Lovers & Giants - Life Will Ill Us

No wonder the aliens never come to visit. They probably think we'll push them down the stairs and then hide their body in a disused building site round the back of the Rover's.

Richard Thompson sees TV as the new religion...

Jerusalem on the Jukebox, they talk in tongues on Coronation Street
Heaven help the Pharisee whose halo has slipped down to his feet
A thousand satellite comedians have died for your sins
Jerusalem on the jukebox, little angels, beat your wings

Richard Thompson - Jerusalem On The Jukebox

...while Stephen Randall is doing his best to get on Product Placement Friday...

Wake me up with cup of Tetley
A slice of Hovis
Eggs, bacon and beans
But the rain is falling down
It's falling down, it's falling down
On Coronation Street

Stephen Randall - England Back (Like Ray Davies Sings)

Especially for C, here's some more Crass...

The army occupy Ireland, but the boot will never fit.
Was it Coronation Street? Or was it Londonderry?
Oh it doesn't fucking matter, Paul Daniels'll keep us merry.

Crass - Nineteen Eighty Bore 

Not fans then, boys? Not like the Toy Dolls anyway, who seem obsessed with Corrie...

Sitting watching Coronation Street
You decide to put your feet up, just about comfy in your seat
And she says, I'm feeling hungry
If she sends you out for a bag of fish'n'chips
You'll know it is time to say

The Toy Dolls - Cheerio & Toodle Pip

That's just one example. We'll look at another next week.

Laurie Shaw is one of those musicians I discovered through doing features such as this. He reminds me of Jarvis at times. He has (according to Bandcamp) released over 100 albums. The ones I've heard are all worth a listen, but I doubt I'll ever have time to hear them all.

I was ill with jealousy
All through Coronation Street
But then I was fine
After a bit, I was alright

Laurie Shaw - Forest Floor

Redhouse Gasoline are from Finland. Yet they appear to know quite a bit about British culture...

When Cynthia’s eyes met Reg’s
He felt just like he’d known her for ages
His chat-up line was really short and sweet
Said she was glamorous enough to be on Coronation Street
She never did her GCEs
Her mum got sick she had to work at the factory
All she ever wanted was for someone to hold her
At the pictures late one night Reg slipped his arm round her shoulder

Redhouse Gasoline - Brighton Pier Ever After

All of which leads us to Billy, still banging on about the British press...

If this does not reflect your view, you should understand
That those who own the papers also own this land
And they'd rather you believed
In Coronation Street capers
In the war of circulation, it sells newspapers
Could it be an infringement
Of the freedom of the press
To print pictures of women in states of undress?

Those are the best songs I could find that mentioned Coronation Street by name. However, there are many more which mention some of the street's iconic residents. Next week, we'll take a listen to some of those. I've got quite a few stacked up, but if you know of any songs that namedrops a legend from the street, do let me know.

TV On The Radio #10: Last Of The Summer Wine

This weekend was the 50th anniversary of Last of the Summer Wine, a sitcom about a bunch of ridiculous Yorkshire pensioners that ran for a total of 31 series before it breathed its last in 2010. I know this because I live in Holmfirth, the village (although it calls itself a town, it's not a town really) in which the show was set, a village which has thrived on LOTSW tourism for half a century. On Saturday, while Sam and I were trying to do our shopping, we had to navigate coach loads of fans (most of them now older than the show's characters) and cosplayers... yes, there were people wandering around dressed as Compo, Foggy, Clegg and Nora Batty. It was, as always, a right pain in the arse.

I watched the show as a kid, because it was just what you did round here. The main appeal was in working out where the location shots were filmed... increasingly, as the years went by, they weren't filmed in Holmfirth at all, but in surrounding villages such as Meltham, Honley, Marsden and Slawit (Slaithwaite) which is where I grew up. The show outlived most of its original cast: Michael Bates, who played Cyril Blamire in the original series, died in 1978. He was replaced by Brian Wilde as Foggy, who stayed with the show, on and off, till the mid-90s. Compo, who gave his name to the local Fish & Chip shop, was the show's main character until actor Bill Owen's death in 1999, after which he was replaced by his son, Tom. Of the originals, only the great Peter Sallis, the voice of Wallace & Gromit, outlived the show, though he was reduced to a sit down role by the final series, replaced in the "action" sequences by younger comedy actors such as Russ Abbott and Burt Kwouk. The show became an old folk's home for British thespians, with Brian Murphy, Frank Thornton, Thora Hird and Jean 'Hilda Ogden' Alexander joining the ranks over the years. Though I bailed out in the late 80s, my mum kept watching it, and still enjoys the repeats on UK Gold (or whatever it's called these days). Summer Wine is a time capsule of a certain type of Yorkshire village and its inhabitants... ironically most of the people who live in Holmfirth these days are comers-in. Compo probably wouldn't be able to afford a house round here anymore. (I barely can.)

