Thursday, 8 March 2018

My Top Ten Contraception Songs

I'm sure there are hundreds of pop songs which have caused a conception or two (Barry White's entire back catalogue?) but here are ten that might help stop you getting pregnant...

10. Gang of Four - At Home He's a Tourist

According to iffypedia, "Gang of Four's music brought together an eclectic array of influences, ranging from the neo-Marxist Frankfurt School of social criticism to the increasingly clear trans-Atlantic punk consensus". Fortunately, the music they made was nowhere near as pretentious as some of their fans! Plus, they were from Leeds, so extra marks for that.

Down on the disco floor 
They make their profit 
From the things they sell 
To help you cob off 
And the rubbers you hide 
In your top left pocket

I was ten when The Belle Stars released The Clapping Song. Oh, the fun we had on school trips singing "And she won't buy me a rubber Johnny" on the coach home... much to the consternation of our teachers. It was right up there with "Charlie had a budgie".

9. The Beautiful South - Mini-Correct

They say always use a condom , 
I say always use a whip 
They say be careful where you come at night , 
I just shoot straight from the hip 

These neatly folded corduroys 
Hide rubber underneath 
But the only rubber you have worn 
Is that useless rubber sheath

Who knew Paul Heaton was so kinky? No one, actually. This is him playing the role of a sexist oaf to criticise mile chauvinist wankers who sew their seeds wherever they can and care little for the consequences.

8. The Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly

Of course, "jelly" is what the Americans call jam, so this might be a song about that...

She don't use jelly
Or any of these
She uses Vaseline

Or perhaps not.

(Of course, like many Lips songs, it could just be utter nonsense.)

7. The Clash - Protex Blue

Condoms are often accused of stripping the romance out of lovemaking. Enter the anti-romantic Mr. Strummer...

It's a fab protective for that type of a girl
But everybody knows that she uses it well
It's a therapeutic structure I can use at will
But I don't think it fits my V.D. bill

6. Prince - Little Red Corvette

This is only Number 6 because it also featured in last week's Top Ten. Otherwise, it'd be a shoe-in for #1 in any chart.
I guess I must be dumb
'Cause you had a pocket full of horses
Trojan and some of them used
But it was Saturday night
I guess that makes it all right
And you say what have I got to lose?

The very fact that Trojan is the name of a brand of condoms... you could write a thesis on that.

5. Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts

Bobby said he'd pull out 
Bobby stayed in 

Yeah, how effective is that withdrawal method anyway, Bobby?

Janey had a baby 
It wasn't any sin 


4. Arab Strap - Packs Of Three

Hated having to vote against this in this week's ICA World Cup. But you've got to go some to make me vote against Lloyd.

(Do I need to put a "Not Safe For Work" or "Not For The Easily Offended" sticker on this one?)

3. Loretta Lynn - The Pill

Could also have been Number One, had it not already enjoyed that honour in My Top Ten Hotpants Songs.
There's a gonna be some changes made 
Right here on nursery hill 
You've set this chicken your last time 
'Cause now I've got the pill
You tell 'em, girl!

2. The Specials - Too Much Too Young

"You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me": as chat-up lines go, Terry & Jerry, that takes some beating. Got anything else to add?

Take control of the population boom 
It's in your living room 
Keep a generation gap 
Try wearing a cap!

(I know a radio station that edited the last line off this track if they ever played it on air.)

1. Madness - House of Fun

It had to be really, didn't it? Arguably Madness's finest moment: getting to the top of the charts with a song about a 16 year old trying to buy condoms from the chemist. Genius.

I'm sorry, son
But we don't stock
Party gimmicks
In this shop.
Try the House of Fun
It's quicker if you run
This is a chemist
Not a jokers' shop!

Any planned parenthood anthems in your pack of three?

I'm waiting for someone to suggest This Mortal Coil.

And I'm ready to argue that Rubber Ring is about vinyl records...


  1. I might have flipped the top two. Or not. Both brilliant.

    Pregnant For The Last Time, by Moz?

    1. There's no greater contraceptive than being a Morrissey fan. Stopped me getting any for years...

  2. Given that today is International Women's Day, I thought I might give a European flavour to this post by mentioning that “The Singing Nun” (of 'Dominique' 1960's hit single fame) seemingly recorded a song titled "Glory be to God for the Golden Pill". (Trust those God-botherers to bring HIM into the act!)

    1. Always pleased to hear The Singing Nun get a nod. Although... Being a nun... I doubt she'd have much use for it.

  3. Just like your reference to The Clapping Song, around the same time we used to sing to It's My Party and I'll Cry if i want to, Nobody knows where my Johnnies have gone, same childish humour :-)

    1. Ah yes! We sang that too! (I had no idea what johnnies were at the time.)

  4. Arrived late as ever, but always thought "Johnny, Remember Me" would be a great song to front up a campaign for contraception.


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