Teacher Songs #6: Quixote

Our Head of English, back in High School, didn't know how to pronounce Don Quixote.

At the time, it was occasionally remarked that Mr. Slade looked like a member of ZZ Top. In retrospect, that makes him sound far too cool. He actually looked more like a member of the Doobie Brothers (but not Michael McDonald). No, even that's wrong. He looked like a member of a 70s folk band, and not a famous 70s folk band like Fairport Convention or Steeleye Span. He looked like he should have been in the Driffield Cobblers. Tinderbox Bartholomew. Or the Bolton Leech Collectors.

   

He had a beard, OK? And not a cool beard. One that could well be scratched, in thinking pose, chinny reck-on style. He also had a droning voice. 

We never studied Don Quixote by Cervantes, but we were all familiar with how to pronounce the name thanks to Nik Kershaw...

 

Rather a pretentious video that, it takes almost two minutes to get to the point and start the actual song. I can't help but feel Mr. Slade would approve: getting to the point was not something he overly concerned himself with. He would often go off on tangents, tilting at windmills, to stretch that particular idiom to breaking point... and one day in an A Level English lesson, he got onto the subject of Cervantes and his greatest creation... Don Kwix-oat.

Much tittering ensued from the Nik Kershaw fans in the class. Perhaps Mr. Slade was thinking of the pronunciation more commonly associated with the word "quixotic". Nobody dared ask him. 

Funny how these things stay with you...

Snapshots #312: A Top Ten Songs Named After Classic Novels

If you've Rushdie'd here this morning for the answers to yesterdays quiz, I hope it wasn't because you felt like a Salman swimming upstream, trying to work out the connection.

Here are ten songs named after famous novels, straight from your favourite English teacher. You might even call them "iconic", except you'd probably upset C. 

Prepare yourself for some Satantic Verses... and Heavenly choruses, of course.

10. Shot in Sarajevo. 

Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot in Sarajevo, sparking World War I.

Franz Ferdinand - Ulysses

9. You're on your own in court.

You're about to face some Lone Justice!

Lone Justice - The Grapes Of Wrath

8. Clocking off time.

It used to be 5.30. These days, people seem to finish work at all kinds of different times.

5.30! - Catcher In The Rye

7. What time is it, Mr. McGoohan?

What time is it, Mr. Wolf? Patrick time!

Patrick Wolf - To The Lighthouse

6. Found confused in a nerd alley.

"A nerd alley" was an anagram...

Lana Del Rey - Lolita

5. A wee insect.

A midge is a wee insect. 

Midge Ure - Call Of The Wild

4. This is a fiery Topic.

A Topic is a chocolate bar. Fiery is hot.

Hot Chocolate - Emma

3. Stars of the small screen.

Television Personalities - A Picture Of Dorian Gray

2. Ask Rik when he's got himself back together.

"Ask Rik when", put back together in a different order, gives us...

Nik Kershaw - Don Quixote

We had an English teacher who insisted on pronouncing Quixote "kwik-oat". Obviously not a Nik Kershaw fan.

1. Hedge and Thicket.

Bush!

Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights

Let me in your window again next Saturday for more of the same...

Celebrity Jukebox #96: Jerry Springer

I should have featured the former Mayor of Cincinnati on the Celebrity Jukebox following his untimely demise back in April... but it seemed like too big a task. The name Jerry Springer has become synonymous with a certain kind of lowest common denominator trash TV, so it's an easy shorthand for songwriters to drop in if they want to diss the worst elements of society, the ones happy to air their soiled undergarments and then have a big ruck in front of millions, thereby fulfilling Andy Warhol's 15 minutes prophecy. But I think there was more to Jerry than all that - he started out as an adviser to Robert F. Kennedy, before becoming a lawyer and then a major public figure... he even considered running for President. And let's face it, he couldn't have done a worse job than the Orange Manchild. As for his notorious TV show, Jerry clearly had a sense of humour about the whole thing (unlike his loathsome UK counterpart, Jeremy Kyle), happy to join in when others were poking fun at it (and him), most notably in Richard Thomas & Stewart Lee's hilarious Jerry Springer: The Opera.

