Conversations With Ben #30: Bobby Ewing In The Shower

Louise sent me the above image, which she'd found on the book of faces, in response to the news that David Cameron is rising from the dead, like a Marvel super-villain, ready to resume the reign of terror and destruction that led to his previous downfall. I mean, he's going to have to go some to beat completely destroying the country, but bad guys always like to think big, don't they?

Anyway, I was rather amused by the aged cultural reference, so I shared the image with my work colleagues on our Whatsapp group. Being teachers, they're a bunch of politically-minded so-and-sos who regularly carp on about the malevolent excesses of the Tory regime, so I figured they'd find it funny.

Only one person got the joke though. Everyone else just thought I was sharing a picture of a naked David Cameron. If they didn't think I was weird already...

Neil Young - Old Man

In despair, I decided to consult another young person about my faux pas. So I messaged Ben.

I should also point out that a few days earlier, I'd sent Ben a disgusted message regarding the Hollywood remake of 80's TV favourite The Fall Guy, starring Ryan 'as much charisma as a plank of 2x4' Gosling in the Lee Majors role and Aaron 'Oh my god, why does this guy keep getting work?' Taylor-Johnson as Howie Munson. To say I was horrified at this desecration of my childhood is a gross understatement.

Ben replied that he'd never heard of The Fall Guy. Worse still, he was less than complimentary when I sent him a video of the opening credits featuring the classic Lee Majors-sung theme tune. Frankly, he's lucky I was still talking to him.

Popular culture no longer applies to me.

Art Brut - Bad Weekend

Rol: As a 30-something who's never seen The Fall Guy, do you understand the cultural reference in this? 

Ben: David Cameron at uni with his pig-lover in the shower?

So you're not aware of Bobby Ewing in the shower and what that represents?

Dallas or Dynasty? Is that the who shot JR bit?

I'm aware of these things existing in a loose form.

Or is it the this is all a dream bit?

Dallas. They killed Bobby off. He was dead for a whole series. Ratings dived, so they brought him back to life. The explanation was, yes, the previous season had all been a dream. His resurrection happened with his wife waking up and finding him in the shower.

I kinda got there with some help.

Did the ratings return?

For a while, yes. But a lot of people were pissed off that they'd watched a whole season that was just a dream.

I'm sure I had my dinner watching something on TV
There's not, I think, a single episode of Dallas that I didn't see

Abba - The Day Before You Came

Thanks though. You answered my question about how well this would be understood by a young person.

Hate to break it to you, but as I'm in my mid 30s, I'm not sure I class as a "young person".

You'll always be a young person to me.

Someone asked me, "Why is youth
Wasted on the rude and uncouth?
Blinded on cheap vermouth
A would be poet in Duluth
Long on time, short in the tooth
Fantasies of John Wilkes Booth
Come back when you're younger

Steve Wynn - Younger

See you had that, but I grew up in the early days of the internet where shock tactics were the shared things that are now cultural flagstones. Ask anyone my age what "goatse", "lemon party" or "meat spinner" are and you'll get nostalgia for an internet before it became corporatised. None of those are pleasant things but it represents the wider culture of the internet as a mysterious entity prior to it becoming standardised. The rise of these standardised sites can be attributed to places like blogger, Tumblr and myspace who sought tohomogenise how the internet looked and was consumed before the rise of the true current social media spaces. You just got shit telly.

That last line is a complete reduction, but I felt it hit as a good punchline.

Blow up your TV
Throw away your paper
Go to the country
Build you a home
Plant a little garden
Eat a lot of peaches
Try an' find Jesus on your own

John Prine - Spanish Pipedream

Don't google those things by the way.

I won't. But I feel like I've just seen a Lynchian glimpse behind a curtain I don't want to look behind.

Was it like the dark web?

I think dark web is exaggerating quite a bit, yet excessive gore, violence and stuff of a sexual nature was pretty much everywhere. But it wasn't for consuming content the way we use the internet now, it was just for shock. If that makes sense?

So people weren't hunting it down for kicks, it was just randomly placed to cause upset?

Elvis Presley - How the Web Was Woven

I spent a lot of time online in the early days of the Web. Why didn't I stumble across this shit?

The websites were passed along like folklore. The internet wasn't monetised at that point so there was no impetus to drive traffic.

