Friday, 27 June 2025

Emergency Questions #9: New Laws


The Hives - The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime

Another conversation query from Richard Herring's book Emergency Questions...

If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

Where do we begin? Perhaps by asking a couple of pop stars what laws they might institute...

There oughta be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man

You know it doesn't make much sense
There ought to be a law against
Anyone who takes offense
At a day in your celebration

Stevie Wonder - Happy Birthday

As for myself...

Ian McNabb - There Oughta be a Law

The obvious one - a law banning Audi drivers. Or should I just ban Audis? No, no, guns don't kill people: people kill people. It's the people who want to own an Audi and drive it like a scumbag because they think they're better than everyone else... they're the real threat to society.

And there definitely ought to be a law against people who drive vehicles that break the sound barrier. You with your twin exhausts or your motorbike engines that sound like an angry road drill when you rev them up. At 11 o'clock at night. When decent folk are trying to sleep.

Wolves of Glendale - Loud Ass Car

How about a law forbidding you from having a nice long chat with your mates in the supermarket while blocking the aisle and preventing access to the frozen peas?

Or a law that forces bartenders to serve people in the actual order they got to the bar, not just the pushy / attractive ones first? (And I say this as someone who doesn't drink and therefore goes up to a bar about twice a year. This law is more for your benefit that mine.)

Kris Kristofferson - The Law Is For Protection Of The People

Better yet, a law that creates two separate queues in coffee shops. A slow queue for anyone ordering a mocha-choca-spocka-latte with whipped cream and sprinkles or any drink that involves crushed ice. And a fast track queue for people who just want coffee. Black coffee. We're not even pfaffing about with frothy steamed milk. We just want our drink. Fast.

Mickey & Sylvia - There Oughta Be A Law

And what about a law to outlaw anyone I can't stand? 

Bono. The Gallaghers. Michael McIntyre. 

When I am king, to quote Radiohead, you will be first against the wall...

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Not to mention the ones for whom - I'm sorry - a firing squad is too good.

Donald Trump. Elon Musk. Nigel Farage. Andrew Tate.

I hope there's plenty of room in that Suffolk ditch...


If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?


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