Showing posts with label Nick Heyward. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nick Heyward. Show all posts

Thursday, 22 February 2024

Cnut Songs #25: Trigger Warning!


King Cnut could not hold back the tide, and I cannot hold back society's full-throttle descent into dystopia. All I can do is watch helplessly from the sidelines, and nod my head sagely when others hold a mirror up to the madness. 

Thinkin' all about those censored sequences
Worryin' about the consequences
Waiting until I come to my senses
Better put it all in present tenses

Little triggers that you pull with your tongue
Little triggers, I don't want to be hung up, strung up
When you don't call up

Elvis Costello - Little Triggers

Louise was very excited to hear that they had remastered / re-issued the original Tomb Raider games and that she would be able to play them on Sam's Nintendo. But not before she first had to contend with the Trigger Warning...

You'll find various people online debating / objecting to / agreeing with / traumatised by the insertion of this trigger warning into Lara Croft's original adventures. As someone who's not part of any of the minorities besmirched by their representation in said game, it's probably not my place to comment... so let's look to English Literature instead for our trigger warnings...

This production includes depictions of self-harm, graphic violence and references to suicide.

That's from a theatre production of King Lear, in case you were wondering.

Talking Heads - Warning Sign

Death: 1

Domestic Abuse (Verbal): 1

Incest: 1

Suicide: 1

And that's a calculation of the potential triggers in Hamlet.

The Bandits - The Warning

Meanwhile, The Globe Theatre recently warned its audiences about a new production of Romeo & Juliet...

This production contains depictions of suicide, moments of violence, and references to drug use. It contains gunshot sound effects and the use of stage blood.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this production of Romeo and Juliet please find details below of organisations offering advice and support.

A bunch of Tory politicians were soon up in arms about that, while world famous thespian Christopher Biggins chipped in, "It’s wokeness gone mad!"

Green Day - Warning

Ralph Fiennes, Ian McKellen and Matt Smith have also taken umbrage at the trigger warnings many theatres have begun to inflict upon their audiences, though Ralph's response was a little more considered than Biggins... 

"I think the impact of theatre should be that you’re shocked and you should be disturbed. I don’t think you should be prepared for these things and when I was young, (we) never had trigger warnings for shows.”

Band of Horses - Warning Signs 

I find myself torn on this matter... and not just because if I do voice outrage at trigger warnings, I'll be joining the protest line alongside Tory MPs, Christopher Biggins and The Daily Mail. Just the very fact that those guys are in opposition makes me want to clutch trigger warnings to my bosom and welcome them with an open heart. 

The Move - The Disturbance

I teach English to young people who are suffering severe mental health problems... and yet they have to study the same texts as every other GCSE student in the country, including Macbeth (full of violence, murder, suicide and a gradual descent into madness for more than one character) and An Inspector Calls (a murder mystery which hinges around a character being driven to commit suicide by drinking bleach after she's been raped - arguably by more than one man - and castigated by society). Many of these issues are central to the experiences of some of the young people I teach... and yet, they do appear to be able to draw a line between the fiction they're studying and the reality they may have endured. Perhaps that's not always the case, and we treat every student on an individual basis depending on whether the medical professionals think they're ready to tackle such issues... but from everything I've been reading about mental health, hiding away from unpleasant issues only makes them worse. I'm not a psychiatrist and it's not my job to offer counselling... just to teach the texts. Still, it does make me wonder if trigger warnings might be doing more harm than good, shielding people from things they'd be better off confronting... if they ever want to come to terms with them.    

Robert Palmer - Disturbing Behavior

Of course, there's a difference between trigger warnings for disturbing subject matter and trigger warnings for outdated attitudes. I don't have a problem reading Huckleberry Finn or To Kill A Mockingbird with a class, both of which contain frequent use of racial epithets that were common parlance at the time they were written. It's a good way of opening up a debate about language, racism and historic prejudice. It's even more important to teach these texts nowadays, and have those discussions, than ever before. If the publishers want to add a warning that the texts contain outdated attitudes "rooted in racial and ethnic prejudices", that's fine with me. Far better that than banning or editing said texts and pretending prejudice just didn't exist. Doesn't exist. 