Was this widely shared by your whole generation though? I wonder if it's comparable to the collective consciousness from my generation regarding the TV shows of our youth, even the ones we didn't watch.

Because there was far less choice, there was much more shared cultural knowledge back then.

These things were the early version of memes. Links sent to others in msn messenger, written on each other's schoolbooks, typed into a friend's computer in the computer room at school (before siteblocking).

Along with the Salad Fingers and Burnt Face Man stuff. They were all shared the same way those early emails used to contain funny pictures. Or the earliest meme: "on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog".

Like sharing pages from the porn mags we found in the woods?

Exactly.

Bis - Dial-Up Internet Is the Purest Internet

Because you have to remember, my generation is the one that grew up in the world you mentioned whilst also growing up in the early days of widespread internet, meaning the habits from the former informed the way we used the internet.

Sam's generation however will experience a curated internet.

Not quite the same then. I'm consistently surprised by the lack of a shared cultural knowledge by today's teenagers. Like how many of them don't know who Homer Simpson or Indiana Jones or Darth Vader are. I know they're all older generation examples, but I knew about John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart when I was a kid. Everything is fractured now, little pockets of knowledge but very few shared cultural touchstones.

Look, the internet now is curated along two distinct lines... 

1) a company wishing to monopolise visits to the internet (i.e the platform). 

2) content curated by the ways in which Sam will view the internet ( i.e. logarithms).

I feel like you're just sending me pages from your thesis now.

Soft Cell - Monoculture

My last point ties directly into yours though: the internet now is so curated towards likes and viewing habits (down to how long on average we stay on a single image or video, so as to then recommend more of the same to keep us engaged) that a level of shared culture isn't possible anymore.

Is this why nobody reads my blog?

The internet doesn't show you content about what you *think* you want to see anymore. It gives you stuff that you *do* engage with (positively or negatively). It needs you to stay engaged. And the data which it uses to provide you with this is based on hundreds of thousands of hours of billions of people's viewing habits. 

Shake - Culture Shock

So whilst it sounds utopian, it's not driven by enjoying, just engaging. You take a second to read how terrible that Daily Mail headline is on your Google news feed? You engaged with it. It'll show you more. But it needs time to work out why you engaged with it. So it shows you soft politically biased things in that area to see if you engage with those. If you do, you might get some alt-right stuff. It knows you're male based on how you view and men engage with alt right stuff more than women. Not engaging with that stuff enough, it'll move to testing your engagement with things until it finds where you are. 

This is how so many young men end up engaged with alt right stuff. Once they begin, it'll start flooding their feeds with it. Cars - sports cars - luxury cars - alpha mindset - Andrew Tate. Comic books - whining about certain aspects -  woke comics nowadays - anti woke - Andrew Tate. And it's not set up to force people into certain beliefs, but because of how we engage with the internet and the "need" to monetise it, it's the conclusion. 

Populist beliefs have become far stronger across the western world since the late 90s and increase year on year. That means it gets engagement so is viewed more. And on the internet, views = money, so notoriety and fame are the same thing. As a result, people who want to be successful express extreme opinions. Those get views. People want to make money, so they replicate those views.

They Might Be Giants - Youth Culture Killed My Dog

By no means am I saying Sam is destined to end up with those views. You're too decent a person and I know he'll learn from you. But he will be exposed to it. A lot of it. Without ever searching for it. His friends will. And some will identify with it. And people are trying to blame particular websites or certain heads of the hydra instead of dealing with having to have difficult conversations with their kids.

Is this why nobody reads my blog?

It's more that it's not monetisable, so the people who do read it or come across it will always be a small group, but they will have a level of interest in the subject matter that equals yours.

I was hoping for a better punchline than that.

Self-Help For Cynics #6: Conversations With Ben

Catch a shooting star and put it in your pocket

And your pants will start on fire

One bird in the hand or two birds in the bush

Neither do you any good, when you're stuck in the quagmire

Show everyone you're not sure that they're telling the truth

Then you can be known as the universal cynic too

Bad Religion - The Universal Cynic

Those of you who have been subjecting yourself to this nonsense for far too long will recall that during lockdown, one of the things that really helped me through was the conversations I had via Whatsapp with my former colleague and good friend, Ben. I shared many of those conversations here, as I felt they might on occasion prove entertaining to others, and also because it saved me having to come up with an idea for a post that day. I don't share our conversations so much anymore, not because Ben and I aren't still communicating, but because mostly we just talk about stuff that won't be of much interest to you guys. However, I wanted to share the following chat because it gave this series - and my "journey" (I hate using that word in this context) "of discovery" (ditto) regarding my mental health - a real direction. And it sets up some of the things I'll be talking about in future posts...

