TV On The Radio #11: Coronation Street (Part 2)

Last week, we looked at songs that mentioned Corrie. But what about the characters in Corrie? Some of them have been around so long, or made such an impact on popular culture, that they too have been immortalised in song. Let's start with Weatherfield's longest serving resident, the only one who's been there from the very start...

Ken Barlow

At 91 years of age, William Roache is in the Guinness Book of Records as the longest-serving television star in a continuous role. Which just goes to prove that charisma is not a prerequisite for TV success. Here's Harry Hill's reverential tribute...

My name is Ken
And I will see you on Monday, Thursday and Friday
Mountains may crumble,
Rivers may run dry,
But I will always be here 
For I am your friend - Ken!

Ray Langton - saw him off
Len Fairclough - never stood a chance
Mike Baldwin - ha ha, Poor Mike.

Elsie Tanner, Hilda Ogden, Ena Sharples - all gone
Yet I remain...

Harry Hill - Ken!

Football fans will know that Ken Barlow has also been immortalised in a terrace anthem by the supporters of Stoke City...

Stoke City Fans - Viva Ken Barlow

But the last word on Ken has to go to Nigel Blackwell, who always fancied himself as the frontman of American indie band Sebadoh... sadly, it was not to be.

I could have been like Lou Barlow
But I’m more like Ken Barlow

Half Man Half Biscuit - Lark Descending

Deirdre Barlow

From Ken, we obviously have to go to his long-suffering spouse, Deirdre. Ken and Deirdre got married twice - firstly in 1981, a day or so before Prince Charles married Princess Di. More people watched the fictional marriage. Their second marriage, in 2005, happened the day before Charles married Camilla. Again, more people watched Ken & Deirdre.

The biggest upset in the Ken and Deirdre's marriage was when Deirdre had an affair with rag trade J.R. Mike Baldwin. The Toy Dolls are still recovering from the trauma...

The Toy Dolls - Deirdre's A Slag

The Band Name Of The Week award goes to Bleeding Heart Pigeons. They're from Ireland and appear to be named after Luzon, an actual breed of pigeon that has a big red patch on its chest, also known as a "stabbed pigeon". 

I can almost smell the burning
It's all overloading
The plot goes in circles and the 
Characters are possessed
Deirdre throws a trifle across the room
Richard drives in a river screaming 'I love you'
Small trifles coalesce 
Into one big mess
And it's fucked up

Bleeding Heart Pigeons - Weddings & Wakes

Thirsty work this, so let's stop off at The Rover's Return...

The Korgis - Rover's Return

If that was on the jukebox in the Rover's, you'd probably go and drink in the Flying Horse or The Kabin. But Waite, there's more!

John Waite - Rover's Return

And let's not forget this...

Pat Phoenix - The Rover's Chorus

Pat Phoenix was, of course, one of the show's iconic Grand Dames...

Elsie Tanner

So iconic that Elton John placed her at the end of a very distinguished list...

Marlene Dietrich
Marilyn Monroe
Brigitte Bardot
Doris Day
Billie Jean
Samantha Fox
Joan Collins
Kiki Dee
Katharine Hepburn
Vivian Leigh
Grace Jones
Priscilla Presley
Vanessa Williams
Dusty Springfield
Nancy Reagan
Rita Hayworth
Petula Clark
Julie Andrews
Superwoman
Annie Lennox
Mata Hari
Anouska Hempel
Shirley Temple
Tallulah Bankhead
Linda Lovelace
Little Eva
Natassia Kinski
Princess Caroline of Monaco
Miss Pat Verness
Elsie Tanner

Elton John (featuring George Michael) - Wrap Her Up

Elsie also gets a mention in another Toy Dolls song, though this one is more about Kevin Webster's chequered love life...

The Toy Dolls - Molly Was Immortal

Meanwhile, Elsie gets paired with William Shatner in this lost "post punk diamond"...

Get home Monday
Dinner on the train
What shall we watch tonight?
Captain Kirk, or
Elsie Tanner
It is always a fight

Sandglow Marinas - Power Of TV

Still in the Rover's Return... who's that I see behind the bar?

Bet Lynch

It was actually Bet Lynch who inspired me to feature Coronation Street on this blog. Not because of this...

