Friday 22 September 2023

TV On The Radio #17: Homes Under The Hammer

Homes Under The Hammer is one of many daytime TV shows (like Cash In The Attic, A Place In The Sun and The Antiques Road Trip) that I've never watched an episode of because I have a job. I think it's about auctioning houses. I'm not sure who the target audience is - my dad was a former auctioneer, and he never showed the slightest interest in it. Still, it's been going for 20 years, so someone must be watching it. And as a number of people who read this blog are now reaching retirement age, I imagine you rarely miss an episode. (I wonder if they show it in Portugal?)

You wouldn't imagine there would be many pop stars who spent their time watching Homes Under The Hammer either... except, it's well known that musicians are generally a bunch of work-shy bastards who will do anything to avoid the arduous manual labour of writing a new song. I bet most of them have never missed an episode of Countdown and are over the moon that Neighbours is coming back. Take this guy for example...

Homes Under The Hammer on TV
Midday and I have not done anything
Come first place and didn't try
Someone's saving seven lives
I can barely save Izzy's ice cream

Here's a band with the wonderfully old-fashioned name of Courting, and a song I initially thought was about the Talking Heads man's arse, until I put my glasses on...

Homes Under the Hammer, well, it blares from the bar
Until Daddy picks him up in his European sports car
"A '19 plate?" Well, he muses who made it
"Built in England," he wonders, "a Britishman's labour"

And here's Bob Mortimer, the half of Vic n Bob that I actually find funny...

Sly Stallone
Is all alone
Sly Stallone
Is in his home
He's all alone
Sly Stallone
He’s been eating
A potato

Suddenly he wakes up
And stares at the potato
Then turns on the TV
Then looks at the potato
He changes the channel
To Homes Under the Hammer
Then looks at his potato
And touches the potato

Next up, another lovely little discovery: Colonel Dax. No, not the Kirk Douglas character from Paths Of Glory, but a guy called Tom Hughes from North Wales who likes listening to The Cure.

I'm walking on the pavement across from her old house.
Whoever lives there now is watching Homes Under the Hammer on the couch.
They look like they're a pair who've found what I could never find,
But maybe that's 'cos I'm the type to peek through people's blinds.
It's funny, they're sat in the exact spot I was sitting when she kicked me out.

I had a quick look at who the presenters were on Homes Under The Hammer, and I didn't recognise any of them... except for Tommy Walsh. And the only reason I knew his name was because of Nigel Blackwell...

Finally, here's the song that inspired this post, from one of my albums of the year, The Last Rotation of Earth. From listening to this record, it's clear that Brian Camplight rarely leaves his Manchester home, and the most excitement he has in his day is chatting with the Tesco delivery driver. But he's still managed to produce a cracking record. He claims it will be his last, which would be a crying shame, but I guess those daytime TV shows won't watch themselves...

I think I figured it out, it's right in front of me
Inflation or something to do with the Tories
She asks what we're building, I said, "What do you think this is -
Homes Under The Hammer?
I'm the perfect man"


  1. My first exposure to Homes under the Hammer has only been very recently on the bike and treadmill at the gym!

    1. Surely you listen to your various charity shop finds at the gym???

    2. Listen to my gym MP3 player - see Saturday Shuffle.

    3. I thought so. So can you watch TV at the same time? Sensory overload!


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