The Handsome Family - Your Great Journey

Ben:  How're you doing anyway?

Rol:  Not bad. I'm trying positive thinking.

Stop laughing.

No.

Really.

Stop.

I think that's great actually.

Really helped with my anxiety and low feelings.

REM - Low

I tend to have a few mantras now. Not the shitty religious or spiritualist foo foo ones, but something a bit more grounded.

And then there's the questions and the senses stuff. They really help.

Explain?

Questioning the logic behind thoughts when you spiral. My doc told me to get this book about anxiety and mental health. Not a woowoo book but by a scientist that kind of explains and outlines that actually your brain is a monkey organ that is essentially forced to learn to function in a developed society so it's more about biological survival urges that are misunderstanding what it's being presented with. 

George Michael - Monkey

So questions like "is what you think is happening, happening?" Or "is there any evidence to support that thought?".  And the senses stuff is the non woo woo and more psychological version of mindfulness which is meant to just calm and relax you in the moment but with no snake oil of improving your whole life. When feeling overwhelmed by anything, you sit and spend ten to thirty seconds on all your senses, just mentally describing their sensation. The key is to not explain the sensations, just describe them. Say you start with your taste, maybe it's a bit iron-ish because you've got an ulcer, or you can taste your coffee from earlier still and still some sweetness from a bit of bread stuck in your tooth slowly turning its carbohydrates into sugar. Then touch. What's the chair you're sat in feel like? What's the back support? Maybe one point is sticking into you and it's got leather on the seat that feels cooler on your body than the rest of the chair. Can you feel the lanyard hanging off your neck, how's the top you have on? Then go through the other senses. The whole point is to completely take you away from thoughts running away and just rooting you in a material reality. Really helpful.

Talking Heads - Sugar On My Tongue

There were a few books but two  of the main ones were Unfuck Your Brain by Faith Harper and Don't Feed The Monkey Mind by Jennifer Shannon.

Thanks. I'll look into those. 

What you describe is kind of the process I've adopted, in a ramshackle, amateurish fashion. But I've become interested in the subject (not the rainbows and unicorns side of it) and have started reading up when I get the opportunity. Trying to find the way to approach it while still maintaining my essential cynical bastard side.

Amy Rigby - Cynically Yours

I think there's a lot of spiritual bullshit and business focussed books on the matter and poor support. But those books are what my GP told me to read as, in his words, "look, you're a scientist, so self help bullshit won't work, you need to really understand what's happening in your brain". And the techniques, I think, work particularly well and it's not offering snake oil promises of cures but rather they're intended to help in the moment when you need it.

I'm not a scientist, but I have the same reaction to self hell BS, so this is appreciated. I've started a thing on my blog called Self Help for Cynics in which I try to sift through the dross and find usable nuggets. With extra help from songwriters. Writing has always been a help, as is music, so I'm combining them all.

The Cynics - I'm In Pittsburgh And It's Raining

There's so much of it that preys on selling bullshit and something for people to believe in. I just want to understand it and have coping mechanisms, which is all science can handle.

And I know it's kind of hard to break out of the men have to keep it together thing, but you know I'm about.

Cheers. Never really been one of those types anyway. 

I gather, with your love for Morrissey and pop in general.

Marshall Crenshaw - Cynical Girl

I just need to do something to fix my mindset.

But still. You've got a millennial friend. We're much more open to talk about these things. I know the acerbic wit is our basis, but I like you alive and well.

Teenage Fanclub - Song To The Cynic

Appreciate that, but I'm not about to top myself. Just want to get through the week without ping-ponging between anxiety, rage and other emotions I can't find the right words for because it's very late.

I'm not saying you are, but more so I mean life, when in the depths can be colourless and you become a shell of a person... but I prefer the acerbic wit and humour of you not in that position and the negative impact that has on life.

Now for a put-down to equalise our friendship: Morrissey is a wanker.

Hardly a point of contention these days. And yet...

And there's no-one left to blame

Oh, tell me when will you...

When will you accept your life?

