Namesakes #127: The Swans

George is back on the beat - and he's been wrestling with swans. Careful, George - they can break a grown man's arm... as Nigel Blackwell likes to remind us.

Half Man Half Biscuit - Lock Up Your Mountain Bikes

Anyway, over to Our Man In Portugal...

There’s a plethora of bands named after birds, not all of them as atrocious as The Eagles. And unfortunately there is no band calling themselves The Atrocious Eagles. Searching through the database of my music collection reveals that swans feature many times: in a must-have Sufjan Stevens album, a soul singer, gospel groups, there’s an Americana band, a chappie who never was a security guard at Graceland,  and a sonorous-industrial bunch of Americans. But the rules only allow groups called The Swans (although of late Rol seems to be stretching the rules to breaking point with some of his dodgy choices*).  So today, I give you a whiteness of Swans.

(*What are rules if not to be broken, George?)

THE SWANS #1

First, here are Philadelphian sisters Jeanne and Tina Thomas...

The Swans - He's Mine

THE SWANS #2

The next bevy of swans is a doo-wop quartet, from 1953...

The Swans - My True Love

THE SWANS #3

Here’s the Mandatory Band-With-The-Same-Name Reggae track (this from 1972). It made me think of the Victor comic character, Killer Kennedy RN (and then of a boy in my year at school, Steven Kennedy, who of course had the nickname Killer).

The Swans - Killer Passing Through

THE SWANS #4

Our next wedge of swans are two nice young men, Brendan Wade and Paul Bell, once known as The Wild Swans, but released this soporific ballad as The Swans...

The Swans - Here To Stay

Not to be confused with The Wild Swans formed out of the Teardrop Explodes.

THE SWANS #5

More vocalising female Swans, from 1961, and a track that’s a damned sight better than the immediately prior load of old bobbins.

The Swans - Why Must I Cry?

THE SWANS #6

Next up, a light-hearted pop tune, available free at bandcamp.

(I'm pulling a “Rol” here, 'cisne' being Portuguese for swan, although the song title is in Spanish, and unsurprisingly cisne is also the Spanish word for swan.)

Cisne - El Sondito Sanasana

THE SWANS #7

And now a doo-wop/R&B crossover bank of swans honking away in this song...

The Swans - Mister Cool Breeze

THE SWANS #8

Some Argentinian “cisnes” now, and this almost-prog track from a free EP...

Cisne - Sideral

THE SWANS #9

And one final vocal collection of honkers...

The Swans - Night Train

Not to be confused with a song by James Brown. I’ve just realised that it’s geese that honk, I think swans are more hissers. Some research needed, and here you are...

Noisy Swan

I did find another video of a swan, here and here (that last one has some hissing). 

SWANS #10

The last group are the industrial-doom-noise-merchants from New York who released a remarkably accessible album in 1989, The Burning World, and a fantastic cover version of Love Will Tear Us Apart (better than the original), and then reverted to type with their usual output that is Not For The Faint-hearted. This is from that 1989 album...

Swans - (She's A) Universal Emptiness

Saving the best ´til last. But what is your favourite, dear reader?

Before you make up your minds, here's one more (George-has-used-up-all-the-decent-collective-nouns) of swans, described as a "function band" from Hertfordshire. I doubt they're on discogs, but they obviously have good internet presence, because I kept finding pictures of them while looking for pictures of the bands George dealt with...

THE SWANS #11

The Swans - "Function Band"

Thanks to Rol for posting this.

And thank you again to George for filling in while I'm waiting for my broken arm to heal. Damn those swans!

Thank The F-Word It's Friday #4

Last Friday was our Work's Christmas Do. We went to play shuffleboard, a game I enjoy, and eat pizza, so all was good.

On our way into the venue, an attractive young woman stopped me on the stairs, tapping me on the shoulder and saying, "I'm loving your outfit."

Many gentleman of my age might have been flattered by such an approach, might have been left glowing with braggadocio, "I've still got it!". Certain less scrupulous types might have seen it as an invitation to pursue... who knows what, but it wouldn't have ended well.

Me, I just gave her a sideways look and said, "Whatever!", convinced that she could only be taking the piss. "She might have been coming on to you," Ben remarked later. "That'd be the first time in my life," I replied. You can't have still got it if you never had it in the first place.

(For those of you who are wondering: I was wearing a woolly jumper with a half-zip neck and jeans. It was hardly Zoolander material.)