Although the phrase "Last of the Summer Wine" sounds like it could originate from a Keats poem, it was actually coined by the show's creator, Roy Clarke, as a metaphor for living out the dregs of one's life in fine style. With that in mind, anyone referring to LOTSW in song must be familiar with the show itself, right?

It's just you and Foucault and my bass guitar

And I've seen you walk on water

And you wash your feet with my hair and my tears

I loved you in the runs the last of the summer wine.

Shurk - Foucault (feat. Jolliff)

Your guess is as good as mine.

Where have you been, Sonny Jim?

Where have you been all this time?

Drinking the last of the summer wine

On the run in the sun

High on the rocks

West of the Cox 

EMF - West of the Cox

Well, that's just Unbelievable.

Last of The Summer Wine

First of the Christmas Sherry

I guess it's just

Same poison, different berries

Dr. BigF MC - Black Hasselhoff

The Hoff name-drop got that one in here. 

This, on the other hand, I actually like... and not just because it also mentions Spider-Man...

Enough time has passed now 

We look like the cast of the Last of the Summer Wine

Mainly because I love the rest of the lyric...

'Cause my friend

You are worth the extra petrol

You are worth the extra data

You are worth the lunch I can't afford

Oh dude I'm like this with all my friends but

Can I come over and platonically play with your hair?

Can I come over and platonically play with your hair?

Pickle Darling - 5am

Pickle Darling are from New Zealand. Which means they must watch Last of the Summer Wine there! Bizarre.

Now here's Dennis Waterman. Yes, that one.

You said your last "I love you"

Drank the last of my summer wine

Took your shadows from my wall, babe

Took everything I thought was mine

Dennis Waterman - Nothing At All

As far as I know, Dennis never appeared in LOTSW. But he should have done.

Now, you might be expecting me to close today with this one. (Or you might not. It's hardly a Top 40 smash.)

Palma Violets - Last of the Summer Wine

But no. I'm going to cheat a little. Any excuse to play Nancy and Lee...

TV On The Radio #9: A Question of Sport

It seems bizarre now, how much we all sat around the TV of an evening when I was growing up, watching whatever was on, even if the show in question held no interest for me. Case in point: A Question of Sport, hosted by human Spitting Image puppet David Coleman, with team captains "cheeky" footballer Emlyn Hughes and the world's least charismatic rugby player, Bill Beaumont. Why did I watch it week after week when I had no interest in sport, couldn't answer any of the questions, and had no idea who any of the contestants were, unless it was Steve Davis or Ian Botham?  

It seems even more bizarre that A Question of Sport is still going. I understand there was a bit of a scandal recently when the BBC sacked longtime presenter Sue Barker for being too old. To add insult to injury, they replaced her with 3D-printed "funny man" facsimile Paddy McGuinnes, a quizmaster who makes David Coleman look like Magnus Magnusson. You can probably guess I don't still watch it, 40 years later.

I was sure Depeche Mode must have done a song named after A Question Of Sport. After all, they did give us...

Depeche Mode - A Question Of Time

...and...

Depeche Mode - A Question Of Lust

...but clearly Martin Gore (who wrote both) isn't a sports fan. 

When this next one cropped up on my lyric search, I thought it was a song called Courting by the London "indietronica" band Grand National. (I wish I'd made that genre up as a joke.) But no, it's a song called Grand National by Liverpudlian post-punk band Courting...

It's just a question of sport, we’re all just setting the course
We're all just cracking the whip with some incredible force

Courting - Grand National

The late great Cathal Coughlan, formerly of Microdisney and The Fatima Mansions, appears to be someone else who forced himself to watch A Question of Sport...

I learned to tell jokes, 
answer Questions Of Sport, 
I would run for charity. 

Cathal Coughlan & The Grand Necropolitan Quartet - Best Say We're Not Serious

Here are three songs named after the world's dullest quiz programme (some of you may care to disagree, alternate views are permitted), each of them guaranteed to be more thrilling than half an hour guessing What Happened Next?

Whirling Pig Dervish - A Question Of Sport 

Bureaucrats - A Question Of Sport

Citizen Cain - Question Of Sport

Today's top tune comes from the world of folk though... a little bit of (historical) political commentary from Eliza's dad...