(The one that you hate)

For anything is hard to find

When you will not open your eyes

Conversations With Ben #29: Doncaster

Rol: The Queen made Doncaster a city.

Doncaster!

Not the biggest town in the country: Huddersfield...

Oh no, Doncaster.

Ben: Genuinely?

Fuck that.

She should be made to build the cathedral herself.

Get her carrying the bricks.

I'd help crowdfund that.

I'm on the train back from Leeds.

I'm not passing through Donny, otherwise I'd shout at it for you.

"One fondly recalls many a youthful night out in Donny with Philip. Getting rat-arsed in Flares and then throwing up a kebab on the night bus home. The Corgis love Donny too. That's why all the streets are covered in..."

Pete Davies · My Grandma Came From The North

My granddad would like to trace our family tree
And he always believed 
We were related to royalty
So I would colour my books like a Renaissance master
Because I never realised
The royals don't come from Doncaster

Rol sends Ben the following newspaper clip...

That's a SIS job ad.

It has to be.

Their ads are often in the form of those tiny articles and weird bits in the personals.

I wish I knew what you were talking about.

MI6.

They often do job ads disguised as articles. First application stage is being able to find the cipher and contact whatever number or email address is hidden in there.

OK, Bond.

Smart enough to recognise them, not smart enough to solve them.

What about this then?

I think it looks more like Bono.

Which is far worse.

It's horrendous.

But £250 won't get a good photo portrait that size.

Mrs. Ben thinks it looks like Sue Pollard.

Anything's preferable to Bono.

I used to hum that song to my Constitution students.

Quite loud. During class.

There's no way they'd ever know the song.

I wanted to ask you what Constitution students are... but then I figured out it was spell corrected Construction.

Still, the idea of you teaching the Constitution...

Yeah, Construction.

Not sure how I'd teach constitution.

Maybe make them go for walks? For their daily constitutional?

I was thinking about their right to bare arms.

To get a bad tattoo.

This is the view from the bottom of the garden for the next couple of days.

The sound would do my nut in.

Misery-guts. It only comes past once an hour. Stops at 4pm.

Is this some jingoistic celebration?

Only if you want it to be.

Kier Starmer did say it was your patriotic duty to celebrate the jubilee...

I don't care what Keith says.

I don't care where Keith goes.

It's cute that he thinks anyone respects him enough to pay attention to what he says.

Sorry. What he thinks the voters would like him to say.

Everything he says is a soundbite crafted for him by a think tank.

Less a think tank and more his advisors Google the latest yougov poll.

He'd make a great character on The Thick Of It.

He's Dan Miller.

"Brushed aluminium cyber-prick."

Keep up the excellent work.

It's because I'm in North Yorkshire at the moment. Nobody else knows how to put it up.

It's because all their effort goes into putting up with you.

I bet Doncaster City has shitloads of bunting.

I miss the city I love but I've been having an affair

With L.A and New York, Dundee

And Doncaster if I may dare

Conversations With Ben #28: The Blind & The Bald

Rol: Since getting my glasses, I've found reading much easier. I know that sounds really obvious, but whenever I've sat down to read anything over the past few years, I've ended up really tired after a chapter and ready to quit. Clearly I've been straining my eyes for a long time.

Ben: Have you tried looking at a tree yet? That was what was most notable. Its like the branches as leaves had become HD.

They're reading glasses. My long sight is fine. But I presume you mean close up.

Still, did everything suddenly seem much clearer? Like more than you were expecting? That's what surprised me.

Only things that are a reading arm's length from my face. Everything else is as blurry  with the glasses on. Which is probably for the best.

I saw that he visited Ukraine yesterday.

Why on earth...? Haven't they suffered enough?

Maybe Putin sent him. Sleeper soldier.

Putin strikes me as more of a Simple Minds man.

Don't nuke forget about me?

Jim Kerr. In Spain, they call him Juan.

I thought that was John?

Think about it...

I used to work with a Jim Kerr. He was a Glaswegian with a big scar on his face.

My wit is wasted on you.

Wit?

New Jamie T song is great.

Yeah, it's not bad.

Statham in the MCU?

No.

Just no.

He's been cast.

It's not me speculating.

I'm just speculating who he's been cast as.

Dr Doom.

"I fackin hate you, Reed Richards!"

That's Danny Dyer.

Oi, Reed. You slaaaaag.