Here are some tunes which do the same thing...

Weird Al Yankovic - Jerry Springer

Let's face it, if you've reached the point where Weird Al does a song about you, immortality is guaranteed. Likewise another great Jerry...

Jerry Reed - The Jerry Springer Show

Even Polish rappers love him!

Guzior - Jerry Springer

Speaking of rappers, here's a guy who could easily have been a recurring guest on Jerry's show...

I strangle you to death then I choke you again
And break your fucking legs till your bones poke through your skin
You beef with me, I'mma even the score equally
Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally

Eminem - Role Model

"Partner is the "mature" effort of two best friends named Josée Caron and Lucy Niles. Together, with Rock as their trusty guide, they explore a variety of themes in an attempt to understand the meaning of life." Which must be one of the worst artist biogs I've ever read. Shame really, because they make a spendid racket, and tell cool stories too...

When I was a kid
I used to fake sick
Luckily, my mom and dad were
Pretty easy to trick

I was biding my time
Until the house was all mine
To do the one thing I really wanted to

Which was watching daytime TV
While there's no one home to watch me
I'm hanging out with Maury
He's doing a paternity test
Are you the father? Well, it's anybody's guess
And give me Jerry Springer
Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, and a TV dinner
I guess the best things in life come free
Like watching daytime TV

Partner - Daytime TV

Bret Michaels was the lead singer of Poison. Despite that, this made me chuckle...

One day Jack came over to apologize
He told me, my ex which is his new girlfriend was out every night
Jack said I think she's been cheating with my new friend Jim
Say you love her too bad cause now she loves him
Pulled a Jerry Springer on me now your outta luck
My new girlfriend thinks you all suck

Bret Michaels - Bittersweet

And here's someone who always makes me chuckle...

When you find out things about yourself
That you hadn't ought to know
When your grandma calls and books you
On the Jerry Springer show
And you find out you and your wife of ten years
Just might be related
Brother, life's not over it's just
Simply complicated

Jimmy Buffet - Simply Complicated

Did you know that Nik Kershaw is still in the go? Oh yes he is...

And very soon, before you know
You'll be "Jilted Romeo"
On some day time T.V. show
Like Jerry Springer's

Nik Kershaw - All Is Fair

There were many, many, many more lyrical mentions of Jerry Springer... but I'm trying to be a little more selective and only link to the ones I like, or I figure one of you guys might dig. Like this little beauty...

Eliza Carthy - Blood On My Boots

Today's winning tune comes from a band I was very into around the turn of the Millennium. Hard to believe it's nearly 25 years since this was released. It's a song in which the lead singer professes his love for the actress Claire Danes, named after the TV show that made her famous (though it also mentions her star-making turn opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet).

I went on Jerry Springer
To confess my love to you
You said I didn't have a chance
And there was nothing I could do
You told me I was crazy
And wished that I was dead.
You threw a chair right upside my head

Celebrity Jukebox #11: Jimmy Cagney

"Made it, Ma - Top of the World!" 

I'm pretty sure that when the Original Gangster shouted those words, he was celebrating having Nik Kershaw name a song after him...

Talk tougher than James Cagney

Act smarter than Charlie Chan

Love longer than Valentino

Or you never will be a man

...one which has the same tune as The Riddle, only slowed down.

Can Jimmy Cagney do better than Nik Kershaw?

Can he do worse?

How about Styx?

Styx - Lonely People

The movie house stood in silence as I said my last good-byes

Her silver screen was stained with memories

As Cagney shot them down

As I watched I was that hero

In dreamlands lost and found

No, we can do much better than that, Mr. Cagney. Let's start with Kate...

Kate Bush - There Goes A Tenner

Both my partners

Act like actors

You are Bogart

He is George Raft

That leaves Cagney and me

(What about Edward G.?)

What about Edward G, indeed? Bogie gets name-dropped all over the place, but I'm struggling to find another mention of Edward G. Robinson in a pop song. Unless you know different... 

Tom Waits, meanwhile, mentions Jimmy not once, but twice...