Bet Lynch - These Boots Are Made For Walking

And not because of this...

Bet Lynch's Legs - Some Like It Hot

(While we're on the subject, Bet's not the only Corrie character to have a band named after her...

The Mavis Riley Experience - The North Wales Emotional Suicide Blues)

No, the reason I decided to investigate songs about Corrie was because of this, from the much underrated Rodney Allen...

Sunday papers with diversity
Shock horror bingo and Dynasty
Missing truth and making a mess
Bet Lynch has got a flat in Hammersmith

Rodney Allen - Happy Sad

It's also worth remembering that Bet Lynch was a big influence on this video...

Still in the Rover's, who's that pulling a judgmental face at the way Bet's dressed this morning?

John Shuttleworth - Betty Turpin

And who's that cleaning up over in the corner? Only my favourite Corrie character...

Hilda Ogden

Honestly, Hilda deserved better than this... 

Snuff - Hilda Ogden And The Thick Plottens

Particularly as she was such a talented singer herself...

Hilda Singing

It always made me laugh when you heard Jean Alexander talk in real life, how posh she was. 

Now... which Coronation Street character do you think I found mentioned in more songs than anyone else... if it's not one of the big names above? Rita? Gail? Jack and Vera Duckworth? Sadly, I couldn't find anything for any of them. No, the true Queen of Corrie (according to the TV On The Radio Jukebox, anyway) is...

Ena Sharples

Look, life is very intricate, when you're in the crowd

Life becomes the movies

And everyone has a role

It's easy being the actor

When the combine's the only star 

Sunday papers

And the dailies

Ena Sharples

Page 3 girls

News at ten

War in Rhodesia

Far away

In a distant land

But we're alright

We're nice and warm here

No one to hurt us

Except ourselves

The Jam - The Combine

Why did Paul Weller stop writing lyrics like those?

Here's a band that do still write lyrics like that... with a lot more swearing.

Everyone still looks like Ena Sharples and Ray Reardon

People need to move on

That '50s look can do one

Elvis has definitely left the fucking building

The Sleaford Mods - TCR

Jeymes Samuel is Seal's younger brother. He makes music under the moniker Bullitts. He was born in 1979, one year before Ena Sharples left Coronation Street for good. So he must have been watching the show at a very young age...

I'm a weirdo,

You're a weirdo too my love,

So don't kill all the fun.

I was playing. You were playing too my love,

Until you pulled out that gun,

And shot that photograph

With Ena Sharples' autograph,

I only tried to have a laugh with you...

The Bullitts - Weirdo

Even younger that The Bullitts though is Connecticut "Indie Rapper" Armando Acevedo II, aka Sketch Tha Cataclysm. The mind boggles as to where he came across the name Ena Sharples, although he does pronounce her first name "Enna", which makes me think he's just done a google search for words that rhyme with metacarpals.

Man, I'm ripping that mic like Ena Sharples 

Once it touches metacarpals

Sketch Tha Cataclysm - Place To Be

Our final Ena mention comes from Richard Jobson and Stuart Adamson in a glorious punky list song that celebrates a number of Corrie (and Crossroads) stars, including Annie Walker and Stan Ogden, while Hilda, Bet and Eddie Yates get a mention on the Peel Sessions version. But the chorus belong to one man and one man only...

Albert Tatlock

So the last word goes to Albert... but being the sole focus of a chorus by The Skids is not this Corrie character's greatest claim to pop immortality. Oh no! Because actor Jack Haworth, who played Albert for almost a quarter of a century, was also responsible for the spoken word introduction on this...

Celebrity Jukebox #71: Burt Bacharach

What the world needs now is another tribute to one of the most important musicians of the 20th Century. From his peerless work with lyricist Hal David to later collaborations with Carole Bayer Sager, Neil Diamond and Elvis Costello, Burt Bacharach created an unparalleled songbook of timeless classics. What can I say that hasn't already been said by far more erudite folk than me?

How about sitting back and listening to a few tributes from the Celebrity Jukebox? And who better to start with than... The Quo?!?

Hardly going to beat that, am I?

Maybe not, but I was pleased to find that a number of my favourite artists happily name dropped Burt B. in their lyrics. For example...