Yer doin me fakkin nut in.

He's too busy doing quiz shows.

I think his Wall show is quite funny. Me and Mrs. Ben have created this narrative that he thinks the wall is alive and is his enemy.

I wish he'd get buried under it.

I think it's filmed somewhere in Europe so there'd be a lot of red tape to enable that.

You have to spoil all my plans.

Blame BoJo, not me. We'd still be able to do it if we were in the EU.

If Cameron had mentioned burying Danny Dyer under a wall, the Brexit vote would have gone the other way.

Looks like we need to get Red Wedge back together to help us.

Whatever happened to Ken Livingston?

This is something I can get behind.

"Commenting on a man’s baldness in the workplace is equivalent to remarking on the size of a woman’s breasts."

All those ladies staring at my scalp.

Would you be less upset by the “Anglo-Saxon” language than the comment on your appearance?

Yes. I am a Celt.

I've been saying that for years.

Goes back to when the Romans invaded. It was the Celts who went, "yep. We have no allegiance to these deities, gimme day Jesus."

Sorry. Just put my glasses on. I misread what you said above.

Conversations With Ben #27: Mocking The Elderly

Ben: Same age as you.

Rol: Thank you for that reminder. I'll be more careful with the drugs.

I think you need to move over to some downers. Balance it out.

I'm pretty good at handling the down part without chemical assistance.

This is what Ben sent me for my birthday. 
Along with a card that read "Old Man Like Old Man Music."

Thank you for the present, by the way, but you shouldn't mock the elderly.

The irony is, I still think of Britpop as modern music.

Old man.

I'm not sure even I have heard of some of the bands on those cards. Whiteout!?!

Question for you...

Pulled Apart By Horses. Trampled By Turtles. Can you think of any other bands that are named after getting hurt or killed by animals?

Here's a better one for you.

List of bands where if a person said they were their favourite you'd be suspicious of them.

Examples...

If someone said Simply Red were their favourite band, you'd think that they just hadn't really listened to much music.

They're a good band.

But even their Greatest Hits has some filler on there and compared to other bands they have limited deep cuts.

Also... Creed.

Chas and Dave.

Fine Young Cannibals.

The Breeders.

Wang Chung?

First, Simply Red are awful.

And Mick Hucknall is a tool.

Second, this reminds me of the I Just Called To Say I Love You bit in High Fidelity.

If someone told me Chas & Dave were their favourite band, I'd just think they must be a Cockney.

And at least they haven't fallen for Damon Albarn's sham.

I got a free ticket to see The Good The Bad and The Queen a number of years ago. Second most boring concert I've been to. And it would have been the most boring for most people but the most boring was a niche one. Second time seeing Godspeed! You Black Emperor. The first time is interesting and a novelty but it's a one and done thing.

In the list of Damon Albarn's crimes, being dull and sanctimonious for the last 20 years ranks much higher than 5 years of pretending to be a Cockney scamp, guvnor

Would you trust someone to babysit Sam if they said Think Tank was their favourite Blur album?

I wouldn't even let them in my house.

Louise's old boss loved Hue & Cry. He got them to play live at his 50th. Apparently they hate each other and argued the whole time.

Other than Ordinary Angel and Looking for Linda, what else have they got, really?

You forgot their big hit! 

Ben sends a photograph of his newly-mowed lawn.

Now I feel like drinking a beer in the middle of the week and watching football.

Why are you mowing grass that hasn't yet started growing?

It was knee height.

To a grasshopper.

Shut up

Am man now.

Drink Carling.

Tell Mrs. Ben there be trouble if tea not ready.

Watch futkik.

Get mad when Team A beat Team B.

I think you're more middle aged than macho man.

Am man!

Listen to Oasis.

And Kaiser Chiefs.

Give you a thump.

Finally get Mrs Brown's Boys.

Is funny coz man in dress.

Is this the first time you've ever experienced manual labour?

I used to be quite literally a site labourer.

And I'm using my ex-workmates as influence for this character.

Or...

Shurrup, soft lad.

One time back when I worked in radio, a colleague of mine had driven to work in really bad snow and basically dumped his car in a snow drift outside the building. Later that night we looked out to see if it was still snowing, and there was some random bloke sat in his car. We went out to ask him what the hell he was doing, and he said:

"I was cold. And I don't work in a fancy radio station like you guys. I'm a manual labourer. Look at my manual labourer's hands! Look, I've got calluses and everything!"