The Specials - Racist Friend

Having thought about it then, I completely agree with that trigger warning on Tomb Raider, as ridiculous and trivial as it might seem at first glance. Because when it comes to any kind of outdated attitude, I do believe it's important to "acknowledge its harmful impact and learn from it". And really, does that one screen affect your enjoyment of the game in any way? If it does, that probably says more about your own deep-rooted prejudices than it does about Tomb Raider. 

Jimmy Buffett - Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes

To close on a lighter note, I did have to laugh when watching Die Hard again this Christmas past, noting that despite the gratuitous violence and liberal use of foul language (though interestingly, for an 80s film, no really outdated attitudes), the biggest warning to pop up on screen before hand was that by watching this film, we'd be subjected to the image of Bruce Willis smoking a cigarette! Different times indeed...

Nick Heyward - Warning Sign

Warning: this blog contains many, many outdated attitudes. Usually involving popular music of the 80s that the cool kids have long since decided is rubbish... but I still love it anyway. That's my trigger warning, in case its needed.

History is made, not repeated
And you hide behind words that make you feel needed
And what you read in those books made you so conceited
So in order for love to be true
My dreams will have to
Become my only rules

I want a warning
I want a warning
I want something more than a warning

Wake me up on into a world outdated
And the older you get the more you seem jaded
As you search for the quotes to make it seem complicated
So in order for love to be true
Even my nightmares
Become my only rules

I want a warning
I want a warning
I want something more than a warning



Friday, 5 August 2022

Celebrity Jukebox #18: Hayley Mills


Many child stars grow up to obscurity, but Hayley Mills somehow survived her Disney rites of passage to become a respected actress, if never quite a superstar. Apparently she lost 90% of her Disney money to the taxman, so she probably had to keep reinventing herself just to survive. Those 80s Parent Trap sequels probably helped the bank balance, and let's not forget The Flame Trees Of Thika.

A singing career goes hand in hand with Disney stardom, even back in the 60s. Hayley recorded quite a few tunes, though only one of them ever troubled the UK charts...


What of her wider impact on pop then?

(Well, I already mentioned her son last week.)

Calling your band The 1990s might seem like a really clever idea in 2007, but it makes you impossible to google search, and I had no hope of finding a link to the only song I know that's named after Hayley Mills (I'm pretty sure it was a b-side too). I don't know how this ended up in my hard-drive, but I uploaded it in case you're at all interested... 


On safer ground, I'm pleased to report that Hayley pops up on the latest Half Man Half Biscuit album. I'm surprised it took me this long to link to the lyrical genius of Nigel Blackwell on this series, but it's safe to say it won't be the last time he makes an appearance here...

Well, now who’d have thought we’d both end up in here?
So close, yet so nowhere near
Hayley Mills, Daniel Boone
Me Tarzan, you June
Even now as both our ends are nigh
I’d surely kill to have a second try


Meanwhile, here's the nicest pop star I ever met in real life (I'm contractually obliged to mention that every time I post a song by him), from his most recent offering, 2017's Woodland Echoes.

She became Hayley Mills
I became Alan Bates
Born to be Ealing greats
Make mistakes


However. Today's winner was clear from the outset. One of Saint Paddy's finest tunes...

Ooh, Johnny Johnny Johnny, 
Why don't you join the foreign legion?
Ooh, Johnny Johnny Johnny 
You're still in love with Hayley Mills

Life's not complete till your heart's missed a beat. And this song always has that effect on me...



Sunday, 21 June 2020

Saturday Snapshots #141: The Answers


Was there one overall winner of yesterday's Saturday Snapshots, or is it the case that a few of you Drew?