My general reaction to any comment other people might take as a compliment is to consider it sarcasm. Which therefore leads me to adopt the position of Swans...

I'd like to think this is me taking a leaf out of Little Jackie's book...

...but in all honesty, it really just gives out the message of Lightspeed Champion.

No wonder I don't have any friends.

Self-Help For Cynics #36: Bob

Alice Cooper - Nobody Likes Me

There’s this guy I work with who is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a dick. We’ll call him Bob. Because his name is Robert Brown and his address is 32 Acacia Gardens, LS3 6JN. OK, I made that up for the purpose of the joke. He’s not really called Bob. That is his actual address though, if you want to go push rotting vegetables through his letterbox.

Prince - Bob George

The interesting thing about Bob is that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s a dick. Everyone in our office feels the same. (Fortunately, he doesn’t work in our office, he’s in the one down the corridor. Yet I seriously suspect that many of the people who work in that office also think he’s a dick.)

I Don't Know How But They've Found Me - Nobody Likes The Opening Band

However, Bob is not, on the surface, an unpleasant person. He’ll always say hello with a smile and ask how you’re doing. And he’ll tip his head slightly to one side as you answer, to show that he’s listening. But surface is all it is. You can just tell. Underneath he’s shallow and self-important, probably lazy, vain and dishonest: a textbook narcissist.

Go-Kart Mozart - We're Selfish & Lazy & Greedy

Given that the people I work with all have different likes and dislikes, different interests, cares and concerns (although they’re all pretty decent folk – no Tories, for example), how come we’ve all arrived, pretty independently, at the same conclusion when it comes to Bob? We don’t share the same unified opinion about everyone else in the world – certain of my colleagues might even have a good word to say about Tom Hanks, Noel Gallagher or Scrappy Doo, for example, and I won’t hold it against them. So why do we all think Bob is a dick?

The Wedding Present - Everyone Thinks He Looks Daft

Scientists and psychologists have a number of answers for the Everyone Thinks He’s A Dick phenomenon. The first of those is plain, old-fashioned narcissism. You’re probably aware that the word comes from Narcissus, a character from Ovid's Metamorphoses who is cursed by the gods to fall in love with his own reflection. When he realises his reflection won’t ever love him back, he dies of a broken heart. In the early 20^th century, various psychoanalysts began to use the term narcissism to refer to people who are condescending, feel superior to others, are preoccupied with admiration, and exhibit a lack of empathy. Just like Bob.

Trixie's Big Red Motorbike - Norman And Narcissus

On a side note, I was interested to read that German psychoanalyst Karen Horney believed narcissism existed on a sliding scale “that ranged from healthy self-esteem to a pathological state”. Which suggests that the only way you can claim not to be a narcissist is if you believe you’re actually a bit rubbish. I guess I’m safe there then.

Hapshash & The Coloured Coat - Blue Narcissus

Beyond narcissism, we get to a more modern definition of why everyone thinks Bob is a dick: affective presence. Coined by psychologists Noah Eisenkraft and Hillary Anger Elfenbein as recently as 2010, their study suggests that some people have the gift – or the curse – to make everyone feel good about them… or to think they’re a dick.

Mindtools explains…

Some individuals exert a palpable emotional influence that can either make others feel at ease, or uneasy.

Satan's Rats - You Make Me Sick

Affective presence refers to how we make other people feel, just by being around them, regardless of our own emotions or intentions. It's an overall, lasting effect we leave on others.

Swans - You Fucking People Make Me Sick

The researchers were clear to draw a line between affective presence and another phenomenon known as “emotional contagion” – which is basically how happy people might make you feel more happy and miserable people might make you want to slit your own wrists. (Besides, we all know this isn’t always the case – overly positive people can be a pain in the arse, whereas depressives with a sense of humour can sometimes cheer you up… I hope, anyway.)

The Skodas - Everybody Thinks Everybody Else Is Dead Bad 

Scientific American drills into the affective presence research in a little more depth, revealing an interesting nugget that I’ll leave you to ponder on, as it seems to me to be at the root of Bob’s problems…

In the research group, people who “described themselves as both ‘extroverted’ and ‘disagreeable’ were more likely to have a negative effect on” others. You may well ask why anyone would go out of their way to describe themselves as ‘disagreeable’? (I’m not sure Bob would… but then, I’m trying to limit the time I spend in his presence, so I’m not going to ask him). It's an interesting combination though - somewhere between Timmy Mallett and Jeremy Clarkson. Now imagine having to work with that!