Now the first that I met when I came into land
Was the Grantham grocer's daughter
She cried aloud, "How sorry I am
There wasn't anybody here for to caught you"
She crooned in my ear like I knew she could
Her Cabinet briefing on the misunderstood
Bathed my wounds in my very own blood
Calling on the world press to support her

TV On The Radio #8: The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

This week we have another show that had finished production long before I was born, yet always seemed to be repeated when I was growing up. Robert Vaughan and David McCallum were the actors who brought Bond-esque espionage to 60s TV screens, making an indelible impression on the next generation of songwriters...

To get us in the mood, here's that funky theme tune from Hugo Montenegro...

We start today with a glorious slice of 70's nostalgia from Belfast's Ian Livingstone...

So I set off on a tack
Along the rusty railway track
Balancing on the steel rails
Following the flow of the line
On a journey, of an old world
Where no trains have passed
Since the old days
And in this place
I can be Tom Sawyer or Steve McQueen
Or the Man from U.N.C.L.E. or me
I can be Tom Sawyer or Steve McQueen
Or The Sundance Kid or even me
On the old railway line

Livingstone - The Old Railway Line

Meanwhile, across the pond, Americana legend James McMurtry shares a similar nostalgia for the long lost summers of our youth...

We were used to all the best

The man from U.N.C.L.E. and The Wild, Wild West

We ruled the skies from a backyard swing

Nothing that flies could've stopped that thing

James McMurtry - Fuller Brush Man

Next up, Sweden is the place where swing meets hip hop... no, come back - these guys are good!

Just as long as I don’t miss the reruns

of The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Garfunkel and Simon

I grew up on A-team, Airwolf and MacGyver

'Cause I’ve heard from the elders

That everything was better back in the days

Even the weather!

Movits! - Sammy Davis Jr.

Today's best new discovery is The Ragamuffins. They sound like a Scouse Arctic Monkeys and one of their EPs is called The Benefits of A Downhill Paper Round. What more do you want? Blood?

Let's up the ante like the Man From U.N.C.L.E.

Leave a trail of destruction

I can sense your reluctance, 'cos I'm just style over substance

I started feeling like I've lost direction

Could you be my compass?

My needle needs some adjusting, it's just style over substance

The Ragamuffins - Style Over Substance

We follow that with the least annoying member of Genesis. Quite an accolade...

So if anybody tells you stories

Of how they're gonna change your world

Be they the Aga Khan, the ex Shah of Iran,

Or the man from U.N.C.L.E.,

Say I don't believe you cos I know we don't need you.

In the name of religion or of any politician,

I'm sure we've heard it all.

Tony Banks - A Curious Feeling 

Can't really disagree with the sentiment though.

Neil Tennant was obviously a fan of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. And before he got a job in the Pet Shop, he used to work for Marvel Comics, which probably explains why Captain Britain also gets name-checked in this tune...

The Pet Shop Boys - Building A Wall

As you no doubt remember, the two main characters in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. were Napoleon Solo (played by Robert Vaughan) and Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum). And here they are now...

At The Drive In - Napoleon Solo

Ike Bennett & The Crystalites - Illya Kuryakin

Sometimes on days like this

When the mirror seems so unkind

I remember the kid playing in the Georgia sun

His nose in a mystery book

Playing “pilot” in a magnolia tree

Shooting down those enemy fighter planes one by one

Just pretending to be Mickey Mantle

Hitting rocks in a field by the road

Or Napoleon Solo living the life of a spy

Jim Morris - Livin' Till The Day I Die

Angela & The Fans - Love Ya, Illya

The Young Fresh Fellows - TV Dream

Lots of TV shows referenced in that one, including The Jetsons, Perry Mason and The A Team...

The Cleaners From Venus - Illya Kuryakin Looked At Me

That last one just keeps popping up on this blog, doesn't it?

There are also a number of artists that have stolen the name of Robert Vaughan's character for their own musical identities, like this Danish ska band...

Napoleon Solo - I Don't Believe You

...this bunch from Spain...

Napoleon Solo - Lolaila Carmona

...and this guy from the Glasgow underground...

Napoleon Solo - Running Around

I couldn't find any bands named after Ilya though.

For me, the obvious winner today was probably the most tenuous, though clearly Declan had Napoleon and Ilya in mind when he penned this deep cut from Get Happy!! Need a great pop song but only have 2 minutes to spare? Elvis is your man...