My Top ∞ Radio Songs #9: The DJ Sucks

In case you're wondering, I'm not going to even try to write these posts in chronological order, so this week's post is about stupid things DJs say, inspired by a news story I read last week. I wouldn't have believed it - as one commentator remarks, it's beyond even Alan Partridge - except... having worked in radio for as long as I did, it doesn't surprise me at all. You really should click the link and read it.

You put a microphone in front of anybody for a few hours a day, five or six days a week, and sooner or later they're going to say something stupid. You have to accept that. DJs regularly lose their jobs for saying stupid things on air without considering the consequences. I used to work with Chris Moyles, long before his Radio 1 days, and I was there in the studio with him one New Year's Eve when he made a daft remark "about the station's previous programme controller" which cost him his job at that station. I quote from Iffypedia to show I'm not revealing anything here that isn't already in the public domain... or wasn't referred to in Moyles' 2006 autobiography... which I only read because I wanted to see what he said about said incident. Despite the fact that he often comes across as an arrogant knob on air, I always found Moyles to be quite the opposite off air, and I felt bad when they got rid of him... but I digress. The point I'm trying to get to is that sometimes DJs say or do daft things on purpose, even becoming notorious for it, and their career often goes from strength to strength as a result. It's a gamble, but it can pay off.

My first experience of this came in December 1988, shortly after the death of Roy Orbison, when the first jock I ever worked with in local radio landed himself in the tabloids for the following gag (and the "storm of controversy" it created)...

Q: What's definitely not getting plucked this Christmas?

A: Roy Orbison's guitar.

I only worked Saturday mornings at that time and I remember a friend of my mum's calling us up and saying, "Isn't that the DJ Rol works with? Do you think he'll get in trouble? Will he lose his job?" I was worried, because I'd only been there a few months at the time and who was to say if my job might have gone with his...

So it was with some trepidation that I ventured into the studios the following Saturday morning, only to be greeted with the reality of radio. Everybody in the station thought the press coverage was great: on air, they were playing it up as "he's had his wrists slapped for that gag and he won't do it again"... off air, he was a hero.

It was still a terrible joke. It wasn't even funny.

9. REM - Radio Song

This week's radio song is no stranger to a bit of controversy itself, since it was criticised by musos at the time for its mix of rock and rap (from guest vocalist KRS-One), as though REM were trying too hard to be hip. I don't think they were, and Stipey himself claims this song was a bit of a piss-take, aimed at lightening the band's image. Which I think it did wonderfully...

What are you saying?
What are you playing?
Who are you obeying?
Day out day in?
Baby, baby, baby, baby
That stuff is driving me crazy
DJs communicate to the masses
Sex and violent classes
Now our children grow up prisoners
All their lives radio listeners!

!

June #9: No Time For Randiness Today...

...because today is the first of two brand new GCSE English exams that I've been preparing my students for over the last twelve months. A parting gift from the wonderful Mr. Gove (remember him?), the new GCSE is a very tough course, suitable for those who want to pursue English to a higher level and becomes novelists, copywriters, bloggers of merit et al... yet not entirely appropriate for those tens of thousands of students for whom an English qualification is mandatory to allow them to progress to a higher level qualification in a field such as health, accountancy or engineering.

Personally, I find the new GCSE fascinating because it's all about words, their power, their connotations, how they can be used to influence, persuade and even brainwash readers. But I do understand why 75% of my students find it difficult, and why many employers might find it irrelevant for their needs (though you do still need it to get a good job!). And let's not even start on the new grading system, which nobody understands at all. You won't be getting an A, B, or C anymore... but a number between 1 and 9. Even the Department of Education can't decide what a passing grade will be: at the start of the year, they told us 5... now, in a blind panic over the expected results, they've revised their pass to a 4. I have no idea how many of my students will achieve that... but I know it'll be a damned sight less than got a C or above last year.

So, I'm just not feeling Randy today. We'll get back to that next week. In the meantime, here's Loudon...

9. Loudon Wainwright III - Final Exam



Best of luck to anyone taking the new GCSE English exam today. You'll need it!

June #10: Getting Seduced By The Roches

10. Maggie & Terre Roche - Underneath The Moon

I mentioned a few weeks back my accidental discovery of New Jersey folkies The Roches. Since then, I've been doing a little digging into their back catalogue. The first thing I came up with was the 1975 debut album by two of the three Roche sisters, Maggie & Terre. Lyrically, there's a cheeky wit underlying many of the songs (even the heartbreakers) which makes them stand out all the more to me. It's reminiscent of Paul Simon - no surprise, since the ladies provided backing vocals for his third solo album just prior to their debut. He was obviously an influence.

The battle of the sexes, interracial romance, loneliness, the perils of songwriting... it's all here, with a sound that also reminds me of the contemporary queens of quirky folk, First Aid Kit.

I overheard a wise gal say
Whose gentleman was her ruin
"Sweetness gets me nowhere
'Cept, underneath the moon."

Good men want a virgin
So don't you give yourself too soon
'Cept in an emergency
Like underneath the moon.

My Top Ten Stalker Songs (Volume 1)

There should be a question mark in that.
But maybe the fact that there isn't... 
making it more of an imperative than a question...
is actually quite apt.