Tom Waits - Invitation To The Blues

And you feel just like Cagney, she looks like Rita Hayworth

At the counter of the Schwab's drugstore

You wonder if she might be single, she's a loner and likes to mingle

Got to be patient, try and pick up a clue

Tom Waits - Romeo Is Bleeding 

But Romeo is bleeding as he gives the man his ticket

And he climbs to the balcony at the movies

And he'll die without a whimper

Like every hero's dream

Just an angel with a bullet

And Cagney in the screen

Now how about a little Green On Red?

Green On Red - This Time Around

She says I look like a Jimmy Cagney

She makes me feel like cherry wine

I'm gonna take down to the valley

This time around I'm gonna make her mine

Maybe though, if you really want to pay tribute to James Cagney, you need to go to some real gangsters...

Public Enemy - Letter To The New York Post

Cagney is a favorite, he's my boy

He don't jive around, he's a real McCoy

Although Gil Scott-Heron isn't quite so sure, using Cagney as one of many "tough guy" metaphors to criticise Ronald Reagan's election win... 

Gil Scott-Heron - B-Movie 

But since John Wayne was no longer available, 

They settled for Ronald Reagan and it has placed us in a situation 

That we can only look at like a "B" movie

Bogart tough the man is

Cagney tough the man is

Hollywood tough the man is

Cheap steak tough

And Bonzo's substantial

The ultimate in synthetic selling: 

A Madison Avenue masterpiece 

A miracle - a cotton-candy politician... Presto!

Macho!

It doesn't get much better than that. But I'm going to leave you today with someone else who gets name-checked by Gil in the poetry above...

His Bobness.

They let him out in '71 he'd lost a little weight

But he dressed like Jimmy Cagney and I swear he did look great

He tried to find the way back into the life he left behind

To the boss he said, I have returned and now I want what's mine

Saturday Snapshots #153 - The Answers

RIP, Dame Diana.

Here are this week's answers...



10. Song about writing about songs, written by a songwriter who sounds like a songwriter who writes the songs... with a bit missing.

Let's start from the back.

Barry Manilow sang I Write The Songs. (Although, rather ironically, he didn't write it. It was written by Beach Boy Bruce Johnson.)

Take a bit off and you're left with Barry Mann, one half of the Mann/Weil songwriting duo (with his wife, Cynthia Weil). Before that though, he sang some of his own songs... including this one, which is all about writing songs.

Barry Mann - Who Put The Bomp?

9. Stealing Liz or Andy is a puzzle.

Stealing is nicking (where I come from, anyway).

Liz and Andy were both Kershaws.

Nik Kershaw - The Riddle

8. Santana Samba gets an A in winter sports... fortunate lass!

Bruce will be disappointed you didn't get this one, Charity Chic.

Top work from Mrs. Brian though.

Santana recorded Samba Pa Ti.

An A in winter sports would be a Ski... Alpha.

Patti Scialfa - Lucky Girl

7. Prestige, dropped by Joan.

Joan Armatrading dropped the pilot.

A prestige is the grand finale of a magic trick.

Pilot - Magic

6. World Eater at the tiller, like The Godfather said.

Jimmy Eat World.

The tiller is the Helm.

The Godfather made you an offer you can't refuse.

Jimmy Helms - Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse

5. A horse or a gun for Dear Madonna... is that what you meant?

A colt is a horse or a gun.

Madonna sang Dear Jessie.

Jessi Colter - You Mean To Say

4. Sons of ageing MacDonald go bucolic.

Old MacDonald had a farm.

Bucolic means "relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life."

The Farmers Boys - In The Country

Great dancing in that video.

3. Shorter cave dwellers and crazy item.

Cave dwellers are troglodytes.

The Troggs - Wild Thing

2. Dog saint and manservant get together.

A Saint Bernard & a Butler.

Bernard Butler - Not Alone

That's a top song. Not heard it in years.

1. Mr. Jawbones... isn't it a bit early for that, first thing on a Saturday morning?

"Mr. Jawbones" was an anagram.

I think we're all getting too old for the rest on a Saturday morning.

(Sunday, on the other hand... I mean, don't let me interrupt you.)