It's getting harder and harder to pun myself into these answers...



10. Have I Got Newsman gets his coat... but could do with a car.


Paul Merton in a Parka. (Apologies to non-British viewers who won't have got that reference.)

The Merton Parkas - You Need Wheels

9. Corderoy for smaller sibling.


Corderoy (sic) is an anagram.

Ry Cooder - Little Sister

8. You've gotta see her use a Scottish door opener to get a good look at the afterlife.


Maria, you've got to see her, sang Blondie.

A Scottish door opener would be a Mc-Key.

Maria McKee - Show Me Heaven

For years I thought she sang "And make me breakfast" rather than "And leave me breathless".

Like Ron Swanson, I'd always rather have a good breakfast.

7. Multiple RIPs for Croce & King.


Jim Croce & Carole King...

The Jim Carroll Band - People Who Died

6. Lancashire goat audibly exhales over Ora prior to resurrection.


A Lancashire goat would be Billy from Preston.

Sigh, Rita.

Billy Preston & Syreeta - With You I'm Born Again

Forgotten how good that was.

5. Hairdresser of the century stays for the duration of Saturday Snapshots.


Former member of Haircut 100, Nick Heyward. Have I mentioned how I've met him? Have I? And what a nice man he was? Really?

Nick Heyward - Over The Weekend

Should've been a Number One. How could it fail with that video?

Oh, I would also have accepted...

Nick Heyward - On Sunday

4. Citizen Bronte splashes raw graffiti all over.


Citizen Kane meets Emily Bronte with the French "raw art" movement that finds beauty in graffiti.

Art Brut - Emily Kane 

3. This isn't the end, doofus... it's the bottom squeeze man!


The Squeeze man would be Chris Difford.

The bottom would be your rear.

Chris Rea - Fool (If You Think It's Over)

2. Frog joy, then... where it all kicks off.


"Frog joy, then" was an anagram.

It all kicks off in the centre of a playing field.

John Fogerty - Centrefield

1. Informal invitation to paradise.


Paradise is nirvana.

The informal invitation?



(Barry)more Saturday Snapshots next week...



Friday, 27 July 2018

My Top Ten High Street Retailer Songs Vol. 1


A visit to the cinema on one of the nearby retail parks earlier this week confirmed that Toys-Я-Us has finally gone the way of the dinosaurs. I felt a bit sad about this, not through any loyalty to a huge American company which was too lazy to spell its name properly (or get its letters the right way round), but because I often popped in there if I had ten minutes to spare before a movie, to see if they had any toys Sam might be interested in that weren't extortionately priced. This got me thinking about all the big high street names we've lost over the last few years, and once again I felt a twinge of nostalgic sadness for the stores of olde that we'll never see again. Many of them have been immortalised in popular song though. Here are ten great examples (of songs, not stores)...



10. They Might Be Giants - Toddler Hiway 

A second appearance this week for TMBGs, with one of their earliest tracks, taken directly from their 1985 demo tape for inclusion on their self-titled debut album. Just 26 seconds of goodness...

In the mornin' sun 'round seven o'clock
The parking lot fills around Toys-Я-Us
And my little girl, she will get away
Ride her bike down Toddler Hiway
Take your Close'n'Play
Toddler Hiway


9. Manic Street Preachers - Sculpture Of Man

The shop most famous for selling that poster of a tennis player scratching her bum causes the Manics to go on an anti-consumerist rant...

Wills and Harry dressed in drag
Standing over the sodomised body of their mother
Would make a beautiful poster in Athena


8. Andy Bell - Electric Blue

Sadly, the Army & Navy Store was Erasured from existence some time ago, and you probably don't want to dig too deeply into why Andy Bell was a frequent customer...

Eyes wide electric baby
All dyed in cobalt blue
Stole from the Army Navy store
Army Navy store

My dominatrix baby
Dolled up in rubber tube
Hey have you done me lately?