Aimee Mann - It Takes All Kinds

I would like to keep this vision
Of you intact,
When we'd hang around and listen
To Bacharach
And you loved the world you lived in
And it loved you back

Thea Gilmore - Saviours And All

It's closing time
And the drunks sing some stray lines of Bacharach
It's too late now to even out the score
You drain the glass and raise your hand for more
So I'll take cover while you just take the floor

Jens Lekman - If You Ever Need a Stranger (To Sing at Your Wedding)

If you ever need a stranger
To sing at your wedding
A last minute choice then I am your man
I know every song, you name it
By Bacharach or David
Every stupid love song that's ever touched your heart
Every power ballad that's ever climbed the charts

Weezer - Do You Wanna Get High?

Do you wanna get high?
It's like we're falling in love
We can listen to Bacharach
And stop at any point

They Might Be Giants - You Culture Killed My Dog

Bacharach and David
Used to write his favourite songs
Never, never, never would he worry
He'd run and fetch the ball

Cracker - Shine

You'll be a Russian acrobat
You'll be like Burt Bacharach
You come to the party, you say "What's new pussycat?"
Someday you're gonna shine
You'll see

Then, if we look a little further than just the usual suspects, we find this eccentric selection with lyrics that scratched my itch...

Riffer - That's The Kind Of Room

Now that's the kind of room
I'd like to fill with Burt Bacharach music
The look of love
Is in your eyes

Remember when Burt was married to Angie Dickenson
Can't you see her
Angie's in an evening gown
Drinking scotch on the rocks
Those rocks are clinking as she walks across the room
"The Look of Love" rises from Burt's piano
Oh, what a muse!

Eva B. Ross - On My Way Out

But oh you could fool me into staying
Talking in the corner, hating all the music playing
I like the Rockmes and Bacharach
And I'd happily burn a playlist with an explanation 
Track for track

Particularly fond of this next one...

SE Webster - Already Gone

Meet me in the backwoods, we're going after dark
We're digging a hole in the ground, there's no need to worry at all
You ask too many questions like, "who's it for?" etcetera
C'mon, you must know you're already gone
Just think back to Bacharach & chocolate-covered strawberries
Since you seem to think it's our only good memory
You say you've been done around here
No need to repeat, you've made it perfectly clear
That you're already gone

All of which leads us back to where we started, songs that mention Burt in the title. Can anyone compete with the Quo? You decide...

Snuff - Bacharach

Beaumont - Bacharach

Fitness Forever - Bacharach

Bigott - Bar Bacharach

The Worn Flints - Burt Bacharach

Today's best discovery comes from "Withington's Burt Bacharach", Chris Keaney and his Electric Lovehandles. Let's just say that bandcamp purchases ensued. This is proving an expensive feature for me...

Celebrity Jukebox #29: Nerys Hughes

I'm really enjoying researching and writing this feature, which is why you're getting it three times a week at the moment, whether you like it or not. (Also, doing so gives me less opportunity to whinge.) However, after the mammoth investigations of Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby, I figured I'd pick someone a little easier for the latest installment. Surely there can't be more than one song about Nerys Hughes... can there?

Well, there was one more than I knew about.

Snuff - Timebomb

(Link is to the full album, so you have to scroll through to track 3. I'd like to tell you it's worth the effort, but... well, let's just say you'll be glad I transcribed the lyrics for you.)

Sad bag of cliches sitting on a timb bomb.

Ask Nerys Hughes it's a very short fuse.

Go find Alfie ask about the road rage,

Odds on it's kicking off somewhere near you.

Nerys Hughes enjoyed ten years mucking about as one of The Liver Birds before clearing off back to Wales to become The District Nurse. The fact that Nerys was a Welsh bird doing a ropey Liverpudlian accent for all that time seems to have incensed The Pope of Birkenhead, Nigel Blackwell. He also takes offence at Carla Lane, the writer who popularised Scouse cliche for humour in both The Liver Birds and Bread. 

Half Man Half Biscuit - Let's Not

Come on into my world

Where everything is done without Carla Lane

Come into my world

Where Vanburn Holder joins a local grindcore outfit 

But this is why we came here today. Nerys is, according to the always essential Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project, not a fan...

Half Man Half Biscuit - I Hate Nerys Hughes (From The Heart)