That sounds genuinely terrifying.

It was. But also kind of surreal. In the end, he just buggered off.

Are you sure he hadn't escaped from the local psych ward?

It was Bradford. Most people in Bradford have escaped from some kind of institution, or are on their way into one.

Have you seen that Anti Racist baby is in the news?

Ted Cruz went on a rant about it as a black judge was elected to the Supreme court.

Well, I guess it'll sell a shitload more copies now. I'll have that first edition back that I gave you for your birthday.

Heard the new Craig Finn song?

No.

It's good.

Yes. It is. 

Seriously though... how are you?

Well, I've not died a drug overdose yet... or been punched by Will Smith. So I guess I'm doing better than a lot of 50-somethings...

I can't believe you've listened to Simply Red's Greatest Hits all the way through.

Conversations With Ben #26: Cowboys, Wrecking Balls & Cheugy Scones

Ben: Where was this advice last Thursday?

Rol: Was it L'il Nas X?

Nah, he comes round for a chocolate digestive and a cup of lemon and ginger tea on most Wednesdays. Thursday's he's travelling back to Hollywood.

Must have been Billy Ray then.

He did keep going on about his heart. I just called an ambulance, though.

Don't get on the wrong side of him. His family owns a wrecking ball.

Please tell me you get other people to come and teach similes.

How was that a simile? It didn't have like or as.

"I came in *like* a wrecking ball."

They don't own construction equipment.

She is clearly swinging on a huge fucking wrecking ball in the video I've seen. I watched it repeatedly, just to make sure.

I'd guess that it'd be cheaper for the budget if they rented one.

I don't think budget is something the Cyruses worry about.

You should have said, "Don't get on the wrong side of him. His family clearly has the free capital to rent a wrecking ball as and when needed."

I maintain that they have the free capital to *buy* a wrecking ball. Tell me you wouldn't buy a wrecking ball if you could afford one. I know I would.

I think my main concern is storage. I don't want to have to buy a big enough hangar to store it.

It'd probably make sense to turn it into a business.

But then I'd have to employ someone to deal with it.

It's too much hassle.

Rent it. Do the job. Return it.

You just need one of those really big garden boxes. Watch out this weekend, there'll probably be a few flying around.

Pretty sure my neighbour's fence is about to fall over. It's swinging around.

Swingers?

I thought we'd moved on from discussing the wrecking ball?

What does 'scone' rhyme with in your world view?

Cone.

Anything else is clearly wrong.

And they shouldn't be allowed around children.

Wrong answer.

You're just posh and over-privileged. Kind of like the Prince Andrew of Scones.

I'll call the police on you.

Oh yeah? Your mates on the force? Say no more.

Are your employers aware of your stance on this?

My employers are of the opinion that 'gone' is the correct answer. I was treated to a scone with jam and cream today. Although it did have those little bits of crystallised sugar on top, which are also wrong.

Does Louise know?

Louise is on the dark side in this matter. But then she also puts toilet rolls on backwards, so there's no hope.

Let's not start with the toilet roll again.

How can a new album be iconic?

I don't like Charli XCX, nor think she's any good, so that's the first issue I have.

I also think iconic has had a bit of a change of meaning for Gen Z.

I think it means "really cool and unique" or something.

Idiots.

Why?

Language is elastic.

Just because I don't understand it doesn't make it bad.

You're just defending your contemporaries. From a nearly-50 Gen X perspective, everything you weirdos do is wrong.

Alcoholism, teen pregnancy and STI rates plummeted after your generation. Issues like that continue to decrease with Gen Z teaching adulthood. I think things are going OK.

Is most of the above due to the fact that they're all addicted to Internet porn?

Everyone rushes to say how shit kids are, but really, they're improving on the last generation mostly each time.

Spin doctor.

OK, then... define "cheugy".

Pronounced 'choogy'.

I guess phony or poser is the word you might be more familiar with.

Like a try hard.

 Isn't there a generational element to it though?

Yeah. I meant the opposite of it. Like it's natural.

Now I'm more confused than I was before I asked you.

So Jarvis Cocker would be cheugy. But every fanboy who tried to look like him would not be. They'd be try hards.

Morrissey isn't cheugy because with him it's calculated.

Tom Waits: cheugy.