7. The Monochrome Set - Two Fists

Sold all their shops to WH Smiths 20 years ago. Three years earlier, The Monochrome Set wrote this...

I know you're as hot as hell and the summer is high
You've got a mind to make love but that means
Someone must die

And I can see what's coming like a rusty nail
It fits right into your world view like a wind in a sail

But that's what love is about or what else am I here for?
I guess I'll wait in John Menzies then I'll go back for more


6. Scritti Politti - Mrs. Hughes

I used to hate going in BHS when I was a kid. "It's too hot," I used to tell my mum. I'm not sure if it was too hot, because I never went in there as an adult. Then one day, it wasn't there anymore. Only Green remembers it now...

Tell me again and I'll touch Mrs. Hughes
You've got her confidence you get to choose
I can hardly refuse

Down the town center where somebody died
By British Home Stores just sitting outside
Looking self satisfied
But the point was beside


5. X-Ray Spex - Warrior In Woolworths

Poly Styrene pays tribute to the home of Pick n Mix. I had less problem with being dragged into Woolies as a kid. Bought some of my first records there too.

Warrior in Woolworths
Humble he may seem
Behind his servile innocence
He plots and he schemes

See also The Jam - Saturdays Kids...

Saturday's girls work in Tescos and Woolworths


4. Nick Heyward - These Words

Nicest pop star I ever met. Have I said that before?

Homebase, on the other hand: just too bloody expensive to survive.

I love Elvis
She loves Woodstock
I love Homebase
She loves sunblock
How many times can you make a stand
To fall from the highest of all you've said and done?


3. T-Rex - Misfit 

Long before McDonalds, there was Wimpy. Marc Bolan was buying his burgers there way back in 1966!

Wimpy bar misfit
I don't wanna be
Like Billy the kid
Left hangin' from no tree.

See also Jethro Tull - Up To Me...

Take you to the cinema
And leave you in a Wimpy Bar 
You tell me that we've gone too far 
Come running up to me


2. The Specials - Man At C&A

Even nuclear war does not phase the man at C&A.

I'm the man in grey, 
I'm just the man at C&A
And I don't have a say 
In the war games that they play

See also Half Man Half Biscuit - Venus In Flares...


The man behind the mask at C&A’s was quite polite
He said that when I wore my mac I wouldn't have to fight


1. The Freshies - I'm In Love With The Girl On The Manchester Virgin Megastore Check-out Desk

What Frank Sidebottom did before he became Frank Sidebottom... hung around the Virgin Megastore all Saturday...

It has to be said that if you were a young lady when I was growing up, then 10 points were immediately added to your sex appeal if you worked in a record shop. Whether you would actually want to appeal to the sort of losers who spent all their Saturday afternoons flicking through the racks... well, that's another matter entirely.

Nobody is allowed to mourn the Virgin Megastore for one simple reason: Richard Branson is a dick.



Any old stores in your record collection? Or have the all closed down?

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

My Top Ten Laura Songs





Time for another name-based Top Ten, dedicated to Laura Marling, Laura Viers, Laura Cantrell, Laura Mvula, Laura Nyro and any other famous musical Lauras I've forgotten. 

It's weird - I've been doing Top Tens on this particular blog for going on 4 years now, and yet only four of the artists I feature this week have appeared here before. My record collection is getting out of hand.


10. You Say Party! We Say Die! - Laura Palmer's Prom

With Twin Peaks soon to return to our screens (hopefully with David Lynch still on board), it seems an appropriate time to listen to this noise again... but it's not the only song on this list that owes its inspiration to Sheryl Lee's infamous dead prom queen. Remember: the owls are not what they seem.

9. Girls - Laura

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you want your band to be easily found on google, don't call yourself Girls.

8. Nick Heyward - Laura 

If your kids ever asked you what the 80s looked like, show them this video.

