Thursday, 12 April 2018

My Top Ten Kill Your Spouse Songs


The management of My Top Ten does not endorse killing your spouse and takes a very dim view of pop stars who advocate such deplorable behaviour.

(There will, naturally, be quite a bit of country in this top ten, since most country singers - especially the women - are homicidal maniacs on the quiet.)


10. Miranda Lambert - Kerosene

Bearing in mind that Miranda Lambert wrote this a good few years before she hooked up with Blake Shelton... you've got to say he was a pretty gutsy bloke to leave her for Gwen Stefani. He must be watching his back every night...

9. David Allan Coe - Suicide

"Clear case of a domestic that ended in tragedy."

"Has the suspect confessed?"

"You betcha..."
Standing in the bathroom with a gun in my hand
Pulling on the trigger just as fast as I can
I can hear her scream as she reaches for the lover beside her


Married by the Bible, she was only sixteen
I was fresh from prison trying to follow my dream
Who'd ever thought I'd be the judge and the jury that tried her?

Blood splattered all over the wall
The gun still smoking as I watch it fall

8. Sarah Shook & The Disarmers - The Nail

Not quite sure whether if Sarah really wants her old man to put her out of her misery... or if she wants him to dig a grave she can then sneakily push his useless corpse into. Either way, I don't think he should be messing with her.

7. Eminem - '97 Bonnie & Clyde

In which Eminem kills his ex-wife Kim and sticks her body in the trunk of his car, while singing a bastardized version of Just The Two Of Us to his little girl who's come along for the ride. Not the first time he's done something like this; I'm sure it won't be the last...

If that isn't creepy enough for you, try the Tori Amos version...

6. Tanya Tucker - The Thunder Rolls

Written and recorded by Garth Brooks (but don't let that put you off), this song tells the story of a worried woman waiting for her husband to come home on a stormy night. She's terrified that something's happened to him so when he rolls up in the driveway, she rushes out to hold him... and smells another woman's perfume.

That's where Brooks's version ends... but there's a third verse in Tanya Tucker's recording of the song...
She runs back down the hallway and through the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror he won't do this again
'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been

5. The Beautiful South - Woman In The Wall

A drunken wife-abuser takes it way too far one night and walls up her body to cover up his crime. She's gonna haunt him till he cracks...
Cry freedom for the woman in the wall
Cry freedom for she has no voice at all
I hear her cry all day, all night
I hear her voice from deep within the wall
Made a cross from knitting needles
Made a grave from hoover bags 

Especially for the woman in the wall

4. Carrie Underwood - Two Black Cadillacs

A lady discovers her husband has been sleeping with someone else, so she gets the other woman's number and gives her a call. The only time they ever meet is at his funeral...

It was the first and the last time they saw each other face to face
They shared a crimson smile and just walked away
And left the secret at the grave

I really wouldn't mess with Carrie Underwood. Check out what happens to the abusive husband in Church Bells... or hear the warning she gives a cheating partner here.

3. Nick Cave - Song Of Joy

In an album called Murder Ballads - in which every track drips blood - the opener is perhaps the darkest of all. Imagine a strange doctor turned up on your doorstep late at night and told you a story about how his wife and three children had all been murdered while he was out on his rounds. He quotes Milton, breaks off into bursts of "La la la la la"s and then asks if you've got a room?

Are you going to let him in?

You are?

2. The Dixie Chicks - Goodbye, Earl

Earl sounds like a right git, to be fair. He is played by one of my favourite actors - NYPD Blue's Denis Franz - in the video, though, so I don't like to see him get rolled up in a tarp like that. The dancing Zombie Earl at the end is worth sticking around for though.

Little tip: if you're married to one of the Dixie Chicks and she cooks black-eyed peas for tea... feign a stomach ache.

Well, the weeks went by and spring turned to summer
And summer faded into fall
And it turns out Earl was a missing person who nobody missed at all

1. Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe

Hey! Joe! Where you going with that gun in your hand?
I'm goin' down to shoot my old lady
You know I caught her messin' 'round with another man..

That's not gonna end well, is it?


Not that I'm looking for them (I got into enough trouble with the other half when I posted My Top Ten Divorce Songs) but your suggestions are always welcome...



12 comments:

  1. Liked that Dixie Chicks song and vid - No-one would have missed him right enough. Also featuring Elaine of Ally McBeal fame.

    Nothing else from me although there will no doubt be loads - Since revisiting the song Wives and Lovers however, I've decided that anyone who would expect me to rush around putting a ribbon in my hair for his return from work deserves to die!! Mr WIAA be warned.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not so much a song about killing your wife is Junior Brown's "My Wife Thinks You're Dead" which tells the tale of his crazed ex girlfriend. It's worth a listen...a seriously funny song.

    1st verse:

    "It's good to see you baby it's been a long, long while
    We're both a whole lot older and seen a lot of miles
    But thing are different now since the good old days
    And you've been in some trouble
    Since we went our separate ways
    Well have to say hello maybe some other time instead
    'Cause you're wanted by the police
    And my wife thinks you're dead..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like a good one to me!

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  3. At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
    I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
    She stood there laughing
    I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more

    The Sensational Alex Harvey version trumps Tom Jones

    ReplyDelete
  4. Obviously his estranged wife given she appears to stay in a different house!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You see, I don't think she was his wife. I had to reject a load of songs because of that. Perhaps there's a Kill Your Girlfriend / Boyfriend follow-up...

      Delete
  5. Guns n Roses - I Used To Love Her

    "I used to love her, but I had to kill her, and I can still hear her complain"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once again... Were they actually married?

      Delete
  6. 'The Cold Hard Facts of Life' by Porter Wagoner should be in the running.
    'Lord, you should've seen their frantic faces
    They screamed and cried, please put away that knife
    I guess I'll go to hell or I'll rot here in this cell
    But who taught who the cold hard facts of life.'
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjVDC64KNhw

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Swede. I've been searching for this one. I heard it on the radio a couple of months back and it actually inspired this post, but when I came to put the post together I couldn't remember the title, only that it was Porter Wagoner. I knew one of you guys would help me.

      Delete
  7. One song I have to mention is the incredible OTT murder ballad (romance between cook and waitress in a small Tennessee cafe) "Memory Making Night" by brother and sister duo John & Audrey Wiggins. This story song is damned good.

    Chorus: "They drove down to the river
    He looked her dead in the eyes
    He could feel her trembling hands
    They made love by the river
    And they held o tight
    To those memory making nights"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NajeefozT3I

    ReplyDelete

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