Every impersonator: not cheugy.

So cheugy is a compliment!?!

Nope. I've just checked the internet. It's the opposite of what I said.

Tom Waits: not cheugy.

Morrissey: cheugy.

Ha! You aren't down with da kidz!

Old man!

I was right the first time.

I'm a mid millennial.

Not Gen Z.

You're just cheugy.

Conversations With Ben #25: Bluff

Ben: Joe Perra Season 3 is on All 4 as of today!!

Rol: Cool. I will fire up the kitchen TV.

(For some reason, I can only get All 4 on the kitchen TV, not the one in the lounge.)

Is there a chair or do you stand to watch it?

It's the kitchen. There is a dining table and chairs. Although, as a family, we spend more time playing Ticket To Ride there than eating.

Europe or America?

Europe. Wild West. 1812 expansion pack. France. London. New York is in the cupboard, but we haven't played that yet.

I think New York is my favourite as it's only a 15 minute game.

Use it as more of a warm up game before something with a lot of depth.

So is London, but I prefer the games to go on. I'd rather have an unlimited supply of trains and just keep building more and more routes. It's preferable to actual adult responsibilities and stuff.

(Bit obvious that, I know.)

Louise is going out tonight, so I was looking forward to having the big TV to myself... 

Only now we've had a power cut.

And since you're no longer at The Bad Place, you don't want to just sit in the dark crying?

Saturday night crying in the dark... reminds me of my 20s.

Do you have six dice?

Farkle could be something a bit different.

Or if you have two dice and 12 paperclips or other small objects, you can play Pickup.

Both quick games. Farkle is a point scoring game, Pickup is chance.

Can you play them in the dark?

With a torch.

You could always play Blind Man's Buff.

I think you might mean bluff.

Buff.

Maybe yours is a more niche version.

Mrs. Ben and I had this exchange a while back....

It's Buff.

Buff means nekkid.

Bluff means bluff.

Ben sends a link. 

You just have to make everything about sex.

"The traditional name of the game is "Blind Man's Buff", where the word 'buff' is used in its older sense of a small push."

Yes, but Wikipedia can be edited by people who are desperate to win arguments.

As an academic, you should know it's not a reliable source.

Ben sends another link. 

Though not discussing the game itself, these articles clearly indicate the qualities of the game Blind Man's Buff as a stand in for more serious issues that are mirrored in the gameplay.

That sentence made no sense at all. You're just trying to bamboozle me with words now.

Also, I note that it took you quite some time in between replies. Long enough to write a couple more website articles to back up your fallacies.

Sage has an average of 8 months before an article is accepted for review, more if they want any changes or amendments. If not, it's still three more months until it goes online.

I'm not sure about Wiley as I've not sent anything through them.

Presumably that's powered by ACME.

If I had done such a quick turnaround, then it most definitely wouldn't have been cited in at least 7 other papers which also need to go through a similar process.

Now you're just trying to blind me with academia.

Me, I found only one song that referenced Blind Man's Buff...

Whereas I found loads that reference Blind Man's Bluff, including Depeche Mode, Aerosmith, Rush, The Inspiral Carpets, Del Amitri, The Blue Osyter Cult... and this:

I know who I believe.

I didn't realise that being a successful musician meant you had to have knowledge of the history of children's games.

And anyone that can be grouped with the Inspiral Carpets is a group I would go to great pains to distance myself from.

The Typhoo Tea of Britpop.

Clint Boon was a god.

I'd rather take advice on children's games from him than Robert Plant.

Also, they were way before Britpop.

They're older than you!

I have no respect for a band that does a reunion show once a week at The Leadmill.

Either write some new music or commit to a tour that's not also full of washed up bands.

This Is How It Feels is an anthem of my late teenage years.

Meant a lot to me, that song.

I thought you were in your late thirties when that came out.

I was 18.

They were the equivalent of The Rakes to my generation.

I prefer Boon's quirky solo stuff though.

White No Sugar was great.

Power still off. 

Keeping ourselves entertained though... Sam has created his own version of Ticket To Ride. Geography is a bit suspect.

Meanwhile, I'm currently lighting a bonfire out of CD inlays in the back garden to cook a dead rat on.

24 hours and you've already resorted to savagery.

Is it at least CDs from Uncut?

I'm starting with the Morrissey CDs.

Taking them out of circulation rather than donating. Smart.