Have I ever told you how I met Nick Heyward once? Thoroughly decent chap. Etc. Etc.

7. Seth MacFarlane - Laura

Surely the most recorded song with Laura in its title, this was originally written for the 1945 movie of the same name starring Gene Tierney. So if I've got versions by Frank, Ella and Charlie Parker to choose from, it seems rather perverse to choose a recent recording by the Family Guy guy and Father of Ted. What can I say? Call me weird.

6. Billy Joel - Laura

Billy does his best angry John Lennon impression, right down to the sweary stuff. As to who this particular Laura was that got him so upset... let's ask Billy himself.

5. Bastille - Laura Palmer

I've reached the age where I look upon many of the popular acts of the day (Bastille, Hozier, George Ezra) with curiosity. Not because I don't appreciate their work; they've each produced some excellent records. However, much as I may admire their music, there's a sense where I know they're not written for me, that I'll never fall in love with them in quite the same way I did the pop acts of my teens and twenties. And maybe I shouldn't. Maybe that's contrary to the laws of pop.

Anyway, Laura Palmer. Good song... although I have to wonder how old Dan Smith was when Laura first got wrapped in plastic on our TV screens. Was he even born?

Yeah, that's the real problem with contemporary pop music. It makes me feel old even when I enjoy it.

4. Gregory Porter - Hey Laura

It's always good to see artists become successful later in life rather than in their teens or 20s when it's as easy as taking your clothes off or punching the drummer. Gregory Porter is just a few months older than me, yet he's only been releasing music since 2010. His third album, Liquid Spirit, has received all kinds of accolades, and Hey Laura is one of its standout tracks. Those in the know describe Porter's music as jazz, but to me it sounds like classic soul: you know, the sort they don't make anymore...

3. Ray Peterson - Tell Laura I Love Her

Classic teenage tragedy track from 1960, when dead teenagers sold more records than just about any other subject; this was re-recorded in the UK by Welsh singer Ricky Valance who took it all the way to Number One. Although Valance has the more rock 'n' roll name, Peterson's version just wins out for me.

Something else I've said here before: it's high time someone revived the teenage tragedy genre. The pop charts are crying out for it.

2. Bat For Lashes - Laura

Natasha Khan's finest hour. And hours of internet research went into trying to find out who it was about. Various websites suggest another Laura Palmer tribute, but BFL herself says it's just some anonymous mate, although that we're all, like, entitled to interpret it however we want. So if you know a Laura, it's about her... and she's more than a superstar.

1. The Scissor Sisters - Laura

Whenever I think about the genesis of the Scissor Sisters, I always wonder if some A&R bloke was on his way home from a B52s gig thinking "they were good...but not quite camp enough". Then he got some mad scientist to cobble together these guys, a band whose original name was "Dead Lesbian" (if Iffypedia is to be believed).

Laura was their first hit (in the UK at least: they never enjoyed much chart success in their native US) and it remains my scuzzy favourite.





Those were my favourite Lauras... but which one would you take to the prom?


Sunday, 24 March 2013

My Top Ten Favourite Songs


Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...

These are a few of my favourite songs.

Don't get carried away... they're only songs with 'favourite' (or favorite if you're American) in the title...


10. Sheryl Crow - My Favourite Mistake

More appreciation should be give to Ms. Crow. Great voice, good songs. Gets a bit to close to the camera in the video.

9. Owen Paul - My Favourite Waste Of Time

80s one hit wonder (he was set to be the next big thing but it never happened). Watch the link above for his timeless "live" performance from BBC Pebble Mill.

8. Liz Phair - Favourite

Liz Phair gets up to no good in her favourite underwear.

Lads: Liz is the sort of girl your mother warned you about.

7. Haircut 100 - Favourite Shirts

Did I mention I met Nick Heyward once? Did I mention he was a thoroughly decent bloke? Did I?

Great 80s brass section on this.