We'll take it to the bridge again next Saturday...

My Top Ten Humphrey Bogart Songs

Another new feature. I pick a famous actor or actress, then find ten songs which link to them one way or another... and try to explain the link in as few words as possible.

We're starting with Humphrey Bogart because he is a legend. Not the greatest actor ever, but certainly one of the greatest movie stars. This guy had charisma, attitude, presence by the bucketload. He was a tough guy, sure, but he knew how to take a beating too. And while the kids of today probably wouldn't even know his name, the songwriters of yesterday couldn't stop writing about him. I could probably have made this a Top 20, just from songs that mention him by name (I won't be as direct with every star I choose), and I didn't even have to go to Nik Kershaw.


10. Peter Hammill - No More (The Submariner)

Get ready to have you brain fed through a Van der Graaf Generator. Prog off!

Oh! To be King John or Douglas Bader,
Humphrey Bogart or Victor Mature!
Which one is false and easy?
Which one harder?

9. Hall & Oates - Heavy Rain

Anyone who doesn't dig Hall & Oates, well... when you're slapped, you'll take it and like it.

We've seen a million faces
All staring at you and me
But just like Humphrey Bogart said
Before he passed out on his bed
Here's looking at you kid
And the rocky road ahead

8. Melissa Etheridge - Watching You

Probably one I should haved saved for volume 2 of My Top Ten Stalker Songs...

Sure I'm alright
No I'm not very cold
Every now and then I can feel the subway heat
So go on inside
I'll leave you alone
Anyway Bogart's on in the window down the street
And I gotta do something

7. Roxy Music - 2HB

2HB? To Humphrey Bogart. Thanks, Bryan.

Here's looking at you kid
Hard to forget
Here's looking at you kid
At least not yet
Your memory stays
It lingers ever
Will fade away never

6. The Good Rats - Tough Guys

Lots of famous tough guys from the golden age of Hollywood pop up in this Good Rats song, but Bogie takes centre stage...

Bogie, I've always dug your crowd
The fat man and Peter
And Claude and the rest

Play it again, Sam
These falcons have gone
To their nest
Oh, yes

5. The Beautiful South - I May Be Ugly

I pulled this one out for My Top Ten John Hurt Songs, but it's too good to ignore here...

He dreamt of those old-fashioned movies
Where Bogart gets the dame
But a lorry load of Lorre
Is still the score of pain

"A lorry load of Lorre"... that's some top alliterative punning right there.

4. Suzanne Vega - Freeze Tag

Two kids mucking around in a playground as winter draws in...

You stand
With your hand
In your pocket
And lean against the wall
You will be Bogart
And I will be
Bacall

3. The Donnas - Pass It Around

But there's always someone who's gotta spoil it for the rest of the gang
You're such a little Bogart and I'm sorry but you just can't hang

Why don't you pass it around
Don't bring the party down
If you don't pass it around
We'll run you right outta this town

I had to Urban Dictionary this one...

"To keep something all for oneself, thus depriving anyone else of having any. A slang term derived from the last name of famous actor Humphrey Bogart because he often kept a cigarette in the corner of his mouth, seemingly never actually drawing on it or smoking it."

See also Little Feat - Don't Bogart That Joint.

2. Al Stewart - Year of the Cat

On a morning from a Bogart movie
In a country where they turn back time
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre
Contemplating a crime
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running
Like a watercolor in the rain
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just tell you that she came
In the year of the cat

Definitely Al's finest moment. (I wonder if I could have managed a Peter Lorre Top Ten?)

1. Bertie Higgins - Key Largo / Casablanca

Two for the price of one. Another couple I owe to Wogan, I suspect. No idea how else I'd remember these songs. The interweb informs me that "Bertie Higgins is one of China's most requested American entertainers". Good for him.

We had it all
Just like Bogie and Bacall
Starring in our old late, late show
Sailing away to Key Largo...

If you think I've missed any obvious ones out... they might crop up in volume two of this series... so you might be able to guess who's coming next.

Feel free to leave a comment, but remember: people lose teeth talking like that. If you want to hang around, you'll be polite.