This is one of those Top Tens I've been wanting to do since I started this blog... the only problem being, there are way too many songs about stalkers and stalking people to only choose ten. Because songwriters are a bunch of creepy, obsessive weirdos. So this is Volume 1... of, quite a few, probably. I have loads more saved up for future volumes, but feel free to make suggestions.


10. The Police - Every Breath You Take

Let's start with the obvious one. Iffypedia says that this one song is "estimated to generate between a quarter and a third of Sting's music publishing income". Stalking pays for the Popo.

9. Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart

I don't know what's more creepy about this song: the lyrics or the bassline.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we'll be lovers, lovers at last

8. Eels - Restraining Order Blues

Here's one stalker you almost feel sorry for...

Life goes on

Nothing is new

Judge made it clear

I can't be near you

Everybody knows that I'm not a violent man

Just someone who knows he's in love...

7. Doobie Brothers - What A Fool Believes

This is one of those amiable radio hits that everybody knows... but nobody really knows what it's about. I have to confess, I didn't realise just how creepy it was until recently.

Ladies... So this guy turns up from your past. You remember him, you act friendly towards him. But there was never anything between you. Except... he thinks there was. And there's no point trying to tell him otherwise...

But what a fool believes

He sees

No wise man has the power

To reason away

What seems to be

Is always better than nothing...

Weirdly, there's another story connected to this song which makes those lyrics take on a different meaning entirely. When Michael Jackson claimed to have sung uncredited backing vocals on the track, the song's writers, Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins, went, "Eh? We don't recall that, Michael..."

6. Badly Drawn Boy - Everybody's Stalking

When self-confessed Springsteen obsessive Damon Gough sings, "strap your hands across my engines" in the opening verse of this stalker song, maybe it's time for Bruce to keep an eye out for a weirdy-beardy in a Benny hat who might be following him home...

5. Lydia Loveless - Steve Earle

Dedicated to a creep who used to stalk Lydia... he looked just like Steve Earle. (Thanks to Charity Chic for bringing this one to my attention.)

4. REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You

If you think this is just a harmless, slushy soft rock ballad, then you've obviously never listened to the first verse in detail... or watched the ultra-creepy video in which lead singer Kevin Cronin goes all Norman Bates.... brrr.

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby
There was something missing
You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe...
But you didn't listen
You played dead
But you never bled
Instead you lay still in the grass
All coiled up and hissing...

When he said that he loved you, he meant that he loved you FOREVER.

3. REM - Losing My Religion

Consider this, the hint of the century: Michael Stipe compared REM's breakthrough hit to Every Breath You Take...

That's him in the corner. Coo-eee! I can see you!

2. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee

Originally by The Left Banke, yes, but for me, nobody beats Levi and the boys...

Just walk away, Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries

Although Billy Bragg's completely different Version (with Johnny Marr on guitar) comes damned close. Luckily, Billy doesn't get arrested for stalking though, even when Renee starts going out with Mr. Potato Head. She cuts her hair and he stops loving her...

1. Soko - I'll Kill Her

Because stalking isn't just something men do. Don't mess with Soko's bloke: she'll keel you.




That's volume one done. There'll be another ten following very soon. You won't know where or when, but they will be coming after you...

The Top Ten Songs I Hated When I Was A Kid #5

I've not done one of these for a while, mainly because I've been struggling to think of any more songs I hated back when I was a kid but don't mind now. I can think of plenty I hated then and still hate now - I'd Rather Jack (Than Fleetwood Mac) by The Reynolds Girls always comes to mind, even though I really should have got over that by now. I mean, the Mac obviously had the last laugh on that one, didn't they? I'm sure there are other contenders I haven't thought of yet, and I'll get to those when I think of them, but here's one I couldn't possibly hate now as much as when it came out... I may even have developed a soft spot for it over the years.

5. Vanilla Ice - Ice, Ice Baby

All right, stop: collaborate and listen! My main reason for hating Ice, Ice Baby is plain to hear. The sample. Under Pressure. Queen AND Bowie. I mean, that's friggin' sacred, man! (Or it was when I was 18.) You don't mess with Queen AND Bowie! Even worse, old Robert Van Winkle (you can't make this stuff up) didn't even pay them for the sample at first and even tried to claim it WASN'T a sample and that he'd added an extra note (he didn't) which changed the bassline (it didn't) enough to avoid plagiarism (it didn't). To be fair, he later changed his mind on that, claimed his original quote was a joke, and paid up. (I suspect Queen AND David Bowie's lawyers might have had something to do with that.)

For a few precious weeks towards the end of 1990, nothing could stop Vanilla Ice. During that time, I hated this record. It put me off rap music (which I'd been tentatively dipping my toe into through the likes of Run DMC and the Beastie Boys) for a long time. Ironically, it'd take another white rapper - Eminem - to finally lure me back in, but that was almost a decade later.

Ice, Ice Baby was such a big, big hit that RVW wasn't ever going to be able to match it. As time went by, it became seen as a novelty record, leading the cool kids to turn against it in droves. In just over a decade, it went from being the first hip hop single to top the mainstream chart in America (and much of the rest of the world) to being voted fifth in a countdown of the 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped hating it... and it started making me smile. I'm not going to claim it's a great record: it's not. But it's stood the test of time better than a lot of music from 1990. And when Robert's big ice-skating comeback show - Vanilla Ice On Ice (I'm still not making it up) - was cancelled last year due to poor ticket sales, I felt genuinely bad for him. I guess he must have killed my brain like a poisonous mushroom...