It's kind of the opposite of burning a KKK cross.

This is my Morrissey substitute these days. It's like Morrissey Methadone...

Has the power returned to the house or are you even more feral?

Louise was just about to saw off my leg when the electric came back on.

I don't understand why that stopped her.

Me neither.

Conversations With Ben #25: The Horror!

Rol sends Ben the article above.

Ben: I think that makes me hate him even more because he's just thrown the rest of his band under a bus.

Once again it's all about him.

Rol: Not to mention disrespecting their entire fanbase.

(Still, more points for Robert Palmer though.)

I was having a pleasant evening.

Now I'm really wound up.

Just watched the first two episodes of Archive 81 on Netflix.

Pretty good so far.

Is that out? I read about it a while back. Not sure I'll be able to persuade Louise to watch it. How scary is it? How "real"? She can cope with fantasy horror like Midnight Mass, but not stuff that looks too real anymore...

Not scary. More like a creepy thriller mystery. Just come out. Very real.

Hmm. I'll see if I can trick her into watching it.

I went to get my haircut today. Had to find a new hairdresser now I'm no longer in Barnsley. Drove past a shop on the way home from Leeds with an old guy cutting hair, immediately thought: he's my guy. 

He didn't let me down. It was like having my hair cut by one of the Last of the Summer Wine cast. He kept making sweeping sexist statements, of the "will your tea be on the table when you get home?" kind, and then he told me a lengthy story about a rag and bone man who kept a donkey in his kitchen, and another about a guy he knew who had no brakes in his car, so if he gave you a lift, he would slow down by sticking his feet out the door.

I'm definitely going back there.

Was your tea on the table?

Pak choi?

With miso and udon?

My tea was in the dog.

And we only have cats.

Did the barber make a joke about Chinese food there?

You'll be disappointed to hear that he made no racist remarks at all.

Not all bigots are into everything.

I bow to your superior knowledge of bigotry.

I think you need to read the anti racist baby book again.

Is the baby meant to be singing a song and doing an interpretive dance there?

Kate Bush's choreographer?

I'm going to buy you a copy for your birthday.

I already have enough books I can't get through.

Thoughts on Yard Act?

I can't decide whether I like them or not.

Their new album is out and I still can't decide.

Never heard of them. Wait a minute...

I see what you mean. Can't decide if they deserve more of my attention or if he's just a bad stand up character.

Yeah, that's exactly it. I sit down with it but go back and forth whether it's good or not.

And he reminds me of Mr. C. from The Shamen.

I got a new badge at work today.

Still using your Witness Protection name when you teach, I see.

They'll never find me.

Plus, it keeps the kids from googling my blog.

They managed to make your forehead both smaller and larger at the same time.

And look at you rocking an under t-shirt!

I wear under t-shirts all the time in the summer. Never been a vest man.

Is it like starting a new identity at a new school?

It's a chance to reinvent myself.

I persuaded Louise to watch the first Archive 81. She just about made it through.

How much did they pay you to play Samuel?

(The actor in the green top looks exactly like Ben. In case you were wondering what he looks like.)

£12.50 and a Lion Bar.

Need to fire my agent.

Can't even eat the Lion Bar since it's got dairy in it.

And lions.

They stopped that back in the 80s.

Bloody PC brigade!

Huh. Next you'll be telling me the same applies to Penguins.

World gone mad.

They've always used imitation penguins, like crab sticks.

Shut up.

Hopefully now we're out of the bloody EU we can get back to being great and using the real thing again.

And none of those shite metric measurements.

I want seven quibwongs to a yard again.

(Do you mean a yard act?)

I'm looking forward to breaking my teeth on a post-Brexit Double Decker.

As we move away from the EU food and drink directive, we can enjoy moving towards the US FDA style FREEDOM Res restrictions.

You will soon be able to enjoy 100% naturally synthetic nougat style chew.

All natural, obviously.

Which in the US is legally a marketing term and has no basis in natural ingredients.

I'm looking forward to everyone eating those little compressed astronaut meals.

They contain real food. You won't be getting them.

Just seen the new Scream film. It's very good.

Please tell me Courtney Cox dies this time.

Sorry. Ghostface appears before the film and tells us we can't tell anybody anything about it or he'll come for us.

In that case....

Please tell me Courtney Cox dies this time.

I'll be right back...