6. Shrag - New Favourites

Sadly, Shrag called it a day late last month, citing poverty and "old age" among their reasons. They leave an impressive legacy for those of us who cared.

5. The Lemonheads - Favourite T
It never looked as good on you as it looks on me.
Sadly, only a ropey live version is available on youtube, but it's recorded at the same venue where I saw Evan and co. a few years earlier so extra points for that. 

4. Harry Nilsson - Mr. Richland's Favourite Song

Harry posits a future where the Beatles are forgotten lounge bar performers...
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to speak of other things"
Like a fallen star who works in a bar where Yesterday is king
The fans will stay for an hour or so, they still remember his fame
But the time has come the Walrus said, to call your fans by name
Is it better to burn out than fade away? Ironically, Harry Nilsson managed to do both.

3. Arab Strap - My Favourite Muse

It's hard to believe that a song which begins, "I pulled the ex last, and it felt weird to feel her up again" can actually get any better... yet this does, in that grubby, confessional, TMI way the Arab Strap boys specialise in.
And she brought the drinks all night, 
But that's okay, now she's got a job.
Her generosity - my curse. 

She even let me keep her purse.
2. The Wedding Present - My Favourite Dress

In which David Gedge goes all Julie Andrews on us...
Uneaten meals
A lonely star
A welcome ride in a neighbour's car
A long walk home
The pouring rain
I fell asleep when you never came
Some rare delight in Manchester town
It took six hours before you let me down
To see it all in a drunken kiss
A stranger's hand on my favourite dress
1. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game

A hugely infectious riff and some very dangerous driving from Nina Persson - one of their very best.



Oh, very well. Go on, then. Sigh.

Which is your favourite?

Monday, 3 December 2012

My Top Ten Knitwear Songs


Because the nights are drawing in and everywhere you go, the doom-mongers are saying "it's gonna snow next week"... so we all need some quality knitwear to keep us warm.

Special mention, of course, to The Cardigans, who sadly don't appear to have ever written a song extolling the virtues of their woolly (or polyester) namesakes.


10. Malcolm Middleton - Red Travellin' Socks

Malcolm grows to hate his red socks because they take him away from the one he loves. Knitwear with a mind of its own - scary. (Or maybe his excuses are getting more desperate.)

9. Nick Heyward - Blue Hat For A Blue Day

I met Nick Heyward once. He was a thoroughly decent bloke. (I may have mentioned this before. I may mention it again.)

8. Prince - Pink Cashmere

Not on youtube, obviously. Good old Prince.

7. The Smiths - Hand In Glove

Because the glove in question must have been a nice warm one... considering the sun was shining out of Morrissey's behind as he wore it. See also Pink Glove by Pulp, in which Jarvis manages to make an innocent item of knitwear... frankly, filthy.

6. Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Don't Sleep In My Cardi

Some couples will argue about everything.

It's too short in the arm
Too tight in the chest
Why can't you just sleep in your vest?
5. Babybird - You're Gorgeous

Remember that tank top you bought me? What did you write on it?

4. Sam The Sham & The Pharoahs - Woolly Bully

Genius.

3. Weezer - Undone (The Sweater Song)

A relationship dissolves via the metaphor of unraveling knitwear. So much more imaginative than another bloody song about breaking hearts.

2. The Scaremongers - Cardigan Girl

AKA Simon Armitage, the Poet Laureate of Marsden (i.e. just over the hill from me). Isn't it about time we had a second Scaremongers album, Simon?

1. Sultans of Ping FC - Where's Me Jumper?

It's all right to say things can only get better
If you haven't lost your brand new sweater
Pure new wool and perfect stitches
Not the type of jumper that makes you itches, oh no
I also found a Third Eye Blind song called Jumper... but it turns out to be about someone throwing themselves off a tall building. Hardly in the spirit of things.




Those were my favourite knitwear songs... but which one makes you drop a stitch?






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